Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  He and the other two Kavii lay on their backs, stuffed and content. Their bed had been constructed from a wreath of seven bulbous and square-shaped pillows from living couches.

  “This…is…the life,” Kamai admitted, and then burped. “This one does not want to leave.”

  Henar, nearly in a food coma, nodded in agreement. Akko was already passed out and snoring.

  Henar’s eyes began drooping, until realizing he had probably missed his check-in.

  With considerable effort, he pushed up to all fours and scurried into another room. Henar remembered not to run too fast, as the glossy wooden floor was slick enough to slide across. Finding what appeared to be a human lavatory room, he slowly eased the door closed to not make so much noise.

  Henar should have contacted his commanding officer first. But with all the craziness going on, the Kavii longed for a friendly face. Tapping onto his wristcom, he opened up a floating holoscreen to contact Osefa first.

  The response was not what Henar expected. Osefa appeared disbelieving and stunned. Plus, he was dressed in his military combat uniform. Odd, unless they were running training drills. “Henar? Why…how…?”

  Henar gave his friend an odd look. “Great seeing you too.”

  Osefa shook his head to clear it, then gazed upon Henar as if never seeing anyone else like him. “Nono…this one is overjoyed to see you. It’s just…” Osefa placed a paw on his forehead, barely able to communicate. “HOW are you still alive? And why are you naked?”

  Now Henar gaped at his longtime friend in shock. “Alive? Osefa, this one never died. We saw each other over four days ago.”

  Osefa shook his head again. “Commandant Johonek declared you and Moldoff had been killed in action.”

  “Killed?” Henar repeated with a bark, then looked around and cringed. The last thing he needed was to wake up his human hosts. The Kavii turned back to the holoscreen. “How?”

  “Killed by our human enemies…” Osefa’s voice trailed off as he gaped again at his friend.

  “But this one still has at least three days left to complete my mission,” Henar detailed more to himself than a gobsmacked Osefa. His head was spinning, questions upon questions piling up. Only one rose to the top.

  “Why would Johonek announce a boldface lie unless…?” The answer struck Henar hard. Unless the commandant wanted this mission to fail and use the excuse to openly attack Earth. He never believed in this one. Did that also mean Atiga didn’t try to kill Henar on a jealous whim? The order to have both Moldof and him killed might have come directly from Johonek.

  The realization was a piston-like kick to Henar’s gut. The Kavii looked again to his old friend from military academy on Kav. Through the heavy fog of disbelief, he took note of Osefa’s attire again. “Why are you dressed for battle?”

  Osefa straightened in posture, adjusted his fatigues, and frowned. “Come tomorrow,” he announced as joylessly as possible, “the Benevolency attacks the planet Earth, with extreme prejudice.”

  Chapter 7

  For several long moments, Henar gaped back at Osefa. The shock was too blunt for the young Kavii to form coherent thoughts. His brain matter seemed to have melted out through his tiny round ears, rendering him mute and dumbstruck.

  Hearing that the Benevolency would finally lay siege on Earth should have thrilled Henar. This was what he had trained for since adolescence.

  During the weeks of space travel to Earth, the young Kavii had been beyond excited to be part of his first planetary conquest, eager to prove his worth and cement his status as part of the Benevolency Military.

  Except, Henar was not to take part. He was supposed to be dead. A martyr for the Benevolency’s cause.

  The first-strike impetus of the Earth conquest had been built on an egregious lie. The lie that these humans had killed Henar and another Kavii in a declaration of war.

  “Henar?” Osefa’s worried voice brought the dumbfounded Kavii out from the abyss of shock. He turned to his friend and straightened, cold anger washing over him.

  Henar’s oddball plan to pose as a human pet had initially been a means to liberate him and his friends out of a dead-end division.

  Now, that oddball plan was proof of his existence. A mark of his survival. “This one has to speak to Johonek,” he demanded flatly. “Now.”

  Osefa jerked back. “Why? What is happening?”

  Henar shook his head. “A whole lot of treachery.” Then he revealed everything that occurred over the last few days, Moldof’s death, Atiga’s attempt on his life, being brought to Pam and Jenny’s house. The only thing he did not reveal was his suspicions of Johonek attempting to have him killed.

  By the time he had finished, Osefa was the one who looked like his brain had melted out of his ears. “By the stars above…”

  “That is why this one needs to speak with Johonek,” Henar pleaded now. “As ranking officer over this entire conquest, this one must tell him about Atiga and Moldof.”

  Osefa shook his head side to side as if to clear the cobwebs. “It will be hard, as he and the other commandants are making final preparations before tomorrow’s first strike. But…” On the holoscreen, the other Kavii’s face twisted with hesitation before he spoke next. “Given what happened, is it wise speaking with someone with Johonek’s influence over a private communications channel? Especially when you do not know why he falsely declared you dead?”

  Henar grimaced. His friend was right. “Then what is this one supposed to do?” he hissed, pacing back and forth in frustration. “This one has been stripped of armor, utilities, and weapons. This one is miles away from my dropship. And there is no way this one would reach Johonek’s flagship in time. Not before tomorrow’s battle begins.”

  Osefa scratched his chin, calm amid Henar’s tantrum. He always could keep a level head during extreme stress. “This one might know a way to get you an audience with Johonek.”

  Henar stopped and wheeled around. “How would you do that?”

  Osefa’s mouth pulled into a devious and toothy smile, meaning a good idea had come to mind. “All this one needs is remote access to your wristcom,” he said. “And for you to not answer any other communications until Johonek himself contacts you.”

  Henar frowned. This plan made no sense. “But why—?”

  Osefa held up a paw to silence him. “Trust this one. Oh, and when Johonek calls, make no mention that you are not at your dropship.”

  Henar sighed and granted his friend remote access to his wristcom. “Understood.”

  “Exquisite,” Osefa beamed. “This one will be in touch. Stay still and wait for Johonek to make contact.” After exchanging farewells, the transmission winked out, plunging the bathroom into darkness once again.

  An hour of Earth time passed before Henar’s wristcom lit up with incoming transmissions. Not one. Not two. Not even half a dozen. Hundreds. All of them fellow soldiers, some he’d barely exchanged more than a few words with.

  The Kavii was strangely touched watching the cascade of caller IDs scrolling down his wristcom monitor. “What did you just do, Osefa?”

  Before long, a blocked caller ID finally appeared.

  Henar’s insides clenched up again.

  He didn’t need to guess who that might be. The Kavii drank in a deep, steadying breath before answering.

  The Kavii commandant appeared on Henar’s floating holoscreen, his furry face a stony mask that gave away nothing. “Henar. It appears rumors of your death have been greatly exaggerated. And you made sure the whole fleet knew it.”

  Henar swallowed a laugh. Oh, this one sees what you did, Osefa.

  The Kavii’s friend must have sent out some beacon fleet-wide telling them Henar was alive, but using Henar’s wristcom. “It had been a few days and this one is far—” The Kavii almost revealed he wasn’t near his dropship, but remembered Osefa’s warning to keep that quiet.

  “This one has been away from my fellow soldiers far too long,” Henar corrected himself in tim
e. “Looking forward to rejoining them.” He watched the commandant’s face carefully, looking for any crack in his composure.

  Johonek was pure ice. “And you will rejoin them soon.” He nodded stiffly, slamming a curled paw down on his table. “Your presence will boost morale after what the humans did to Moldof, and what they nearly did to you.”

  Now for the moment of truth. Henar straightened. “The humans did nothing to me and Moldof.” He shook his head. “Atiga killed Moldof. He tried to kill this one, but failed.”

  Johonek’s beady eyes narrowed, his whiskers twitching. “No,” he stated in iron tones. “The humans discovered you, Atiga and Moldof, tried to kill all three of you. Only you survived to tell the tale of the humans’ xenophobia and hatred for our kind.”

  Henar leaned away from the floating holoscreen. He didn’t want his suspicions to be accurate. But this bald denial of the truth brought all the facts home like a meteorite strike. “That is not what happened. Atiga tried to kill this one. Now you are attempting to cover that up. Why?”

  Johonek barely flinched in the face of Henar’s defiance. “Because this one had expected Atiga to do his job and kill you, pup.” His voice never raised, never showed any anger. The commandant spoke so coldly and businesslike, Henar shuddered in revulsion.

  “You…” He tried to find words, but the nausea washing through him nearly choked off his voice. “Is that why you…approved my mission? All so you could get rid of this one?”

  Johonek shook with laughter and rose to his feet. “Do not be so self-absorbed, pup. This one had received scant resources for this conquest. But if an opposing force murdered a few soldiers on a peaceful surveillance, then High Command becomes far more generous with what military resources a conquest receives. You with all your youthful naiveté presented this one with an opportunity to bring fire and fury from the stars down on these bare-skinned cretins. You and Moldof represented martyrs to the Benevolency cause. If not you, then someone other would have sufficed.”

  Henar stumbled back, almost falling over. For the first time in memory, he felt ashamed to call himself a member of the Benevolency. He meant less than nothing to them and their war machine. “So this one was just a disposable pawn to you?”

  “Martyr,” Johonek corrected, leaning over his desk. “You, Moldof, and now Atiga would have been martyrs. But alive…you can be a symbol. Your career can still soar to heights undreamt of.” The older Kavii smiled at Henar, almost resembling someone’s favorite relative. “All you have to do is state that the humans were the perpetrators of Moldof and Atiga’s deaths.”

  Henar looked up at the commandant, seeing only cold probing green eyes waiting for an answer.

  At a surface level, this seemed like an easy choice.

  Go along with the lie and get everything he’d ever dreamed of from the Benevolency military.

  Go along with the lie, and become a war hero.

  Go along with the lie, and lose your soul.

  Henar knew what his answer would be then and there. “This one is a soldier of the Benevolency. This one will not lie.”

  Johonek jerked back, fur bristling, eyes hardening. “A very foolish mistake you just made, pup. If you will not be a beacon, then you will most definitely become a martyr.”

  The two of them stared at each other a long moment. Henar looked at him sideways. “You’ll have to come get me yourself then, commandant,” Henar spat in defiance.

  Johonek looked hard at him. “Why…how are you still living?”

  “Because he is not at his dropship,” Osefa’s voice announced out of nowhere, startling the daylights out of Henar.

  Johonek’s fur stood on end as his head darted back and forth. “What in the—” he gasped in surprise. “Who is there?”

  “Oh, just this one…” Osefa continued wryly. “And nearly one thousand Kavii soldiers of varying ranks. All listening in on your enlightening conversation.”

  Now Johonek was the being who looked ill. “Do you understand how many laws you have broken, insolent pup?” he fumed, regaining his color. “How dare you—?”

  “NO,” Henar cut him off. “How dare you call yourself an officer of the Benevolency? Ordering the deaths of innocent soldiers under your command. All to justify an early first strike on these humans. How many laws would that be?”

  “Several,” Osefa commented, “and then attempting to murder Henar when he refused to go along with your treachery?”

  Johonek suddenly disappeared, replaced by familiar rolling hills doused in nightfall. Henar looked closely as an oval-shaped vessel appeared. “My dropship,” Henar exclaimed.

  “Formerly your dropship,” Osefa corrected.

  The reference made no sense, until Henar saw the dropship erupt in a plume of orange and gold fire, then vanish into quickly cooling embers.

  “Guess redirecting Henar’s location signature was a smart idea, huh?” Osefa bragged.

  Henar fell to his knees. Johonek, his commanding officer, just tried to kill him again. But Osefa had saved him.

  The visual disappeared, replaced by Johonek. The commandant had slumped back behind his ready room’s desk in horror. He’d been exposed and knew it.

  “And now…” Henar said, somehow fighting through the shock and the disgust bleeding through his fur and skin. “Everyone has seen your crimes. You are not fit to hold any position within the Benevolency military.”

  Johonek looked to Henar as if just realizing he was there for the first time. “You will regret the day you ever took your oath, you bottom-feeding scum. This one will make your life—”

  A commotion off-screen interrupted Johonek’s rant. Suddenly, half a dozen burly Kavii security guards burst onto the screen, tackling Johonek out of his seat. Henar watched in wide-eyed shock as a scuffle ensued until they finally pinned the traitorous commandant to the ground.

  And just like that, the shouting and thrashing Johonek was carted off-screen and out of his own ready room by military security.

  Another stern-looking commandant appeared onscreen, dark red fur and a stern look. Kailopha. He turned to the screen. “This one’s apologies, Soldier. Johonek will pay for his crimes. An escort will come acquire you—”

  “Actually sir,” Henar held up a paw. “This one’s original mission, despite the many setbacks, has been successful. If you had some time, this one would love to discuss with you tomorrow.”

  Commandant Kailopha nodded. “Acceptable. This one will pick you up at your current location…wherever that actually is. The attack on Earth will be postponed until after our discussion.”

  Henar saluted and smiled. “Will do, sir.” The transmission ended. After which, Henar immediately called Osefa. “There are no words this one can use to thank you enough.”

  His friend shrugged. “Loyalty is what the Benevolency is truly about. You and this one are more family than blood relatives.”

  Henar’s head was spinning with joy, surprise, and triumph. He opened his mouth to speak. Footfalls, muted and approaching from the other side of the bathroom door.

  Henar swore, almost forgetting about the humans who lived in this house. “This one must go. Thank you and see you soon.” He shut down the floating holoscreen and dropped to all fours right as the bathroom door swung open. The lights switched on, chasing away all shadows. Pam stood in the door way, her eyes puffy from sleep, wearing a baggy shirt that reached down to her knees.

  “Hey baby,” she said in a drowsy voice. “Thought I heard someone down here. Why aren’t you with your buddies in the living room?”

  Oh, if you only knew, Henar mused. Instead, he provided a distraction. Scurrying over to Pam’s bare feet, the Kavii sniffed at her leg before crouching and leaping into her arms.

  “Oh. My GAWD,” Pam giggled, cradling Henar properly in her arms. “Someone is happy to see me.” She snuggled her face against the Kavii’s soft fur.

  “You have no idea,” Henar said aloud. But to Pam’s simple human ears, he had made some pleased y
owling noise.

  “That’s it!” Pam gaped at him. “I’ll call you Happy.”

  Henar glared at her.

  She stopped smiling, clearly sensing his displeasure. “Not a fan? Okay. We’ll keep looking.”

  Chapter 8

  The next few weeks flew by quickly. Johonek had been prosecuted for a string of criminal charges, including treason, first-degree murder, among others. He was stripped of all ranks and titles, sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole.

  Still, Henar never felt more fear in his life when he, Akko, and Kamai returned to the fleet orbiting around Earth. As great as it felt to wear actual clothes again, the creature comfort was ephemeral at best. Bittersweet at worst.

  Killing Atiga still hung over him like a dark cloud. Given that Atiga was the son of a powerful military leader back on Kav, Henar expected to receive the same brutal sentence as Johonek. The day that Benevolency task force had picked him, Akko, and Kamai up in the dead of night had been terrifying to stomach.

  However, Henar thankfully never got charged with even a misdemeanor. His armor had been found by Benevolency scavengers who replayed the footage to see Atiga’s attack and attempt to kill him. Plus, there had been his efforts in exposing Johonek’s crimes against fellow Kaviis.

  Akko and Kamai also weren’t charged as accomplices since they had no clue of the murder. And Henar vouched for the two.

  “Now,” Commandant Kailopha spoke to Henar after he had been cleared of any wrongdoing. He stood in the commandant’s ready room, with a wall-length window displaying a backdrop of star-sprinkled black. Osefa, Leakki, Nele, Akko, and Kamai stood at Henar’s side. He refused to meet Kailopha without witnesses after the Johonek episode.

  “You had a potential plan to limit the use of military force now that we have successfully infiltrated Earth’s military defenses, yes?” the commandant inquired. “A plan that would call for Kaviis to infiltrate the homes of humans posing as pets while the Benevolency forces weaken Earth’s political and military forces?”