Don't Try This at Home

by Ellee Hill

  Matt tried not to fall off his chair at the rare feeling of being praised. It felt warm all over. “Mandy’s my mom,” he said to Roe, shyly. Then stopped. “I mean, not like, my mom, she’s everybody’s mom around here except for a few who are almost as old as she is. I mean—”

  Mandy shook her head. “Matt, stop talking, take a breath, and focus on the flickery light problem. Mmmkay?”

  Matt bit his lip and nodded.

  “You boys avoid that egg salad. I think it’s possessed. Ciao.” She turned and left.

  Roe relaxed in the chair again and looked back at Matt for a moment. “You’re… amazing.”

  “Amazingly idiotic,” Matt groaned.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “You’re in the minority. The way minority. The like, micro-rity.” Matt looked at Roe suspiciously. “What were you doing a minute ago? She walked up and you suddenly went away. I mean, not away, but you weren’t here.” Matt winced. “Shit, what am I trying to say?”

  Roe said, “Exactly what you meant to, I suspect. And exactly what happened. I went away. The man you just saw? Not me.” He looked embarrassed for a moment. “I suspect it’s automatic. I’m not sure I can stop.”

  “Wow.” Matt paused. “I kinda wish I could become someone else when other people are around.”

  “You do,” Roe said, softly.

  “I do what?”

  Roe straightened up. “So. Sandwiches?”

  Matt grimaced. “I say we do the unholy turkey. The egg salad really is possessed.”

  “Have a romantic lunch in the cafeteria with me?”

  Matt had to wonder how on earth Roe did the eye-twinkle thing. It was nearly cartoonish in its perfection. “Cafeteria romance is about my speed.”

  “Well, now I’m excited!”

  “You’re a real weirdo, Roe. Wait. I mean….”

  Roe leaned in and put a hand on Matt’s shoulder, his voice going low. “Do you know, I find you quite charming.” He smiled, and it was a real smile, but it was also a very slow smile.

  Matt had absolutely nothing to say.

  THEY had two lunches together and a few conversations without Matt’s hapless social impairments causing too much havoc, and Matt was starting to relax a little. There was something about Roe that, as time went on, was very calming. Roe, more than any other human he had ever met, had some magical ability to reach through Matt’s impenetrable wall of gibberish and find the expression of surprisingly valid thoughts. It was amazing to Matt how relaxing it was, and as a result, he began… very slowly… to occasionally say something that made sense. And Roe seemed equally entertained whether Matt was conversing or merely fumbling.

  Roe seemed to really like Matt. Not Matt’s shoulders, not Matt’s dick, not Matt’s salary, nor his ability to fix computers, nor any other appendage that would balance out Matt’s shortcomings. No, Roe actually seemed to like… Matt’s shortcomings.

  They were finding their footing around each other.

  So naturally it was time for the rest of the office to start interfering.

  It started with Terry, who had always been the office gossip. And Matt had the opportunity to realize just how different things were for him than they had been before: he and Roe had been very understated. Usually, Matt’s disasters were glaringly public. He’d never had anything like a scandalous secret before.

  Of course, it really shouldn’t have been that scandalous for two normal, single individuals to flirt and have lunch and even go on a date, but Terry had a talent for making everything that happened in the office sound like an Enquirer cover story byline: “Disgusting Love-Horking in the Cafeteria! Sex and User Icons! Torrid Gay Boys at Play in the Office Supply Room!”

  She started with a subtle remark, said to Roe in passing: “So I hear you’re boning Vagina. And here we thought you were gay!”

  Even Matt was forced to admit that one was funny.

  But Roe actually blushed and stammered, “We’re… friends, Terry.”

  Terry’s eyes went wide. “Do you honestly mean to tell me that you haven’t jiggled pork swords with the Lone Wrangler yet? I’m appalled, Roe. Appalled.”

  That was all it took. The floodgates opened, and millions of well-meaning citizens poured through them to join the crusade to get the newest and cutest office couple to boink, preferably on top of the office copier, as both of them had magnificent butts.

  There were variations in approach.

  “So. How is he?” Carl in accounting was one of the ones who wanted to fuck Roe, too, so his smirk had a tinge of plastic good will.

  “Do try not to let it affect your work. You know how I feel about fraternization, honey.” That was Mandy.

  “Hey, way to go!” Several were congratulatory and uninterested. Matt couldn’t understand how on earth anybody could be uninterested in the notion of fucking Roe, and he was mildly insulted at the idea.

  “Um, that’s great, bro.” Matt had no idea how Egan survived a career in Sales.

  “Oh my God, how did you land him?” Brenda was sweet, but more than a little entertained watching Matt fumble for answers.

  “How big is his cock?” Some were a little invasive.

  “So how’d you guys meet?” Some were completely idiotic.

  “Is he a nice boy?” How the hell Matt’s actual mother found out about it, he would never know.

  It was mortifying and slightly flattering, and Matt had to marvel at the strength of the social force of vicarious sex. And while he spent days blushing and tripping over his tongue, at least his inability to say anything sensible was an improvement upon always saying the wrong thing. But Matt was distracted from his mortification by Roe’s even more thorough, if slightly more graceful, embarrassment.

  Terry always had the sharpest tongue. “So, Sir Galahad, did you do the deed yet? We’re all hoping you cram Matt’s mouth full of cock and just leave it there.”

  Roe was red-faced and enraged for hours after that one. Matt could understand that, but it seemed a little bit more than just defensiveness over the insult. Even the casual mentions of the two of them seemed to upset Roe.

  “Why can’t anybody in this corporate hellhole mind his or her own business? Is there some kind of sexual obsession serum contaminating the hand soap?” he groused.

  “Maybe they’re all really horny,” Matt suggested.

  “Then they need to learn to get off on porn, the way normal, decent people do!”

  “I guess I do too.”

  Roe gave Matt an absolutely heartbroken look, and Matt immediately felt lower than bedrock, but it was true… there was clear interest on both sides, they had gone out a few times, and they hadn’t even kissed yet. They had barely touched, in fact. And Matt was worried that he was going to lose the use of his hand, trying to compensate for the distinct lack of Roe-bone in his lifestyle.

  Roe said, “Look, Matt… It’s just….” He stopped, looking miserable.

  Matt tried to smile. “Don’t Sales me, okay?” He wasn’t sure what else to say, how to describe or fix what was wrong. He fixed computers, not relationships. Relationships didn’t have documentation.

  And Roe wasn’t saying anything back.

  “Haman’s printer jammed again. I’ll see you later.”

  MATT walked into Roe’s office with the hesitant steps of a virginal prison inmate. The e-mail had been terse. He wasn’t sure what “terse” might indicate in a man like Roe. He didn’t actually know any other men like Roe.

  Matt, meet me in my office at 5:30. I know you usually leave around that time. This won’t take long, we just have an issue to discuss.

  That had been it. Not even a sign-off.

  It could only be the cold, hard truth, inspired by the graceless hammering of their coworkers: Roe was dumping Matt. Except they weren’t even in a relationship, not exactly. And it wasn’t like Matt would be losing anything except some conversation at lunch and maybe an evening at a bar now and then. But Matt had never been dumped in a not-rela
tionship before. It was a new low for him. He decided that wasn’t really surprising.

  He knocked on the door and stepped inside, sighing internally.

  Roe was standing with his back to the door, jotting something down at his dry-erase board. He looked unusually busy. Busy in the preoccupied, focused, not-to-be-disturbed way; busy the way people are when they’re trying to figure out Schedule C on their income tax forms.

  “Um, hi?” Matt ventured.

  Roe looked over his shoulder, his mouth tight and serious, one eyebrow marking Matt’s presence with a subtle quirk. “Shut the door, please.”

  Matt turned to the door and pushed it closed, waiting for the click. This can’t possibly be good.

  Before he could turn back, his shoulders were firmly gripped and he was being forcibly turned, his back pressed into the closed blinds over the window of the door, and he had barely time to take in a breath before his mouth was preoccupied with Roe’s tongue in a way that didn’t resemble anything even close to “dumped”. He made a soft sound and was only just beginning to kiss back when it was over, and he was looking into Roe’s dark eyes in utter shock.

  “Hi,” Matt said. “Was that… uh, the issue? That we have?”

  Roe smiled. “It’s one of them. At least, in my opinion it is… and I’m sorry. It’s my fault, totally my fault, Matt. I’ve been wanting to do that for three weeks, and yet, I haven’t.” He took a deep breath, so close that Matt could feel his chest rising and falling. “I’ve been, if you can believe it, a little too shy.”

  “Shy. You’ve been shy.” Matt let his gaze wander down to Roe’s mouth, which was slightly open still, lips soft and the tiniest bit wet from their kiss, and…. “Roe, I would have fucked you against the projector the first day we met if I could have gotten up the nerve. I would have… I can’t finish that sentence. But the end of that sentence is dirty. Way, waaaay dirty.” He realized his hands were wandering. He wasn’t entirely sure when they had begun to do that, but he decided they had excellent taste when his fingers found the curve of Roe’s ass and squeezed. “But I know I would have broken something.”

  Roe smiled, his teeth looking almost dangerous. “Something important? Like a few human resource department regulations? Perhaps a law or two?”

  “Or your ass,” Matt breathed, and then he blushed.

  Roe took two fistfuls of Matt’s shirt and yanked him into another hard kiss, sucking Matt’s lower lip and ending on a sharp nip. They were both breathing hard now, and Matt was losing his ability to think clearly, which was probably a good thing, since thinking never seemed to go well for him in these situations. Roe pressed his lips to Matt’s ear and growled, “Matthew, I heartily encourage you to try to break my ass. I might even beg you to.”

  Matt panted for air; it was like trying to breathe sex instead of oxygen. He placed his hands on a slightly more ergonomically appropriate place for gripping Roe’s body, and pushed Roe toward the wall. “I never break perfect equipment.” It came out almost smoothly, and Roe blinked in surprise for an instant. Matt decided not to risk saying anything else, and launched into the immediate sequel to Kissing in Roe’s Office (This Time, It’s Personal).

  It took their bodies under a second to decide that this needed to continue, and roughly ten seconds to decide that it probably wasn’t going to last very long if it did continue. Matt broke off and lowered his face to Roe’s shoulder for a moment, groaning softly. “Fuck, I haven’t been this hard since….” He stopped.

  Roe started laughing, reaching down to hitch up his pants, which, for the first time in perhaps his entire life, were in a slightly rumpled state of disarray. “Since?”

  “Um….”

  “Go on, Matthew. You think you can scare me off at this point?” Roe said caressingly into Matt’s ear, licking it gently.

  Matt blinked. “Never mind. I’ve never been this hard. Ever. Ever.” He reached down to adjust his pants, grunting. “Um, Roe, this… I don’t think we can take it home….”

  Roe laughed softly. “I may not have been thinking clearly. Hey, at least I waited until the office was empty.”

  Matt nodded and decided that wasting time would be an unforgivably criminal act. He frantically unbuttoned his pants, trying to keep his lips on Roe’s as much as possible, and then dropped to his knees. Roe’s own pants were fastened together with some kind of a complex, fashionable, pleated apparatus with a semi-hidden closure, so Matt just tore them open, waiting for a squawk of protest, relieved to only hear an approving groan. Matt wrestled Roe’s sleek black briefs down to his thighs. He was greeted with a thump in the face from Roe’s cock, which sprang enthusiastically free of the elastic like a jumping puppy. Matt nuzzled it, almost feeling tears come to his eyes. It was like a child’s first seaside sunset, or the flowers across the Alps in spring that made Julie Andrews burst into song: finally, Roe’s dick, hard and dripping, and within slurping range. Matt wished he were a painter or a poet, or maybe even a photographer. Someone with the talent to capture the wonder of the Dick of Theodoro.

  He decided to go with the talents he already had. Matt looked up. “Hey, guess what?”

  “What?” Roe said softly, giving Matt the sleepy, desperate look that only seemed possible on someone whose cock was about to get the Hoover treatment.

  “I’m good at two things. Fixing electronics, and guess the other one.” Matt grinned and promptly went to work, inhaling Roe’s cock as he reached down into his own loosened pants to jack himself off.

  Roe tried his best to be quiet, but when Matt sucked him down to the root, the strangled noises they both made were amazingly obscene. Matt didn’t even care. He didn’t know whether he and Roe had a permanent thing, and as this might be his last opportunity, he was giving head as though the earth were plummeting toward the sun. Roe’s cock was an oasis of ecstasy in the midst of an unending desert of printers and icons. It was joy, it was sorrow, it was delight, it was birthday cake… and it was also hardening and nudging the roof of Matt’s mouth in a way that said Roe was about to shoot embarrassingly quickly. Matt moaned, his hand moving like lightning over his own dick. He knew he was going to come the moment Roe’s spunk hit his tongue, and he wasn’t wrong: when Roe flooded Matt’s mouth, it was all Matt could do to keep swallowing and not double over from the force of his own orgasm, soaking his briefs and turning his thighs to Jell-O. He kept his mouth going for several more seconds before he gave up and fell sideways to the floor, gasping.

  Roe slid down the wall and drooped, looking utterly disheveled, his gaze distant and amazed. “I… that… you….”

  Matt gasped, “Would you please shut up?”

  What did I just say and why did I say it?

  There was a pause, and then Roe started laughing, and Matt started laughing, also groaning a little bit because his abs hurt from coming so hard, and then they were both gasping for breath and holding onto each other and howling with laughter, unable to stop. Roe pushed Matt flat to the ground and kissed his swollen lips. They finished their collective rumpling by wrinkling each other’s shirts as they rolled around and made out like two starving men, making up for the days of lost time.

  It was a messy, sweaty, perfect moment.

  So of course there was a knock on the door.

  Roe and Matt froze, staring at each other, hoping like mad it was the kind of knock that would courteously wait for a reply, rather than the usual office knock that was nothing more than a few token taps before the door was opened.

  The door was opened.

  Roe promptly wriggled his way out from under Matt, his eyes frantic as though he were trying to think of some kind of a spin he could put on this situation. Matt, who had never spun a situation to advantage in his life, simply closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable doom.

  A polite, female voice said, “A-hem.”

  Roe said, “Um… hi?” His voice was actually squeaking a little. Matt just knew that it had to be Mandy. He cautiously opened his eyes, nearly squeakin
g himself with dread, and looked at the doorway.

  Luandra was standing there.

  “Hi, Lu,” Matt said, miserably. “Um. Wow, TGIF, right?”

  Luandra looked at him. She took a long, dramatic breath. And then she wailed, “Oh my God, penises!”

  Roe barked a tight laugh. “No, oh no no no no….”

  Matt grimaced as he struggled to his knees, fighting to get his pants closed. “Very funny.” He paused. “…Vagina.”

  Luandra flicked a pen at his head. “Boys, get your stupid clothes on.”

  Roe was trying to get to his feet, his pants in hopeless shreds. “Luandra, we’re very sorry that you had to… erm… find us like this… it’s just that… shit. You’re not going to alert the management, are you? I mean, I’ve been here a few months and it wouldn’t be that big a disaster, but Matt has been here for years….”

  “Matt has done way worse than this, Roe, and survived it. You are hereby on probation. No more gay penis in my presence, please.” Luandra shook her head. “Well, I suppose I can be convinced not to tell Mandy and Des. On one condition.”

  “What condition?” Matt asked, dreading the answer.

  She smiled an evil smile. “I get to tell everybody else all about it.”

  Matt sighed. “Tell anybody you want, just go away. I mean. Sorry. Please go away?”

  “Absolutely, Mattastrophe.” Luandra opened the door. “I actually don’t have to tell anybody all that much, you know.” She walked out, her hips swaying just slightly, and that was when Matt heard it… the hum of voices and some soft laughter.

  “Roe…?”

  Roe’s eyes widened. “Matt.”

  “Roe? Help? What’s going on?”

  “Matt. I have severely, and completely, and impressively, fucked up.”

  Matt blinked a few times, helplessly. “I hope you don’t mean that you accidentally tripped and your dick landed in my mouth.”

  “No, no.” Roe waved his hands. “I just… I forgot that they’re settling the March Madness pool today.”

  Matt gasped. “Shit. Fuck. Shitnuts. Fucknuts.”