Let Slip The Princesses of War

by David Schenck

  “It was odd, once they capture me, they were almost pleasant. They took me to your old tower and locked me in. It was almost a joke. I escaped in about 20 minutes. I mean, no offense Rae, but the tower really was designed to keep people out, not in. But, Mallory had hundreds of soldiers surrounding the tower, so I didn’t get far before they recaptured me. They beat me and broke my legs and put me back in the fucking tower. As soon as my legs healed, I escaped again. Well, this went on for a while. I’d escape, they’d recapture me, break something, I’d heal and the cycle would start over. It was fun it in its way, something to do at least. Anyway, one morning, I was going through my exercises, testing my shoulder, seeing if I was healthy enough to escape again, when suddenly I couldn’t move. Not an eyelash! Then, just like she was out for a morning stroll, Malloy herself walks in the tower window! She starts on some long boring speech about how I’m causing her problems and how expensive it is to keep replacing the guards and how she hates, hates to have to handle these kinds of things personally, and so on. Then she tells me she’s been thinking on the problem and she wanted to come up with something especially humiliating for me, so, she’s going to transform me, but not one of those cool transformations into a swan or a bear or something. She tells me how I was such a bitch that she thought about transforming me into a dog, but finally decided on something worse. She tells me how I am a disgrace to the name of princess, with my armor and my fighting. How a true princess should be dainty and all that, you know what I’m talking about Pea. So, she tells me how she’s decided to transform me into a doll! So that I can finally provide a good example for a little girl. Then, well, you all know that it’s a rule that every transformation has a key, a way it can be broken, and it can be anything, a kiss from a prince, seven years of silence, whatever. So, just ‘cause she can’t stop thinking how I would make a good dog, she decided the key is I need to get peed on by a dog! And she’s laughing and laughing how funny that would be and how no dog is ever going to climb the tower and how I’ll be a doll forever and ever and she’s laughing and laughing and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in the mud, soaked in dog pee! So, I guess the joke is on her!!”

  Once Beauty finished her story, Cinderella asked her, “Do you have any idea how they knew you would investigate?” I could see what she was fishing at.

  Beauty shrugged, “I guess it’s just common sense, set up a sleeping spell and see who comes, got to be me or Snow and either way they’re going to be happy.”

  Cindy wasn’t satisfied. “Do you have any sense that maybe someone from our side, someone from inside the palace maybe, tipped them off?”

  Beauty shook her head, “Traitors can be anywhere, but I doubt it. Snow runs a pretty tight ship and I doubt she’s letting sensitive information slip out.”

  Cindy can’t let it go. “What about if Ms. White wanted the information out? What about if she saw, let’s say, strategic value, in letting it out?”

  Beauty was almost angry now, “No! I know what you and your bunch of cackling hens, want to think. It’s true, Snow and I had our differences, sometimes loud differences, but we’re talking policy differences. Snow White may not be the best commander. She may not have the best military mind, but she’s 100% against Mallory and I trust her 100%. Hell, I assume she sent you to rescue me, so that should put to rest any idea that she set me up.”

  Cinderella starts again, but I cut her off. “Beauty, Ms. White did send us to rescue you. But, she had ulterior motives. She wants you to join our quest.” Beauty started to say something, but I cut her off too. “But I need you to say, right now, without knowing anything about it, that you refuse to join us.”

  “How can I refuse to join you, if I don’t know anything about it?”

  “I’m asking you as a favor, as a personal favor, to just say ‘Without knowing anything about it, I refuse to join your quest.’, and I’ll remind you that you now owe me two favors.”

  “Two favors!” She almost shouted “No! There was that time in, well, we don’t need to go into the details, but it’s just one.”

  I shook my head. “Nope, it’s two. That was my dog who pissed you back to human. So, just say it. You can reserve the right to change your mind later, if additional facts come to light or something.”

  “Additional facts, I don’t have ANY facts!”

  “Just say the fucking words!” Sweet Pea waded into the conversation.

  “Alright! Fine!” Beauty crossed her arms. “I, Beauty, refuse to join your stupid fucking quest. I wouldn’t join your quest even if you asked me nice. There! Are you all fucking happy!?”

  And we were all fucking happy. I asked Pea to bring me the letter from my coat pocket. “Ok, Beauty, I want you to read this and maybe this will change your mind.”

  “You’re a bunch of gad damned lunatics. You don’t have to change my mind, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about!”

  I handed Beauty Ms. White’s letter with its golden coupon and we all watched as she read it.

  “Ok. Got it. Now can I join your quest? Pretty please?”

  “No.” I shook my head, “Not until you hear all the details.” I swear, she would have beaten the crap out of me, except I already looked pretty crapless.

  By the time we got out of the tub the tent had added another bed and another chair at the magic table. And so we were five.

  Cinderella helped Beauty pick out some armor from the pavilion’s stores (they eventually settled on some silken scale armor that wore more like clothing than armor). I doubted it was tough enough to stop a direct strike, but Beauty’s style has always been to avoid getting hit in the first place. Meanwhile, I was practically bouncing from excitement. Now that we had Beauty, I was more eager than ever to get on the road. Go to Beauty’s castle, rescue the mystery prince, find the Magic Mirror, escape, use the Magic Mirror to defeat Mallory, win back Flynn! I pretty much had my life planned out.

  While they waited for me to heal, Beauty began training classes with everyone. She was a marvel to watch. Fast, fluid, precise. And she was a hell of a teacher. She helped Pea shave a fraction of a second off her aiming, taught Cinderella a new technique to break a clench, guided Emily through a host of different ways to handle her blade, she even trained with Ben. It was the damnedest thing. She’d get down on all fours and they’d wrestle or she’d show him how best to angle his head for maximum biting power or whatever.

  One day she came over and sat down on my bed. “Got to get you out of the bed. You’ll heal better on the training field.”

  “You’re right. I know. I just can’t seem to find the strength. Maybe a few more days and we can train a bit. I see you working with the girls. I’d like to get you to look at my technique too.”

  “Don’t forget Ben! He’s no girl. I’m sure there is nothing I can teach you. But we can train together anytime you feel up to it. I’d like to get a look at your technique. You know, I use a whip sometimes.”

  “I know. I saw you use a whip back in the ‘78 campaign. You were incredible!” I was gushing like a school-girl.

  She shrugged, as if to say ‘Incredible is just what I do’.

  She turned and walked away. I closed my eyes and let the sun shine down on me.

  I almost felt it, before I heard it. A sword being drawn, whisper quiet.

  I barely twisted off the bed before the blade bit the cushion.

  “Fuck Beauty! What the fuck are you doing?!”

  “I’m getting you off the gad damned day bed!”

  She struck at me again and I had to jump back. I didn’t think she would really hurt me, but I know Beauty well enough to know that if I didn’t move she would make me regret it.

  I pulled my whip and lashed at her. She batted it away with her sword. Like it was nothing.

  “What’s the story with the dog?” She yelled.

  I dodged another thrust and countered by lashing at her feet. I almost had her, but she danced away. “Not much of a story, I saved him from a gnome
or something who was going to drown him. And now he’s, more or less, mine. You know, master and dog. I love him and he loves me. Just a girl and her dog traveling the land and righting wrongs. Why?”

  She shrugged again. “No reason really. He’s some dog, alright. Hell of a fighter. Cindy tells me he’s saved your asses more than once. Saved me too, if you think about it. Something odd about that though. Emily says he just ran up to her and grabbed me, well the doll that was me, and just dropped me, well you know, on the ground and just, sort of, pissed on me. I’ve watched him. He’s not a random pisser. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s got a special pattern when he pisses.” She threw her blade at me and I had to dive to avoid it.

  I lashed at her, finally connecting, a glancing blow, but I saw blood on her shoulder. It didn’t seem to slow her any. “I can’t say that I have noticed how he pisses. As long as Cindy isn’t nagging me that he’s pissing in the tent, I’m pretty satisfied.”

  “Watch him. He’s careful to always wander off into the forest, never in the same direction twice. As if he doesn’t want anybody to be able to track him, us, from his piss.” She’d replaced the sword with a gun and she fired directly at my head. My whip fanned out and blocked the bullet and tossed it back at her.

  “That is weird. What’s it mean? He’s a smart dog. Anyway, it was your luck day when he decided to piss close to home!”

  She dodged the bullet, and took a shot at my feet, too fast for me to block, I pranced away just in time. Lost a piece of my boot. “I don’t know. Probably nothing. Maybe he’s had some bad experiences, taught him to be careful. Also, he’s always watching your ass.”

  I caught her around the wrist and began to pull her close. My whip tightened until she dropped the gun. “I’m his master. Good dogs always watch their masters.”

  “No your ASS! It’s like an obsession!” My whip wrapped around her throat and began to tighten.

  “Fuck Beauty, not this again!” Suddenly she jumped at me. I don’t know where it came from but she had a knife at my throat.

  “It’s probably nothing, just something’s weird with your dog.” She croaked through her closing windpipe. “What happens if I cut your throat? Does the whip keep squeezing?”

  “Hell Beauty! I don’t know. It’s never happened before and I doubt I’d know even if it had happened, what with my being dead and all.”

  She dropped the knife and I relaxed my whip. “Anyway. Looks like you’re good enough to travel.”

  “Fuck you Beauty!” Like I fucking needed her and her fucking warrior psychology tricks to help me. “Looks like I am. We’ll head out tomorrow.”

  She nodded. “Let’s take a few more days. You could use the training.”

  “No! I’ve wasted enough time. We leave tomorrow!”

  Beauty bowed low, “As you wish. You’re the ringleader of this little circus, after all.” She said with a smile.

  CHAPTER 13

  Sweet Pea whistled “That’s one big fucking wall of thorns!”

  “I assure you that is a standard wall of thorns.” Beauty, of course, was our wall of thorns expert.

  Well at any rate, the wall of thorns was taller than I expected, maybe 100 feet high. Maybe more. And thick. At least thick enough that you couldn’t see through it, and could imagine that it went on forever, a solid mass of thorns, rather than a wall.

  We began hacking away at the thorns but couldn’t make a dent. For every piece we cut away two more grew in its place, just making the wall all the thicker.

  “So,” I asked Beauty, “How do we get through it?”

  “Well,” She replied, “Fire is traditional.”

  “Did I hear my name? Stand back kiddies.” Cinderella drew her flaming sword and thrust it as deep as she could into the thorns. They instantly burst into flames.

  “OK, flaming thorns! Now what?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure, I’ve never been on this side of the process. But I’d guess we wait for them to burn down and then I can just walk in. That’s what my prince did when I was sleeping inside.”

  “So, I guess we’re waiting.” I said.

  “I guess we are.” Beauty answered.

  “Let’s wait over there, in the tent. Shall we lets?”

  “Do let’s”

  So, we waited. When we came out to check the progress of our fire some hours later it was a wall of flame a hundred feet high and stretching to the horizon on both sides. But any sense that the thorns were turning to ash was distinctly absent.

  “That’s not going to go unnoticed.” Said Pea, looking at the pillar of smoke that reached into the heavens.

  “Fire-proof thorns.” Beauty warmed her hands by the cracking inferno. “You’ve got to give credit where credit is due. Mallory really learns from past mistakes.”

  “But how do we get through?” I asked.

  “Let me check something.” Cinderella led us back into the tent. She dug into the armory, tossing weapons aside looking for something. “It must be here somewhere!” She pulled a mouse out from under her gown and tapped him and he grew into a bald man with round glasses. “Rolf, please check the cellars. I’m looking for an unusual type of sword. It’s got a fat handle, much larger than a regular sword’s handle and it’s orange or maybe yellow and the blade is short and wide and has some kind of sharp nubs on the edge. I think it’s called a kat-tin. Or Kat-rin.”

  The little man-mouse looked confused for a moment then, “Perhaps a Katrina?” He asked.

  “Yes! A Katrina! Can you find it?”

  He bowed, “Of course Princess. Let me look.” He moved aside one of the rugs and lifted a hatch – just like the bolt-hole hatch but different, and disappeared below. Immediately sounds of crashing and breaking and muffled explosions issued from the hatch. Smoke began to billow out and then the little man climbed out and closed the hatch (which immediately faded away) and presented his prize to Cinderella.

  It was the weirdest sword I’d ever seen. Just like Cinderella had described it. It didn’t even have a point but was just rounded and blunt. Cindy took it and tapped the man and he scurried back under her gown in mouse form. “Ok,” She said, turning the weird sword over and examining it. “Let me see if I remember how to use this.”

  “What’s to remember?” Asked Beauty making a grab for the Katrina as Cinderella danced away. “It’s a sword, right? I think we know how to use a sword.”

  “No, it’s got a special operating procedure. I think you push this.” She pushed a little button-like thing. “And you twist this.” She twisted something. “And then you hold it like this.” She rested the weirdly big hilt against her hip holding it with one hand. “Then you pull this!” And she quickly pulled a small handle that was attached to some rope or something. Suddenly the sword made a roar and a puff of smoke issued from the hilt! The sound was so loud that I couldn’t hear anybody, even though everybody was suddenly talking. Cindy winked and took the Katrina sword over to the magic table and, with a swipe and a whining roar, neatly chopped off a corner. “I think this might do it!” Then she twisted something or pushed something and it fell silent.

  “That thing stinks!” Said Emily, waving a hand under her nose. And it did stink. However, it looked like it might be strong enough magic to break through the wall of thorns, so we would just have to put up with the stink.

  Packing up, we rode to a part of the wall away from the flames and Cinderella took out her Katrina sword.

  “Remember, don’t go past the thorns. One step into the other side and you’ll be caught in the spell.” Beauty gave Cinderella her warning.

  Cindy worked her magic on the sword and it awoke with a roar. She stepped up to the wall of thorns and thrust the sword inside. As she chopped and hacked, thorns flew in all directions, but none grew back! Soon she had a princess sized depression cut into the thorns and a half hour later she crawled back, scratched and bleeding, through the tunnel she had cut to announce that she had broken through! Did I mention that I would li
ke a fairy godmother? If any fairies are out there looking for a goddaughter, I’m available. I’m fully housebroken and I almost never bark at strangers!

  “Ok,” Beauty said to me. “Rae, you come with me.”

  “What? Ms. White said only you could enter the sleeping spell. I like a good nap, but 100 years is longer than I had planned.”

  “Well,” Beauty put her hands on her hips, “Ms. White, don’t know everything then. You can come with me as long as we’re in direct contact. I’m willing to bet if you tied your whip around both our waists, you’d be fine.”

  I looked at her to see if she was joking. “You’re willing to bet?! What happens if you’re wrong?”

  Beauty shrugged. “I’ll give you a kiss. Maybe I’m your one true love. Who knows? Trust me Rae. I know sleeping spells. This’ll work.”

  “Well, since you said ‘trust me’ what choice do I have?” So, I tied my whip around my waist and the other end around Beauty’s waist and fitted myself out with a sword and a gun (although I’m pretty much a one-trick-pony and I doubted they would do any good) and I followed Beauty into the tunnel.

  There’s a reason why professional tunnel makers don’t generally use thorns as their material of choice. We were both bleeding from a thousand small cuts when we finally emerged from the tunnel.

  The scene on the other side of the thorns was just like what you might have read in a story. A castle completely asleep. There were people, and even some of Mallory’s monsters, all asleep right where they must have been at the exact moment she cast the spell.