Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  *****

  Eleven hours after Ellie had been born I was transferred, while still on my bed, to meet my daughter for the first time. She was half a day old and I had never even held her. Entering the unit, I expected the pandemonium of babies crying, hungry, or dissatisfied because their mothers weren’t with them. What I found was a quiet, serene environment—a soothing stillness that was almost spiritual. The calm made me feel less afraid than I had been in days. A plump doctor with huge, kind brown eyes, walked toward me smiling. “Hello, Josephine. Congratulations, your daughter is beautiful. She’s been stealing my staff’s hearts while she waited for you to get here.”

  I had been determined not to cry, vowing to stay strong for my daughter, but the tears rolled at her kind words despite my best intentions. Spraying my hands with sanitizer, she nodded to one of the other staff who was wearing cartoon scrubs. Placing a clipboard on the side, the nurse named Angela, noted on her name badge, wandered unhurriedly toward me with the same calm that surrounded me.

  “Ah, there you are, Mommy. Ellie has been settled and is waiting to meet you.” Nodding her head, the orderly wheeled my bed into a side room and immediately Angela followed with a portable, clear plastic incubator. The shock of dark hair surprised me but I fell in love at first sight. My heart squeezed with emotion at my beautiful baby. Somehow, I had expected blonde hair, like Matt, Jacob and mine, but I couldn’t have cared if she had hair or not, I was just relieved to see that she appeared to be breathing. Her skin color was a little darker than I had expected. Her dark mauve lips and cyanosed coloring were sure signs of the problem she faced. Her head was encased in a little Perspex box-like thing and the nurse was quick to explain that it was to focus ambient oxygen in the incubator around her airways.

  “We don’t want to disturb her right now, Josie, her oxygen saturations are steady and handling babies like Ellie can cause some stress, but you can put your hands in and comfort her. We encourage skin-to-skin contact wherever possible.” Ellie looked normal sized, but I was scared to touch her. However, Angela’s encouragement was exactly what I needed to hear. I wondered how many other mothers were worried about touching their baby for the first time because it was an unnatural feeling to think like that. At least—I had thought so.

  From the very second my finger traced the skin on her leg I knew my heart would never be the same again. Her soft, delicate flesh was so precious that panic rose in my chest at the thought of what she had yet to face. For a few minutes I stood there just staring at her, taking all of her in, learning and memorizing every feature about her. My bond with my daughter grew stronger the moment I touched her. A thin tube fed the hormone to her vein, keeping her body fluids at just the right balance. An oxygen monitor, attached with Velcro, shone a red light making her tiny foot look transparent.

  Eventually I had to leave her behind, but in better hands than mine, because at that point I didn’t have the skills necessary to keep her alive. It was that fact that helped me to close the window on the incubator and allow them to take me back to my room. My family were all still in the corridor when they wheeled me back in the bed and Candice had joined them. I wondered which one of them had called her and suspected Jacob, because he was the closest to her at work apart from me. She was distraught because she had thought it was her fault that Ellie had been born early. The nurse reassured her that this wasn’t the case.

  Initially the staff tried to send everyone home and wanted me to rest, but I insisted on talking to them because I was anxious to hear how Kane was doing and give my family an update about Ellie. Angela had taken some pictures of her for me and I shared them with my parents. There wasn’t a dry eye amongst us when we saw how fragile she looked in them. No one had been back to get an update on Kane, so once I had persuaded Matt to take my mom and dad home for the night, Jacob went to find out the latest news. I was so worried about everything, and I was in pain from the birth wound which didn’t help matters.

  Candice and Jacob volunteered to stay with me, and even though the hospital policy had stated fathers only, my circumstances had afforded me an exception to their rule. If I was being honest, that first night I wouldn’t have known whether they were there or not. After I’d been given a morphine shot for the pain, the pain subsided, and my thoughts turned to Kane again, but I must have passed out from the drugs because I don’t remember Jacob coming back before I fell asleep.

  Pain cut into my unconsciousness at the same time as I felt the blood pressure cuff inflate. Cracking an eye open, I saw Jacob asleep in the chair by the window in the dim light of the room. A nurse was silently recording my chart at the bottom of the bed near to where Candice was sleeping soundly on a pull bed. When I tried to move, a pain seared through me and my body felt battered and bruised. Slowly the nurse came closer to the bed and took my left hand, opened the small cap on my cannula, and inserted a needleless syringe. I watched the liquid drain from it and within seconds I felt the pain subside as my head swam.

  *****

  If anyone ever said to me that caesarean births were an easy way out, I’d punch them the fuck out because it most definitely wasn’t. Every time I felt one area of my body settle down and become comfortable, another wanted attention. Emotional overload from worrying about my baby and Kane, my engorged leaking breasts, the bleeding, and a healing wound was a ridiculous combination of things to deal with. I concluded from my first-hand experience that God was most definitely a man.

  As the days passed I was thankful for small blessings. Ellie seemed that little bit stronger, putting on weight, and pooping like it was going out of fashion. I began to feel more optimistic about her survival if the operation went well, but on day four the baby blues kicked in and my thoughts turned darker again. Ellie’s operation was set for day six and Kane was still unconscious. His condition was described as stable. I was taking one day at a time all the while the two people I loved most had that label. I could live with that.

  Chapter 27

  Cancellation

  Changing position wasn’t easy with a healing wound, and although it wasn’t as painful as the day before, I still woke every time I moved. Jacob was sitting in what was now his usual position in the chair, awake. “You okay? Do you need anything?”

  I smiled softly at his concern, he was a great brother. “I think I just need to stand. My butt hurts from lying down, and I want to go and see Ellie. How’s Kane?” I whispered, looking to Candice who was still flat out asleep.

  “Should I go get the nurse?”

  “Why, are you too weak to help me?” I snickered.

  Jacob stood and walked over to the bed. “I just don’t want to hurt you,” he answered in a concerned tone.

  “You won’t,” I reassured him. Gingerly he helped me from the bed and I wandered over to lean on the window ledge.

  “I’ll ask the staff if you can go to the unit to see your baby.”

  “Will you come with me?”

  Holding the handle of the door he hesitated and smiled. “Thought you’d never ask,” he replied with a grin, but I knew him better than that because even in the subdued light I could see how worried his expression became.

  “Jacob you never answered me. How’s Kane?”

  “Just the same…but same is good, right?” The same answer was starting to chew away at me.

  *****

  It took another twenty minutes before we finally arrived in the unit to see Ellie. The staff were amazing as usual and Jacob looked like a scared rabbit as his eyes bugged out at all the equipment, and tiny babies weighing not even a third of Ellie. Deep down inside, I felt the way he looked. Going through what I was going through was tough, actually, tough didn’t even cut it.

  “She’s so beautiful.” Jacob had tears in his eyes. He stared silently and swallowed uneasily. “She’s gonna make it, Josie,” he said with a reassuring tone. He couldn’t know that for sure, but he had wanted me to feel better. I connected with the helpless look he gave me an
d the determination in his low gruff voice. On sight, the bond was already there for him with her, just like it had been with me and Ellie.

  “The surgical team is coming to see Ellie this morning, Josie.” Angela reached out and laid her palm on my upper arm in a comforting gesture. I nodded slowly and opened the little porthole between me and my little girl. She was warm despite wearing nothing but a diaper. Stroking her soft skin, I tried to speak normally to her.

  “Good morning, precious. How is my baby girl today?” The monitor beeped as she stirred and my eyes were immediately averted away from her to it. “It’s okay, Jacob, it does that a lot.” It was my turn to soothe my brother’s worry. He looked like he was ready to run.

  A small entourage of white coats came through the door headed by the surgeon, Professor Miriam. When she saw me standing by Ellie’s incubator she gave me a warm, sympathetic smile and wandered over to me. “This is Ellie Carmichael’s mother, Josephine,” She addressed the others. “Ellie was scheduled for surgery on Friday, but we’ve had a cancelation and she’s doing well, so we’ll be going ahead tomorrow.” A cancellation? Did that mean someone else’s baby didn’t make it?

  My heart missed a beat and I felt sick. Turning to look at my baby again, she looked fine, peaceful and relaxed, and I thought for a second, why can’t she just stay like that? She doesn’t look like she’s in pain. But I knew that was my conscience not wanting my baby to suffer. It was a purely selfish thought. The thought of a petrified mother that didn’t want to face up to the reality of dealing with everything that was coming her way.

  I knew the professor wanted to discuss my daughter with her team and part of me wanted to stay and listen, but I also knew if I did I’d have been scared to death, so I got into the wheelchair and asked Jacob to take me to see Kane. My heart was aching so badly about everything that had happened and I was so overwhelmed with all the thoughts I had running through my mind. One half of my brain wouldn’t allow me to think while the other half seemed to dredge up the most terrible points of what had already happened, what was happening right then, and most difficult of all, what could happen in the future.

  When we arrived on Kane’s floor, a different policeman was stationed at his room. He stood from his chair and told us we could go no further. Jacob explained who we were and the policeman turned to look through the window. My eyes followed his to where Kane was still in pretty much the same position as I’d seen him the last time, except his Uncle Dennis was sitting on a chair leaning forward with his head and arms resting on the side of his bed.

  A moment later, Dennis stirred and looked behind him, I guess us talking had drawn his attention. Standing, he stretched the kinks out of his bones, his eyes centering on mine. His body language became alert and he walked toward the door. “It’s fine. This is Josie and Jacob. They are close friends of Kane’s.” The guard nodded with a relieved smile and left to sit down again.

  “How are you feeling?” Dennis asked.

  “I’m fine. Can I go in?” I asked, sounding anxious.

  “Sure, I think he’d like that.”

  “What have the doctors said?”

  “They ran some tests yesterday, and there was some reaction but he didn’t wake up. They saw it as a positive sign though,” he said, monotone. He sounded as if he didn’t believe it himself.

  I shuffled slowly from the wheelchair and entered the room. Just as before, the atmosphere felt quiet apart from the beeping machines and the puff of the ventilator. Dennis walked up next to me and said, “They’re taking him off the ventilator later. His breathing is stable and they’ve taken the chest drain out. They’re not concerned about his breathing now.”

  “That’s good.” I stared absent-mindedly at Kane’s beautiful features and had to touch him. I squeezed his hand, and still he lay totally unresponsive. “So, she’s here. My baby. Ellie. She’s the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, Kane. Dark brown hair, huge blue eyes, average weight, average length, but her heart isn’t average…I wish it was. They just told me she’s having surgery tomorrow…”

  My voice trailed off, as had happened so many times before, my throat squeezed closed and I swallowed back my tears. “Wake up, Kane. I miss you. I need you to wake up so I know that you know I love you. I don’t care what people think, what you do for a living or anything else right now. I just want you to know how I feel.”

  Leaning toward Kane was painful but I did what I had been thinking about since the last time. Holding his head in my hands I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with his scent. I kissed the top of his head repeatedly as thoughts of him ran through my mind. I couldn’t find the words to say what was in my heart. There were so many feelings but my emotions crushed them. Stepping back, I lifted his hand and laid it over my heart.

  “I never wanted your life—thinking yours and mine were so different, that I’d never be able to be comfortable around the circles you mix with—but it seems you’ve stepped into mine. I had looked at my life as ordinary, and when it comes down to it, we are just the same kids as we always were. We’re just living with extraordinary circumstances. I’d much rather have the worry of groupies than what I’m facing right now, and I’d rather deal with women hitting on you, than watching you like this.”

  A commotion drew my attention to outside the door and I saw that his medical team had converged and it was time for a reassessment of Kane’s condition. I kissed his hand and whispered, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back, Kane. My baby is going into the OR tomorrow, but Jacob will keep me updated. Please, honey, please, please, wake up.”

  As the doctors had all huddled around the desk to the side of Kane’s room, Dennis escorted Jacob as he pushed me back to the elevator. “Does Kane know that Ellie is his baby?”

  I was sure the look of shock on Jacob’s face reflected my own. And I knew for sure he hadn’t heard me tell Kane the last time I had visited.

  I stuttered before saying, “H…he’s not Ellie’s father.” Intrigued as to why he would say that.

  The elevator arrived and I stepped inside with Jacob. When the doors closed he turned to look down at me. “Kane?”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No, Jacob, I don’t know why Dennis said that, it’s Elliott’s baby.”

  Jacob gave me a lingering look then looked at the door when the elevator car stopped on our floor. Taking his hands out of his pockets he pushed the chair back in the direction of my room.

  For the rest of the day I was desperately worried about my baby’s fate and spent as much time as I could with her. Everyone in the unit seemed to know what was happening with her, and I’d never been hugged by so many people in one day. As each member of staff coming and going from their shift came to offer me words of comfort, I drew a little more strength from them. If unity and will alone could have made my baby well, it would have happened from the positive vibes we received.

  My parents came and went, and I saw them briefly, but somehow seeing their desperate, grief-stricken faces made everything much harder for me, especially at a time when I had to stay strong. It had been the longest day of my life, yet not long enough when I thought of what the following day may bring, and by 8:00 pm that night, everyone had gone home, including Candice, when I asked for some quiet time alone. Although Jacob was even more stubborn than me and flatly refused to leave.

  “I’m not leaving you here on your own. You don’t have to talk to me, Josie, but I’m not going home.”

  True to his word he didn’t make a sound, just sat staring sometimes at me, sometimes at his phone. Around 9:30 pm I felt exhausted and got back into bed. I’d done too much for a new mom after surgery, and my wound ached. I lay as comfortably as I could, but my head was filled with fear and anxiety again. I prayed to God, for what seemed like hours, to take care of my baby because her life was in his hands.

  *****

  Waiting with Ellie for the team of people I had to trust with her life was terrifying. Twice during the
night I’d vomited due to my guts twisting when I thought about her plight that day. I’d been told to prepare myself for a long day ahead, but I’d been doing that since I had first learned that Ellie wasn’t perfect like all the other normal babies. She was perfect on the outside, more than perfect to look at, with the kind of beauty that brought tears to my eyes. It broke my heart that she had to suffer just to exist. By the time they came for her I was a blubbering mess. I tried too hard to be brave, but when it came down to it I was just plain petrified. I would have sold my soul for my daughter not to have to face surgery.

  I felt like a failure because instead of escorting her to the OR they just wheeled her away and I sat watching Jacob take my place. He’d volunteered to stay with her until they said he couldn’t. My mom and dad were waiting outside the neonatal intensive care unit doors and when I walked out and saw them I just collapsed into my mother’s arms. Matt had apparently gone with Jacob and I was thankful for such a strong family. When my dad suggested a walk to the cafeteria by way of distraction, I figured it would be better than all five of us staring at each other in my room while we waited for news. Feeling drained and scared I agreed to anything at that point, especially to forget the feeling of facing such a harrowing experience alone.

  Dennis was sitting in the cafeteria when we arrived and called us over to sit with him. He mentioned he had sent me a text telling me that they had removed Kane’s ventilator and that he’d opened his eyes briefly then fell unconscious again. Apparently, the heart monitor reacted at the same time so it wasn’t due to a spasm but to real activity. My heart squeezed at the fact that Kane didn’t have all the support around him that I did, and if it wasn’t for my tiny sick baby, I’d never have left his side. When Dennis asked how my baby was doing, Jacob told him she was in surgery, it was then that Dennis asked to have a couple of minutes with me on his own.