Designing Hearts

by Robin Strachan

  “This smells divine. I had no idea you were such a good cook.”

  “I like to cook, when I have time.” He refilled her wine glass and then his own. “Are you feeling better now?”

  “Yes, thank you. This wine is wonderful, by the way. Spending the afternoon with my mom and dad helped, too.”

  “I’m listening if you want to tell me more.”

  Jill took a bite of salad as she considered how best to describe the events of the day. “There isn’t much to tell, really. David called to say that he was making plans for us to go away this weekend and suggested one of my favorite places. I knew it was time to tell him the truth: that I didn’t want to be with him that way and that I still wanted the divorce.”

  “That must’ve been rough. You’ve struggled with what’s best for everyone.”

  “I don’t think I really tried to save the marriage after he asked me to.” She looked directly at Denny. “Maybe that was wrong of me. After all was said and done, it didn’t feel like there was anything to save. But I do feel regret and guilt that this is the avenue I chose—to walk away from him.”

  “It seems like guilt goes hand in hand with divorce,” Denny said. “Any caring person will have mixed feelings about ending a marriage, no matter how long it lasted. You’re too hard on yourself. You didn’t cause the troubles.”

  “Ironically, it was his affair that finally helped me see that I don’t want to be married to him anymore,” Jill continued. “I don’t feel about him the way I ought to, and we both deserve better than that. His affair was just the catalyst.”

  Denny rested his chin on his hands, elbows on the table, in a way that told her she had his full attention. “You’re a good woman who deserves to be happy. If you haven’t been happy, then perhaps this was meant to be.”

  Jill paused to consider a new thought. “Maybe that’s what happened to David. He just didn’t feel about me the way he once had. Maybe that’s why he strayed.”

  “But then he came back,” Denny pointed out. “That ought to tell you something. He knew what he was losing.”

  “He came back for his own needs. That, I know,” she said, shaking her head. “I accommodated him, Denny. He liked having me take care of everything so that he could do whatever made him happy. Maybe he missed having someone take care of him. Now he has to take care of himself. But since he’s been out of the house, I feel more content, less anxious, more sure of who I am. When he called to tell me his plans for us to be together this weekend, I had to tell him. It’s just too little, too late. But I hated telling him over the phone.”

  The look on Denny’s face was pained. “It happens as it should, I suppose.” He waited for her to continue.

  “The saddest part was that David finally said he was sorry. I believe now he really did want another chance to make things right between us. I think he wanted to go back to the way things were before his affair. But I realized I couldn’t go back. Before the affair, I would’ve done anything for a chance to make a fresh start with him. I would’ve tried to be a different person, if that’s what it took. But knowing that he could have an affair so casually and for so long helped me see that he didn’t value me the way I thought he did. I’ve been making the best of our marriage because that’s what married people do. My parents and my friends have had their troubles, but they stayed married. I wanted that, too.”

  She shook her head, still amazed that she could embrace a new life without David. “I tried to convince myself we had a happy marriage. But I was mostly by myself, and we grew so far apart, I didn’t know him anymore. The affair was a huge shock because I thought I was doing everything right—giving him whatever he wanted, whatever made him happy. It’s always been that way between us. I was used to being David’s girl, and that made me special. I don’t know what that means anymore to me or to him. I know for sure, though, that we can’t go back.”

  “Being with him didn’t make you special. You were always that, and then some.” Denny lifted her hand and kissed it before releasing it. “David is a lucky man to have had you as his wife. He’ll always be a lucky man for having those years with you, whether or not he appreciated them. I’m sure he knows that now.”

  “But was it wrong not to try harder after he asked me to?” she asked plaintively. “I still don’t know how I’ll move forward without guilt, without feeling that I’ve failed in my marriage.”

  “In what way have you failed? It was David who betrayed your vows.”

  “But he wanted another chance. He was counting on me to give him that, and I’ve always been the one to hold things together.”

  “Aye, love,” he said, picking up his fork and taking a quick bite. “I understand about holding things together. I did that, too.”

  “You did? Tell me.” She sensed from the expression on Denny’s face that what he was about to tell her was still painful for him.

  “I haven’t shared this with anyone before, but there are things I’ve been through that aren’t too far from what you’re going through with David. I held things together, too, with someone … until I couldna do it any longer.”

  Jill waited as Denny paused again, wringing his hands. “For three years, I was involved with an artist friend, Christina. She has a young son. Josh is his name, and I loved him like my own. For a while, I was happy—even tho’t I might be in love. But Christina had a problem with the drink. One glass would turn into, well, quite a few more. I think I must have known, on some level, how bad it was getting, but I cared for her and I cared about Josh. Sometimes I stayed the night because I knew he shouldn’t be alone with her. Christina tried to hide her problem, but everyone knew. By our second year together, I was staying in the relationship mainly for Josh’s sake because I didn’t know what would happen to him if I left her. But here’s the thing: Christina’s problems were her own to solve, and all of my efforts to protect Josh by staying with her weren’t really helping him, either.” Denny stared into space, remembering.

  “What happened? Did something happen to Josh because of her drinking?”

  He grimaced. “It was verra bad. The night I told her I didn’t see a future for us, she drank too much and the next morning, Josh couldn’t wake her. He called me, crying and scared, and I told him to call 911. She ended up in hospital and then went away for rehab. I felt terrible about that, too.”

  “Like you said, you were taking responsibility for her when she needed to take responsibility for herself.”

  “Aye, but that thought doesn’t set comfortably when you’re in the middle of something so difficult with people you care about. Josh went to stay with his dad while Christina was in hospital. The fear of losing Josh made her realize that she had to stop drinking. But as long as I was hanging around thinking I could fix things, she didn’t need to consider what she was doing to herself and Josh, or why she drank so much.”

  “Denny, I understand what you’re trying to say, but it’s not the same,” Jill said sadly. “You weren’t married to Christina, and Josh wasn’t your own child.”

  “Jill, any child is your own child if you know they’re in need.”

  Her heart contracted. “That was a beautiful thing to say, Denny. That tells me so much about you.”

  Jill hadn’t fully comprehended the differences between Denny and David before now. She could see that it wasn’t in Denny’s nature to behave carelessly or selfishly. He would never knowingly act in a way that would cause others pain. He had put Christina’s and her child’s needs before his own happiness, as she had done for so many years with David. In many ways, she and Denny were kindred spirits, giving of themselves without expectation of anything in return. This was a man who would give love in the same spirit as he received it.

  They finished dinner and Denny picked out a jazz CD to play on the stereo system. Then he held out his arms. “Dance with me?”

  “It’s been years since I’ve danced. But, yes, I’d love to,” she said formally, and entered the circle of his arms.

/>   They moved well together. His hand low on her back, he led her effortlessly around the room. She sighed happily and moved in closer, inhaling the scent of soap and the wool of his sweater. She began to lose track of time, swaying to the music, feeling the softness of his breath on her cheek. How long had it been since she danced this way? As they moved to the sweet sounds of a saxophone and keyboards, she dismissed thoughts of anything but the pleasure of being in his arms. They stopped after two songs to sip their wine. Jill glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost eleven o’clock.

  Denny switched off the music. “I’m taking you home now so that you can sleep.”

  Jill nodded as he went to find her jacket. At this moment, she wanted nothing more than to stay here with him in his arms, to drift off to sleep feeling safe and content, without a care in the world. She recognized by the way he was behaving now, slightly nervous and awkward in his movements, that he felt the same.

  “Some night, when things are more settled in your life, I want you to stay,” he said. “I’m taking you home now because I don’t trust myself.”

  “I trust you,” she said. “I know you’re a good man and that you want what’s best for me.”

  “And that’s why we’re going to wait,” Denny said. He helped her on with her jacket and zipped it up, then kissed her on the forehead.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  As the chill winds of November blew across the campus quadrangle, Jill shivered and drew her coat more tightly about her. With Thanksgiving approaching, on top of the demands of a particularly busy time at work, she hadn’t had much time to prepare for class. From the parking lot, she could see the lights in her classroom windows and a few heads already in place. The career square of the bagua was the subject of discussion tonight, and she hoped she could bring some energy to the one who needed help the most: Pam.

  Over the past seven weeks, Jill and her students had shared many challenges and insights with one another. They had spent time together socially, and supported Joel through a particularly difficult time while Diana was recovering. She had come to think of each of her students as friends, and she realized how much she would miss them when this class was over.

  It had been a long, grueling day, starting with an early meeting with her accountant, followed by a lengthy meeting with the attorney to wrap up the final details of her divorce. The final decree would come sometime after the first of the year. True to his promise, David had not fought her on anything. In fact, he became surprisingly detached from the entire process, even deciding not to attend a face-to-face meeting to discuss final details of taxes, property, or retirement assets. Once he realized that the divorce was inevitable, a wall had gone up between them. The only communication now was facilitated by their attorneys. Maybe it was easier that way.

  Although she was surprised that he did not appear for this important meeting, she also knew that David’s decision to detach from the details of the divorce was very much in character. All of the years that she had been married to him, she had been frustrated when he frequently disappeared or showed up conveniently late because he did not want to deal with particular people, issues, or situations. His excuse was always that he worked late or had an important interview with someone important or famous. Most people excused him because they were impressed with his celebrity status. But Jill understood only too well that David used his fame to get out of doing things he didn’t want to do. Over the years, he had managed to avoid all the soccer games, missed the twins’ piano recitals, left the holiday shopping (even for his own family members) up to her, and avoided most social obligations not related to his career. David’s disinterest in the dissolution of their marriage was merely an extension of his indifference to their relationship.

  Denny, too, was keeping his distance, although she knew it had more to do with his desire not to overwhelm or take advantage of her during this stressful time. Between her busy schedule and his, they hadn’t seen each other in three days, although they spoke by phone at least twice a day and sent texts and emails. She was grateful that he was willing to wait until she was ready to take their relationship to the next level. Although she looked forward to being with him again, she didn’t want Denny to become a rebound relationship.

  When she told him this, he chuckled. “So I should wait until after you’ve sown your wild oats and dated every single man within a twenty-five mile radius?”

  “I hardly think that will happen,” she answered dryly. “All I’m saying is that I’d rather take things slow. I might still be a little raw. I could hurt you without intending to.”

  “We can take all the time we need to get to know each other,” he said. “I’m a verra patient man.”

  As Jill stood before the class that evening, she noticed the gleam in Chris’s eyes, and made a mental note to talk with him on break or after class.

  “Tonight, we’re talking about our jobs, professions, and our life’s work,” she began. “But more important, we’re talking about work that we actually enjoy and that brings us a secure income and prosperity. Isn’t that what we all want?”

  “Not everyone can enjoy their work,” Kristen said. “What about people who clean up biohazards from crime scenes or pick up rotting, smelly trash?”

  “Some people who have those jobs are probably grateful to have a job, and maybe they’re really good at what they do. Someone has to provide those basic services,” Joel pointed out objectively. “I don’t have an exciting job, and I don’t always like what I do every day, but I know why it matters.”

  “So what I think I hear you saying, Joel, is that the knowledge of the importance of what you do brings meaning and satisfaction to your work life.” Jill smiled encouragement at him. “That’s important.”

  “I’ve been a paralegal for close to twenty years, and I’ve never gotten any enjoyment out of helping people sue each other,” Pam interjected, shaking her head. “I do a good job, but I don’t jump up and down each morning at the thought of what’s in store for me.”

  “So then, perhaps the question is, why do we stay in jobs that don’t feel like our true calling?” Jill looked curiously at Pam. “No judgment here, just wondering.”

  “I can only speak for myself, but my steady paycheck has supported my addiction to romance novels,” Pam said. “I’ve written two of them, but haven’t ever taken myself seriously enough to try and get them published. Now I really want to be a romance novelist full time, and I need to take the next step.”

  “We’ll talk about careers this week, and then we’ll discuss romance the week after next. Between the two squares, you ought to have a pretty good foundation for achieving your dream.”

  Jill handed out a list of enhancements for the career area of the bagua, which included water, mirrors, glass, anything metal, round objects, black-and-white colors, and symbols of the ideal work desired. The career square was located in the center of the lower three squares, between skills and knowledge and benefactors and travel.

  “This is a very important area because, let’s face it, our work ought to feed our souls. It’s often the primary way we perceive ourselves in the world. If we aren’t doing work we love, it’s time to figure out what it is that would bring us happiness and then make conscious choices that can bring about the changes we want to see.”

  Members of the class listened intently as Jill drew the bagua on the chalkboard and indicated the career area. “The career square is the entry and departure point of your home,” she explained. “It’s the last thing you see when you leave for work and the first thing you see when you arrive home. This is not the place to dump clutter. Keep it orderly and clean, and remember to make sure nothing is blocking the doorway—that the door opens and closes easily. If your door sticks, it’s really sort of symbolic for being stuck in a dead end job or in work you don’t really like. You get the idea. Be deliberate about what you place in this area and where you put it.”

  “That area of my house is always a mess.” Meredith
sighed. “The boys drop their muddy shoes and school stuff there every day.”

  “It can be a challenge to keep an entryway in good order, so you might need to make some special fixes. I understand that it’s tough with kids. Just do the best you can. In my experience, the fallback plan is mirrors in that area. How many of you have a mirror in your entryway?”

  No one did, except Kristen. She laughed. “The only reason I have one is so I can check my makeup before I go out the door!”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Jill teased. “That’s an excellent reason to have a mirror in this area. You want to look your best before going out into the world every day. But it’s more than that. Mirrors are glass, which represents water, a creative element for this area. They also reflect light, which helps keep chi moving. Put a round mirror in this area, and you’re covered, even if other things aren’t perfect.”

  “Why metal, though?” Trish asked. “You’d think water would rust metal.”

  “Remember that each element has a creative and destructive ability. In this case, metal and water are creative. Don’t worry so much about putting more metal in this area. It’s easy to have the metal element because most people have metal doorknobs, which definitely count, and they’re round, too.”

  “What kind of symbols should I put in my career area to enhance my ability to write and sell romance novels?” Pam asked. “Sex toys?”

  There was a short burst of laughter. Shelly looked aghast at Pam. Jill rolled her eyes at Pam, but joined in the laughter.

  “Think hearts and flowers, Pam. Keep to the high road here. I’ll help you with symbols when I do your home consultation. For everyone’s general knowledge, you want to put things in this area that represent your ideal career. I’m talking about books, especially if you’re still in school and studying for a profession. Display paintbrushes or a painting, if you’re an artist. Joni, you might consider a box of chocolates in your entryway. Chris, you’ve already got a photo of yourself performing on Stars in your career area.”