Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  Henar tensed to grab again for his blaster.

  A third dart hissed forward before he could take one step.

  Pain lanced his neck. He grabbed at the long projectile sticking out of him, staggered by the agony. “OWW! That stung…kind of…” The pain faded quickly, replaced by waves upon waves of drowsiness. “…feeling kinda…numb…” Everything spun around and around. “Feeling kinda…”

  The ground reached up to swallow Henar whole. Then he felt and saw nothing.

  Chapter 6

  Smears of light swirled slowly back into Henar’s vision. Warm colors edged by a dark tunnel. A chill rippled over the Kavii, causing his fur to stand on end. And he felt as if he wore nothing save some kind of sticky covering on his right side.

  “Whaa?” Henar attempted to say. But the words came out in some kind of unrecognizable slur. Memories of his previous moments began leaking through the mental fog.

  Humans had found him, Akko and Kamai, drugging them. Now they were in some kind of prison. Consciousness cleared a little more, revealing him to in fact be naked, except for a pinkish body wrap around his lower extremities and his military bracelet. Where the rest of his gear was, Henar had no clue.

  “Where? How!” The Kavii patted his furry frame down in panic. Then again.

  He was a prisoner of war. A prisoner of the humans. That reality terrified him.

  His surroundings were a set of rectangular metal walls, save the gaping mesh sitting before him where harsh yet warm light blazed in from outside. To Henar’s right-hand side, Akko and Kamai dozed peacefully, two bulky balls of fur.

  Whatever kind of cell the humans had thrown them into, Henar could tell it was at the bottom level of the prison he was in.

  And coming from outside the cell, Henar could hear all kinds of other fauna barking, yowling, whining, and purring. No doubt they were in cells similar to this one containing Henar. More prisoners of the humans.

  “Have to escape…” Henar attempted to stand and figure out an escape plan. Except the world began swimming again. Before Henar knew it, he was stumbling to the left and colliding into an unyielding wall with a loud clang. That sent Henar’s raucous cellmates nearby into an uproar. Dazed, the Kavii landed hard on his belly again.

  A loud series of squawking sounded from outside.

  Henar frowned in recognition. Humans!

  Desperate, he tapped onto his wristband to see if it retained any function despite being separated from the rest of his gear.

  At first, Henar received nothing but a sputtering reaction.

  The squawking grew closer, quicker. Henar tapped more furiously on his wristband.

  Finally, the language translator popped up before his eyes.

  Thankful to the point of tears, Henar ordered the wristband to focus on the human dialect nearby.

  Henar heard nothing but squawking still. For a moment, his heart sank.

  “I will check on our new rodent friends down below,” a high and clear human voice spoke from outside the cell, clear as day for him to understand. The light from outside was blocked as a silhouetted human crouched before the pen.

  She was not a large human, skinny in build with pale and bare skin except for the strawberry blonde hair piled atop her head. But for Henar, all humans were quite massive. Her eyes were large and green and probing.

  “Hey there, sleepyhead!” she stated, bright as a clear sunrise. Her curiosity and uncertainty were on display, along with a gentle warmth Henar did not understand.

  He scurried back to the furthest corner of the cell and tensed to defend himself.

  If the human had discovered Henar and his allies in less hostile fashion, then Henar wouldn’t have felt so threatened by this human’s warmth. Yet the three Kavii had been taken down by darts—discovered wearing military gear. Despite how unevolved humans were, this individual must have more than a few questions about what Henar had been wearing.

  “Hey,” he hissed at Akko and Kamai. “Wake up! We’re trapped and need to escape. WAKE! UP!”

  Henar might as well have been speaking to pillows. Perfect.

  “Awww! It’s okay sweetie.” The human pulled the door to the cell open and reached her massive hands toward Henar, blocking out all light. “I won’t hurt you. Just wanna check your injuries.”

  Henar cringed and scrambled as far away from those hairless hands with their hairless fingers. But the cell was small and cramped. Soon those fingers clutched his body like vises.

  Henar shrieked and scrambled, but the human’s power was unyielding and the Kavii was not at full strength.

  His last cry finally jolted Akko and Kamai out of their apparent comas. But by the time they fully came to, the human closed the cell again and had lifted Henar high off the ground.

  The human cradled Henar in her arms like a human would a child of their own. Henar could barely think straight. Around him were concrete walls and flooring, with other animals of all sizes in similar caged cells like his. Canines barked and whined. Felines meowed or hissed. Even some avian species with their chirps. And in the cells nearby, was that a Kavii-like creature with floppy ears?

  Henar could hear Akko and Kamai frantically slamming their bodies against the mesh cage of their cell, so far below now. They called out in anger, desperate to escape and rescue Henar. But to no avail. Looking into the deceptively gentle eyes of his human captor, Henar’s mind jumped to what would happen to him next.

  Would she start with bribes for information? Or would she go straight to threats? Would be it be an interrogation followed by beatings? Or would the beatings and torture be part of the interrogation?

  “Okay, sweetie,” the human cooed and smiled, revealing big white teeth made for chomping. “I know you’re scared. I just want to take a look at your injuries.” Her face darkened for one brief, scary moment. “I better not find whoever burned you,” she seethed. “Or else I’d do the same to them.”

  Henar froze. Too bad Atiga was already dead, he mused. Or else watching humans dispense justice on him might be entertaining. Like watching Kavii pups learn how to walk.

  The human’s ultra-bright smile returned as she placed him on a cold metal table. Looking around at the cages and the tools on the surrounding countertops, Henar recognized the place as a medical facility. Or is this some kind of torture labs for alien invaders? So far, no sign of interrogations or violence. Except for the massive pair of scissors the female human just whipped out.

  Henar popped up and made to run. To where, he had no clue. Maybe that open door across the room. To get help so he could rescue Akko and Kamai. Henar had no ego admitting his plan was a mistake. Time to go back and do this conquest the old-fashioned way.

  The human pushed the Kavii down on his side with surprising force. “Relax, little one,” she said, never losing her warmth at all. “I need to take off your bandage and check the wounds.” But Henar was in a panic, fear of those scissors puncturing his exposed fur-covered flesh.

  “Jesus, you’re stronger than you look.” The human looked up. “Jenny, get in here. Need a little help!”

  Another human female scurried into the room, shorter and squatter and darker in complexion than the one holding Henar down. Her attire mirrored her pale human counterpart’s: light blue drab V-neck short with baggy drab light blue pants. She clamped her cold hands over Henar’s head and hindquarters, effectively pinning him to the hard metal table.

  “Thanks,” the pale human said gratefully. “He’s a strong little fucker.”

  “No problem, Pam,” the human called Jenny replied.

  “Almost slipped outta my hands,” Pam commented, directing the pointy ends of her scissors toward Henar’s exposed midsection. “Now let me cut this bandage off…”

  Henar squeezed his eyes shut, helpless and fearing the worst…

  And suddenly his legs were unfettered by bandages. He wriggled them and felt absolutely no pain. Not even an ache. That salve from earlier worked better than expected.

  “W
ow,” Pam gaped down at him. “There is no sign of any burns. And the fur covering this area of his body…completely grown back.”

  Jenny took a long look of her own. “Yeah, you’re right!” Her small brown eyes widened in awe. “Good work, Pammy!”

  Henar watched and listened to these clueless humans continue congratulating each other with such relish. As if their paltry medicines had anything to do with this one’s recovery. He struggled not to laugh aloud.

  Then the one called Pam began stroking his head with long, doting fingers. “So, do we know what he and his friends are?”

  Doubt it! Henar mused. Despite his better judgement, he relaxed further.

  Jenny, who had relaxed her grip on the Kavii, shook her head. “Other than him looking like a giant rabbit but without the floppy ears? No idea. Blood samples say he’s from the rodent family. But can’t positively ID any of them.” Her face contorted in confusion. “That doesn’t explain all the weird armored shit those three were wearing. Or these bracelets that won’t come off.”

  Pam eyed her friend with similar bafflement. It amused Henar how expressive these humans were. “I know, right? This guy and his buddies even had miniguns. Whoever used to own them must’ve been into some kinky Star Wars shit or something. I tossed most of that stuff into the trash after we pried it all off.”

  Henar’s eyes bulged. My armor is nearby. He popped up on all fours. Also, these humans had no clue that he, Akko, and Kamai were aliens. A few positives after a string of setbacks. Henar had to make a dash and find one of these “trashcans” holding his armor and weapons.

  “Easy, not-so-little guy.” Pam hugged her arms around Henar to keep him in place. “We’re still checking you out. But you must be hungry!” Pam nodded at Jenny, who then scurried out from the room.

  “Who put you in that silly armor?” she asked in a weird baby doll voice when they were alone. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you never see them again!”

  Henar certainly hoped that wasn’t the case. But Henar didn’t mind the stroking atop his head. Or his belly. Pam’s affection seemed genuine, especially when she nuzzled her bare cheek against Henar’s head. Yea, that felt nice. Henar closed his eyes and purred despite himself.

  Jenny soon re-entered the room carrying a small bowl filled with green plants and small yellow bulbs. “Lunch!” she announced with a smile, and placed the bowl in front of Henar.

  The Kavii, his wits dulled by Pam’s cuddling, stared blankly at the bowl. What do they expect this one to do here?

  “You have to feed him, silly,” Pam scolded her friend. The human scooped up a palm full of the mixture and held it directly under Henar’s nose.

  She’s feeding this one?? He leaned down and sniffed what was in her hand. The smell wasn’t terrible, and the Kavii was starving. So he took huge bites of the food, devouring it quickly. Okay, not bad.

  “Someone’s hungry!” Jenny exclaimed.

  “Have some more!” Pam scooped up more of the food, and Henar scarfed down the rest. And in that moment, being stroked and fed by these two simple yet lovely humans, Henar’s brain lit up with possibilities. After finishing his meal that these humans took turns handfeeding to him, Henar looked up at Jenny and Pam with the largest doe eyes possible and nuzzled his face on Pam’s hand.

  She all but melted into a puddle.

  “Aww,” both humans cried affectionately. As both held him tight, Henar barely swallowed a guffaw. Thank you, Atiga, he mused to himself.

  Thanks to an arch nemesis trying to kill Henar and his plan, Moldof would not die in vain. And Henar’s plan for Earth’s conquest had just been proven. Humans loved furry creatures. They loved catering to them hand and foot.

  “I know we shouldn’t take these guys home or anything. But who knows what would happen if we report him and his buddies to animal services?” Jenny admitted, her dark features contorting with concern.

  “But we have no clue what these guys are. What kind of diseases they might have. If they are some kind of guinea pig or giant rat or…” Pam’s eyes widened. “A whole new species!”

  Henar made a face. Nononono! He shook his head. If Henar and his friends were carted off to a lab, then the humans would surely discover these were not some typical rodents from Earth. Not good.

  Jenny sighed heavily. “What if they are taken away, poked and prodded like lab rats?” She placed a hand on the shoulder of her doubting friend. “What if we take them home, just as a trial run, and see how that works.”

  Yesyesyesyesyes! To further emphasize his approval, Henar scurried over to Pam and nuzzled his face against her chest.

  The chorus of “Awwwwwwwww” and “how cute!” variants that followed were elementary.

  “Okay!” Pam finally caved. “We’ll take them home tonight. Temporarily…”

  Henar smirked. Nailed it.

  Later, after, some more belly rubs, Henar was returned to his cage. Akko and Kamai were waiting, teeth bared and ready to pounce at Pam.

  Henar’s eyes widened. “NO.” He threw his whole body in their path just as the twin behemoths launched themselves forward.

  “What are you doing, Henar?” Akko snarled.

  “We are without armor or weapons. That was our chance at escaping!” Kamai agreed, struggling to get past as the door shut.

  “We cannot,” Henar declared, standing between the two large Kavii and the closed door. Both Pam and Jenny expressed concern over the commotion they just heard before leaving the room. “We can feed the other two when they calm down,” Jenny stated.

  “Let’s hope so!” Pam said. “I don’t want any drama between these three and my fur babies at home.”

  Soon they left the room, leaving only the discordant symphony of other animals in their cages.

  “We’re not escaping!” Henar ordered. “Nor are we attacking these humans.”

  Akko and Kamai gaped at him as if all his body fur had fallen off. “Why not? We’re prisoners—”

  “Not exactly!” Henar cut him off. “If you had bothered to turn on your language translators, you’d have heard what the humans were talking about.”

  Akko sank onto his haunches, still fuming but more open to listening. “Which is what?” The top of his head nearly touched the ceiling of this cage.

  “They are taking us into their home, willingly!” Henar replied, smiling. “That was the plan all along. Gain these humans’ trust, infiltrate their homes as a test case on how to invade Earth without firing a shot. That way, these humans will feed us, bathe us, and take care of us. Basically be at our beck and call.” Henar walked up to his fellow soldiers and clapped their shoulders. “We rule them without them even knowing it. Until the Benevolency is ready to announce itself to its newest colony. Then at the end of the week, we present the plan to our military commanders.”

  Akko and Kamai looked at each other, visibly gobsmacked by the brilliance of Henar’s plan. Of course they were. “But…but what if the humans catch wind of our invasion beforehand and retaliate?”

  “And what if they retaliate after we have already occupied their world?” Kamai added.

  Henar had thought of that possibility, and had a perfectly logical response. “We will already be in their homes, compromised their defense systems and military, as well as their food supplies…should the humans be foolish enough to fight back.”

  Now Akko and Kamai perked up.

  Henar smiled. These two seemed almost civil now that they were away from Atiga. “Do not be aggressive. Do not snarl or bare your teeth in hostility.” That caused Kamai to close his mouth with a snap. “Give them the happy face defense with the doe eyes like we were taught in academy.” Henar mimicked the exact, sweet and cuddle-worthy facial expression to highlight his point. “Cuddle up with the humans. Tolerate their petting. Let them feed you like newborn pups and you’ll never have another care in the world.”

  When Pam and Jenny came back, Akko and Kamai grudgingly put on their happiest faces, even wriggling their butts in fa
lse joy.

  Soon they were scooped out of the cage by both humans, who fed and petted both Kaviis. After some time, Henar didn’t bother hiding a guffaw at the sounds of Akko and Kamai’s blissed-out purrs.

  The true victory came when Pam said, “Alright already…let’s take all three of them home. The house should have extra space.”

  Later that day, they rode in some roofed, four-wheeled vehicle that might have been used for ground transport some 700 years ago on Kav. Yet this relic was considered modern by these humans.

  Henar sat perched in the “car’s” rear seats with Akko and Kamai while the two humans sat in the front. He exchanged mute, bemused looks with the two larger Kaviis. How much these humans have to learn, they tacitly agreed.

  Pam and Jenny lived in quite the rustic abode, red-roofed with orange walls, near other homes ringed with green shrubbery and trees.

  “You three will love it here,” Pam gushed as she approached her front entrance. “There’s enough space for everyone. Jenny cradled Kamai as she walked behind Pam. The beefy Kavii had the biggest grin of bliss on his face. He and Jenny had taken a real liking to each other. Akko and Henar trotted after them, each on all fours.

  “This one doesn’t know about this,” Akko murmured. He moved rigidly, tensed and nervous.

  Henar nodded. “Neither does this one,” he admitted. “But look at what we are about to accomplish? This will cement our names in history. You and Kamai. We can do this.”

  That calmed Akko down significantly as the door to Pam’s abode swung open. The insides were expansive and seemingly crafted of polished wood. With more fluffy pillows everywhere.

  A string of excited barks outside grabbed Henar’s attention. Two canines.

  Pam then scurried deeper into the house. “I’ll deal with Beans and Billy. You get those guys settled in, Jenn?”

  The shorter woman nodded and placed Kamai on a fluffy divan contraption as Pam disappeared into a darkened corridor.

  Night had fallen completely on the outside by the time Henar, Akko, and Kamai had been fed again and then given a fort of pillows in the common room. The humans had gone to the house’s second floor to get some sleep after hours upon hours of playing and cuddling with their Kavii guests. As they had departed to their separate rooms, Pam and Jenny were quarreling over what to name their new “pets.” Henar found none of their choices appealing.