Finger Food

by Helen Lederer

Juliet stared at Bella and paused for a second. ‘Actually,’ she said, in a careful slow voice, ‘why don’t youtake us through the wines since you’re still here and raring to go!’

  Bella looked at Juliet, wondering whether the wine was affecting her more than she realised. Why was Juliet speaking to her as if she was an idiot?

  There were another few seconds of silence.

  ‘So!’ they both said at exactly the same time.

  ‘Oh jinx!’ said Bella. ‘Make a wish! What shall we wish for? I wish I was the highly paid face of Highland Spring facial mist … oh, but you are! How does she do it, ladies and gentlemen … seriously, how do you do it?’

  Bella felt the audience on her side as they all murmured that they really didn’t know. Juliet replied with false modesty.

  ‘It’s been busy season since I left the rainforest.’

  ‘Busy for some!’ said Bella.

  ‘I’m just lucky,’ Juliet flashed back. She flung a tight white denim trouser leg over the other in annoyance, revealing a diamond ankle bracelet that matched the chain around her neck.

  ‘You are not wrong, Juliet,’ Bella said. ‘She is like a rash, ladies and gentleman! She gets on everything!’

  Juliet raised her voice ‘I only ever endorse what I’ve personally used, sat on or tasted.’

  The two women glared at each other, waiting to see who would make the next move.

  Through the slight fogginess of the wine something was slowly dawning on Bella. The script in Juliet’s hand. Fiona’s shiftiness. And, above all, the idea that Yvonne, of all people, would give Bella a chance to be a presenter.

  It suddenly came to her. Yvonne had cast Juliet to be the presenter. Bella had only ever been a stand-in. And now Bella was expected to stand in as a guest for the woman who had her job. On hershow. From heridea.

  Fiona stumbled onto the set carrying the blender and waving her phone with a free hand.

  ‘I got a text!’ she shouted. ‘I got a text!’ Then she leaned forward and was sick in the blender.

  Juliet and Bella, in deadlock, failed to notice. Fiona placed the blender carefully on the counter next to the other cake ingredients.

  ‘What did the text say?’ asked Bella, keeping her eyes locked on Juliet.

  ‘Nothing!’ Fiona wailed. ‘My first blank text! He may be in danger. I’m sorry Bella,’ she added. ‘I know you should be presenting this show. Yvonne wanted me to tell you about Juliet but I couldn’t do it.’

  The penny also dropped for Juliet.

  She leaned close to Bella, her voice low and threatening.

  ‘Listen, love, I’m working with Claire Sweeney in half an hour … I’ve just stepped off a train from Paris … I’ve won awards … do you really think you could host a show like this? Do you really think Tony Trimble would employ you to front-up anything? You are living in a dream world, my lovely …’

  Something snapped in Bella. Her mother, Yvonne, and now this white-clad product placement queen telling her what she wasn’t capable of.

  Bella rose shakily from her wine stool. ‘I may be living in a dream world,’ she said, her voice raised to the same level as Juliet’s. ‘But you’renot going to take it away from me.’

  She picked up a cake knife.

  Juliet’s eyes widened in horror and the audience let out a howl. The St John Ambulance woman stood up, but the man in the bow tie told her to sit down again. He was having the time of his life.

  Bella wielded the knife menacingly.

  ‘Juliet, you’re going to help me now in my stunning daytime TV debut. I’ll be the toast of Take a Break, and housewives up and down the land will pause mid-Dyson to note my handy tips.’

  Bella scanned the kitchen area and her eyes settled on a row of cakes laid out with a blender and raspberries for the final feature.

  ‘We’re going to make a raspberry ice cream, Juliet,’ she said, waving the knife wildly, ‘simple, yet brilliant. To be eaten with any other pudding you can think of. And I’ll be using real raspberries. Have you ever heard of anything real? Finger Foodwill be like daytime TV should have been, with realpersonalities.’

  She took a step closer to Juliet. ‘Go on. Force those raspberries through the sieve.’

  Juliet start to whimper but it seemed none of the audience wanted to help her. Some had taken up a chant: ‘Go Bella! Go Bella!’

  Bella turned to the blender. It was already full of pinkish liquid, which was confusing since the ice cream mix had not yet been made. There was a strange smell to it, too. Not like raspberries at all. She wrinkled her nose.

  ‘You can stop with the raspberries now, Juliet,’ she said brightly. Juliet looked nervously at the knife.

  ‘Taste this ice cream,’ said Bella. ‘Go on, Juliet. Have a taste.’

  Juliet recoiled from the blender, which even Bella had to concede did not look much like any ice cream she’d made before.

  There was a familiar clickety-clicking as Yvonne’s high heels arrived on set.

  ‘Bella!’ she shouted. ‘I will personally see to it that you never work in television again!’

  Fiona grabbed the set of boards which she used to tell the audience what to do and chose the one which said ‘go crazy!’ She shook it at the audience and they immediately started clapping in a crazy way. But this only encouraged Bella to shout over the applause.

  ‘I am the voice of the little people,’ she shouted, waving the knife at the audience. ‘I am the voice of low-brow television. And no, I didn’t get left behind, it’s the formats that got smaller. When I click my fingers. I, Bella Le Parde, will shape the dreams of those who desire a second bathroom with a budget beachhut feel …’

  Yvonne screamed up to the gallery, ‘KILL THE LIGHTS!’

  The set was thrown into darkness. Everyone was quiet.

  Yvonne yelled, ‘PUT THEM ON AGAIN!’

  Bella suddenly felt a little dizzy.

  Yvonne cleared her throat and addressed the audience.

  ‘I have an announcement to make. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see we have a very unusual situation. Bella Le Parde will no longer have a place on Flair 4 Living.’

  Chapter 10

  To Yvonne’s surprise the audience started to boo.

  ‘And Fiona will be sacked for being sick in a TV kitchen implement!’ she added.

  Bella looked at the blender in surprise.

  There were more boos. For a moment Yvonne looked alarmed, but then turned the full force of her fury on Bella, and spoke in a hiss.

  ‘You may have lost me this pilot, Bella, and if you have I will personally see to it that your life is ruined. Now I have to go back and try and persuade Tony Trimble to give this show another chance.’

  She turned and retreated upstairs.

  There was a pause. Juliet eyed the knife in Bella’s hand, as if deciding whether it might be safe to make a run for it.

  From the gallery came the sound of Yvonne speaking in a little-girl voice which Bella had never heard before.

  ‘Tony, darling, once we get rid of Bella we can nail the audience figures! It’s a fantastic idea of mine! You said so yourself.’

  ‘The audience seem to be finding Bella rather … engaging,’ replied Tony.

  ‘Oh darling!’ smooched Yvonne, ‘you’re so sweet when you’re puzzled. Come here. Come closer.’

  ‘Just for a quickie then. My wife promised to check in on the show.’

  A ripple of shock ran through the audience.

  ‘Better than Emmerdale,’ repeated the old man happily.

  There was a sudden scream.

  ‘Noooooooo!’ It was Fiona. She had just made sense of what Yvonne had said about her.

  ‘I need my job!’ she raged. ‘Zee Zee and I are saving for our wedding. I can’t be sacked!’

  She swept the cakes off the counter and threw two wine bottles across the set. They smashed against the neon ‘Finger Food’ sign.

  ‘Nooooo!’ she yelled again, tearing apart the box of melo
n rubbish.

  Bella ran to calm her down. But before she could get to her Fiona had dropped the box and was tearing off her shoes.

  ‘I’ll show them, Zee Zee!’ she screamed, aiming a shoe at the gallery. ‘If it’s an insult for you, it’s an insult for me!’

  By this time Juliet had also understood what was going on up in the gallery. ‘Tony, how could you!’ she asked in disbelief. She then decided that a fit of hysteria might be the best way to get attention. Trapped between Bella and Fiona, the strain was too much. She began wailing at the top of her voice.

  In an instant, the St John Ambulance lady was on set, pushing Juliet onto the sofa and soothing her.

  Normally Bella would have been interested to see the queen of daytime television reduced to wailing. But the moment Fiona had taken her shoes off, all Bella’s attention was on her feet.

  She pointed at Fiona’s toes.

  ‘Fiona! Fiona, your toe.’

  ‘What about it?’ Fiona asked, pausing mid shoe-throw, and wiggling her sixth toe.

  ‘I have one of those as well,’ said Bella. ‘I have six toes too! It runs in the family,’ she added, ‘on the mother’s side.’

  Fiona shrugged. ‘I never knew my mother,’ she said. ‘I was given up for adoption as a baby. The papers said my mother was a Girl Guide who was forced to give me up because of her pushy mother. I’ve only just tracked down my real father ’cos Zee Zee said I had to, and he said that was all true. Oh …’

  She slowly looked at Bella. Bella’s mouth fell open. Could it? Could it be?’ Your father,’ she said very quietly, ‘what is his name?’

  ‘Ian,’ said Fiona, equally quietly, ‘Ian Smith. I wanted to find my real parents because of the wedding. But I only found one of them.’

  ‘Fiona!’ Bella could hardly breathe. ‘It was me! I was the Girl Guide! I was the one who gave you up. And I’ve wished every day since …’ The words began to choke her. ‘Every day since, that I’d kept you.’

  Fiona gasped. Bella threw off her shoes and waved her six-toed foot at Fiona who waved hers back. The audience went wild.

  Bella ran to Fiona and they embraced.

  There was a party atmosphere on set. The camera was rolling and it looked like a very happy TV show. Fiona’s phone went and this time it really was Zee Zee. She gave him a long excited run-down of the events of the morning, leading to discovering her long-lost mother.

  When she came off the phone she took Bella’s hand.

  ‘Zee Zee’s looking forward to meeting you!’ she said. ‘He doesn’t care that I’m out of a job and we can’t afford to get married.’

  Bella beamed back at her. She had found the daughter she’d always dreamed of. And, somehow, her dream of being a presenter seemed less important. TV could wait, she decided. She would introduce Fiona to Carmel’s tea shop and they would catch up on all the years they had lost. She might try to reserve the window seat in advance.

  Of course, there was just a tiny tinge of sadness, and who wouldn’t be just a bit sad? Her career as a food presenter was over before it had started. But more importantly she felt sorry for Fiona. It was Bella’s fault she was out of a job.

  The soothing had calmed Juliet down. Now she was no longer wailing, Yvonne and Tony could be heard talking in the gallery.

  ‘My wife will pull the plug on everything if we can’t justify the money spent on Finger Food,’ said Tony.

  Bella looked at the cameras. They had been rolling the entire time. She walked to the nearest one and asked the cameraman to give her the tape. He did so with pleasure. Everything Yvonne and Tony had said was on record. Even the things that Yvonne thought no one else could hear.

  Bella cleared her throat.

  ‘Could I have silence please?’ She called up to the gallery, ‘Yvonne! Here’s an idea that might help you out of your tangled web. No one thought to tell you that your microphone has been on for this entire pilot. And down here on set we’ve all been able to hear everything. Everything.’ Bella paused to let the words sink in.

  ‘If you give me back MY pilot as a series,’ she continued, ‘with Fiona as floor manager, I will agree not to tell Tony’s wife that Tony, you and Juliet are in a little trio. If you get me.’ She waved the tape. ‘It’s all been recorded.’

  ‘Tony? You and Juliet?’ Yvonne spoke for the first time.

  Tony sounded guilty. ‘It was only the once, Yvonne. Nothing happened.’

  ‘So.’ Bella decided to make an offer to Tony. ‘Since Yvonne seems to be speechless I’ll make youan offer you can’t refuse. I present Finger Food, which is my idea in any case, and Fiona keeps her job.’

  Tony emerged on the gallery balcony, straightening his clothing. He looked at the audience and then at Bella.

  ‘Bella, I thought you were magnificent,’ he said. ‘The audience loved it. I think the show could really work with you at the helm. And,’ he winked at Fiona and did that funny thing with his tongue in the cheek again, ‘the pair of you as a double act work perfectly.’ He blew a kiss.

  Bella waved her hand dismissively.

  ‘Oh, keep your kisses for Yvonne. She’s such a trustworthy, open-hearted, kind, warm person how could anyone resist?’

  The audience booed loudly.

  Tony smiled. ‘It’s a deal.’

  Chapter 11

  The church organist was playing a Middle Eastern melody with some difficulty. Three Moroccan folk dancers joined in as best they could with flutes and drums.

  Under the hypnotic effect of the music the guests were swaying as if in a trance. Roses and crystals decorated every seat and a handsome young man was waiting anxiously by the altar.

  Bella sat at the front, proudly awaiting the bride. She was wearing a rose-print dress with little crystals on the collar. Next to her sat Carmel in a cream suit and, on her other side, sat Bella’s own mother, clutching a lace hankie in readiness. Once Fiona had been found, her grandmother had admitted that she too had always regretted the decision to give her away. She had carried her guilt all through Bella’s career but had never once spoken of it. Their relationship had still not recovered – that would be perhaps too much to ask – but Bella’s mother was thankful that her daughter had been generous enough to include her in the special day.

  As the music changed pace they turned to see Fiona enter the modern, slightly wacky, church. She made her way up the aisle, which had been decorated with crystal roses and Moroccan carpets and bottles of musk oil. The latter were wedding gifts from Zee Zee’s family.

  All faces strained to get a look at The Dress.

  Bella wiped away a tear. Here at last was her dream dress. No longer a dream, and worn by the most special person in her life.

  At Fiona’s side was a man she recognised. It couldn’t be, but it was. Those hazel eyes and shy smile … Yes! Her boyfriend of all those years ago was walking his daughter down the aisle.

  Fiona had said there might be the odd surprise, but Bella thought it was just the unusual drumming. She had prepared herself by bringing the earplugs she used for long coach journeys.

  Bella looked again. He had hardly changed. A slightly stockier version and not bad-looking at all. Bella assumed he must have a lovely wife and family somewhere and felt a stab of regret. Perhaps he had other children. Perhaps there would be a step-family to meet. Bella drove away these thoughts. Instead she focussed on The Dress. It perfectly reflected Fiona’s beautiful gleaming skin and bright hazel eyes. The rose and the crystals shone in the sunlight of the church. The antique lace fluttered, the chiffon sparkled and everything looked as it was supposed to do. It was surely a moment to savour.

  The vicar had already proved himself a modern kind of vicar with a sense of humour. As Fiona reached for her husband-to-be’s hand, Bella’s mother and Bella held each other’s hands to brace themselves for more bad jokes.

  ‘It seems this young couple have a lot to be thankful for,’ said the vicar. ‘Not only is our bride a wonder at whipping up an audience, but her mothe
r is just as good at whipping up a de-fuzzed coconut. A photo of which takes pride of place next to the collection box. Hint hint. Welcome to the entire audience of Finger Food … Some of you camped out last night to get a seat today …’

  The old people in the crowd cheered.

  ‘Go Fiona! Go Bella!’

  Zee Zee roared with laughter and hugged his bride while he winked at Bella. Bella’s mother looked quite shocked but managed a smile. She had to be on her best behaviour from now on. She had a lot to make up for.

  At the wedding party afterwards, Bella tucked into the rose and crystal wedding cake. Through the happy crowd, Fiona approached, with a tall man on her arm. Bella felt her stomach twist at the sight of the familiar face.

  ‘Hello, Ian,’ she said, battling to keep the tremor from her voice.

  He still had the same twinkle.

  Fiona leaned in to whisper in her mother’s ear. ‘He’s a widower, has been for years! Kids live in Australia. How neat is that?’ And with a quick kiss on Bella’s cheek, Fiona slipped away.

  Ian cleared his throat and offered Bella a small object from behind his back.

  A small slice of carrot cake with a rose and a crystal on top.