Let Slip The Princesses of War

by David Schenck

  I must have dozed a little, because Beauty woke me with the news that several of the ant scouts had returned with suspicious doorways. As I worked the cricks out of my neck, we searched for the first door. We walked past dozens of doors, until we came to one that was marked by a circle of slowly rotating ants.

  We opened the door and saw only the sands of an endless desert. We followed our ant guides and they led us to the man who didn’t belong. But it was the wrong man. I can see why they were confused, I mean they were ants and he was kind of a man, but it was just a giant statue, broken and half buried in the sand, with an inscription that simply read ‘Shelley’.

  We opened several more doors that the ants picked out, without success, before we finally lay down on the floor of the hallway to sleep. But, of course, the ants didn’t sleep and when we woke up they had more doors for us to check.

  We were on the 18th or 19th door when we found him. It was an odd world, with things just floating in the air, not like clouds and birds and stuff, but odd things like tables and cows. I was afraid that we would float away, but for whatever reason, we stayed on the ground just like always. The ants led us a little ways into the world and there he was, sitting on a chair, upside down, floating in the air and smoking a pipe. It was clear from the moment we saw him that we had our man, and Beauty and I shared a moment of surprise and, well, disappointment. This was no prince! This was a dwarf!

  He looked down (although, because he was upside down, he had to move his head up, away from his chest) at us and blew a stream of smoke which drifted downward and settled in a hazy layer about 5 feet over our heads. “She sent you, I’m guesssin’. Snow White?”

  “That’s right.” I told him. “She sent us to rescue you.”

  “Rescue me from what?” He asked. “A long life and quiet retirement? No thank you.”

  “Snow White sent us to rescue you, and we’re going to rescue you.” Beauty isn’t the type to let someone’s unwillingness to be rescued stand in the way of a good rescue. She started to untie my whip from her waist.

  “Stop! The sleeping spell will get me!”

  She didn’t stop untying. “I don’t think it’s effective here. The dwarf isn’t sleeping and people we saw in the other worlds weren’t sleeping.”

  The next thing I knew, I was flat on my back and Beauty’s face was next to mine. “Apparently, I am your true love. Although I had to use a little tongue. So maybe it’s just sex with us. Anyway, welcome to the club. Now you should be immune too.”

  She helped me to my feet. I shouted up at the dwarf, “Hey, why aren’t you asleep?”

  “Well, I’m a dwarf.” He told me, as if that explained everything. I guess he saw my continued confusion so he added, “We don’t sleep. Always working. We live in the mines, where it’s always dark, so we never know when to sleep.”

  I turned to Beauty, “Nobody fucking sleeps!”

  She nodded. “Just get him down and if he gives us any trouble about being rescued, I’ll make him sleep.”

  I untied my whip and lashed out at him, tangling under his arms and gave a tug. He was heavier than I expected even with my whip, so I tugged harder and he lifted slowly from the chair. Struggling and complaining all the time. I pulled and pulled and then suddenly as his head breached the line of smoke he dropped like, well like a dwarf, to land at our feet.

  He picked himself up and dusted off his clothes. “Gad damned, Snow White and her princess club! I was happy in my chair! Nobody was going to kill me in my chair! I had food and wine and smoke in my chair! Now, you’re going to get me killed, just like my brothers!”

  He started to run, maybe he hoped to lose us somehow. Anyway, that didn’t happen. His dwarf legs were no match for Beauty. She caught him in a matter of seconds and dragged him struggling back.

  “Listen here Pain-in-the-assy. We’ve come a long way to rescue you and you’re going to be rescued.”

  “I won’t!” he shouted.

  Beauty looked at me and shrugged, in a fluid motion she tied his hands behind his back, slapped a black hood over his head and threw him over her shoulder. “Shall we lets?”

  “Do let’s.” I replied. “Where’d you get the hood?”

  She laughed, like I was a particularly stupid child asking particularly stupid questions. “It’s just part of my standard ‘reluctant rescuee’ kit. I never leave home without it. It’s got a mouth bit inside so you don’t have to listen to a lot of complaining. I can get you one if you like.”

  “Nah, I’m good. I don’t actually have much need for a reluctant rescuee kit.”

  She looked at me and nodded, “You just kill em, huh? I could learn a thing or two from you. Still, orders are to bring this one back kicking. Shame though.” She gave the struggling dwarf an elbow to the head and he quieted down.

  We passed back through the door and along the endless hallway (which seemed much shorter on the way back). We stopped to thank the Ant Queen, who, in return for a hunk of bread, pledged eternal fealty to Beauty. Dayton Mako threatened to kill us for cheating. He said that he was sure, although he didn’t know how. But Beauty gave him a kiss (somehow he was substantial enough for that) and he let us pass. The dwarf woke up and started kicking when we were halfway down the tower stairs, but Beauty knocked his head, accidentally, against the stone wall and he quieted down. We passed the headless troll guards, still slowly oozing blood, and out into the castle grounds. We walked around the castle to the tunnel of thorns and found… Nothing. The thorns had regrown!

  “How can they have let the thorns regrow?” I kind of wailed in frustration. Just to be clear. I didn’t actually wail. I’m a queen and a soldier and we don’t wail, not in frustration, or otherwise. But if you didn’t know better, you might have thought it was a wail.

  “I assume that they were attacked by Jinjur. The smoke from the fire must have been visible for dozens of miles. Either they are inside the tent…”

  “It’s really more of a pavilion, don’t you think?” I interrupted.

  “Fine, yes, pavilion. Anyway, either they are trapped inside the tent, had to flee, or they’re dead.” She finished.

  “You’re a fucking ball of optimism. Aren’t ya?”

  “I’m simply evaluating the situation. The question for us now, is: if we can’t expect help from outside, how do we get through the thorns?”

  “Well,” I thought for a moment, “one possibility you didn’t mention is that they are just safe and sound in the tent, eating and drinking and hanging out in the bath. You know how they are.” She nodded. “So, let’s try to get their attention first.”

  “How do we get their attention?” Beauty asked. “Should we scream? I doubt they can hear us inside the tent and through the thorns. They probably have those damn musicians playing too.”

  “I’ve got an idea.” I took my sword and began digging in the hard dirt near the base of the castle wall. When I had a good size pile of rocks and dirt, I fanned out the tip of my whip to form a scoop and placed the pile in the scoop, then I whirled my whip over my head, pushed it to its maximum extension and tossed the debris over the thorn wall in the direction of the tent. I repeated the process several times, until Beauty complained that I was undermining the stability of the wall, which was complete bullshit.

  We sat down to wait, Beauty using the dwarf as a cushion. We waited, listening for the distinctive sound of the Katrina which, as I remembered, was certainly loud enough to penetrate the wall of thorns.

  “Maybe they moved the tent? Should I try again in a different location?” I asked Beauty.

  “Stop it!”

  “What?”

  “Oh, sorry, not you.” She said. “The dwarf is squirming and I can’t get comfortable.” I’m pretty sure she was about to hit him again when I had an idea.

  “Wait! Don’t hit him!” I jumped up.

  “Why not?” She asked indignant.

  “I’ve got an idea. What do dwarves do?”

  “You mean besides annoy me?
” She asked as she got to her feet.

  “Yes, Beauty, besides annoy you!”

  “Well, they work in the mines. I mean, at least that’s the rumor. I’ve never known any personally.”

  “Exactly!” I shouted excitedly. “And where are the mines?”

  Beauty’s hand moved to her sword. “Are you fucking with me? If you’ve got an idea, just tell me. Enough with the stupid questions.”

  “This is why nobody wants to go on patrol with you, Beauty! Pea would play the question game with me.” I sulked. “Fine! The fucking dwarf can fucking dig us a fucking tunnel UNDER the fucking thorns. There, you happy, you saved 10 fucking seconds by not playing with me!”

  Beauty’s face softened. “I’m.. um, I’m sorry Rae. I didn’t know it was that important to you. Does nobody really want to patrol with me?”

  I felt terrible. I mean, nobody did want to go on patrol with her. But I shouldn’t have said anything. “No, I’m sorry. People want to go on patrol with you. Everybody does! You’re Beauty! The best fighter in the eleven kingdoms!”

  She gave the squirming dwarf a kick in the ribs and hung her head, “No, you were right. Nobody likes to patrol with me. I’m too ridged. Help me Rae! Help me learn to be more popular, more… relaxed.” Her face almost cracked as she tried to get the words out.

  “No, really, you’re fine! Let’s get the dwarf digging. Heigh-Ho dwarf! You want to get free?”

  The dwarf squirmed more. “I’ll take that as a yes. Beauty, take off the hood.”

  “You fucking bitches!” The dwarf sputtered as the hood came off. “I’ll fucking kill you and then I’ll put you in the glass coffin to keep you alive and then I’ll fucking kill you again!”

  Beauty knocked him in the head and he fell silent.

  “Thanks Beauty. Hey dwarf…”

  “The name’s Albert.” He said quietly.

  “What?!” Both Beauty and I asked, shocked. “I thought all you dwarves were named after cute personality traits, like Dummy or Ugly or, in your particular case, Pain-in-the-assy.” I continued

  “No,” He said. “That was HER. She gave us all those stupid names.”

  “Ok!” Beauty broke in, “Enough chit-chat!”

  I gave her a look, my this is why nobody wants to go on patrol with you look, and she shut up. I think I’m going to like this.

  I knelt down, face-to-face with the dwarf. “Ok, Albert. You want to get free?”

  “I want to go back to my chair!”

  I gave Beauty another look, my knock the dwarf on the head look, and she knocked the dwarf on the head.

  “Ok. Albert, that’s not going to happen. You’re coming with us and we’re getting out and we need your help.” He started to say something, but I gave him my, I’m going to let Beauty hit you on the head look, and he clamped down on his tongue. “The only question, Albert, is do you want to help us willingly, or do you want us to have to persuade you.”

  Beauty put her hand on her sword. “I’m guessing you can still dig without your nose.”

  “Dig?” Asked Albert.

  “Yes. We can’t go through the thorns and we can’t go over, so we’re going to go under and we just happen to have a dwarf with us. An always working. We live in the mines genuine dwarf. So, you’re going to dig us a tunnel.”

  Albert hung his head and scuffed the ground with his toe. “Well, you see the thing is, I’m not, I’m not a mining dwarf. I wanted to be! I did! But… Well, I failed my mining and tunneling exams! It was a great embarrassment for the whole family. I’m, I’m a…. lawyer!” He almost wailed the last part (not being either a queen or a soldier, he could. Oh the burdens of position!).

  Beauty gave me her, ‘should I kill the useless dwarf now?’ look (did you know 80% of communication is non-verbal?), but I shook my head. I put my hand on Albert’s arm. “I’m sure it’s a noble profession. But, here is your chance to reclaim your heritage, your birthright. Dig us a tunnel and make your family proud!”

  There was a twinkle in Albert’s eye. “Ok. Untie me and I’ll try!”

  I took my whip and wrapped it tight under his arms and Beauty untied his hands. Albert, rubbed his wrists then spit on his hands (what is it with spit and hands?) and with a twirl suddenly held a pick. Beauty stepped back and half-drew her sword. But he attacked the ground instead.

  “Shouldn’t you start closer to the thorns?” Beauty asked, but Albert ignored her. He only had eyes for the growing hole at his feet. Soon, he disappeared into the hole and all we saw or heard were occasional rocks flying out accompanied by occasional curses (which I, of course, am too delicate to repeat).

  CHAPTER 14

  Beauty and I sat in the cool grass, she reached a hand down the front of her armor and pulled a small metal flask from between her breasts. She took a swig and passed it to me. It was strong and sweet and warm and relaxing.

  Hours passed and Albert kept digging. To pass the time, Beauty and I played a complicated game of her own invention that involved knives and blood and punches and kisses. Every now and then, Albert reached the maximum extension of my whip and we had to move a little closer. Finally Albert emerged from the hole.

  “Well, I can’t promise that it’s up to Dwarf Class Triple A standards, but I’m going to say it’s a pretty damn good tunnel for a lawyer!”

  We got to our feet and I bowed to Albert, “Lead the way, my good dwarf.”

  Albert led us to the tunnel. I don’t know how he did it, but where there had just been a hole in the ground, he’d made a fully framed tunnel entrance, with a gently sloping floor. “And over here you’ll note the use of redwood timbers for strength and long-life, also termite proof. The floor is un-reinforced high-strength concrete. To withstand hundreds of years of industrial use.”

  Beauty was about to hit him, but I gave her a look and we let Albert continue with the tour. I know. The tunnel didn’t need to withstand hundreds of years of use, but Albert was so proud, I couldn’t rush him.

  The tunnel from end-to-end was about 100 feet and it took us about 45 minutes to cover the distance.

  At the far end, we found a massacre and no sign of the pavilion or our party. There were bodies everywhere, trolls, goblins, monsters of every description. Each one bore the telltale signs of its death, charred wounds from Cinderella’s flaming sword, a neat bullet hole from one of Sweet Pea’s guns or its throat ripped out by Ben’s fangs. I even saw a few skulls bashed in with the distinctive square shape of Pea’s whisky bottle. We dug through the mountains of bloody corpses looking for anything human, but found nothing.

  “Ok,” Said Beauty, “They must have been overwhelmed and had to flee. So, the question is, what should we do?”

  “Well, our options are either we try to find them or we try to complete the mission alone.” I told them.

  “Well, I think we should head as fast as we can to the shore and steal a boat and get the hell out of here.” Albert broke in.

  “Shut up Albert.” I almost hit him, but he had been pretty cooperative with the tunnel, and I didn’t want to ruin our new found détente. “There aren’t any bodies here, well, except for all of these of course, so they’re probably safe. All these corpses are cold, so the fight must have been at least a day ago. They must be under pressure by Jinjur’s troops, or they would have come back for us. I don’t see any way we could even track them if they are moving in the pavilion. I think we move forward with the mission.”

  Beauty spread her hands, “You’re the leader of this mission, Rae. It’s your call. You don’t have to explain your thinking to me.”

  “Ok.” Beauty was right, I was in command, but Pea and I always talked out options. I wanted Beauty to be like Pea, but she wasn’t, she was like Beauty and I just had to get used to it. I turned on Albert. “Ok, Albert, tell us what you know about the Magic Mirror.”

  Détente: Broken. “Listen, if you crazy bitches want to stick around, that’s your business.” He gestured at the piles of rotting bodies. “You want to wait
until Mallory takes notice and comes to deal with this cluster-fuck personally, knock yourselves out. But me? No way! I’m getting out of here! Even if she lets me live, and that’s a big fucking if, I doubt my new home will be as comfy as the last. Not if she thinks for a minute I was cooperating with you. And the tunnel is pretty good fucking evidence I was.” He rounded on me with a scowl. ”Pretty fucking clever with your ‘reclaim your birthright’ crap.” He mimicked my voice as best he could. “You want to get out of here? I’m all in. I’m guessing Snow White will give me a better deal than Mallory. But you want to go tramping, like princesses on a fucking picnic right up to her house? You better put the fucking hood back on, ‘cause I ain’t coming peacefully!”

  Beauty grabbed Albert by his shirt front. I moved to stop her, but then gave her the ‘go-ahead’ shrug.

  Beauty punched him in the face and blood began to stream from his nose. “You dumb fucking dwarf! You think Mallory is scary? I’ll show you scary. And you don’t have to wait for my attention! I’m focused on you right now!” Beauty beat him savagely. Blood was pouring from his mouth and from cuts above both his eyes. A small trickle flowed from his right ear. Beauty held him off the ground by his hair and beat him, until his scalp ripped free and he fell bleeding in the dirt. Then she began kicking him. “I don’t know what the fuck you did for Mallory that she let you live in the comfy chair when she killed all your brothers, but you won’t get any special treatment from me! I’ll fuck you in the eye with a jagged rock until…”

  But we’ll never know what creative brutality Beauty had planned because at this point I interrupted her, because, although Albert had taken his beating more or less stoically, at the mention of his brothers he began to cry. I knelt in the dirt next to Albert. “Kill me, you fucking bitches, kill me! I fucking deserve it! Kill me!” His sobs wandered into incoherence.