Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  Before leaving the comfort of my car, I called Miles, spinning a line about a sick relative before asking him if it was okay if I worked my three days at the end of the week, to give me a little more breathing space to get back down to Ashill. Thankfully, he was fine. At least I wouldn’t have to rush back today. I wanted to be able spend some time with James, not just have a barney and leave. I’d done enough of that with Jamie.

  Thankfully, it was still early, releasing me from having to make small talk with our receptionist, Helen. I Knocked on the door and then opened it and poked my head into his office. He was on the phone but quickly ended his call when he spotted me and waved me in.

  “Howdy, partner. Where’s your four-legged friend?” he asked, moving his head to one side to check behind me.

  “At my parents’ place.”

  “Are you okay? I tried to call you a few times.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thought I’d visit, see how the empire is building.”

  “Umm!” He steepled his fingers in front of him. “Well the Death Star build is still on target, but the Rebel Alliance are still giving us trouble.”

  “I see,” I said with raised eyebrows. “You need to send in the Borg; they’ll assimilate them.”

  “Uh, I think you might be mixing your movie franchises.”

  “Oh, really? Science fiction isn’t my bag I’m afraid.” I stood hovering in front of his desk, unsure where to sit. I didn’t want it to be a formal conversation. We were more than just colleagues.

  “Moved anyone in yet?” I asked, nodding towards my office next door.

  “Of course not. It’s free whenever you want it. Besides, there’s a bad smell in there we can’t seem to get rid of.”

  The smell of treachery, I thought to myself. “I keep telling you, just because it doesn’t smell of sweaty boys doesn’t mean it’s bad.” I walked over to the small sofa and armchairs he’d installed by the window for team meetings.

  “What’s up?” he asked again.

  “I think you know why I’m here. I need to hear it from you,” I said firmly, meeting his eyes.

  He sat back in his chair. I wondered if he’d been on the phone to Jamie as I walked in, as my request didn’t seem to faze him at all.

  “It wasn’t really my decision to make … but I agreed with Jamie at the time. She did it to save you both, I guess. It was … I don’t know, maybe it seemed like her only solution. She had to make a decision. She’d waited as long as she could. Her aunt went downhill pretty quickly.”

  “Not long enough,” I said under my breath.

  “Hey!” he half-shouted, getting up from behind his desk. His tall frame moved quickly, towering above me. “It’s not like you’ve remembered it all … Well, is it?”

  I’d rarely seen him this angry. “I remember some stuff. It’s just jumbled up.”

  “You mean now, almost a year and a half later. At the time the doctors said that you might never recover your memories, at all. How long should she have waited?”

  His voice was still loud. I wondered how many people could hear us outside his office.

  “I don’t know,” I said in a frustrated tone.

  “How long would you have waited?” he asked pointedly.

  “Longer!” I shouted, getting up. I paced around his office while he glared at me. “I’m sorry, I just feel lied to … Please, tell me what happened that day.”

  He moved back, perching on the edge of his desk. “Hasn’t Jamie told–?”

  I cut him off. “I want you to tell me.”

  He repositioned his feet on the floor, steadying his position as if deciding where to start. “We’d both been in London, meeting with a new client for a couple of days. On the Friday afternoon, we went our separate ways. You were going off to Suffolk to stay with Jamie’s aunt and I was coming back here.”

  “She didn’t know Lou was ill yet?” I asked.

  “No. I don’t think so. She’d kept it from everyone, refusing treatment. Jamie found a letter from the hospital after she got there.”

  “Shit!” I said quietly to myself, realising that Lou must have been pretty ill already.

  “On my way back, the traffic was terrible.” He took a deep breath. “I was barely halfway home when I got a phone call. I thought it was you telling me you were already paddling in the sea or something. But it was the hospital informing me that you had had an accident and that I was your attorney and that I should come to the hospital. I called Jamie, told her what I knew, which was nothing as they couldn’t tell me about your condition. Jamie was already there when I got there. They told me how serious it was, let me see you. I managed to get Jamie in, too, then I called your parents.”

  “God! I’m so sorry I put you through all that next of kin stuff. I did it years ago. You probably don’t even remember signing it, do you? I just didn’t want my parents to be the only ones involved, especially as they’re never around.”

  “It’s okay. I know what you mean. As soon as they turned up they started taking over.”

  I was quiet for a few moments as the information sank in. I hated to think it, but my parents seemed to have an agenda when they had shoehorned themselves back into my life. I couldn’t fault their efforts in visiting me during my initial recovery. I was thankful for their familiarity regardless of the rift between us, but, ultimately, their hope was that they could steer certain aspects of my life in a direction more to their liking. But they weren’t the only ones.

  “How did you do it?” I asked, wanting all the gory details. “Erase her from my life.”

  He looked shocked and hurt at my words.

  “Sorry.” I said half-heartedly.

  “I took your phone … told your parents that it had some work stuff on it I needed. I already had a spare key to your flat … I removed anything that was related to Jamie.”

  “What did you do with it?” I asked, wanting something tangible.

  “I still have your phone. There wasn’t much at your place. I think you only took her there once.”

  “She was at my flat?” I asked, a little shocked, remembering Jamie’s comment about my cereal cupboard. It was rare for me to invite someone into my inner sanctum.

  “You brought her back from York one weekend,” James confirmed. “We met up for lunch. Listen to me, Rob.” His voice softened. “I saw her. I know how broken up she was.”

  “Can I have it?” I asked, ignoring his words as I walked up to him. “My phone?” I asked again. I hoped it would contain something of our time together, maybe some texts, a few photos at the least.

  He walked back to the other side of his desk. Rummaging through a drawer, he pulled out a battered iPhone. “It’s pancaked. It needs charging,” he said as he handed it to me.

  I studied it for a few seconds, seeing the crack running across the screen. Apart from being a little damaged, it looked just like my current phone. He must have replaced it, hoping I would never know. I slipped it into my back pocket before retreating to perch on the arm of the sofa.

  “Jamie didn’t just decide to walk away. You weren’t even there most of the time; you were so groggy. She was dealing with so much all at once … Trust me, she didn’t want to make the decision, but she was being pulled in so many directions. She was very close to her aunt.”

  “Yeah … I know. I met her, apparently.” My tone was bordering on arrogant.

  “Finding out your favourite aunt has a couple of months to live on the same night as your girlfriend has a near-fatal car accident … well … just one is devastating but both at the same time …”

  I looked away, unable to keep eye contact with him any longer. I could feel my eyes bulging with tears as I fiddled with my hands in my lap. My high ground was crumbling around me. I rubbed at my eyes with my thumb and forefinger in an effort to stem the tears.

  “Come on, Rob. You know what your parents are like, keeping guard. They wouldn’t even let her see you. I had to sneak her in with me.”

  I had
to take a deep breath before I could answer. “She told me … Thank you, for helping her.” I covered my face with my hands. “It just feels like she gave up on me.” I felt his hands on my shoulders as he pulled me into his arms. I buried my face against his shoulder as he continued to speak softly next to my ear.

  “No, she didn’t. I took her to see you at the rehab centre once, but there was nothing. You recognised me and your parents of course, but not Jamie … She couldn’t go on torturing herself.”

  “I don’t remember seeing her there at all.” My voice had turned blubbery. “I remember filling in the colouring book, but not her.”

  “Exactly.”

  “If she’d have waited a little longer.”

  His hands appeared on my shoulders again. Pulling back, he looked at me as I hastily wiped at my fallen tears.

  “That’s a big if. What made you remember her?” His voice was soft when he spoke.

  I met his eyes as I spoke. “I’ve been having weird dreams about a woman since just before I left the rehab centre. Don’t laugh,” I said to him firmly as a crooked smile appeared on his face. “It was always the same one. It was her. I knew the moment I saw her in Ashill.” In my mind I saw her shocked face that had greeted me in the carpark a couple of weeks ago.

  “Is that why you went there?”

  “I don’t know. I remembered the name of the place from somewhere in the back of my mind. Jamie told me I was on my way there when I crashed.”

  “She called me after she’d seen you. She was … to be honest I’m not sure if she was happy or angry. If she were a sausage she’d be a Peperami!”

  I sniggered a little, picturing a very angry sausage stomping around Jamie’s living room. “I’m a bit worried about seeing her again after walking out on her yesterday morning.”

  “We’ve kept in touch since your accident,” James admitted.

  “I know.”

  “She wanted to make sure you were okay. She called or emailed a couple of times a month to see if there were any changes.”

  “Every month?” I repeated. Jamie hadn’t totally walked away. I felt my stomach start to churn.

  “I think she was hopeful you’d eventually ask about her or mention her. Why didn’t you tell me about your dreams?”

  I cocked my head to one side. “Really?”

  “You know what I mean,” he said with a whisper of a grin.

  “There was nothing to suggest there was anybody to ask about. I guess I thought it was all in my head.”

  “I’m sorry, Rob … If I’d known that you remembered her I’d have told you everything.”

  I smiled despite my frustrations. Everyone was trying to save me from myself, yet I’d still managed to tie myself in knots. “I know … There’s something I wanted to ask you. I found a ring in my possessions from the hospital. Do you know anything about it?”

  He used a hand to rub the side of his face. I could hear the bristling of his stubble against his fingers. “Umm … No. I don’t think so … What kind of ring?”

  “I’m not sure,” I said, observing his reaction.

  He shrugged his shoulders in reply.

  I really wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he was holding something back. I dismissed it, not wanting to overshadow our restored bond, my need for confrontation abated.

  “I do miss our chats like this.”

  I smiled. “Me too.”

  “You know my job’s only seasonal, right? My contact ends in September. I could try again.” I wasn’t sure if it was getting back to work or finally meeting up with Jamie, but I certainly felt less fuzzy and more focussed. I wasn’t back to my regular self, I knew that, but my concentration had definitely improved.

  “Here?” He elucidated my question.

  “Yeah … I feel a lot better now I’m doing something. I think I’ve got to grips with this working lark now.”

  “About time. You’re thirty-four now. Better late than never.”

  “What can I say? I like to ease into things.”

  “I can see that.” His smile was wide with relief.

  I mirrored his smile, feeling some of the tension I’d had about talking to him evaporate. I was thankful that Jamie’s fears about our relationship were unfounded. I couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine a situation where James wouldn’t be part of my life.

  “Can you stick around for a bit, or do you have to go and save furry face from the evil stepmother?”

  I grinned at his nickname for my mother. “Actually, we might have had a bit of a breakthrough on that front.”

  “Oh really? Finally, you’ve melted the ice queen.”

  “Maybe. I have to be back at work on Wednesday. What did you have in mind?”

  “I thought maybe we could take a look at the Bonnington Hall site this afternoon.”

  “Aren’t you busy?” I questioned.

  “I could spare a few hours, take a few more pictures for future projects.”

  “Yeah, that’d be great.”

  “Give me an hour to sort a few things out before we go.”

  “Sure, I’ll be next door,” I said, pointing through the glass to my office. I took the opportunity to familiarise myself with the Bonnington Hall project. I dug in my desk drawers for the Post-it note on which I had scrawled the password for my computer. Opening up various Bonnington files, I found aerial maps and plans for the site. It was a sizable area to landscape. I hoped we’d lived up to our promise on this occasion. Looking at the dates for the various stages of the project, I saw that they coincided with my relationship with Jamie. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been around for the final handover in the January. Sitting back in my chair, my eyes were drawn to the far wall. It was filled with sketched-out designs and images for the projects we’d been working on. I got up to take a closer look; there were a number of images, snippets from magazines combined with an obvious influence of land art: fantastic, sculpted landscapes and delicately crafted structures made from natural materials.

  ***

  The drive from Manchester was swift as we chatted about the various projects James was in the process of working on. In the course of traveling east across the country, the weather had declined; the sun that had greeted me in the morning had become smothered in grey cloud. I hoped it would hold off long enough to walk the site at Bonnington Hall.

  “So, tell me about the ice melt,” James said, his voice chirpy.

  “Ah … well, it turns out that my father, as I’d suspected for some time, is not quite faithful.”

  “Oh, shit! Sorry.”

  “She’s never talked about it before, but we cleared the air about a lot of things in our relationship and I have to say I’m pretty hopeful things might actually change between us.”

  “That’s great. Did you talk about Jamie?”

  “We did. Is that it?” I asked, pointing to the large house peaking over the top of the hedgerow on our left. I was grateful for the interruption, not wanting to rehash things we had already sorted out.

  “Yeah.”

  The large, four-storey house loomed large in the surrounding landscape when the trees parted. We pulled into the main driveway, coming face-to-face with the main house before taking a left into a large carpark. The surface had been reinforced with mesh, allowing the grass to grow through and the water to drain away, preventing erosion and puddles.

  Pulling on my jacket, I walked over to the large information boards to view the hefty map of the site. It was impressive, made from enormous carved planks of green timber, felled from the site I presumed. The surface of the wood remained hand-carved, detailing the various areas of the site with delicate symbols. It was beautiful.

  “This looks amazing.”

  I noticed from the information boards flanking the map that there were a number of educational classes available for different age groups from primary to adults. The topics were varied from simple pond dipping to pollination and grass identification. I would have loved
somewhere like this on my doorstep as a child.

  “Wait till you see the bird hide,” James said as he stood next to me.

  I looked at his grin then back at the map, scanning for the bird hide. From its location on the map, it looked to have great views across the wetland and reed beds. “What are we waiting for?”

  Heading off through the site, I spotted some den-building activities in the coppice woodlands. We followed the undulating landscape marked with coloured posts. Skirting along the edge of the woodland, we headed in the direction of the reed beds. There was still no sight of the illustrious bird hide on the horizon.

  “Have you been reintroduced to Jamie’s fiery side yet?” James enquired.

  “No … not yet … How fiery are we talking?” I asked, recalling her little speech on what she wanted to do to me when we were in her bed the other night, which was more sexy than fiery.

  “Well, let’s just say I think she’ll be a suitable challenge for you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice.

  He laughed at my words. “I just remember you saying she kicked like a mule when she got going.”

  I let his words sink in as we walked. She certainly hadn’t shown that in the time that I’d spent with her lately. Maybe my quick exit had prevented her wrath, although as I recalled events, she didn’t look like she was in any state to erupt.

  Walking closer to the treeline ahead, I could make out a shape more clearly. It was a large, oval object covered in wooden shingles. They’d already started to change colour, blending into the landscape around us. It reminded me of the picture I’d seen on my office wall earlier of a large ball-shaped pod in a sculpture park.

  “Wow, it’s like the picture on my wall.”