Finger Food

by Helen Lederer

  ‘Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it.’ Bella turned back to the audience and felt an apology might be justified. Instead she said, ‘A stunning array of recipes to put us in a better mood! Do we have any questions?’

  The man next to the St John Ambulance lady put his hand up.

  ‘Yes, you, with the bow tie,’ said Bella, suddenly feeling in charge. A cameraman swiftly turned his camera upon the man in the bow tie.

  Jumping away from her phone Fiona raced towards the audience with a microphone.

  ‘Do you want to come over and see to my sausage, Cora?’

  Encouraged by the audience’s laughter the man added a rather lewd gesture involving his forearm and a fist. The cameraman had swung away just in time.

  Up in the gallery Bella heard Yvonne’s muttered swearing. As did everyone else. The audience clearly thought it was part of this rather rude new food pilot.

  ‘Well I think you’ve made a great hit there, Cora!’ Bella stood to lead the guest out. ‘Cora! Ladies and gentlemen.’

  The audience clapped but Cora didn’t budge from the sofa. After an uncomfortable moment Fiona darted in and dragged Cora off. She waved as she went.

  Suddenly a man with white hair and a turtle-neck jumper stepped though the side doors of the studio. He’d been watching for a while and was now clapping Cora and Bella.

  Bella recognised him instantly. It was Tony, the head of Flair 4 Living TV. She managed to keep the professional smile glued to her face.

  Over the turtle-neck he wore a blazer with gold buttons, above check trousers and very pointy leather shoes. He reminded Bella of a cross between Richard Madeley and Basil Brush. Tony waved in a royal way at the audience and said to Bella, ‘Carry on!’ with a little wink. He put his tongue inside his cheek at the same time and sauntered up to the gallery.

  There was an audible gush from Yvonne as he arrived in the gallery. ‘Tony? Darling!’

  Fiona had returned to the set and looked scared. ‘The biscuits are in the gallery,’ she said, looking anxiously at where Tony had sauntered off.

  There was a pause around the set as the crew waited for Tony to settle himself.

  Fiona swivelled over to Bella and said under her breath, ‘That was Tony!’

  ‘I know,’ Bella replied. She didn’t like to see Fiona so frightened.

  ‘He’s the boss,’ explained Fiona in awe.

  ‘Not quite,’ said Bella, deciding to dispel some of the terror Tony put in Fiona. ‘His wife’sthe boss.’

  Fiona looked shocked. ‘His wife?’

  Bella nodded. ‘Tony’s wife pays for all of this. For your lovely T-shirt, for the studio, for the melons … and, well everything. Without Tony’s wife there’d be no Flair 4 Living TV!’

  ‘Imagine!’ said Fiona in disbelief.

  ‘Exactly! So how are things with Zee Zee? Any news?’ Bella felt a flash of anger. Fiona seemed such a sweet girl. Zee Zee shouldn’t be messing her around.

  ‘Well …’ Fiona was about to launch into her favourite subject when muffled kissing sounds came over the gallery. Then the sound of Yvonne’s voice.

  ‘I’m so sorry about Bella, Tony … she’s obviously over-excited and panicking. I toldyou she’s hopeless and now you can see she is! But worry not! She’s only here for …’

  Bella bit back her annoyance.

  There were more smooching sounds.

  ‘I thought she was quite good,’ said Tony. ‘She handled that randy old gent rather well.’

  The whole audience turned to look at the man in the bow tie who looked most put out. He stood to his full height of five foot three. ‘Old? I’m not old!’

  ‘Is she here?’ It was Yvonne again, this time in ‘studio mode’.

  ‘Yes. I’m here,’ said Bella, looking around in confusion. To her surprise Fiona had gone completely red.

  ‘Yes, we know youare, Bella,’ said Yvonne. Adding under her breath, ‘More’s the pity,’ and then more loudly, ‘I was talking to Fiona. Is she here yet? I was told she would be arriving on the 5.45. Now we’ve got Tony, I was hoping this ridiculous situation would be resolved.’

  ‘Er …’ Was it Bella’s imagination or was Fiona looking in her direction with a very guilty expression. ‘Er, yes?’

  She must still be upset about Zee Zee, Bella decided. But the fact that Tony was here meant she could finally prove herself as a presenter who had a way with an audience. And even though the first two features had been disasters, she was beginning to enjoy herself.

  ‘Can you get her in make-up then? Bella, can you fill in?’

  Bella was again confused. Had Yvonne finally decided that her shining face could do with some make-up, after all? Or should she fill in?

  ‘Who or what do you mean, Yvonne? Make-up or fill in?’

  ‘You fill in.’

  Chapter 8

  For once Yvonne wasn’t getting to Bella. She was having too much of a good time. She was finally getting the chance to shine. She looked out at the small crowd and stepped forward.

  ‘I’ll fill in for a few minutes, Yvonne, no problem. Could we have the healing music on, the CD you use for Master Pet?’

  ‘What?’ Yvonne sounded anxious. She doesn’t want me presenting in front of Tony, Bella realised. She’s terrified he’ll think I have talent.

  ‘I’m taking the audience into a visual exercise,’ explained Bella. ‘So if you could just roll the tape, Yvonne.’

  There was a loud grumpy sigh followed by a click.

  Whale music began to filter out into the studio.

  ‘So if we could all shut our eyes,’ said Bella, sliding into a calm version of her presenter’s voice. ‘That means you as well, Yvonne, thank you.’

  Bella glanced out into the audience. They were sitting obediently with their eyes closed.

  ‘Imagine you are on a beach,’ she intoned. She noticed Fiona, her eyes wide open, staring at her phone and willing it to ring.

  ‘Are you shutting your eyes, Fiona? Because this really only works if you shut your eyes, and it could very possibly change your life.’

  Fiona closed her eyes.

  ‘Can I open them if I get a text?’

  ‘No. It’ll be a lovely surprise afterwards … So imagine you are on a beach or alternatively you can pick a grassy knoll.’

  Fiona interrupted again. ‘Just to … er … clarify, what is a knoll?’

  ‘A knoll is a small hillock,’ said Bella, keeping the same calm voice. ‘So choose now, or go back to the beach. The waves are lapping for the beach group, and there is a soft mossy carpet of green for the hillock group.’

  ‘I’m on the hillock.’ Fiona’s face was screwed up in concentration.

  ‘Good, that’s reassuring … now let’s send out loving rays. Are you receiving the rays?’

  The music cut out suddenly.

  ‘Bella, we’ve got a hold-up in make-up,’ bellowed Yvonne’s crisp, mean voice. ‘They’re sending out for some more hair tongs. Go to the table display quickly, please.’

  ‘Table display,’ repeated Bella. ‘Table display, Fiona?’

  She looked across at Fiona who had sunk down in a chair and was deep in a trance, as were most of the audience. The St John Ambulance lady’s knitting had unravelled and her knees had flopped over into the lap of the man with the bow tie.

  Bella shook Fiona gently awake, feeling surprisingly maternal. Fiona sprang back into reality and looked around at the studio in confusion.

  ‘Table display?’ said Bella. Fiona blinked for a long moment, mouthing the words, and then jumped up and ran off.

  Bella went round and clapped the audience awake. They all stretched, had a good yawn and seemed to be in much better spirits than before. The bow-tie man helped the St John lady rewind her wool. Bella thought they made a nice pair and found herself hoping Zee Zee would come through for Fiona. Such a sweet girl.

  ‘Bella!’ shouted Yvonne. ‘We’re running the hairy fruit feature. You should know this one at least.’
Then thinking herself off-mike she added to Tony. ‘This is some strange little idea Bella came up with after I’d put together the pitch for Finger Food, and I thought it was only fair to let her try it out.’

  Bella was outraged. She remembered Yvonne suggesting she should add a strange section on making a table display by gluing fruits together. She’d privately thought it would never work but hadn’t dared question Yvonne at the time. Now she’d been left to exhibit Yvonne’s bad idea and get the blame when it went wrong.

  Bella sat herself at the table display area and checked the props list as subtly as she could manage.

  Yvonne called,‘Action!’

  Imagine yourself to be Nigella Lawson, only with a tube of glue,she told herself.

  ‘So!’ She spoke confidently into the camera. ‘Let’s make a table display with some glue and some fruits. I’m using these pawpaws!’ she looked around for the fruit. Fiona rushed on with some coconuts.

  Bella said, ‘Those aren’t pawpaws.’

  ‘I think they’re called coconuts, Bella.’

  ‘It says here pawpaws.’

  ‘Which I Googled and it said “hairy fruit” in brackets,’ replied Fiona. ‘I think. Anyway, I brought some waxing strips as well,’ she added helpfully.

  Bella decided to change tack.

  ‘Right, ladies and gentlemen. I’m giving these coconuts a Brazilian because I know some people are squeamish about hair … which is all very Sex in the Cityand should please the chief executive of Flair TV who is busy making decisions about the future direction of the show … Hi, Tony, if you can see me!’ Bella gave a little wink up to Tony.

  She then pressed the waxing strip to the coconut and whipped it away with a flourish. She glued the ‘de-fuzzed’ coconut into a table-display setting with a candle on a saucer and sat back to admire her handiwork.

  ‘Lovely for a family lunch or even a christening,’ she declared triumphantly. Confidence was all. There was even a small outbreak of applause.

  Yvonne’s voice boomed out.

  ‘Bella … the wine guest has cancelled. Double-booked herself for a tasting.’

  ‘Lucky her!’ Bella winked at the audience. ‘If only we all had that problem!’ But confusion was setting in. Hadn’t Yvonne been talking about the arrival of a guest in make-up? Fiona had returned to the floor and was looking distinctly uneasy.

  ‘Fiona, can you ask Bella if she will double as the wine guest?’

  Bella looked curiously up at the gallery. ‘What? Interview myself, you mean? Won’t that look a bit … er, mad?’

  But it seemed Yvonne was no longer talking to Bella.

  ‘Fiona, have you had that little wordwith Bella I asked you to have?’

  ‘What word?’ asked Bella, wondering what was going on. ‘What “word”, Fiona?’

  Fiona’s face had crumpled and she was staring at the floor.

  ‘I’m sorry, Bella,’ she whispered. ‘I couldn’t tell you. I just couldn’t …’

  Yvonne’s voice boomed out. ‘Fiona, could you tell Bella what we discussed now or you are sacked from this moment forth!’

  Bella looked at Fiona kindly.

  ‘You can tell me Fiona? What is it?’

  ‘Look, I can’t soften the blow … err … Juliet Parker’s here so …’

  ‘Juliet Parker’s the next guest? … But that’s fantastic news!’

  ‘Yes, I suppose it is.’ Fiona chewed her fingernail. ‘She was delayed in Paris at the Ideal Pelmet road show …’

  Bella asked Fiona, ‘Am I doing it, then?’

  Fiona looked shifty. ‘Doing?’

  ‘Doing the interview with Juliet Parker?’

  A possible answer as to why Fiona was acting so oddly came to her. She probably thought Bella might fall apart in the presence of such a big celebrity. Juliet had been a top designer on daytime TV in the nineties.

  ‘Fiona, there’s no need to worry!’ said Bella. ‘I’m a huge fan of Juliet Parker. I’m excited, not nervous!’

  Fiona was still looking very guilty indeed. But Bella was too excited about doing an interview with her heroine to worry. Juliet Parker was a legend in the daytime TV world of re-designing homes on a budget.

  Though Juliet usually hosted shows, so it was a bit strange that she was coming on as a guest … But Bella was a professional. Well, she was now.

  ‘I can hardly breathe! The scoop of the century! Juliet Parker on my pilot! Can we have the next props then, Fiona?’

  But Fiona was back on the phone.

  ‘Zee Zee? I’m just phoning to say that you are everything to me, no pressure or anything … I’m just leaving a second message now because I realised you might need two, before you reply … as some sort of test. Also … if your phone’s been robbed and you’re the robber listening to this … could you let me know that he’s safe? And that you haven’t maimed him too badly? His wallet’s in his blazer pocket … help yourself to the Boots’ vouchers but leave thephoto of us horsing around.’

  Bella moved her attention to the audience to keep them as excited as she was.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce someone who is as famous for designing gorgeous sitting rooms as she is for wearing her tight white jeans! And not only that, she is going to help us taste our very own Finger Food summer wine selection!’

  Bella moved back into the kitchen area to see that a tray of opened wine bottles had been laid out with two glasses. She poured herself a glass and raised it in a toast.

  ‘Ready for Juliet! Cue music!’ Yvonne’s voice cut across the studio.

  Bella took a nervous sip. Then it hit her. She was on TV, interviewing Juliet Parker! Surely this called for a celebration drink! The audience were on her side, she knew they were. She took another few gulps of wine.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Juliet Parker!’

  Chapter 9

  With the Finger Foodjingle playing, Juliet Parker made her entrance. All in white. White tight jeans were teamed with a white kaftan top. Her hair was white (with yellow streaks) and her skin pale (white).

  As the wine hit her Bella had a sudden vision of Yvonne and Juliet as black and white queens.

  Juliet’s trousers were also tight but, Bella noticed, hung fashionably from her slim frame. She looked at her own itchy woollen trousers, courtesy of Anna Ford, with regret. Then Juliet swept past her. ‘Hello, hello everyone! At last! I’ve been stuck on Eurostar first class while they sent someone back to Paris to get me another coffee. Juliet swung round to Fiona. ‘I’m dying for a decaf now – I’m all jittery! You couldn’t fetch us a coffee, could you sweetheart?’

  But Fiona had gone a peculiar shade of green. ‘I … I don’t feel so well,’ she managed, looking pleadingly at Bella. ‘All this excitement with Zee Zee. And that food colouring from this morning. I think … I think I’m going to be sick.’

  ‘Go and have a lie down,’ whispered Bella. ‘We can manage without you.’

  She looked at the empty kitchen area. How would the set-up for the final feature get arranged without Fiona? But the poor girl really did look unwell. Bella glanced again at her sweating face.

  ‘Fiona!’ Yvonne’s voice pierced the studio. ‘You’re behind with the raspberry ice cream feature. Get the blender and the cakes on set now!’

  ‘But I …’

  ‘Now! Fiona. Unless you want to be out of a job.’

  Fiona scuttled away looking very ill.

  Juliet waved up towards the gallery.

  ‘Hello, Yvonne, up there in your box … Hello Tony, hello darling! I’m wearing the necklace.’ She pointed to an expensive-looking diamond at her throat.

  ‘OK Tony, where do you want me?’

  Bella opened her mouth and shut it again. Juliet was obviously so used to playing the host that she made a poor guest. Bella would need to take a firmer hand.

  ‘Welcome, Juliet.’ She stepped in to guide her towards the wine selection. ‘If you could come on here.’

  Jul
iet looked confused.

  Bella turned to face the audience and said, ‘She’s just come from Paris to London in one day, ladies and gentleman! You must be exhausted.’

  Juliet smiled with grace. ‘Not as bad as last week. I did Milan, New York and Madrid in one day! Shall we do the wine section now, then? Is the guest not here?’

  Bella paused for a moment. Juliet must be muddled over how many guests would be appearing.

  ‘Well you’re here now!’ said Bella cheerfully. Fiona had clearly not managed to brief Juliet properly, but she could cover for the mistake.

  ‘So shall we get on with it?’ continued Bella, steering Juliet towards the counter.

  Bella poured two glasses of wine and drank a gulp out of both of them. Perhaps she had peaked? She moved back to her seat in a bid to appear more in control.

  ‘I’m starting in five, Juliet, so just to be aware …’ She saw a flutter of paper in Juliet’s hand. Why had Juliet been given a script when she, the presenter, hadn’t?

  ‘Oh! Are you going to pretend to be my guest?’ asked Juliet. ‘They told me there was a double-booking with a wine tasting.’

  The words floated over Bella as she counted herself in with increased confidence. She took another swig of wine. ‘In three, I’ll cue myself, we’re rolling …’

  As the Finger Foodjingle began playing Juliet leaned across. ‘I love your trousers by the way. Whoever said tight wool can flatter was right.’

  The jingle ended and to Bella’s annoyance Juliet stood as though shewere the host and Bella the guest. This was taking things too far. Bella didn’t want Tony to think she was a pushover as a host. She wasn’t going to lose her grip now. Even if Juliet was turning out to be a bit of a control freak. Luckily the wine had given her confidence.

  ‘Ooh Juliet!’ she said, taking her arm with a little more force than was needed. ‘Let’s focus! Talk me through the wine … Being a female designer yourself, you would probably know what kind of labels women are looking for. Wouldn’t you?’