What You Do To Me (Unexpected Love)

by Izzy Cullen

  “I’m so sorry. I called Lexi and Derek, but they didn’t answer. I shouldn’t have called you.” I couldn’t believe I called him, why would I call him? We just met and we weren’t really friends, even though I felt a connection, it didn’t mean he felt anything.

  “I’m glad you called. I just wish I were the first person you would think of calling when you feel like this. So, what happened with your mom?”

  I paused for a moment, thinking about the first part of what he had said, and then realized there was a question attached. I finally answered and told him about the day with the girls and the rush to get to my parents. I told him about her comments and how I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for her and how she made me feel like I didn’t deserve the girls. Alex didn’t defend her, but he didn’t exactly tell me my behavior was acceptable. He listened and I never felt judged. It wasn’t until my phone beeped with Lexi calling, which I ignored, that I looked at the time.

  “Shit,” I’m late getting the girls, so I’m sure I’ll hear about this too. I stood and started walking towards the car.

  “What?” Alex responded.

  “I told my parents I’d be back for the girls and now I’m late. Another selfish act made by Abrianna Porter.” I was sure Alex could hear the irritation in my voice.

  “I haven’t said much, because I felt like you just needed me to listen, but Abby maybe you and your mom should sit down and talk about all this. Maybe she’s saying the things she says, not to judge or make you feel like crap, but out of love in her own twisted way.” His voice was quieter when he was saying that, as if he was worried I’d yell at him for saying anything that remotely sounded like he was defending her actions.

  “No, I can’t sit down with her to talk about any of this. I’m done taking her abuse. She can have a relationship with the girls, but I’m done dealing with her,” I said and I truly meant it. I was sick of being that weak person who allowed everyone and anyone to treat her like a worthless nobody. I allowed David to treat me that way for years and I wouldn’t allow my mother or anybody else to treat me that way again. I should have stopped David years ago. I got in the car and started driving back to my parents.

  “Abby, you may want to think about this. I don’t know your mother or the history, but talk before you cut her out.” Alex’s voice was almost pleading, but he didn’t say anymore.

  “You’re right, you don’t know the history. I have to do this. I’m not going to be that doormat anymore, I can’t. Alex, I’m almost to my parents, I have to go. Thank you for listening and I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Abby, I’m heading back to the hotel. If you need me, please call, I mean it. I like hearing your voice even through the tears.” I told Alex bye and we hung up. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see my mother.

  When I got to my parents, I walked in and my dad was in the kitchen. He was finishing the dishes. He wiped his hands on a towel and wrapped his arms around me. I felt the tears building in my eyes, but I refused to cry anymore.

  “Where are the girls?” I asked trying to keep my voice from sounding shaky.

  “Your mother has them in the bath.”

  “What, are you fucking kidding me?” The anger was there again and I wanted to scream.

  “Abrianna Sullivan O’Hare, we do not talk like that in this house.” My father pushed me at arm’s length, looking me in the eyes.

  “My last name is no longer O’Hare, it’s Porter, and if I could get rid of the second last name, I would, but that wretched woman had to make sure I was cursed with her last name forever.” I spat this at him and I could see the hurt in his eyes. My dad wasn’t the one I wanted to hurt.

  “You will always be an O’Hare, my girl, and I’m not the one you’re mad at, remember.”

  “Yes, I know. You don’t need to remind me.”

  “Well, I thought we would keep the girls here for the night. We haven’t spent any real time with them in a while. So, Bri what do you say, can you let us keep them for the night?” He already knew the answer, but unlike my mother, he at least acted as if he was giving me a say in this matter.

  “Sure, but I want them home by eleven so we can go to the beach so I can expose them to UV rays and skin cancer.”

  “Bri, let it go, she doesn’t mean it. I think you two should sit down and talk.” What the hell? Had he and Alex talked before I got here?

  “No, Dad, I’m done talking to her. I’m done with her. I won’t keep the girls from her, but I won’t take this crap from her anymore. So, I’ll see you Thursday for my shift. Tell your wife I’ll drop the girls off at four for the night.” I reached up, kissed my dad on the cheek, turned, and walked out the door.

  I climbed in my car and dug out my phone. “Get your ass ready, I’ll be there in five minutes. We are getting drunk tonight.” I hung up and headed to Lexi’s.

  12.

  I woke up and couldn’t open my eyes. The sun was way too bright. I could smell the coffee, but I didn’t seem to be in any state to get to the coffee.

  “Good, you are alive.” It was Lexi’s voice.

  Not opening my eyes, I asked, “What time is it?” I realized the couch I was on was Lexi’s and not my own.

  “It’s quarter to nine. I have to get to work. Sober your ass up and get home before dragon lady drops off your girls.”

  “Dragon lady? What?” I’m confused.

  “Your mother, that’s what you called her all night, dragon lady, but instead of fire, she breathes meanness and cruel words.” Oh, my god, did I really refer to her as that all night? I was trying to think back to the night before.

  Lexi was now grabbing my hand and placing a coffee mug in it. Remember, Abby, what the hell did you do last night. Christ there was dancing and the guy, crap who was the guy? “Lexi, who was I dancing with?”

  “At least, you remember some,” she is now laughing. “Abby, I haven’t seen you dance like that in years. You were hot; most of the tourists tried taking you home and most the townies had their jaws on the floor. It was classic.”

  “Tell me you’re kidding.” Please let this be some cruel joke on Lexi’s part, I was silently pleading.

  “Nope, you could’ve knocked the one night stand off the list, but all you kept telling the guys is you have a tattooed boyfriend, who is hotter than hot with magic hands.” Oh, God, I’ll never recover from this embarrassment.

  “No. I didn’t. Please tell me I didn’t,” I was starting to feel nauseous and I thought I might puke.

  “Sorry, no can do, because you did. Just be glad that after you called Alex and after the first few minutes of conversation, I took the phone from you.” Christ, I was going to be sick. I finally opened my eyes and ran to the bathroom. “Anyway, shower and get your ass home. Turn the coffee pot off.” As I was throwing up, I heard the door shut.

  When I finally made it back into the living room, I sank to the floor with my back to the couch. I grabbed the coffee and started sipping it. I found my purse next to the couch, picked up my phone, and saw missed calls from Derek. I went to my call log and saw that I did call Alex last night. There was no way I could call or talk to him today. If he called, I was not picking up.

  I jumped into Lexi’s shower, and after cleaning up, I headed home. Luckily, Lexi was sober enough to drive my car back to her house last night. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and made myself some toast. I heard car doors slamming, and after looking at the clock, I realized it must be the girls. I met the girls at the door and there was my mother walking up the driveway. Let the fun begin.

  “Well, Ginger called and said you had fun last night. I didn’t believe it, but since you are still in your clothes from last night, I guess it is true.” I saw her searching me up and down as if any evidence of anything would be on my body.

  “Girls, go inside so I can talk to your grandmother for a minute.” I waited until the girls were in the house and I turned back to my mother. “I am a grown woman and how I live my life is my business
. You obviously do not agree with my choices or what I do, so I won’t subject you to watching me behave so poorly.” My mother’s eyes were getting wider. Her hand reached up, and she placed it on her heart. “I’m hoping Dad already told you this, but if he didn’t I’ll fill you in. I am no longer keeping you as a part of my life. You will still be a part of the girl’s lives, but not mine, because I am done.” Not waiting for a reply, I walked into the house and slammed the door.

  The girls and I changed and packed up for the beach. Again, it was a quiet day at the beach, which I was happy about, since I was nursing a hangover that I very much deserved. After we got home, I ordered us a pizza. I gave the girls a bath while we waited and I had them jump into pajamas. Once the pizza got there, I fed the girls dinner and headed for the shower. As the water hit me, I tried to remember what I did the night before, but I was more concerned with what I said to Alex on the phone.

  Getting out of the shower, I heard the home phone ring. That surprised me, because nobody called my home phone anymore. I walked into the bedroom and grabbed the phone. “Hello.”

  “Why haven’t you called me back?” I heard Derek on the other end. “You called me, obviously crying and I’ve been calling all day. By all day, I mean that I’ve called basically every half hour today. Christ, I’ve aged a good five years.”

  “Seriously, Derek, if I didn’t know what a man whore you were, I would think you were gay with all your drama, not that being gay is a bad thing.”

  “Well, it would be in my case for you. You would never be able to live out your fantasy of ravishing me like you dream about.” I wondered if he really thought that in his mind at times. “Speaking of drama, what is with the voicemail, and then no response?”

  “Like you don’t know. I’m sure you already called Lexi the minute I didn’t answer.” I knew this was true. It was their pattern. The minute I didn’t respond, they would call the other to see what was going on, so they could try to fix me.

  “Okay, I did talk to her last night while you two were at the bar. It sounds like I missed a lot.”

  “No, not really and if you know, why call me?” I was starting to get annoyed and cold, standing in my room talking on the phone in just a towel.

  “I wanted to hear from you that you were okay. I can’t stand knowing you are upset. When I finally heard the message last night, and then you wouldn’t pick up, I almost drove to Michigan.” I knew this was true. He had done it twice before in the last eight months.

  “I’m fine. The girls and I spent the day at the beach. Hey, can I call you tomorrow? I’m not in a talkative mood. Besides, I just got out of the shower and I’m standing here in a towel.”

  “Really, just a towel. God, why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

  Why did I give him that piece of information?

  “I’ll call you tomorrow when I am fully clothed.” I hung up the phone and quickly dressed in a pair of yoga pants and tank top. I headed downstairs and cleaned up the pizza. The girls and I curled up on the couch and put in a movie. After the second movie, the twins fell asleep and I carried them upstairs. I realized I wouldn’t be doing that much longer, because they were getting way too heavy for me to carry anymore.

  Lily was still up awake so I had her help me shut things off and lock up. I asked her if she wanted to sleep with me tonight. It had been awhile since she’d slept with me, probably when she was last sick. When we crawled into bed, I wrapped my arms around Lily and kissed the top of her head. “You know, baby girl, I love you more than anything.”

  “To the moon and back?” This was always our thing when she was little.

  “Yes, to the moon and back and still some more.” I kissed her again and nuzzled my nose into her hair.

  “Mommy, can I ask you something?” I could hear her voice growing smaller.

  “Anything, baby, you can ask me anything anytime you want.” I wanted my girls to feel comfortable talking to me. I wanted them to have a relationship with me because I didn’t have the openness with my mom.

  “Mommy, did you and Daddy love each other?” I was taken back by this question and I was not sure where it was coming from.

  “Lil, honey, I loved your daddy, but why are you asking?”

  “I was at Sophie’s house and I saw her parents. They held hands, kissed, and smiled a lot. You and daddy never did any of that, how come?” I didn’t know if I could answer it, because she was right. David and I never did any of that, especially in front of the girls.

  “Well, Lil, people show love in different ways and that wasn’t one of the ways your daddy showed love.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. One day, I would explain more. I wasn’t lying to her. I did love David. He gave me the girls, but towards the end, I stayed because I was married, not because my heart was there and David did the same, except he dated on the side.

  “Mommy, did Daddy love us?” I felt pain in my heart that she would think her dad didn’t love her. At that point, I was fighting back tears.

  “Lil, of course, your daddy loved you, you were his baby girl. He loved you and your sisters, more than you know.”

  “Then why didn’t daddy ever tell us? Sophie’s daddy tells her all the time he loves her.” Tears were now streaming down my face and I couldn’t get any words out with the lump in my throat. “Uncle Derek always tells us he loves us.” I felt my heart breaking and I realized I hadn’t stopped to think of how the girls were affected by my relationship with David. I stayed with him, thinking that I was helping the girls, but in reality, I was harming them by subjecting them to our toxic relationship. I finally swallowed the lump down.

  “Baby, everyone who meets you loves you. I love you more than you will ever know. I know your daddy loved you, but you have so many more people in your life that love you, Uncle Derek, Lexi, Papa and Grandma. Don’t ever worry about not being loved, because you are more than loved.” I held Lily until she fell asleep and then I cried. I cried because I hated myself for allowing my child to feel that she wasn’t loved and it was my fault. Holding her, I realized I couldn’t let anyone back into my life that wasn’t already there. This conversation showed that allowing the girls to get attached and having it taken away because of me, would hurt them or having someone in their lives who couldn’t love them like their own, would make them feel not good enough. I couldn’t have Lily ever questioning whether she was loved or not again. I finally cried myself to sleep, still holding Lily.

  13.

  I woke up early the next morning, at first, just lying there watching Lily sleep. I eventually got up and decided I would make the girls a big breakfast like old times. Walking into the kitchen, I saw my cell phone on the charger and I picked it up for the first time since early yesterday morning. Geez, Derek wasn’t kidding, I had eighteen missed calls from him and four voicemails. Lexi had called twice and Alex called three times and sent three texts. I opened up my texts and read what Alex sent.

  I’m trusting Lexi got you home safe, so call me when you feel up to it.

  That was sent around 2 a.m. after going out with Lexi.

  The second, Call me I need to hear your voice and I can’t stop thinking about you. And the last was sent last night, Call me, I feel like you are avoiding me today. Let’s talk about the phone call last night.

  That is the thing. I didn’t want to talk about the phone call I couldn’t remember and I couldn’t have him in my life. I didn’t know how to tell him that, so ignoring him might just be the easiest thing to do. If only I was able to say that to him.

  While I was making pancakes and waiting for the girls to rise from the dead, Lexi walked through the door.

  “Morning, what smells so good?” She said, as she walked through the entry of the kitchen.

  “Coffee?” Holding a mug in the air and not waiting for a reply, I poured her a cup. “Pancakes and sausage, I haven’t made a good breakfast in a while.”

  “Your guilt breakfast. What are you guilty about?” I hated that she knew me so well, but
I couldn’t tell her what Lily said to me last night, because it still hurt to think about.

  “Guilt for the fact they have been eating cereal and toast every morning. I need to step up a bit in the mom department.”

  “Whatever, Mom of the Year, please if cereal is the worst crime you commit in the parenting world, you’re good.”

  “What is up with the early morning visit? Not really like you and you know it,” I said, looking her right in the eyes.

  “Well, you didn’t return my calls, and I’m guessing Derek’s either, since he called me three separate times yesterday. I’m just making sure everyone is still breathing in the Porter household, which you are, so I’ll head to work.”

  “I talked to Derek last night. He called the house phone and yes, we are still breathing. Hey, isn’t tonight your hot date? You better call me with all the details and if the call is tomorrow, I’ll understand.” I shot Lexi a wink.

  “Yes, it’s tonight and you know I love to kiss and tell, so don’t worry. You’ll hear everything. I don’t need to be drunk to spill my sexcapades.” She threw an evil grin at me and I immediately frowned. “Hey, why the long face? I’m happy for you, and Alex sounds like a great guy. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “There will be no meeting, Alex. I’ve decided it’s way too soon to bring anyone into the girl’s lives, especially someone who can’t love them as their own.” Lexi would understand that, she would want to protect the girls too.

  “Did he say that, that he couldn’t love the girls?” Her face had hardened a bit now.

  “Not exactly, but not many guys can, and I’m not going to chance having them get attached and him not care about them,” I said, feeling sure I was making the right choice.

  “Listen, you need to tell him and let him have the chance to decide if he can be a part of your life and the girls. Don’t make the decision for him.” Lexi walked over, set the coffee cup by the sink, and hugged me. “I have to go, but if you want to talk more about this, I’ll stop by after my date. I love you, Abbs, give him a chance to choose.” She turned and headed for the door. I knew she was right, but I couldn’t talk to Alex about my fears. I didn’t even know if he wanted a relationship like that and I’d feel like an idiot bringing it up if he didn’t. It was just easier to ignore him.