Let Slip The Princesses of War

by David Schenck

  “Come on. The entrance is this way.”

  Of course Beauty knew the way. This had been her home. She’d grown up here as a child, and then slept here and then awaken here and finally lived here with her Prince until Mallory’s army came marching in. I wondered what it was like for her. Did she feel the same things I’d felt as I’d passed through my old home? If she did, she didn’t betray it with either look or action. Not a second of hesitation, no moment of unbearable nostalgia, not an instant of regret. She just strode forward and I, having no choice, followed.

  “I told you the whip would work. Snow needs to get out in the field more. She’s all theory and no experience. I think it’s what makes her so timid. Militarily. Personally, I don’t find her timid at all.”

  “Uh huh.” I nodded.

  “Look Rae, let me just put this on the line. When we get back.”

  “If we get back.” I interrupted.

  “Ok, if we get back, but we’re going to get back. Anyway, if we get back, I’m going to challenge Snow. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t think she’s right to lead.”

  “Can we focus on the mission and talk about this later?”

  “I am focused on the mission. The mission is going great. Now, we’re just two old soldiers on a mission, killing some time and talking before we get to the exciting part. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. And I want to know that, if I win,” She smiled at me, as if to say ‘and what other outcome could there be’, “If I win, I want to know that I’ll have your support.”

  “Look Beauty, it’s like you said. I’m just a soldier. You challenge Ms. White and I’ll support the winner. I don’t play politics. Pea neither. We just do our job as best we can.”

  “See? That’s what I need. That’s why the others respect you. That’s why if you make it clear that you support me, the others will fall in line. We can’t be fighting each other if we’re going to fight Mallory.”

  “Well,” I told her, “I don’t know how much the others respect me or anything. I don’t really have much contact with anybody except Pea, but I’ll make you a deal. You challenge Ms. White and you agree to abide by the outcome, that means if she wins, you support her 100%, until the end, and if you win, I’ll do the same, I’ll go on a gad damned Beauty for queen campaign.”

  She smiled, “That’s all I ask.” And she spit on her hand and held it out to me to seal the deal.

  I looked at her hand “You don’t really expect me to shake your hand, now that you’ve spit on it and all, do you?”

  “Yeah, I don’t know why they do that. Sorry.” She wiped her palm on her chest. “Your word is good enough for me. No slimy handshake needed. And look! Here we are at the entrance! You ready for the exciting part?”

  I nodded. The castle gates were open. We walked up to the entrance, troll guards asleep at their posts flanked us on either side. I thought it was odd that she had enchanted her own people, but it made a kind of sick sense. Her guards would awaken when the spell was broken and they would be one more obstacle for us on the way out. All you had to do was not care if your people slept for a hundred years while their friends and families lived and died (assuming trolls had friends and families –I’m no expert on their social organization). Except, Beauty casually took off their heads as we walked past.

  “Damn Beauty!”

  “What? If we leave them here they’ll just wake up and we’ll have to kill them on the way out. This way is much easier.”

  She was right of course. It was funny (as in strange) how the blood just slowly seeped out of their necks, rather than the usual cascading spurts you get when you lop off a head. I wonder if they take longer to die.

  Beauty led me into the castle. “Let’s check the tower. I was in the tower, you were in the tower. The action is always in the tower. Why do you think that is?”

  I shrugged, “Probably something phallic. Princes and their towers. Kings and their towers. Men and their dicks. That kind of thing.”

  “Probably. Anyway, this way to the tower.”

  We climbed the stairs to the tower. Beauty’s tower was pretty much the same as my tower. Lots of stairs, small round room at the top, a couple of windows. I guess there isn’t a lot of architectural innovation in the tower market.

  The room, however, was empty.

  “This isn’t right!” shouted Beauty.

  “Don’t get upset, so he’s not in the tower, we’ll look elsewhere.”

  But she was already in motion.

  “Look at this! The bed doesn’t go here! The bed has to be against the window! It’s all changed! All wrong!”

  I guess she was pretty attached to her old room. It was actually kind of surprising. I’d never seen her act so, I don’t know, human. I could feel the smile stretching my face as I watched the most dangerous fighter in the eleven kingdoms, basically, clean her room.

  She pulled the bed away from the inner wall and pushed it against the outer wall, under the window. She moved a pair of chairs in front of the small fire grate. She rearranged pillows, tied back the curtains and generally put things to her liking (including a careful arrangement of a veritable army of very unwarrior-like dolls).

  When she was done, she looked at the room with satisfaction. “Now, that’s better. Just because no one is living here right now, isn’t any reason to let things slide. Anyway, there’s no mystery prince here. Do you want to check the dungeons?”

  I nodded absently. “What’s that?”

  “What’s what?” She asked.

  I pointed where the bed had been, at a tiny door, no more than 3 inches high and 2 inches wide.

  “I don’t know. It wasn’t there when I lived here.”

  We bent down to get a better look. It was a charming little door, painted yellow with red trim with a tiny silver knob.

  Beauty looked at me. “I told you the action was always in the tower.”

  She took my hand in hers and reached out for the little knob. Instantly we found ourselves at the threshold of the little door, ourselves tiny. A man sat at a table rapidly shuffling a deck of cards from hand to hand. “Stop!” he held up a hand in the universal stop signal. “Who would enter the hallway of death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Er, of the threshold. I mean you can see it now, but you can’t cross it.” He stood up, still shuffling the cards.

  Beauty stepped forward. “Ask me your questions. I’m not afraid.”

  The man made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It’s really a card game.”

  Beauty pulled her sword “I don’t have a lot of patience with jokey fuckers.” And she cut him clear through. At least the sword passed clear through him, but it didn’t seem to cut him at all. He just smiled.

  She grabbed his arm and her hand passed clear through him.

  “Seems kind of insubstantial.” She commented. “Let’s just walk through him.”

  I nodded my agreement and we walked forward only to find that as soon as we crossed the threshold we were right back in the same spot, looking at the smiling man.

  He shuffled the cards and waved his hand. A chair appeared on our side of the table and he gestured. “Please take a seat and we can get started.” His stomach gurgled loudly and he clapped a hand over it and looked embarrassed. “Sorry, I haven’t eaten lately. Ok, here’s the deal. My name is Dayton Mako, I’m a gambler. We play one game of cards. You win you can pass over, you lose, I eat you. Simple really. Or, I suppose, you can turn around and go home. Your call. So, what’s it going to be?” He smiled broadly.

  Beauty hesitated, killing things is her forte. Once killing isn’t required she’s a bit out of her element. That’s not a criticism, it’s just an observation. I moved to sit in the chair, but she stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. “Are you really going to play cards with a man named after both a city and a shark?”

  I shrugged. “It’s that or go home. Besides, I got this.” I sat in the chair. I reached for the d
eck of cards. Dayton Mako moved to stop me but simply smiled and moved his hand to indicate I could shuffle.

  “Dealers choice?” I asked.

  He looked uncertain for a moment, “Sure, why not?”

  “You don’t seem to have the procedures set in stone.” I’m just making small talk.

  “Well to be honest, you’re the first players I’ve had, so I’m making it up as I go along.”

  I motioned to Beauty. “Blow on the deck for good luck.” I’ll admit it, as Beauty leaned forward to blow on the deck, I moved my hand down so she had to bend lower. It was a silly little trick.

  “Ok,” I slapped the deck on the table. “Simple cut for high card.”

  Mako smiled, but his eyes were all on Beauty. “Wouldn’t you rather play something requiring more skill? Draw out your last moments of life?”

  “Just cut.” I snapped.

  His smile faded, he moved his hand so quickly that his wrist made a sharp sound and held up his card. Queen of Moss. “How apt.” His smile returned.

  I reached out carefully and cut the remaining cards, then without looking, held my card to show him. His face fell. “What!” he sputtered. “That’s not possible!”

  I let my card drop. King of Glass.

  “Come on Beauty, let’s go.”

  “Wait!” He wailed. “Best two out of three? You win and I’ll throw in this magic lantern. Barely used. Come on! Waddaya say?”

  I took Beauty’s hand and we stepped forward over the threshold. “Sorry. I’m not much of a gambler.”

  We found ourselves in a long hallway. Mako was nowhere to be seen. The hallway stretched to the horizon and was lined with uncountable doors.

  “That was pretty impressive.” Said Beauty. “How’d you do it?”

  I looked at her. “A gambler never tells. Nah, I’m just fucking with you.” Her hand moved to her sword, apparently she hates jokey fuckers. So, I continued, “After my King was killed, I was kind of lost. My court jester tried everything to cheer me up. Only card tricks worked. Eventually he taught me everything he knew. The secret is all in misdirection. While ol’ sharky back there was looking down your armor, I fixed the deck.”

  She clapped her hand to her chest. “I feel so used!”

  “That’s because I used you. Now…,”

  “Wait a minute!” Beauty interrupted. “Did you have an affair? With your court jester?!”

  “Of course not!” I said shocked by her insinuation. “I am a Queen! I would never have an affair with a jester! Besides, I was a widow. It would be more like an assignation, or an event, or an occurrence, not an affair. Now,” I gestured at the many many doors, “where shall we begin?”

  “It sounds like an affair to me.” Beauty reached out for the closest knob. “I’m guessing we start at door number one.” And she pulled it open.

  Normally when you open a door in an interior hallway, you expect a room. Expectation: broken. The door opened into the great outdoors, but like no great outdoors I’ve ever seen. Through the doorway we saw giant flowers (or maybe we were still small?) and giant butterflies with multicolored mirrored wings. The sky was greenish and distant storm clouds flashed silent lightning. Hand in hand we walked in. We walked a few steps and turned to see the door, still open, set into the open air.

  “Mystery Prince!” Beauty shouted with her hands cupped around her mouth. The sound faded and there was no response.

  “What should we do?” I asked her. “I mean, who knows how far this goes. Maybe it’s a whole world. We could spend days or weeks or, maybe, forever looking.”

  “And this is just the first door.” She reminded me.

  “Ok, let’s check a few more doors and see if we can come up with a search plan.”

  She agreed and we headed back into the hallway.

  The next door revealed a wall of water, held in place by some unknown force. On the inside there were dozens of jeweled seahorses. I easily pushed my hand through the barrier and pulled it back wet. We decided not to go in.

  One door held a frozen wasteland, another an erupting volcano, one a city teeming with people who spoke no language we knew, none held a sleeping mystery prince.

  As we opened more doors, Beauty became angrier and angrier. “What’s the matter Beauty?”

  “I don’t get! All this trouble for the Mystery Prince? Why?! I mean, I was just sleeping in the fucking tower. You were just in the fucking tower, not even asleep! Why did she go through all this trouble for the Mystery Prince?”

  I gave her a puzzled look. “Let me get this straight. You’re jealous that Mallory didn’t make it harder for you to be rescued? Would you rather that your prince was battling giant butterflies while you’re still asleep guarded by those pretty seahorses?”

  “I would.” She said softly. “At least he’d still be alive.”

  And there it was again. That dammed humanity. It was easy to think of Beauty as a fighting, killing automaton, and easy to forget that she’s had her share of loss. Just like all of us. I put my hand on her shoulder. “I know.”

  She shrugged me off. Human moment gone. “What should we do? Every door seems to lead to a fully formed world, we can’t search them all.”

  But, since we had no better plan, search them all was what we decided to do. Hours later, we had opened hundreds of doors, and the end of the hallway was nowhere in sight. We sat in the middle of the hallway. Exhausted. Frustrated. We ate some hard cheese. And drank a little water. After a few minutes, I got up, brushed the cheese crumbs off my clothes and reached for the next door.

  “Wait!” Beauty shouted.

  I waited. But nothing happened. She didn’t say anything or do anything. She was just staring at the floor.

  “Look.” She said finally, pointing at the floor where some of my cheese crumbs lay scattered.

  “I’m looking. Oh the cheese crumbs. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make a mess in your palace. I wasn’t thinking.” I felt like a rude guest.

  “No, look closer.”

  I looked closer and saw an ant carrying away a good sized crumb. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I know that spilled food attracts ants. I’ll clean it up.” I dug into my pack for a rag or something and moved my foot to kill the ant, but Beauty’s hand shot out and grabbed my ankle.

  Then she knelt down and put her face almost to the floor where the ant was. After a moment, she sat back and put out her hand and let the ant climb up onto her finger. She held the ant in front of her face and spoke “I, Princess Beauty of the Royal House of Schenckwitz-Roseite send greetings to Queen Petunia of the Royal House of Hymenoptera and petition Her Highness to attend me here in, er, this hallway, in person, oh in ant, um face to face or by means of an ambassador or envoy.”

  Then she put her hand on the ground and let the ant off. The ant dropped its crumb and hurried away.

  “What the fuck was that?” I asked.

  “That.” She replied, “Just may be the solution to this nightmare.”

  “Um, I don’t think so. It was just an ant.”

  “Well Rae, as Cinderella likes to say, everybody’s got something. Well, I’ve got this sleeping spell resistance and I’m friends with an ant queen.”

  “Well, bully for you! How the fuck’s that going to help? Is she coming for tea?”

  “Wait and see.” She smiled at me.

  I sat back down. “Ok, I’ll wait and see, but only because the thought of opening another door makes me want to vomit!”

  We waited a long time and I got so bored that I opened a few more doors without any luck, finally Beauty pointed down the hallway and in the dim light I could see a flood of ants. The army is so vast that they stretch as far as I can see into the distance. At the head of the army, carried by a squad of fierce warrior ants, was a miniature golden throne and on it sat the Ant Queen.

  The soldiers placed the throne, and the Queen, directly in front of Beauty, who knelt down to better see the Queen. The Ant Queen stood and addressed Beauty. “Greetings Princess Beauty. We c
ome to fulfil the terms of our ancient debt. We have kept faith, even in your absence we harass your enemies. We place our army at your disposal.”

  Beauty bowed her head. “Greetings oh Queen, you have my thanks for your faithfulness. My companion Queen Rapunzel and I have great need of your assistance.” She indicted me.

  “Excuse me.” I broke in (never being one for protocol and such), “But why aren’t you asleep, like the rest of the castle?”

  The Ant Queen looked at me as if she had never encountered such rudeness. “We are ants.” She told me, as if that explained everything. I guess she saw my continued confusion so she added, “We don’t sleep. Always working, the Ant and the grasshopper. Have you never observed an Ant? Do you know nothing of our kind?”

  I nodded and she turned back to Beauty. “How can we aid you Princess.”

  “Oh Great Queen, we seek a man in one of the worlds behind these doors, we know not which. Can your scouts help us in our search?”

  The Queen nodded “Certainly Princess. Our army is yours to command. How will we know this man?”

  “We know him not, oh Queen. Only that he is a man and he will not belong where you find him. More than that we cannot say.”

  The Queen beckoned one of her attendants and conversed with him for several moments then turned back to Beauty. “Our scouts will scour the worlds behind the doors. If your man is there, we will find him. Whether they will recognize him from your description remains to be seen.” She motioned to her attendants, “Come, and take refreshment with us while we wait.” And the Queen’s attendants produced a tiny table and proceeded to lay it out with tiny trays of sandwiches and pies and tiny flagons of wine. And so we became, perhaps, the first humans to eat from an ant picnic.

  “What is this Ancient Debt?” I asked Beauty when we had a moment alone.

  “Oh, nothing really. Just before my big sleep, I was playing in the gardens and I saw a gardener about to dig up an ant hill and I stopped him. I didn’t want him to kill the ants and then I gave them the rest of a muffin I had. The Ant Queen, herself, came out and swore to repay my kindness, and blah blah, we’ve got an ant army!”

  As we waited, Beauty and the Queen played several games of chess. The Ant Queen was a master and her frequent shouts of “Jacque Mate!” echoed in the narrow hallway. Beauty turned out to be a surprisingly good loser and eager student. Although it surprised me, in retrospect, it makes sense. She didn’t become a master warrior by quitting easily and refusing to learn from others.