Don't Try This at Home
Page 30
Do not lick him. Do NOT lick him. You have done a shitload of awful things to people, but you have never licked anybody without permission, and you’re not going to do it now. Matt firmly bit his tongue.
Roe tilted his head. “So, did I interrupt you at the right time? Rate my performance. You know how much I appreciate your feedback, Matthew.” The reference to their e-mails made Matt feel surprisingly good.
Matt said, “Well, I appreciate you considering my head.” He paused. “That sounded kind of wrong. Look, I’m sorry, but… okay, did they also warn you that I’m an idiot?” He felt his face redden.
Roe laughed. “I’ve noticed you have a unique way with words, yeah. I have to admit, that made me curious. And I’m also curious about you for other reasons.” His voice sounded almost tentative. “Matthew, I hope this isn’t grounds for harassment, but you have very nice eyes.”
Matt, who knew his eyes were a pretty normal-looking green, was surprised. “Unlike yours.” Which are gorgeous. Wait. Shit. “I meant, what I meant to say was, your eyes are so not like that. That, being mine, which aren’t all that great, and yours aren’t anything close.” His throat was tightening up, but Roe only looked increasingly amused. Matt gave the topic up. “Why do you keep calling me Matthew?”
Roe shrugged. “I have this constant itch to be different. You were right about my nickname, incidentally; it really is ridiculous. It matches the ridiculousness of my full name. Theodoro?” Roe laughed. “The Latin version would be Teodoro, the English would be Theodore, but my parents had to mash them together for the most impossibly theatrical name ever. And now my friends call me Roe, just like the fish eggs you find on cheap sushi rolls. I like to think it keeps me humble.”
Matt was stunned. Why was Roe telling him all this? “You can’t possibly be humble. I mean, the way you act.” What did I just say? “I mean, humility would be stupid on you. Not that you’re stupid….”
Roe held up a hand, stopping the words. “I suspect I heard a compliment somewhere in there, and my Spidey-senses tell me that you were probably trying to compliment my eyes earlier too. Thanks.”
Matt felt like he had just been given a stay of execution. His face cooled a little. “You wanted a file, before you started talking so much. Fuck. I didn’t mean to say that there’s anything wrong with you talking too much… you don’t talk too much, it’s just too much for me, except, no. Did I just say fuck in front of you?” The gallows loomed before him again. “I talk to you too much, apparently… not that I want to stop, but I sort of desperately need to stop….”
Roe held up both hands this time to stop the reckless flow of babbling, and he took Matt by the shoulder and started laughing with such a helpless, amazed look in his eyes that Matt had to join in, and then, suddenly, it was funny. Funny, rather than tragic or disastrous. It felt friendly. Almost like… bonding.
Matt’s heart ached in his chest and he couldn’t stop smiling. “Roe. File. Please.”
Roe nodded firmly, schooling his face to seriousness again. “Yes. Roe get file, Matt no talk, we achieve goal. I need Atraxis Systems, and if there is more than one file, I need them all. Can you point them out?”
Matt nodded silently, still smiling, and leaned over to open the right cabinet drawer. He indicated the entire drawer, and Roe’s eyes widened.
“There’s no way I can get all of that to my desk. No wonder Mandy had that evil smile when she offered me this account.”
Matt cleared his throat. “Matt carry.”
Roe looked up. “Are you sure?”
Of course he was sure. Matt knew where the hand truck was, he had a stack of extra file boxes above the office supply room shelves—hidden so they wouldn’t be stolen by anybody looking to score free moving boxes—and more to the point, Matt didn’t want Roe or anybody else messing up Trudy’s very organized filing system.
Matt simply nodded.
“Then I will trust in your expertise, as usual.” Roe winked and left.
Matt turned to lean against the wall, wrapping his arms around his head, and mumbled into the side of one of his elbows, “I would bring you every cabinet in the fucking room if you needed it.” He paused. “That didn’t even make sense to me. God, I need help. I so need help here. Help?” No answer seemed forthcoming. Matt sighed and went to find the filing boxes.
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Atraxis Systems
First of all, thank you so much for boxing up those files so neatly and bringing them to my office.
Second of all, next time you stop by here, don’t disappear so quickly! I had just stepped out for a moment, and was sorry to have missed you. Hopefully when we see each other again, we can chat. Unless I smell. I wouldn’t ask you to tolerate that. (I don’t think I smell, though.)
Roe
From: Gaijeski, Matthew
To: Thompson, Theodoro
Subject: Re: Atraxis Systems
You do smell. I noticed it in the filing room. And since this is an e-mail, and I’m actually re-reading that sentence, I can follow it with: you smell good. And hope that this falls in with the “nice eyes” comment and we’re both in no danger of harassment lawsuits or being taken out into the street and pelted with tomatoes.
I’ll hang out next time I’m up there. I usually don’t like being in Sales. Most of the guys up there smell, and not in the you way.
Did you actually have like a question that had anything to do with the subject line? Because I know diddly-shit about Atraxis.
Matt
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Re: Atraxis Systems
No, the subject line was merely to make my vapid little e-mail seem more substantial.
Given that I smell better than the majority of the Sales department (thank you; I feel flattered and extremely smug right now,) you should stop by tomorrow morning and have coffee with me. I actually bring the good stuff with me to the office.
Roe
“JESUS CHRIST, man, you’re a menace to the planet!”
Roe looked surprised. “I beg your pardon?”
Matt smacked his forehead with his open palm, a little harder than he meant to. That’ll leave a mark. “I didn’t mean that quite the way it sounded.”
“So I’m only a menace to our particular postal code?” Roe’s voice hovered perilously near sarcasm. Sarcasm was the nearest thing to anger he had, as yet, ever displayed.
Matt spread his hands, helplessly, trying to smile. “Thanks for bringing me coffee.”
Roe hesitated. “I take it the sudden outburst was you noticing the soy milk.”
“Um, yeah.” Matt took a more careful sip. “I can really taste it. It’s a taste… that’s… different. Not different-bad, although in this case it’s kind of bad, because, no. It could be different-good, it just isn’t right at the moment. Good. I mean. No, it’s good! Thank you! So much.”
“Matthew, I’m afraid I was being a meddler and trying to look out for you. Fat-infused dairy is no favor to anybody. But given your reaction….” Roe winced. “I’m a bit of a health nut. I should have warned you. Is it that bad?”
“It was that bad on the first sip, but I was probably tasting it the wrong way.” Matt couldn’t be sure whether that made sense or not. “Thanks. For looking out for me, I mean.” He took too large a gulp and choked, nearly spitting it out. He managed to swallow, red-faced and covering his mouth with his hand, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he desperately tried to convulse in his chair without losing hold of the cup.
Roe observed the spectacle. “So. Cream next time, then.”
“No! I like it this way!” Matt coughed out, wiping some of the spillage from his chin.
Roe regarded him silently, and Matt just pleaded with his eyes until Roe’s face broke into a smile. Not his elegant, sales pitch flash of sexiness, but a wide and unaffected grin. “You’re a little bit of a menace yourself.”
Matt nodded fervently. “Oh, I am. I definitely am.”
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
Do you have any objection to my flirting with you?
Roe
From: Gaijeski, Matthew
To: Thompson, Theodoro
Subject: Re: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
No. No objection. Some confusion, but no objection.
At all.
Na55
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Re: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
Have a drink with me tonight, then. And please don’t be confused, Na55. You’re attractive, sweet, very intelligent, and you have a knowledge of quality fonts. What’s not to like?
Roe
From: Gaijeski, Matthew
To: Thompson, Theodoro
Subject: Re: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
Sorry, kind of typoed my own name back there, which, there’s really no way to recover from how stupid that makes me.
Very intelligent? You’re sure about that? I’ll agree with the part about the fonts.
Matt
From: Gaijeski, Matthew
To: Thompson, Theodoro
Subject: Re: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
FUCK. I ACTUALLY DID NOT EVEN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.
YES I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A DRINK WITH YOU.
MATT
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Re: Not even attempting the appearance of legitimacy
AWESOME. MEET ME IN THE LOBBY AT SIX.
ROE
MATT managed to make it through the day without getting printer toner all over his shirt, and even got down to the lobby on time. When Roe emerged from the elevator, smiling and sleek and miraculously still interested in having drinks, Matt began, hesitantly, to think that perhaps the evening might go well for him.
Then Haman walked by them, slapped Matt companionably on the shoulder, and said, “G’night, Vagina.”
Matt froze.
Roe blinked, staring at Haman as he walked out. “Matthew, why did he just call you ‘Vagina’?”
“I have no idea,” Matt said earnestly. “He calls everybody that.”
Roe lifted one eyebrow. “I don’t believe you. What’s more, I intend to get the full story out of you once I have plied you with liquor.”
Matt sighed. “You’ll have to ply pretty hard.”
“I intend to,” Roe said in a low, smooth tone. “I’ll ply you all night if I have to.”
Matt’s internal organs attempted to rearrange themselves into an alarming new configuration, and he nearly doubled over with the shock. “Ugh!”
Roe’s eyes went wide and he grabbed Matt’s shoulder, steadying him. “Hey, are you all right?”
No. I’m doomed. “Fine,” Matt gasped. “Let’s go.”
From: Thompson, Theodoro
To: Gaijeski, Matthew
Subject: Last night
I have two questions and one declarative statement:
1. How is your shoulder?
2. Did you and the taxi driver make it to your house alive?
3. Last night was not the disaster that you’re thinking it was.
- Roe
From: Gaijeski, Matthew
To: Thompson, Theodoro
Subject: Re: Last night
1. Not bad. I’m very, very tough. I can handle broken bar stools, broken glass, slippery floors, tiled bartops, falling pianos, and collapsing buildings without even bruising. If I couldn’t, I would have died years ago.
2. Yes.
3. I am so, so, so, repeating that for a minute, sorry.
- Matt
“HI there, Lone Wrangler.”
Matt glanced up and then stared. Roe was out of his usual sleek suit, dressed down to business casual in a pair of slate-gray slacks and a cobalt shirt, open at the collar. He looked amazing. And he was still willing to speak to Matt. He was even willing to e-mail Matt first. Matt tried to keep the worshipful adoration in his voice to a reasonable level as he said, “Hi.”
Roe smiled. “I’ve heard that you can repair anything broken.”
“That’s, uh, what they say. They may be wrong.”
“How about last night’s date?” Roe’s eyes twinkled.
Matt shook his head. “Outside my scope, sorry. I don’t support Chernobyl-level disaster relief.”
“Mind if I sit?”
Matt glanced over at the one other chair, piled high with motherboards and old hard drives, and frantically cleared it, dumping everything into the empty trash can. “Yeah.”
Roe sat down and crossed his legs. “Can we talk about what happened?”
“Do we have to?” Matt mumbled, turning in his chair to log out of the server.
“Have you ever had an embarrassing moment that you didn’t try to immediately forget?”
Matt considered for a moment. “Actually, um, no. I always try to forget. Who wouldn’t?”
“And does it work? Have you forgotten all those painful moments?”
Matt looked at Roe, feeling a flash of surprise. “Well… no, I guess I haven’t. I remember all of them.” He paused, feeling that familiar, sick feeling in his stomach. “Every… single… one.”
Roe’s eyes were serious and sympathetic. “So why not forget about forgetting this one? Let’s talk.”
“Okay.”
“Once upon a time, two men of good means and reasonable appeal walked into a bar.”
Matt smiled. “Your appeal is totally unreasonable.”
Roe smiled back. “You and your constant flattery.”
“Uh….”
“To continue: they have a drink. One of them is unusually tense, but the conversation seems to relax him.” Roe paused, and Matt sighed, looking down. Roe continued, “The other man is also very, very nervous, but I suspect the first man never notices that.”
“You were nervous? You were nervous?”
“This shocks you?” Roe chuckled. “I was. I like you, if you haven’t gathered. I wanted everything to go perfectly.”
“I’ve gathered, but….” Matt couldn’t seem to stop staring. “Roe, nothing ever goes perfectly. Especially not when you’re with me.”
“Which I have noticed. And frankly, it’s refreshing.”
Matt was so confused that it almost felt like panic. He was finding it hard to breathe. “But… why? Roe, that makes no fucking kind of sense. Who would want… how… I don’t even….”
“Matthew, breathe.”
“If I weren’t breathing, I wouldn’t be conscious!”
“If you don’t breathe, you soon won’t be. You’re turning green.”
Matt tried to remember how lungs worked. “Jesus, Roe….” He looked at Roe in despair. “Why are you here? I mean, I’m here. This is my place. Therefore someone like you shouldn’t even exist in this room. You’re like… impossible.” He paused. “That sounded a lot worse than I meant it.”
“I am here, therefore I am possible. Matthew, listen to me.” Roe sighed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and brushed a hand through his hair. He suddenly looked… nervous. “Matthew, you think you were nervous enough to spill a drink. That’s not how I saw the situation. Here is what I saw: you were nervous, I was nervous, and you spilled your drink before I could.”
Matt shook his head. “You’re not clumsy like I am.”
Roe lifted an eyebrow. “How would you know?”
“Because you’re perfect!” Matt blurted out, and then turned bright red. Well, there we go. That’s right up there with “I love you” in terms of disastrous things to say to someone you just went on a first date with. He sighed.
But Roe was blushing, too. He looked down at his hands. “Am I?”
Yet again,
Roe was failing to run screaming from a Mattastrophe. Matt felt desperately confused. “I mean, yes, you are. …Aren’t you?”
Roe laughed and started to answer, and then a voice called out from two cubicles over. “Matt….” Roe straightened and looked around. Mandy appeared. Despite her fitted suit and expensive shoes, she looked, as usual, like a comforting grandmother figure. “Oh, sorry, fellows, interrupting a business meeting?” She smiled at Roe. Matt noticed that a lot of people smiled at Roe.
Roe smiled back, but there was something strange about it. He wasn’t giving her the same smile that Matt usually saw. This one was different, and Roe was sitting differently, and his eyes looked different too, in some strange way. He said, “Very important business at hand, Mandy. We’re trying to decide just exactly what’s in the egg salad sandwich in the food court downstairs that makes it so amazingly… ah….”
Mandy wrinkled her nose. “Disgusting?”
“Eggs?” Matt suggested.
Mandy just gave him a weary look, but Roe turned his smile back to Matt, and Matt thought he saw just a tinge of normal Roe in it. “Maybe eggs delivered up by evil chickens. With bad hygiene.”
“Maybe,” Matt agreed.
Roe coughed. “We were just discussing the upgrade on Atraxis’ current vendor site setup. You know how helpless I am at high tech.” His voice was smooth and confident, with that same hint of falseness that his smile had, and it was really starting to creep Matt out.
Mandy just shook her head, utterly charmed. “You’re good at everything, Roe, don’t pretend you’re not. Matt, I need you to look at the lights above Trudy’s cube when you get a chance. They’re doing that flickery thing again.”
“No problem.”
“Roe, you’ll soon learn that Matt is our resident superhero, even when none of us can understand a word he says, which is most of the time.” Mandy winked.