Designing Hearts

by Robin Strachan

  “I replaced it with a new photo that was taken professionally.” Chris’s eyes were twinkling. Jill thought he was about to say something else, but instead he just smiled.

  “What if, in order to be successful and do what you love, you have to achieve a certain level of fame, and what if that takes time?” Amy interrupted. “I could sell a yoga DVD if I had an established reputation.”

  “That’s what I worry about, too,” Pam chimed in. “It’s difficult to find an agent to represent your books unless you already have a name in the romance writing biz.”

  “All the more reason to make sure your fame and reputation area is in great condition,” Jill said. “These squares all work in harmony. But wait, I want to hear what Chris was about to say.”

  He was beaming. “I have an announcement to make. I just landed a recording contract.”

  The class erupted into applause and whistles. Joel pumped Chris’s hand and pounded him on the back. Pam leapt to her feet and grabbed Chris in a joyful, tearful hug. Even Shelly, who was generally shy and undemonstrative, hugged and kissed him on the cheek.

  “That’s great! We knew you could do it.” Jill was ecstatic. “Tell us how it happened, and don’t you dare leave out a single detail.”

  “I decided to take a chance and use the rest of my savings to record a few songs, including ‘First Time for Everything,’ ” Chris said. “It was the one song I’ve written and performed that I thought had real commercial potential.”

  “I love that song!” Jill exclaimed, still unable to contain her pride and excitement.

  “I gave a CD with that song plus a few others to my friend, Kat, who I met on Stars,” Chris explained. “She has one of the best agents in the business, so I asked if she’d give it to him. I figured what the heck. Kat told him all about me and how I was on Stars with her. Even though I didn’t make it as far as she did, he liked my song. The next thing I knew, I got a call for a meeting, and he said he’d represent me. After that, things happened pretty fast. I just got signed by the Ariel label.”

  “You deserve this success, Chris,” Jill said, eyes shining with pride. “All you needed was a little confidence boost.”

  “And a little ancient Chinese wisdom,” he reminded her.

  The next afternoon, Jill met with Pam, who lived in a charming bungalow on a quiet side street not far from Denny’s place. In fact, she could see the back of his house from Pam’s driveway. She had no plans, however, to tell Pam anything about him, since it would open the door to blue-humored teasing in class.

  “Welcome to my love nest,” Pam said when she opened the front door.

  Despite her eccentricity and bawdy sense of humor, Pam was a petite, pretty woman with thick salt-and-pepper gray hair that cascaded over her shoulders in waves. She wore cat’s eye glasses with jeweled stems, no makeup, and as usual, loose knit slacks and a jeweled tunic. Pam was fond of Birkenstocks and paired them with colorful hand-knitted socks in cold weather, which only added to her eccentric appearance.

  “I’ve never been to the home of a romance writer,” Jill said. “Will I find someone named Fabio in the bedroom?”

  Pam snorted. “More than likely, you’ll find Sir Puss.”

  At Jill’s look of confusion, Pam motioned with one hand and led her to the romance area of her bungalow, which happened to be the spacious master bedroom. Sure enough, an enormous orange tabby rested luxuriously on a royal blue satin pillow at the foot of the bed. The handsome cat raised his head to study Jill with large green eyes, and hopped down to inspect her, rubbing against her legs in what Jill took to be a gesture of curiosity and affection. But as soon as she reached down to stroke his soft fur, he corrected her with a quick hiss and a swipe of his paw.

  “You interrupted his before-dinner nap.” Pam shrugged and shook her finger at the cat. “That’s not very gentlemanly. Shame on you!”

  Jill checked her ankle for scratches and a torn stocking, but found nothing amiss. “Okay, then, so much for getting to know His Royal Highness.” She turned around, surveying the room. “Your romance area is in pretty good shape, Pam. You’ve already got a burgundy bedspread and curtains. Red is an important color in the romance corner. I like the subdued black-and-white toile wallpaper, too. Normally, I see a lot of pink and coral in women’s bedrooms, but red is very effective. You’ve got end tables on both sides of the bed and two matching candlesticks with red candles—both important symbolically. The only concern I have is that your cat will never allow another man in your life.”

  She grinned and put an arm around Pam’s shoulder. “Let’s turn our attention to the career area, shall we?” They walked back to the career square of Pam’s house, which included a good-sized foyer with a storage bench, hall table, and walk-in closet. “What’s in the closet?” Jill asked, tugging on the doorknob.

  “Just seasonal junk: coats, boots, stuff like that,” Pam said.

  “That’s what I thought,” Jill said, yanking open the closet door. “Gosh, Pam, do you really need this many coats?” She yanked a rainbow-striped plastic raincoat off a wire hanger. “Somehow I doubt you’ve worn this in quite a while.”

  “I’ve been saving it, just in case.”

  “In case you decide to time-travel back to the 1970s? Actually, let’s keep it and think of it as your amazing Technicolor dream coat. But is there another place to store your vacuum, the ironing board, and your mop and broom? Unless your career ambition is to own a cleaning service, they really don’t belong here.”

  “Okay, okay.” Pam laughed good-naturedly. “But you’ll approve of what’s in the storage bench.”

  “I will?”

  “Voilà!” Pam said, opening the lid to reveal stacks of romance novels.

  Jill pulled out several paperbacks and looked over their titles. “Hmm, Summer Cowgirls, Rapture and Lies, A Nurse’s Dilemma. I can’t say I’ve ever read any of these.”

  Pam burst out laughing. “I bet you’re thinking I’m pretty lowbrow.”

  “I don’t think that at all,” Jill said. “I like romance novels. I guess I just haven’t read any of these. Are they any good?”

  “Eh, they’re okay. Like all romances, everyone ends up living happily ever after, and if they do have big problems, they’re solved by the end of the book. Not like real life, where people get their hearts broken, lose their homes in a recession, get terminal illnesses, and die alone.” The light had suddenly flickered and gone out of Pam’s eyes.

  “Pam, were you ever married?”

  “A long time ago, but that part of my life is over. At least I got a great daughter out of it.”

  “So you just write about love, but you don’t really believe in it anymore?”

  Pam’s blue eyes widened. “Jill, you’re a trip—you and your wide-eyed innocence.” She chuckled. “Look at me. Do I look like the kind of woman any man would want? I’m telling you; it doesn’t happen for people like me. I had my marriage, and it didn’t work out. True love is for other people—younger, prettier people.”

  Jill’s heart contracted with sympathy. “You have such a great personality, Pam. You’re really funny, and you have beautiful hair and such a lovely face. Plus, you’re a woman of substance. The right man will see you for who you really are.”

  “I’m not holding my breath.”

  “You don’t have to hold your breath. If you want love, just put forth a positive intention with strong emotion and believe in what you write about: true love with the man of your dreams. Write about romance as if it was your own real-life story, and I bet those books will sell like hotcakes!”

  On Friday evening, Denny and Jill got together at his house to cook dinner. It was the perfect night to share a glass or two of wine while sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace or watching a movie. In fact, Denny had picked up two DVDs in case Jill didn’t care for what was available on demand through his cable company.

  “I got a couple of chick flicks,” he announced, handing her Sleepless in Seattle and Wh
ile You Were Sleeping.

  “Love them both,” Jill said as she stirred olive oil into crushed tomatoes and added diced marinated artichokes and thinly sliced scallions for her favorite sauce, which she always served over cheese ravioli. “Why don’t you choose the movie, since I selected our menu for tonight?”

  “That smells great, by the way,” Denny said as he washed and dried the arugula for the salad. “What kind of dressing do you want?” He rummaged through the shelves of his refrigerator door.

  “Let’s not waste that marinade from the artichoke hearts,” she said. “We can use it with some fresh lemon juice.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Good idea. I have a nice, peppery zinfandel for us to try, too.”

  “That will be perfect with the arugula salad and the red sauce.” She leaned in for a quick kiss. “This is really fun,” she said happily. “I’m not used to having a cooking partner, unless it’s Liam.” She threw cheese ravioli into a pot of boiling water. “He always enjoyed cooking, even when he was a little boy.”

  “I bet that went over well with his da.” Denny snorted.

  “David used to give Liam a difficult time when Finn was outside playing and Liam wanted to be in the kitchen with me. He called him a sissy. At the time, David meant it in good fun. But by the time Liam was about twelve, I began to realize that he might be gay, and I made David stop using that word. Now I think I should have done more, said more to David to get him to stop.”

  “Let me guess. David thinks all that time in the kitchen is what caused his son to be gay.”

  “David is too smart to think something like that,” Jill said. “But he was definitely uncomfortable when Liam didn’t follow along with the other boys in the neighborhood when it came time to be interested in girls.”

  “Did David spend much time with the boys when they were growing up? Surely, a parent who is really in touch with a kid just knows.”

  “David was hardly ever home,” Jill said, shaking her head.

  “So, when did you find out that Liam was gay?”

  “I think I knew when he was in junior high,” Jill said, accepting the glass of wine Denny poured for her. “Liam always kept to himself and spent a lot of time in his room. I don’t know if he was the butt of jokes at school or not, but we chalked it up to typical middle school behavior, at first. David made a big deal, though, out of what he called Liam’s antisocial behavior. David, of course, was always popular in school, and he thought Liam should be, too. In a way, Liam is the twin that David thought was most like him.”

  “Ah,” Denny said. “I’m beginning to see the trouble. David thought that Liam’s being gay somehow reflected on his own manhood or his faults as a father. Then, on top of that, Liam looked just like him.”

  “Exactly right,” Jill said. “Finn took girls to dances in junior high, and Missy was his steady girl in high school. David compared Liam to Finn all the time, goading him into acting more like his brother. All it did was cause Liam to retreat more.”

  “So from the time Liam was a lad, he knew his da didn’t approve of him.”

  “I think that at first, he just wanted Liam to fit in. David does love Liam. He thought he could coach him into being more comfortable with girls. But deep down, David wants him to be someone other than who he is.” Jill flinched. “Finn was the first to really know about Liam, but he kept his secret for years.”

  “Maybe a twin knows instinctively.”

  “The truth came out after Liam had a terrible bout of depression his freshman year in college at Rutgers. He disappeared from campus for a whole week. I got a call from Rutgers telling me that Liam hadn’t been attending classes and that his roommate hadn’t seen him in days. I was scared and called David home from a trip. Turns out, Liam hitchhiked to find Finn, who was at the University of Vermont. They spent the weekend together, and Finn encouraged him to go back to school. It was Finn who probably helped Liam the most by telling him that no matter what, he loved him and was proud to be his twin.”

  “Poor Liam,” Denny said, shaking his head. “And then he told you why he left school?”

  “He tried to.” Jill sighed. “He told me he was unhappy and that he needed my support. I told him that whatever was going on in his life, we loved him and he had our full support. I had guessed, by that time, what was going on. The problem was, he didn’t have our support, only mine. David was furious, of course, and demanded to know why Liam had done such a stupid thing, leaving school like that, and causing him to have to rush home from an important assignment.”

  “He inconvenienced his famous father. How inconsiderate of him,” Denny said wryly.

  Jill took a sip of her wine, recalling the pain on her son’s face. “Liam said that he didn’t want to disappoint us, but he couldn’t hide who he was anymore. David said …”—Jill took in a slow breath—“he said he didn’t care who Liam was, as long as he didn’t do anything to cause trouble like that ever again. ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ he said to Liam. Then he walked away—just left the kid standing there with his heart and guts hanging out.”

  “That’s awful.” Denny put down his wine glass, resting his hands on his crossed arms.

  “It never mattered to me that Liam was gay, except for the pain he endured while he was trying to figure out how to be the man he is now. He turned out so well, and it just hurts me so much that he feels less worthy of his father’s love than Finn. About a year ago, Liam wanted David to meet Brian, and David refused. Liam and his dad have hardly spoken since—until recently, that is.”

  “Are things improving between them? You said Liam offered the olive branch by taking his dad home after he got pissed at your party.”

  Jill smiled slightly at the memory of Liam and Brian taking charge of David. “As bad as things have been between David and Liam, the amazing thing is that it might be what happened—the affair and our divorce—that’s paving the way for things to improve between Liam and David,” she said. “I guess every cloud really does have a silver lining.”

  They enjoyed a leisurely dinner and then Denny washed while Jill dried the dishes. “Is there something you’d like to do now?” he asked when she hung up the terrycloth towel. “I mean, we could watch a movie or just listen to some music.” He placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her deeply. Her heart quickened as his hands moved from her face, down her arms, and rested on the sides of her hips.

  “Make love to me.” The words came so easily to her. She scarcely realized she had said them out loud until his eyes opened wide with surprise.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, very sure,” she answered, wanting nothing more than to feel him against her, as close as humanly possible.

  He led her by the hand down the hallway and into his bedroom, which was lit by moonlight through the open drapes. They stood together beside the huge bed, and he kissed her again. Jill had expected to feel nervous, even awkward, as they came together for the first time, but instead felt cherished as he looked at her with longing.

  She was conscious of the beauty of the mountain he had painted on the large headboard, a scene that evoked a feeling of being far, far away. All she could see, hear, smell, taste, or feel at this moment was Denny. She entwined her arms around his neck as his hands moved along her body, holding her securely at the hips. He pressed his mouth harder against hers, a kiss that deepened in intensity and that she wanted to go on forever. She felt light headed as his fingers moved beneath her sweater to touch her skin, his feather-light touch exploring her. He lowered his head to kiss the place where her neck and collarbone met. Slowly he began unfastening the buttons on her sweater, taking his time, his mouth never moving far from hers. She stopped breathing for a moment as he removed the sweater from her shoulders and kissed each one, then kissed the swell of her breasts above her white lace bra.

  She raised the heavy wool sweater over his head and then began unbuttoning his shirt. She pressed her lips against his chest, feeling the
fine, dark hairs as she breathed in his delicious masculine smell. Heat was rising from his chest as she kissed his neck. She sighed as he unzipped and lowered her jeans and dropped them to the floor.

  “I’ve imagined this moment since the first time I laid eyes on you,” he said.

  She was unable to answer as he kissed her again. Then she stood perfectly still, watching as he removed the rest of his clothing and drew the duvet cover to the bottom of the bed. He pulled her close and unhooked her bra, touching her breasts with his fingertips until he evoked a small sound of startled pleasure.

  “Beautiful,” he said, and moved against her.

  Jill sighed with happiness as he guided her onto the bed, gently laying her on her back. Resting his firm body on top of hers, he continued kissing her. She shifted her legs slightly as an exquisite feeling engulfed her. Now she wrapped her legs around him, feeling his desire for her, the urgency of his movements. She wanted to please him. As her head fell back and her eyes opened wide, she noticed that the mountain peaks above her on the headboard were misty, and knew it was from her own tears.

  Afterward, Jill lay there quietly, her face on Denny’s chest. She felt the quick, steady beat of his heart and listened to his breath as he stroked her back lightly with his fingertips. They remained that way until she felt certain he must have fallen asleep. She kissed his jaw, ran her fingers over his chest, and knew in that moment that she was in love.

  After a little while, he stirred and asked, “Are you cold?”

  “A little,” she murmured, and he pulled the duvet over them. She shivered in delight at the feeling of warmth that enveloped her as her toes entwined with his. He turned to her, tipped her chin, and kissed her lightly.

  “Stay with me, please.”

  “I will,” she answered. She moved closer to him and rested her arm across his chest before they fell asleep.