Undead Alchemist

by Kat Cotton

  Chapter 30 Magic Shop

  WHILE KISHO RESEARCHED, I got in touch with Francine. I needed to make sure I had a business to return to, and I wanted her to do some checking for me.

  “It’s been fairly quiet, but we’ve had three clients this week. One thought he had a poltergeist, but it was just possums. We trapped them and released them like you showed us. Freaky little guys when you get close to them.”

  “And you charged him full price?”

  “Sure did.”

  “Now, tell me, did you give Nic my t-shirts? He gave one to the damn mayor.”

  She sighed that love-struck sigh. “He dropped by to see me around Christmas time, and I was wearing mine. When he asked for one, I could hardly resist that smile, could I? Well, he asked for a few, actually. He seemed to really love them.”

  I let that go. For now. “When you’ve got time, I want you to research someone for me.”

  I gave her the name the mayor had given me. I didn’t mention any more. This guy might be related to me by blood, but I wasn’t calling him Grandfather.

  After the call, I got back to research. Well, all right; mostly, my research was playing Minesweeper, since I’d scoured everything I could find on alchemy and Prague. Kisho had everything covered.

  “There are a couple of magic shops in the city,” Kisho said. “We should check them out. Maybe they’re just tourist traps, but it can’t hurt to take a look. After all, the alchemist needs to buy his ingredients somewhere.”

  Well, yeah, that did make sense.

  “It’s not like he’s going to just walk into a store and blatantly ask for a philosopher’s stone, but he’d need other alchemy stuff too. And it’s a bit boring just sitting in this lobby all day.”

  Kisho made a list of the places we needed to go, and we headed off.

  The first shop we hit was definitely a tourist trap. Too many scented candles for my liking.

  “Let’s go,” I said. “All this smelly stuff is giving me a headache.”

  “At least you don’t have a vampire nose. It’s pretty intense.”

  It did have one of those really cool vintage fortunetelling machines, though, complete with a dodgy-looking mechanical swami. I was pretty sure that wasn’t politically correct, but I wanted to try it out. Kisho dragged me off before I got the chance, though.

  The second one on the list looked more promising. It was opposite a bakery with an alluring array of cakes in the window. Even if the magic shop was a bust, I’d have to try those cakes.

  A bell dinged loudly as we stepped into the store. Hell, they could get some better lighting. The whole place had a dark and dusty air. A cat pounced at us from out of nowhere, hissing at me.

  Damn cats.

  A skinny guy with long, lank hair and a goatee was working behind the counter. Judging by his scowling face, he wasn’t trying to attract the tourist dollar.

  “I’ll test him out,” Kisho whispered. He approached the counter and asked for an aludel.

  “Sorry, out of stock at the moment.” The guy didn’t even look up from the dusty old book he was reading.

  “You don’t happen to know where I could get one, do you? I don’t need to buy it, just borrow it for something I’m working on.”

  “This is a shop. We sell things. We aren’t a conduit for borrowing equipment.”

  Kisho reached into his back pocket and drew a few notes out of his wallet, then leaned across the counter, fanning them out. “I could make it worth your while, and since you don’t have any in stock, it’s not like you’re losing a sale, anyway.”

  Lank Hair looked up, a slow smile spreading across his face. “You do have a point.” He slowly moved his long fingers across the counter, like the crawling of a spider. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Kisho snatched the money back. “Let us know when you have concrete information.”

  My heart swelled with pride. Once, not so long ago, Kisho would’ve just handed over the money. I’d taught him well.

  “How long will this take?” I asked the guy. “Time is of the essence.”

  “Time is an illusion,” he said.

  “Yeah, and that money is an illusion until we get our information,” I told him. “We’ll go to the cafe across the road and come back in half an hour.”

  He nodded.

  “Okay, let’s eat cake,” I said as we left.

  Kisho said, “I thought you could never look at another cake again.”

  “Did I say that?”

  Half an hour later, we returned to the magic shop. The lank-haired guy slid a slip of paper, obviously torn out of a cheap notebook, across the counter.

  “Money?”

  Kisho got the bills out of his wallet again and slid them halfway. They looked at each other, sizing each other up. I reached over and grabbed the paper.

  Before we left, I noticed a dusty old ring in the display case on the counter. It was kind of cool, with a dark red stone in the center and some characters on the brassy metal.

  “How much?” I asked.

  He named a price.

  “You’re kidding, right?” I named my price.

  “This ring has power, lady. It gives the wearer riches and influence. If you have a business, it’ll bring in customers.”

  I glanced around the store. “Maybe you should wear it yourself, because, dude, you’re not exactly making a killing here. Are we your first customers this decade?”

  “We do most of our sales online.”

  “Riiiight.”

  He took the ring out of the cabinet and held out for me to try on. It slipped onto my index finger like it’d been made for me. It really did feel like it belonged there.

  I restated my price.

  “No way.”

  I began to walk out of the store. That ring was cool, but I couldn’t pay the first price he said. He’d gotten enough cash out of us.

  “Wait,” he called.

  I grinned. I’d known I could talk him down.

  “My ring?”

  Shit. I’d forgotten to give it back to him. I tried to slip it off again, but it wouldn’t budge. Damn. That’s how they got you. I tried twisting it and wiggling it. Then I grimaced at the guy.

  “Do you have any soap, detergent, anything?”

  “It’s chosen you, so pay up.”

  I named another price, not believing his “chosen you” baloney. He nodded.

  “Kisho, pay the man.”

  Kisho raised his eyebrows.

  “You’re my boyfriend. Don’t you want to buy me a nice gift?” I put on my “charming girlfriend” smile.

  “Clem, we need to talk about this,” Kisho said. “You can’t expect me to buy things for you all the time. You’re an independent woman who actually has a source of income, unlike me.”

  I sighed and got out my wallet. This happened in every relationship I’d ever had.

  After I’d paid for the ring, I got out that slip of paper.

  “Ah, Kisho,” I said. “I’m actually going to need to get some money from somewhere.”

  He frowned at me, and I handed him the paper.

  “We really do need a jackhammer. This is the house where Fleur disappeared.”

  Chapter 31 Ring

  “A JACKHAMMER WOULD make this much easier,” I said, wrapping my arms around me. Being in an abandoned house with the wind howling around didn’t fill me with delight. “If only there was, like, a button that said ‘push here’ or something equally convenient. Then we could get this guy, save Fleur, and get back to the hotel to snuggle in bed.”

  Kisho grimaced. “Do you think the Council will let you loll around at the hotel after we do that?”

  “Fuck my life. No.” I stomped my foot, which made the floorboards shudder. “But the mayor might leave it a few days before he tells them. After all, that gives him more Nic time.”

  Kisho emptied books off one of the bookshelves. Dust and mildew filled the air. I was pretty sure those books hadn’t been moved in centuries.
No secret button behind there.

  “I’m worried about Nic,” he said. “This thing with the mayor, for all we joke about it, might destroy him. He’s never had a relationship before. He can act tough. but he’s a squishy little marshmallow underneath.”

  It was true. On the surface, you’d think Kisho was the squishy marshmallow. He was all snuggly and sweet. But when you scratched deeper, Kisho had a firm center. Not even in a dirty way, but in the way that the core of him was practical and full of common sense.

  Nic wasn’t like that. Nic wanted to be the tough guy, but he let his emotions control him. He’d proved that with Vlad. That little guy twisted Nic’s heart into knots and made him act crazy.

  “The mayor will never love Nic,” I said. “The mayor is twisted, but then, Nic can be twisted too. Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t stop Nic feeling what he feels. All we can do is be there to help him cope with the aftermath. Find anything over there?”

  “Nope. Nothing on this bookshelf. Nothing anywhere. And this alchemist needs easy access to the basement. He’s not going to be fiddling around with things.”

  “Maybe he uses some kind of alchemy symbols or something. Hoping to find some secret knob or lever to open a door is just wishful thinking. I guess the best thing to do is research some more. There’s nothing else for it.”

  I walked over to check the fireplace again. That seemed like the best place to look for some kind of secret door, although it’d be a bitch if you actually wanted to use it to heat the place.

  “Hey, Kisho, check out these things. There’s something strange about them.”

  “The fire dogs?”

  Was that what they were called? I guessed Kisho would know, him being really old and all. He bent down to have a look at them.

  “The right one has that knob thing on top, but the other has an indent,” I told him. “Wow, I’m totally like Nancy Drew. Clem Starr: Girl Detective.”

  “It’s not as catchy as Demon Fighter.”

  He was right about that.

  “Hey, Kisho, why did you take over fighting that slime monster the other day? I could’ve taken him. It would’ve been much easier to just knife him.”

  Kisho just shrugged.

  It worried me that my sex aura hadn’t worked on that monster. I hadn’t done much fighting since we’d finished off the Vampire King, so maybe the aura had disappeared forever. There’d been weird stuff going on at the time, like all that Vampire King energy in my body. But if I didn’t have that aura, what did I have? Maybe I wouldn’t be Clem Starr: Demon Fighter or even Clem Starr: Girl Detective. I’d be just regular old Clem Starr.

  But then, the Council had found some shit when they tested my DNA. I still hadn’t read those papers they’d given me, but they’d found something weird.

  Maybe being regular Clem Starr would be best. If the Council lost interest in me and I got to live a quiet life. Kisho and I could get married. Well, maybe. I wasn’t sure how that would work. I could get a normal job. We could have a home.

  Kisho poked and prodded at the indent on the fire dog. “It could mean something, but I can’t work out how to trigger it.”

  I squatted down beside him and prodded it too. All I got for my efforts was a dirty hand.

  “Maybe there’s something you need…” I looked around the room. “Something that slots in.”

  There was nothing, though. No conveniently placed candlestick on the mantelpiece or anything like that. Just a stupid intent, like a keyhole with no key.

  “It’s getting dark,” I said. “We might have to give up for today. The mayor wants me to do that stupid ghost tour again tonight.”

  “I could stay here and investigate,” Kisho said.

  “No, let’s just come back tomorrow.”

  I didn’t want to say anything, but this place really gave me the willies. So much so that the ghost tour looked comforting in comparison.

  Kisho stood up and stretched. I loved it when he did that, revealing a glimpse of his belly as his shirt rose up. I tried to stand up, but I stumbled. I didn’t want to end up flat on my back on this dusty floor, so I flung my hand out, trying to steady myself. There was nothing except the clang of something hitting those metal fire dogs. Luckily, Kisho grabbed me.

  Then we heard a creaking.

  I looked at Kisho, who still had his arm around me. Something had moved. Then I looked at my hand. The ring from the magic shop? The stone in it seemed to glow a little. Had we opened the secret chamber?

  Chapter 32 Necromance

  “THERE’S A DOOR IN THE back of the fireplace,” Kisho said. “Let’s go.”

  I looked at that door. That tiny little door in the back of the fireplace. You couldn’t even call it a door. More like an opening.

  “Maybe we should wait,” I said.

  “Wait for what?” he asked. “This is what we were looking for. Come on.”

  “Well, for starters, I have to get back for the ghost tour.”

  I didn’t want to say so, but I had a really bad feeling about this. I didn’t want to crawl into some dark hole that had been opened up by some weird magics. Normally, I had zero qualms about things. Fight a demon? Sure. Walk into a vampire bar and bust heads? No problem. But crawling into dark, dank passageways? Not so much.

  “You stay, then,” Kisho said. “I’m going.”

  I did not want Kisho crawling into that space alone, and I didn’t want to be separated from him. Why was he suddenly being difficult?

  “We can come back tomorrow with torches and shit,” I said. “We don’t need to do this right now.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “If the alchemist is out hunting ghost tours, this is the perfect time. We can investigate everything while he’s gone.”

  I hugged myself. I wanted to get out of here, and I wanted Kisho to go with me. Was that too much to ask?

  Before we could get into an argument about it, something crashed in the front room.

  I jumped. “Let’s go,” I hissed.

  Kisho nodded at the fireplace. We really should close that door up, but I wanted to run.

  Footsteps in the hallway seemed to get closer. Hell, there was no way out of here except for that hallway. I grabbed Kisho’s hand, and we squeezed ourselves into the narrow opening between the bookcase and the wall. It was a lousy hiding place, but at least we weren’t blatantly standing in the middle of the room.

  I pressed myself against Kisho. The footsteps paused at the door to the room. I inhaled. I didn’t want to make a single sound. But that sure wasn’t a vampire coming towards us, making noise like that.

  As they walked into the room, I craned my neck to get a look at them.

  The lank-haired dude from the magic shop.

  He glanced around, but not enough to see us. Then he gave a little gasp when he saw the fireplace. He took the backpack off his back, got down on his hands and knees, and peered in.

  Before I could stop him, Kisho rushed out of our hiding place and tackled the dude to the floor. It didn’t take much tackling. Kisho was not only buff as fuck, he was a vampire, and the magic shop dude was a weedy nerd.

  “What are you doing here?” Kisho asked. He pressed his arm against the dude’s throat.

  “I knew it. I knew that’s what you were doing.” The words were gasped out. Kisho really pressed hard.

  “Let him up,” I said. “It’s not like he can get away from us.”

  Kisho eased himself off the nerd and they both got up.

  “Thanks,” the nerd said, brushing the dust off his t-shirt. Then he sat down on an equally dusty chair. “Do you work for the Council?”

  “It’s complicated,” I replied.

  “But you don’t work for them, as in, ‘you’re going to take me in and torture me’ kind of work for them?”

  I snorted. “Of course not.”

  He visibly relaxed.

  “But that doesn’t mean we won’t torture you if you don’t answer our questions. Now, speak up, buddy. Why are you here?�
� I said. I didn’t want him to think we’d let him off easily.

  He rubbed his nose and looked at me for a moment. I couldn’t really see his eyes because that hair hung down over them, but I assumed he was looking at me.

  “When you came into the shop, I knew you were looking for the alchemist. It’s not a big deal. I get a lot of that. People want to find him, but he can’t be found unless he wants to be. That means nothing. But then, the ring. I wasn’t lying when I said it chose you. The ring is the key. The literal key.” He nodded at the fireplace.

  “So, the ring unlocks the door to his lair?”

  “Of course. Not the ring itself—the stone in the ring. There are only a few of those stones in existence, and one of them is in the ring. A few people have tried it on, but it’s never wanted them. I tried it, but it rejected me. It wanted you. It drew you to it, and then it wouldn’t come off. You’re meant to find the alchemist. He wants to see you.”

  “Hasn’t he ever heard of the phone?” Kisho asked. “Or maybe popping by our hotel?”

  “Alchemists are never that simple, I guess. A lot of people want him dead. He can’t be too careful.”

  “So, you knew we were looking for him, and you followed us?” I asked. “Do you know anything about that slime demon?”

  “I saw you fight him. That was cool. But, no, I know nothing about him.” The guy seemed to be telling the truth. “I didn’t need to follow you, anyway. Everyone knows who you are: the chick with the two vampires. You’ve had some trouble with the Council, and now you’re looking for the alchemist. That’s the word on the street. Right?”

  I nodded.

  “And now you’re working for the Council?” He seemed obsessed with that.

  “I told you, buddy. It’s complicated.”

  “Because they’ll fuck your shit up, you know that. Once you’ve found the alchemist for them, they’ll screw you over. Do not trust the Council. Don’t ever trust the Council.”

  I was with him there. Then my wrists buzzed. Since Fleur had done that thing, the buzzing wasn’t as bad. Not “throw you across the room” bad any more, just mild pain. But even mild pain was unnecessary pain, in my book.