Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  If I’m honest I was in no fit state for conversation, but I was curious what he wanted with me. Did Kane tell him he suspected he could be the father? Maybe he was thinking, when Kane knows that Ellie is sick he’ll be glad he never pursued me to find out. My dad and Matt became very protective telling Dennis that it wasn’t the time, but I was saved when Dennis’ cell rang before he could say anything else. Checking the screen, he swiped to accept the call and stood to listen. I watched his body language change and without another word he ran for the cafeteria door. Jacob looked at my face and knew instinctively that I thought it had something to do with Kane, so he headed straight out the door behind him.

  Chapter 28

  Exhausted

  Watching my brother leave to go after Dennis gave me another panic attack at a time when I couldn’t have taken another piece of bad news. I broke down at the table, sobbing again, feeling completely helpless. My dad’s loving arms wrapped around me. “Come on, let’s take you up to your room.” His voice, which had always protected me, calmed me down. Gently, he helped me to my feet and guided me by the elbow in the direction of the bank of elevators.

  The wait for information seemed endless and the pressure of waiting to see if my daughter survived the risky surgery almost tore me apart. Eventually, the female surgeon knocked on the door and came into the room. “Great news, Josephine, Ellie has come through the surgery and is doing amazingly well. I’m cautiously pleased with her progress and the perfusion of oxygen is now almost normal at ninety-seven percent.” I was grateful that she delivered the news without a pause like I would have expected from someone breaking bad news. All of us in the room exhaled in unison. A beaming smile on the doctor’s face gave me real hope that I hadn’t realized I’d been denying myself.

  I heard myself ask, “Can I see her now?”

  “Sure, but only one person can come with you. We don’t allow visitors for the first few days because of the risk of infection and we like to create a quiet, peaceful place for her to recover from her ordeal. I looked to all the expectant faces, Mom, Dad, and Matt, and my dad said, “I think Ellie’s mom needs her mom right now.”

  *****

  No one should have to see their baby the way I saw Ellie. Tubes and monitors surrounded her from the moment she was born, and that didn’t change immediately after surgery. My mom cried and held me, noting how beautiful she was and how vulnerable her condition had made her since the day she’d been born.

  We held each other and wept silent tears. Our visit was brief because they preferred her to have some time in silence and dim lighting to optimize the environment for her to recover in a calming atmosphere. Not that they asked us to leave or anything, but we were both extremely inadequate. I was mentally and physically exhausted. The toll from before the birth, Kane’s attack, and my inability to face what everything meant had shattered my heart into a million fragments. But still I continued to be swept along in an incredulous set of emotionally battering circumstances.

  Jacob was waiting when I got back to the room. “How’s Ellie?”

  Mom filled my family in about her condition then asked, “How’s Kane?”

  My heart stalled because like I said, anything else, and I’d have gone into complete meltdown.

  I held my breath as Jacob nodded and his eyes flitted toward me. There was something concerning about the way he looked at me, and the panic I’d been fighting hard to control almost tore free while I waited for his reply. “He’s awake. Groggy. That’s what Dennis’ call was about.”

  “Is he okay?” I asked, with note of urgency.

  “He asked about you.” My heart lifted with that news. At least his memory was intact if he could recognize Jacob and ask about me.

  “But is he okay?” I asked again. My instinct was to run upstairs and see him; however, my body was all but done. I had no strength left for another ride on the emotional roller coaster.

  “Seems to be…still a little confused about what happened, but yeah, he’s doing okay.” Men are useless at giving details.

  Mom, Dad and Matt all looked pleased at the news about Kane as well. I was exhausted and had a job persuading my parents to go home. I needed to sleep because I was still recovering from my surgery. Matt looked visibly relieved when I asked him to take them home. For a normally unaffected kind of guy, the impact of knowing how sick my baby was, just about wiped him out. My twin was the one person who had accepted everything I told him and rolled with the punches after his initial shock when I first told him about Ellie.

  *****

  When I woke the following morning, I had a blinding headache. The nurse said it was probably stress from the day before and helped me to feel more comfortable with lighter pain relief. Jacob had pushed me to see Ellie and I spent the morning with my baby, sitting by her bed. She was being kept unconscious to help her recovery and the medical team was impressed with the progress she’d made. After several hours of immobility, I felt stiff and was persuaded to leave for a while to have some rest. Jacob arrived to take me back because it was still too far away from my room to walk. I had tried so hard to keep Ellie as my sole focus, but if I was honest, Kane had always been there in my mind. Trying to deal with both situations had been too much heartache for me to bear.

  As Jacob approached the elevator with me he had been talking about Ellie’s progress, but when he pushed me into the car, he pressed the button for Kane’s floor. “I’m taking you to see Kane, Josie.” My heart squeezed when he mentioned his name. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; it was more that I couldn’t allow myself to because of Ellie’s condition. I glanced up at him and nodded feeling relieved that someone was telling me what to do. I had felt that if I had said I wanted to go that people would think I was paying more attention to a friend when my focus should have been on my baby.

  Seconds after I rose from the wheelchair when we arrived outside Kane’s room his head turned and his eyes connected with mine. A smile stretched across his face and instantly wiped out the visual of the last memory I had of him with tubes and wires everywhere. He sat forward on the bed and winced a little when he leaned down for the bed adjustment control to adjust the back of the bed so he could sit up. Dennis stepped out of the room to join Jacob as I entered.

  “Hey, babe. How’s the baby?” His deep voice sounded croaky and thin, much weaker than I was used to. Tears sprang to my eyes and a feeling of relief washed over me.

  “Hi,” I said, feeling a little shy, although I had no idea why. “She was so sick. It’s been a journey…no it’s been hell,” I answered honestly, and my voice cracked with the emotional wave that engulfed me. “Thank God you’re okay. Did they say how long before you recover fully? I mean is there any lasting damage?” The instant reprieve from worrying about him, at least, gave me a temporary sense of elation.

  “Not that they know of, they had some concerns about my brain, but if they were monitoring what goes on up there I’m not surprised,” he said, chuckling with a roguish grin.

  “Jesus, Kane, I was so scared,” I admitted.

  “Crazy fucker wanted my nuts because his girl kept sharing my picture on her social media. I guess some guys just know when the competition is out of their league and only a kill will solve their problem.” He chuckled again, and as sick as he was, that twinkle of mischief in his eye showed me his spirit was far from broken. It took my respect and adoration for him to a new level.

  “Glad you’ve still got your sense of humor,” I said as I smiled at him.

  “And my dick…still got that,” he said, patting the thin bed sheet. “He wanted to cut that off too, that’s what he told me right before I fell backward and bumped my head. Must have knocked myself out at that point and scared the bastard shitless. Makes no sense to me why he would have run at that point, I was sure he was gonna finish me off…but the cops figure he thought he had…left me for dead they said.” There wasn’t an inkling of fear in his speech and at that moment I had thought he wa
s the bravest man I’d ever known. “Anyway, enough about me, I want to know about you.” Kane’s face fell to a serious expression and he waved me over toward his bed. “Can you sit here?” He patted the bed beside him and lowered it a little for me to perch my butt on. It wasn’t that comfortable but I did my best.

  “I won’t be able to sit like this for long,” I warned.

  “What I’ve got to say will only take a few minutes,” he advised and I looked at him feeling a frown forming.

  “There’s never gonna be a right time for this, but I need to do this now while it’s fresh, Josie. Who knew the trip we’d both be going on when I made that call to you? I’m gonna ask you four questions about some stuff I want cleared up right here in this room, and I want the truth. Bullshit almost killed me last week. Life is short. Shorter than any of us truly know. We built our friendship on honesty, right?” I nodded, wondering what he was going to ask, but already knew the answer to one of them. I had been a fool to think he would never ask about Ellie again.

  “Do you love me?” It wasn’t the question I was expecting and my heart stuttered.

  “Yes.” There was no hesitation. Kane’s hand reached for my head, pulled me toward his lips and gently kissed my forehead.

  “Are you in love with me?” He was right, this wasn’t the right time for this, but I answered.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Believe it or not, I’m madly in love with you too, Jo. I’m so far gone I almost died trying to tell you that.” My heart flipped over and I stared numbly at him because I felt sick at what I’d put him through, but in my defense, I did have just cause. I hardly knew him apart from what I’d seen on TV and the way he was around women, and the lifestyle he led, wasn’t anything I ever saw myself adjusting to. However, everything we’d gone through since then made me think that life would have been a breeze in comparison to our reality. Kane took my hand and threaded my fingers in his. Closing them softly he squeezed a little then lifted them to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss on my knuckles. In a quiet, hurt voice he asked, “Why did you lie about Ellie being mine?”

  My heart almost stopped and I stared into his eyes hoping he could feel my pain. “It wasn’t to lie to you, Kane. It was to set you free. I was screwed up after what happened with you and Elliott; then he died. Don’t you think it would have been easier for me to come after you to take care of us? If I had said she was your baby, would you have just believed me?”

  “Probably. You’d never lied to me before.”

  “So there you have it, Kane. I could have taken the easy way out. Perhaps saddled you with the responsibility for someone else’s baby, but then I’d have been embroiled in a life where me and my baby were tied to, one that I had no wish to be a part of back then.”

  “And now? You’d be part of it now?”

  “Yes, no…I don’t know. I love you, Kane, but I have a child that will always come first.”

  “I never had you marked down as ignorant, Jo, so don’t start disappointing me now.” I gave him a puzzled look as he scoffed at me.

  “Do you know who Ellie’s father is for sure?”

  “In truth? No. Does that make me proud? No. Of course, it doesn’t, but I had to do what was best for my baby.”

  “And you think having no father is the best thing for your daughter? If you think that, it’s one fucked-up selfish attitude you have there. Doesn’t she have any rights? What happens if she grows up and wants to know the story about how she was conceived? What if she comes asking me to be tested and blames you for not being honest with her if I am her father?”

  “She was sick, Kane. I was carrying a baby that I didn’t know would survive. How could I come to you with that? Why would I hurt you by giving you that burden to carry?”

  “And what makes you think you can behave like a martyr and make decisions for everyone else?”

  “Alright. What if she’s yours? How are you going to handle that? Look what happened to you. You can’t even keep yourself safe. Why would I put my child in danger by associating her with your world? How would we live? Where would we even live?”

  “Fuck, I don’t know, Jo. Wherever you wanted, however you wanted. I really do love you. Probably been holding out for you my whole life if I’m honest. But I’m so mad at you I could push you off a fucking building right now. You know why?” Kane was still holding my hand, the anger from his temper vibrating from his body into his hand and I tried to pull mine away. “Stop…I said I could, but you know that I’d never hurt you. It doesn’t stop me being royally pissed off with you. Dennis,” he called out, looking to the door. We watched Dennis as he came inside and closed it quietly behind him.

  “Tell her what you told me.” Dennis shoved his hand into his pocket and looked at his feet before looking back at Kane then at me. “About two years before Kane was born his mom, my sister, Carly-Anne, was pregnant. Healthiest mother-to-be I ever saw. No problems whatsoever in her confinement and when her baby was born it was an easy birth. About five minutes after she was born she looked navy blue in color. Helena was her name and she lived for about four days. Kane’s dad was on a tour of duty at the time so Carly-Anne was staying with my wife and me until after the baby was born. When they realized how sick Helena was, they transferred them to a fancy high-tech hospital in New York, but the baby died on the way. They said it had something to do with the tubes in her heart being crossed over or something when they did the autopsy. They told us it was rarer in girls than boys. Yet, when Kane here was born, he was as fit as a horse.

  I tried to stand up from the bed, horror-stricken at my decision to believe it was Elliott’s baby and keep Kane out. His fingers tightened around mine. “Stop. Just stop, Jo.” His voice was quiet and calm. Too calm since he knew what I’d done. “I don’t blame you for any of the decisions you’ve taken. They’re pretty fucked up but I get you. You’re the same girl I knew back in the day. Always trying to keep your troubles to yourself and never wanting to upset anyone. But to throw the words back you’ve been slinging at me these past eight months, we’re not those kids anymore, babe. I’m mad as fuck with you, Josie, but I can’t find it in me to hold this against you. Apart from how deep my feelings run for you, how can I stay mad? Look what you did for me? Carrying the burden of a sick baby on your own? While you’ve been trying to soldier on, there are times when you must have felt life wasn’t worth living. I get that, Jo. I get your bravery. You are most definitely from military stock.”

  Kane dropped my hand and I stood. Facing him wasn’t easy with all that I’d learned. I felt ashamed I’d judged him so harshly. I was the girl that had always been meticulous about planning and keeping my decisions sound, and if Dennis was right, I had made a catastrophic error in not telling Kane I was pregnant.

  Edging his way to the side of the bed I saw him wince, but he held his hand up to stop Dennis when he reached forward to help. Even though he'd almost died less than a week ago, Kane’s independence and pride wouldn’t allow him to accept help. We were two of a kind. Standing in front of me, Kane tenderly brushed my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ears.

  Cupping my face in his hands, my throat closed at his gentle caress. I had found I coped better when no one touched me since Ellie had been born. Glancing down at me, the seriousness in his eyes crushed me. “I know you, Josie. Way better than you think. Coming from a military family you learn habits that die hard. One of those is sucking up all the negative feelings, and locking them away. You took on the worry of Ellie alone, that was fucking heroic, babe, but one hero in my life is more than enough. Heroes, by definition, are people that usually act alone, they do stuff above and beyond what is reasonable and they don’t think about the consequences to themselves. My dad was a hero, babe. I don’t want another one to grieve over. I’m tired and my head hurts, but this had to be said.”

  “I’m sorry.” There were no words to describe all the feelings that were relentlessly hitting me in waves, but the one
thing I was certain of was that Kane’s feelings were real. He was dignified and careful with his words when I doubted I’d have been as forgiving as he was. If Ellie had died and he was her father, then I could never have lived with myself.

  “I said I didn’t care whether I’m Ellie’s father or not, Josie. She’s a part of you and I’d love her no matter what, but I think it would be a good idea to find out for sure, especially with what my uncle knows.” Nodding my agreement, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to accept that we all needed to know for sure.

  Chapter 29

  Trying times

  Spending time with Kane had made me realize that there was so much more to talk about, but the timing was off. Nothing was as important as my baby, but Kane was a close second. He was the adult after all. When he asked me if he could visit her with me I felt so confused because our emotions were running high and I didn’t want to make another mistake. I needed some breathing space to absorb what Dennis had told me, and of course I agreed to the paternity test. Whether or not Kane was with me, Ellie deserved to know who her father was and if he was still alive. I’d been scared to face the truth about her paternity, but when it came down to watching both Ellie and Kane fight for their lives it was the turning point—to think I could have lost either one or both was more than I could have handled.

  *****

  Candice couldn’t stay away for long and back at the hospital the following morning. Talking to her and Jacob helped me to explore my feelings without feeling pressurized one way or another. It must have been hard for Kane but he gave me the space I needed to think things through, and I gave permission for the paternity test in return. The day after the paternity test he’d called to say he’d been discharged from hospital and was on his way to see me. Minutes later I heard a commotion outside my room.

  Opening it wide I saw a small crowd of excited fans around him asking for autographs and taking selfies with him. Despite what he’d been through Kane was grinning and joking around behaving as charismatic and flirty as he’d been before the attack. I watched him in awe as he moved effortlessly around them and wondered how he could still do that? He’d almost died just over a week before when an insane, knife-wielding boyfriend had taken his anger out on him because his girlfriend was doing exactly what those girls were doing.