Before We Fall

by Courtney Cole

  Brand nods slowly. “True. But we’re not enemies either. Yet. I’d like to keep it that way. How about you?”

  There’s not a threat in his voice, more like a promise. If I fuck with Jacey, I’ll be his enemy. I feel fairly confident that that isn’t a good thing to be.

  “Noted.” I nod. “Let’s keep it that way.”

  He stares at me for a minute before he walks away. He climbs into his truck and sits there, waiting for us to leave. It occurs to me that he doesn’t like the idea of leaving Jacey and I alone together. It’s a thought that makes me smirk again.

  “What?” Jacey asks innocently as she emerges from her house and catches me grinning.

  “Nothing,” I answer, as we walk to my car and I open her door. “Are you ready?”

  She nods, tosses her purse on the floorboard and we drive away. Brand’s truck follows us for a while, and I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my neck, but the next time I look, he’s gone.

  “So, how long have you been racing your car?” Jacey asks curiously.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. Years. I like speed.”

  “I know,” Jacey sighs. “Fast cars and fast women.”

  I chuckle and rev the engine at the light. When the light turns green, I squeal my tires and take off from the line like a shot. When I glance over at Jacey, she’s relaxed in her seat, staring out the window.

  “Nothing?” I ask her. “No reaction whatsoever?”

  She giggles.

  “Did you expect me to be terrified? Not gonna happen. I grew up with Gabe and Brand and they did some dumbass things with cars… usually when I was with them. I’m never scared… not if I trust who’s driving.”

  I glance at her quickly before I look back at the road. “And you trust me? Silly girl.”

  “I know.” She rolls her eyes. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”

  “Obviously,” I answer.

  One of Sin’s songs comes on the radio, so I turn it up and we ride the rest of the way with Duncan’s steady drums thumping in our chests and Sin’s voice in our ears. It’s one of his slower songs, a dark love song, and when I glance over at Jacey she’s got her eyes closed and she’s moving her lips with the words.

  My soul is black, black as night, but you love it anyway.

  Your heart is cold, cold as ice, but it’s mine to take.

  I’ll take it and crush it because that’s what I do,

  And you’ll ask for more, because that’s you.

  Something about the way the dark words move her tightens my chest. It’s like she understands what he’s saying because she’s been there. Only unlike the rest of us, she came out of it unscathed, still innocent… and to be honest, I envy her that.

  As we arrive at the track and get out of the car, I mention the song to her.

  “I’ve asked Sin a few times what this fucking song means. He always just shakes his head and tells me that if I don’t get it, I’ll never get it. He sees himself as a complex artist and music is his canvas.”

  I meant it as a joking dig at my brother, but Jacey looks up at me in surprise.

  “You don’t get that song? It’s easy, Dom. It’s about a coldhearted guy who uses people for what he wants—women, usually. He can’t feel anything. I guess I just thought Sin wrote the song about you.”

  I stop in my tracks, staring at her. I can’t help it. “Do you think I’m coldhearted?”

  I don’t know why I care, but I don’t like the thought.

  But Jacey is already shaking her head. “No, I don’t. But I think you do. And I think that every day, you try to live up to your own idea of yourself. You’re not giving yourself enough credit and you sell yourself short on a daily basis.”

  I feel my eyes widen and then I get a hold of myself, shaking my head and hiding my thoughts. “Whatever, Dr. Vincent. Maybe you should be a psychiatrist instead of a waitress.”

  “Maybe I will.” She sniffs. “I’m pretty good at reading people. But whatever.” She turns around. “What do we do now? I’ve never been here before.”

  “You’ve never been to the Autobahn?” Before my words are even out, Jacey is snorting.

  “Dominic, my old car couldn’t even make it to work, let alone around a fancy country club racetrack.”

  “Good point,” I mutter. “Thank god you have a new one now. We have to start out by signing in and grabbing a helmet and a tracksuit. Then they’ll look at my car really quick for an inspection and we’ll hit the track. There won’t be anyone else here because I’ve arranged for them to stay open late for us.”

  Jacey nods and we set off for the clubhouse. Within fifteen minutes, we’re suited up and buckled in, waiting for a green flag.

  “You do this a lot?” Jacey asks, her voice muffled a bit by her helmet.

  I nod. “Whenever I’m in town. It’s a good stress reliever. To just come out here and open up the throttle? I can feel the stress melting away already.”

  The green flag drops and I floor it.

  My engine roars as I double-clutch shift, my foot vibrating with the power beneath it. Jacey is gripping her door, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

  “How fast can we go?” she shouts.

  “How fast do you want to go?” I answer, shifting into third.

  We take off like a shot, weaving in and out of the curves of the road, hugging the asphalt like a second skin. Jacey laughs, her head thrown back against her headrest because of the speed.

  “Faster,” she urges.

  I oblige. There’s basically no one else out here, so we’ve got the track to ourselves. That makes it easier to open it up and just go.

  Jacey is utterly unfazed by the speed, by the danger that speed represents… and honestly, that pleases the hell out of me. I don’t even know why. I just like that she’s so able to toss her cares away, enjoy the freedom speed brings… and trust me not to lose control.

  It’s at least one area where her trust is not displaced. I very, very rarely lose control. Of anything.

  She looks over at me, laughing. “I want to drive. Can I?”

  I don’t give a moment’s thought to the fact that this car costs more than Jacey probably makes in several years as a waitress. I don’t even think about the fact that she’s never driven something so powerful. All I can think about is the fact that she wants to.

  I pull over on the next straightaway. “You don’t have enough experience to take a curve, but you can drive this straightaway. You can totally open it up, if you want to. Just start to brake by that yellow sign, okay?”

  She nods, we switch seats, and the tires are squealing almost before my seatbelt clicks.

  I grin as we fly down the straightaway, because the girl has no fear.

  Jacey shifts gears flawlessly, moving fluidly from one gear to the next like she’s been driving this way her whole life. As we pass the yellow sign, her speed flashes.

  “One eighty!” she crows as we start to slow down.

  We stop and she takes her helmet off, then tugs at mine.

  She leans over and kisses me hard, the exhilaration of speed turning her on. I kiss her back, hard, because I know how that feels. I feel that way every single time I get behind the wheel here. When she finally pulls away, her eyes are shining.

  “That was fucking awesome,” she announces. “Now I see what you love about it. Let’s do it again.”

  I chuckle, but open my door. “We can’t. The club will be closing soon and we need to head back to the front. I’d better drive now, Andretti.” Jacey grumbles, but gives in.

  As we drive back toward the club entrance, I glance over at her.

  “So… about you and Brand.”

  Jacey stares at me, her face closing up cautiously. “What about us?”

  I steer around a curve fluidly before I continue. “You say that he’s like your brother. But it’s clear to anyone who watches you that he doesn’t feel the same. Not anymore. He probably did once upon a time, but you’ve grown up. And he’
s fallen in love with you.”

  Jacey swallows, then stares at the floor. And it’s completely evident that she knows.

  “You knew,” I say simply, and ice floods my heart. I’d been holding out hope that she wasn’t coldhearted. “You knew and you’ve been using him, anyway.”

  Her gaze snaps back up to mine, and her eyes are gleaming.

  “No. It’s not like that. I haven’t wanted to believe that it’s true. But lately, I haven’t been able to ignore it. I know you’re right. But I don’t know what to do about it. I love him like my brother. He’s always been there for me, and I don’t want anything to change. And I don’t use him.”

  Relief washes over me, but I try to ignore it.

  “So you don’t feel the same way about him?” I ask carefully as I pull the car in front of the clubhouse.

  Jacey sighs, staring into the night sky. “I wish I did. It would make things a lot easier. Brand would never hurt me. Not ever. He’d rather die. And that’s the kind of person that I need. Sometimes I feel like I should just be with him, that maybe I could grow into loving him like that. He’s definitely someone worthy of that kind of love. But then again, because he’s so worthy, he deserves more than I can give him.”

  “I know that feeling,” I admit, and I’m startled when I say the words. Jacey stares at me, and her voice is hesitant.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that I find myself liking you… more and more each day. I don’t want to, because I know what happens when you open yourself up to someone. You get hurt. Or you hurt them. The world is full of people hurting each other, Jacey. And I don’t want to do that. Not anymore.”

  I don’t know why I brought our conversation to this dark and serious place. What happened to acting casual and normal? But truthfully, deep down, I think I just can’t stand the inevitability of it all.

  I can’t stand pretending that everything is fine when I know that one day, very soon, everything is going to implode.

  Right now, even I can hear the emptiness in my voice, and Jacey hears it too.

  She stares at me. “Who hurt you, Dom?” she asks gently. “Was it Emma?”

  Like always, her name forms a vise around my heart. I close my eyes, refusing to answer.

  “I know Emma hurt you,” Jacey continues, refusing to back down. “I don’t know how. But I know she did. You’ve got to open up about it, Dominic. If you don’t, it will eat at you forever.”

  I open my eyes and stare at her bleakly. “It will eat at me forever anyway.”

  “So you’re just going to keep closed off to be safe, then?” Jacey asks, and she sounds sad and distant. “I know that whatever happened with Emma has defined who you are, from your sex life to your career. It’s why you keep to yourself, why you’re so distant. You want to protect yourself by never opening yourself up again. You shouldn’t do that, Dom. It’s not healthy. I know from experience. Do you want to know how I know?”

  She stares at me, waiting, so I finally nod.

  “Today’s my birthday, and neither of my parents bothered to call me. No card, no call, no gift, not even a ‘Hey, we brought you into the world on this day twenty-four years ago, so have a good day.’ They didn’t contact me at all. That’s why Gabe came here… because he knew they wouldn’t. And just like always, he wanted to protect me from that. But he can’t. Because even though he came and it was awesome, it doesn’t take away the fact that they didn’t even call. But even though they’re horrible parents and they hurt me all the time, I know that I can’t close myself off. That would only end up hurting me, Dom.”

  I feel bad for her, because honestly, I can’t imagine what it must be like to have parents who don’t give a shit. And even though Gabe clearly doesn’t like me much, I’m glad that he’s such a rock for his sister. Even still, I don’t know what parallel Jacey is trying to draw.

  “What does that have to do with me?” I ask woodenly. “What point are you trying to prove? Are you trying to show me that your parents fucked you up, but you’re trying to get past it? Because good for you.”

  Jacey shakes her head.

  “I want you to see what I learned… because you need to learn it too. It’s taken me a while to learn it, and honestly, I’m still trying to deal with it all. But even though our situations are different and we react to our situations in different ways, we’re dealing with the same kind of pain.”

  She pauses, and I stare at her dubiously.

  “It’s true, Dom. People have hurt us. But the lesson for us both is that people will hurt us in life, and we just have to get over it. We have to keep going and keep opening ourselves up to people. Will we get hurt again? Maybe so. But maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll end up with something real.”

  I don’t say anything, so Jacey continues.

  “If something doesn’t change, you’re going to end up sad and alone, Dominic. I don’t want that for you. It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. There’s something between us… and I know you can feel it too. We have the opportunity for something real, Dom, even though we’re pretending that we don’t. We really do.”

  A sharp rap on the window interrupts her, interrupting the moment at the same time. A worker hands me the clipboard to sign out, and I scrawl my name. I fire my engine back up and drive toward Chicago and try to ignore my pounding heart.

  There can be no more pretending now. Jacey just confronted things head-on.

  We’re quiet now. Awkward. Tense.

  I can feel Jacey staring at me from time to time, waiting for me to react to what she said, but I don’t say anything and she doesn’t either. As I pull up to the curb, I make no motion to get out.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her tersely. “I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. Good night, Jacey.”

  I’m once again trying to delay the inevitable.

  She starts to get out, but pauses, looking into my face. With a cool hand, she traces my cheekbone, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and lean into her hand. But I don’t. I remain rigidly in my own seat.

  “Dom, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” she says quietly. “I’ll never breathe a word to anyone, I’ll just listen.”

  Her face is so sincere, so genuine… it’s all I can do to remember to breathe. She doesn’t ask for anything, she’s just concerned about me.

  “Thanks for the offer,” I tell her. “But…”

  “I know,” she interrupts. “But you’ll pass. Why don’t you come in, Dom? We don’t have to talk. We can just watch a movie or something. I don’t want you to be alone.”

  I don’t bother telling her that I’m always alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. Instead, I just shake my head.

  “Not tonight. I think I’ll just go. Happy birthday, Jacey. I’m glad you got to see your brother.”

  Jacey hesitates, then gets out, closing the car door. She stands there, gorgeous and quiet in the night. As I stare at her, I know what I have to do. I swallow hard. If I don’t do it now, it will be too late and I’ll have crushed her.

  For once in my fucking life, I’m going to do the right thing.

  The decent thing.

  “Jacey, I can never give you what you want. You want someone who can open up and discuss feelings, someone who will be an active participant in your life. That’s not me and it never will be. We need to pull the plug on this thing now, because once again, you’re falling for the wrong guy.”

  Jacey sucks in her breath and she’s frozen for a second. But then she leans down, staring in at me, and there’s something pained in her eyes.

  “What are you afraid of, Dominic? Really? What are you afraid of?”

  I stare at her, long and hard, before I answer.

  “Everything,” I admit.

  And then I drive away.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jacey

  How is it that I’ve fucked up so badly once again?

  I’ve opened myself up to someone who is emotionally unavailab
le and has more baggage than he can even keep track of. He’s detached. Distant. Unable to give me what I need, and, what’s worse, has never tried to hide it. He told me all along.

  But still, I fell for him.

  Still my heart breaks because he’s gone from me. Because I honestly thought that he was different. That deep down, he was a good guy and I could save him. Once again, I thought I could save someone who is apparently unsaveable.

  I’ve done this to myself.

  I grab a pair of boxing gloves and start swinging at a bag. I catch the attention of Jake and Tig and they come over to observe. Tig watches while Jake holds the bag.