Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

Two hours later, Kane came padding out of the bedroom stark naked, stretching his arms above his head and looking every inch the delicious rock star, not to mention he was sporting another large erection. “Hey, Jo, are you okay?”

  I felt desperately self-conscious again and chided myself for being such a pushover with him. Struggling to keep my eyes on his face, I answered truthfully, “Erm, yeah, I’m just not used to doing a one and done event, is all. I’m not that kind of girl, and I feel like a slut for making it happen.”

  Concern clouded his eyes, and he frowned. “Look at you. There is absolutely nothing slutty about you, Jo. Get that out of your head right now, you are a stunningly beautiful and desirable woman, that’s why that happened between us,” he said as he stroked my hair. He gave me a soft smile of reassurance as he leaned on the arm of the sofa beside me and crouched down to be face-to-face next to me.

  “This has got to be the weirdest weekend of my life. Not only do I have a rock star sleeping on my couch and in my bed, but I let him screw me with his seductive persuasion like some desperate backstage groupie.”

  Looking hurt, Kane’s eyes pierced mine and his angry expression told me I’d offended him. “Is that what you think? You got fucked by a rock star? That’s how you read what happened here? I seduced you? This is me, Jo. Kane Exeter, the guy you used to know. Not Kane Exeter of Hedon1sm. I thought what happened back there this morning was a real-life mutual attraction. I’m fucking offended that you’re sitting there thinking that I had to persuade you to do that.”

  Standing up straight, he paced the floor, his muscles flexing with every frustrated stride before he spun around to face me again. His dick slapped on his leg and my eyes went straight to it. “Eyes up here, Jo, look at me,” he said, sounding angrier than I’d ever heard him. “I asked you. I fucking sought your permission. You know how many times I’ve had to do that? Once. You may not have been in my life, but I remembered how we were together as kids enough to know that you wanted that to happen every bit as much as I did. The way you were spinning in there, you loved every minute of what we did, so don’t sit there full of regrets like you’re better than me, Josie, it’s not fucking cool.”

  Watching how furious I’d made him wasn’t easy, but a teeny bit of me couldn’t help but feel pleased, at least it showed me that having sex with me had really meant something to him.

  “Maybe I’m just naturally suspicious, but my life was going fine until yesterday morning. I’m a normal girl from a no-nonsense family. Strict upbringing and ingrained morals, Kane.”

  “Right, and that means you’d rather have a guy that gets you off once in a while, and gets pissed because you have an old friend look you up?”

  “It seems to me that Elliott was right on that score, Kane. We never kept it platonic, did we?”

  “I’d never have done that if he hadn’t have broken up with you. Believe it or not, I don’t have to fuck other guy’s chicks, Jo. I get plenty of pussy offered to me every day without those kinds of complications.”

  “Well…and doesn’t that make you sound like you can take the moral high ground?” I shouted back.

  Kane rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger then turned and went into the bedroom while I sat wondering what he was going to do next. My heart felt heavy that we were fighting, especially after the connection we’d shared a few hours before. Nothing he said made me feel better, and no matter what, I could hardly ignore the fact that he was still a rock star with a playboy reputation.

  Reappearing in the clothes he’d changed into the night before he stuffed his belongings into his leather duffle bag. “As I’m obviously making you feel uncomfortable, I’m just gonna check into a hotel. Here are a couple of tickets for the gig on Monday night, and a couple of backstage passes. I’d love to see you there. Despite what you think, Jo, what we did this morning actually meant a great deal to me, but I think a bit of space is in order for you to work out that remorse you have going on.”

  And there’s the line he uses to validate leaving. I’m just another one and done fuck to him. I knew everything he had been saying was too good to be true. Standing to face him, I dragged up the gutsiest performance I could muster and scoffed, “Sure. Whatever. See you around, Kane.” It came out sounding downright bitchy.

  Kane’s eyes narrowed as he looked briefly toward the door then back at me. “I hope you come to the gig, Jo. I’d like you there. Maybe when you’ve had some time to think about this, it won’t seem so weird for you,” he offered. Picking up his bag he slung it over his shoulder, hesitated and looked longingly at me before reaching for the doorknob. “I’ve loved seeing you again, babe, and I don’t regret what we did or being here with you. Despite what you think, I really am taken with you. You’re more beautiful and wonderful than I imagined in my mind. Take care,” he mumbled as he turned the handle forcefully and pulled the door open. A second later he stepped out into the corridor and closed the door softly behind him, leaving me alone.

  I felt totally demolished once he’d gone. Watching him leave broke my heart all over again. All those years I’d wondered about him, lost sleep thinking about him, worried about him, and I’d convinced myself that our second chance at friendship had been blown out of the water because we’d let sex get in the way.

  Tears rolled down my face as my heart crushed under the weight in my chest. I wiped my runny nose on my shirt sleeve and a sob tore from my throat at what we’d done. My feelings were that there was no going back now, we’d ruined our second chance to be friends. Kane had only been back for a day, but I felt his loss like a gaping hole in my life as soon as he’d left the apartment. Girls like me never end up with guys like Kane. I should have known better. Curling up on my sofa, I buried my head in my hands and sobbed loudly.

  *****

  Exhausted from crying, I dozed off and was awoken by my cell playing my Beyonce ringtone. I knew I had to change it because I had the images of Kane’s re-enactment associated with the song. Glancing at the screen I saw it was my friend, Candice, from the office. “Hey, Candice, how are you?” I asked in a croaky voice.

  “I’m good…what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she replied sounding concerned.

  I considered shrugging off her concern but I felt so desolate I found myself pouring out the whole sorry story.

  “You slept with Kane Exeter? Fucking hell…you fucked Kane Exeter? Kane Hedon1sm Exeter?” she shrieked in disbelief. “That’s the Kane from when you were kids?”

  “Yeah, that’s him, and I’m not proud of it, Candice.”

  “No I can hear that, but jeez, he so frigging hot, Josie. What was he like, I mean a guy like that would know what he’s doing…sorry, I’m not being that great of a comfort to you, but hell’s bells—Kane Exeter. Damn, he is the finest man I’ve ever seen.” I had to give her that, but I wasn’t encouraging the conversation.

  When I didn’t reply she picked up on the silence and cleared her throat. “Sorry I just got so excited for a moment,” she mumbled in apology. “So are we going to his concert Monday? Did he give you tickets?”

  “What? No, of course I’m not going.”

  “Why not? His band is amazing.”

  “I don’t want to see him after what happened.”

  “Well I can understand that, but that’s all in your head. Kane’s a rock star, he’s used to fucking beautiful girls every day of the week and all day long, if you believe the article in the Celebrity Stud, magazine. So why should you feel awkward? Tell me he gave you tickets.”

  “Candice!” She mumbled her apology for being insensitive and tried hard to make me feel better and somewhere along the line our conversation turned. I’m not sure when that happened but by the end of the call I had agreed to go to the concert and take her with me. I hadn’t told her about the backstage passes because I already knew there was no way I was turning up after his gig to see him like some groupie. I hung up on our call and felt less than happy about what I’d agreed to. My mi
nd flitted to Elliott. He’d been right to be cautious about Kane staying with me.

  I wasn’t sure why, but I had a sudden urge to come clean with him burned in my brain, and stupidly, before I’d had time to think through what to say, I called him on his cell. I knew he said we weren’t together but to my mind I had cheated, whether it was right or wrong, I had to come clean.

  “Hello, Josie,” he answered in a curt polite tone.

  “Hi, Elliott, I need to talk to you.”

  “Josie, you don’t have to tell me, I can hear it in your voice. You slept with him, didn’t you?”

  “It wasn’t supposed to happen, I mean, I didn’t—”

  “Mean to fuck my rock star buddy.” He was rightly incensed and his voice was laced with sarcasm.

  “That’s not fair, Elliott, I’m trying—”

  “Not fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Josie. It’s not fair that my boss sent me to this godforsaken place, that I left you thinking we were so good together. Five weeks it took me to get you into my bed. Five weeks and I was happy that we took things slowly, because I had told myself that you were worth it. I was beginning to have deeper feelings for you and all it’s taken is my absence for less than a week and an old friend who rocks up at your door to end all of that. So you know what? I went out last night and got laid as well. Don’t think you’re the only one that has needs or wants.”

  “And that will fix this, yeah? Two wrongs don’t make a right, Elliott.” I was mad as well by then, and wondered if he was one of those crazy guys who broke up with a girl just to screw someone else so he felt he was doing no wrong.“I rang to come clean and apologize to you, Elliott.”

  “What for, Josie? To make you feel better? I told you we’re not together anymore. Do what you like. I’m done. You’re definitely not the girl I left behind, or maybe you were, I don’t know, maybe you just hid it well.”

  Swallowing roughly, I knew I’d made yet another mistake, and from the irrational tone Elliott had, I knew I’d hurt him as well as myself. “I’m truly sorry, Elliott, I guess there’s nothing left to say,” I mumbled and hung up feeling less than proud of myself for what I’d done. What the hell is wrong with me?

  *****

  For the rest of the day I beat myself up by going over and over my relationship with Elliott and my short time with Kane. Elliott had been safe, but with Kane’s connection to happier times as a kid and the excitement of having him back in my life, I guess my judgment was way off. To look at them both there wasn’t a lot of difference between them. Roughly the same height, hair and eye color, and they were both handsome men, but it was like Kane shone in comparison. The way he was put together was ultra-sexy and he had this magnetism that was missing in Elliott. I guessed it was lust that had clouded my vision even when I knew it would end badly. That night in bed I could still imagine him here with me and for that reason alone, sleep avoided me.

  As I made my way to work the following morning, Kane Exeter still dominated my waking thoughts. He was the fourth man I’d slept with, and I knew, by the way he’d consumed me, and with the chemistry we shared, that he’d probably ruined me for anyone else. With my limited intimate knowledge I sensed I would never experience anything else like it and would struggle to find that kind of connection ever again with someone else.

  “Morning, Josie,” Jacob greeted. My twin brother was chatting up the new receptionist as I entered the building.

  “Morning,” I mumbled back, still preoccupied about Kane.

  “Jeez, Josie, you look rough, if I didn’t know you better I’d say you’d been partying hard this weekend.”

  Jacob was the first to say that to me that day, but he definitely wasn’t the last. All day long people commented on how tired I looked and by the time I was ready to leave, I was sick of listening to it. Candice called as I was packing up for the day. “All set? I’ll meet you downstairs, I just have to drop some mail in the post room that’s urgent,” she told me.

  “Just about to change into my jeans, I’ll be there in five.”

  Swiping my screen to close the call out, I scooted down the hall to the washroom and changed into a tight-fitted, aqua blue T-shirt, some blue skinny jeans and kitten heels. Once ready, I stuffed my work attire into a hanging bag, hung it on the back of my office door and headed toward the elevators to meet Candice.

  “Hey, sexy lady, you look fabulous,” she said, greeting me with a warm, friendly smile.

  I didn’t feel fabulous but welcomed her encouragement because I was so nervous about the gig and being in the same place as him again. I had almost called her several times during the day to back out. Candice chatted all the way across town about work and I was happy to listen because inside I was a mess. Anxiety wasn’t something I suffered from usually, but the feelings that were running amok in me were worse than sitting in the dentist chair awaiting root canal treatment.

  By the time we reached the venue I was definitely having second thoughts about going in there. I reassured myself that nine thousand people was a good cover to hide amongst. I prayed that the seat tickets we’d been given would be set back in the midst of the crowd.

  Candice grabbed the tickets out of my hand and began to walk along the concourse. “Wow, these are in section A. That’s almost stage level. We’re going to be up close and personal with the band. This is so freaking cool.” I shuddered at the thought, unhappy about Kane possibly seeing me sitting there like nothing had ever happened between us. That was the message I figured I’d be sending to him. Suddenly I felt weak-willed at allowing Candice to talk me into being there and dragged my heels behind her.

  After a few moments she noticed my reluctance. “Come on, Josie, in a venue of nine thousand plus, he’s not going to notice you. Just enjoy the band and take it for what it is. He owes you a fun time after all that shit with Elliott.”

  I almost said he’d already given me the fun time. However, once she had validated my entitlement to be there, and we’d found our seats, I began to relax—a little. We were right at the edge of the stage and as the microphone was in the middle I figured that he’d be so busy over there, running up and down the runway that ran through the middle, that he’d have no idea I was even in the venue.

  “Damn, we should have got some drinks. Wait here I’ll run to the kiosk back out on the concourse and grab us something,” she said, shuffling past me. I watched her running up the stairs to the walkway above. When she left me alone I looked around, my eyes scanning all the expensive technical equipment on the stage and I tried to figure out how Kane’s band had afforded all this kind of gear before they were famous. Especially when a cheap electric guitar cost a couple of hundred bucks. There was nothing cheap about anything that I could see and I had to take my hat off to Hedon1sm for their celebrity status. They had only been around for about eighteen months and this was their first tour after cutting their album. I knew that because I’d heard Kane tell the TV presenter.

  A commotion behind me turned my head. Candice had come back, wiggling her way past a couple of good-looking guys with our drinks. One of them offered to help. She fluttered her eyelids and gave them a coy look, saying, “Sorry, boys, we’re groupies for the band.”

  Personally, I could have punched her because that’s exactly how Kane had left me feeling after our passionate session the day before. “Thanks, Candice,” I mumbled sarcastically.

  “Well would you rather they hit on us all evening while you sit and ogle Kane?” she asked, like she’d done me a favor to shut them out. I let her comment slide and sat back in my tiny seat. Suddenly, the lights dimmed and I settled down to watch the warm up band do their set.

  The poor opening act never even got an introduction. They just wandered out on stage, strapped on their guitars and immediately began to play a series of fast riffs that didn’t sound particularly in sync. All the technical jargon I learned came from Candice’s commentary. I didn’t know much about music, but even I could tell their
timing was off. The lead singer saddled up to the mic looking like he could do with a good wash and shouted his way through the first song. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was entertained by his performance, but he tried too hard and it showed. “They’re great, aren’t they,” Candice gushed after slating everything about them. I stared at her wide-eyed because it seemed like we were both hearing something completely different.

  “If you like someone screaming their way through some badly written lyrics and trying to murder the concept of music—yeah, great,” I answered, in a voice heavy with boredom.

  “Damn, Josie, get yourself straight. It’s hard work being with you tonight,” she huffed, continuing to stamp her foot in time to the bad music. They finished their set without another word of complaint from me, and personally, when they had finished it was the high point of their whole performance. I stared around at the seats that had yet to be filled for the main band and wondered how many of them had heard of the band that had just played. Maybe they had and that’s why they had dined late or had chosen to hang around in the bars until Hedon1sm took to the stage.

  Once again, Candice went to get more drinks and I sat watching the technicians tweak the equipment on the stage, before the lights dimmed and the crowd roared in appreciation for Kane and his band. My heartbeat accelerated to the point where I could feel the strong pulse in my neck without thinking about it. This time I had expected an emcee to mention their name, but once again there was no introduction, just a sudden burst of noise.

  I felt like I’d been ripped from my seat, the vibrations of their bass reverberated up through my feet and resonated in my chest as the guitarists played clever, fast, riffs that complimented one another as far as I could tell. The difference between both bands was stark. The musicians that formed Hedon1sm were effortless music-makers and the sounds they made were awesome. The flow of one instrument to another sounded seamless and as I listened to the drum percussions accompanying them, it was the glue that made their music gel into a rhythm. As a listener it drew me in and hooked me to the tune.