Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  Glancing down the hall toward me he smiled, that same sexy smile that stole my heart, and excused himself. His uncle Dennis intervened, making space between the well-wishers and fans as Kane turned to walk toward me. A young girl of about sixteen darted in front of him, stopping him in his tracks and hesitantly waved a pen and paper at him.

  Kane flashed me a gorgeous grin and a wink, turned and gently took the paper being shoved at him. He murmured something to her and gestured the pen at me, then wrote on the paper. Handing it back, she glanced at it with her brow bunched, then smiled widely and looked up adoringly at him. By the time he reached me, I had to ask, “What did you write to her, she looked like she was about to pass out.

  “Kane Exeter.” He smirked wickedly. “I’m taken now…if you’ll have me? And, I know what a ball buster you are…I can hardly give her my number now, can I? But I did ask her how her day was going.” All the cockiness and confidence was still there, and I wondered how he had the nerve to stop and talk to those girls as if nothing had happened, when being famous had almost cost him his life.

  “Aren’t you scared? I mean after what…” My eyes searched his face; the thought was too painful to even contemplate.

  “I’m human and I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that’s not. But no one is ever going to stop me doing what I do. I’m the only one that makes that kind of decision about my life. But to most of those fans out there, I’m not the Kane Exeter that you know. I’m their escapism from real life. Hell, if you told some of them that I shit glitter and it smells like roasted marshmallows, they’d believe it. My problem isn’t them; it’s the ones who go to lengths to discredit what I am, those who are jealous of what I’m achieving. But I am the only one who will decide when to get off the ride. No one else.” I admired his resolute approach to his future, but at the back of my mind were the TV images of famous people killed in public by crazy people. John Lennon being the most notable one because of his career choice being the same as Kane’s.

  “Can we have a few minutes, Dennis,” he asked as Dennis reached the door.

  “Sure I had no intention of coming in anyway.” He glanced at me and smirked. “It’s no fun being around you two, the angst kills me. It’s like a scene from that movie his aunt keeps making me watch…Twilight.” Shaking his head, he wandered over and sat on the chair near the door of the room opposite mine. Kane laughed and continued to watch him. “Have at it then, I wasn’t planning on sitting in a corridor all day.”

  Without answering him, Kane ushered me into the room and closed the door. His face changed and became solemn. “Sit,” he commanded, in a gentle tone. I thought he was suddenly behaving a little weird then I realized he had the DNA results. “Do you want to or should I? I mean I don’t need any proof, but…” he gestured to the envelope. Personally, he was stronger than I was. He had acted so cool and collected in front of those people and yet he was carrying life-changing information around in his pocket while doing so.

  “You.” My voice was barely a whisper as my heart thudded hard in my chest, missing beats while he slowly and deliberately peeled the envelope open. He glanced at me; the look in his eyes told me that he desperately wanted her to be his. Suddenly I was so nervous I began to shake uncontrollably. Finally knowing who Ellie’s father was after months of uncertainty was mind-blowing. As he slowly took the paper out I silently pleaded with God to let Kane be her father. I didn’t care what he did or if he was around all the time, but I could see how much he wanted to be a part of her life. I had put off letting him see her—I wanted to know either way what his vested interest was even without the result. I knew he genuinely wanted her regardless, just like he wanted me.

  Unfolding the paper, Kane studied it for a moment with his brow knitted, his eyes reading left to right then he folded the paper again and stuffed it back in the manilla envelope. Taking a deep breath, he held it to his chest and closed his eyes, and for a split-second I doubted his right to stake his claim.

  Opening his eyes the weight of the contents had clearly affected him because he swallowed a couple of times as he stared straight at me and shook his head. “I never doubted she was mine, Josie. As soon as Dennis told me about my mom, I knew she was mine. I’ve been patient, more patient than I have ever been in my life with you. But now you know the truth. Can I see her? My baby…our baby?”

  “That’s it? You’re not going to scream at me? You’re not angry that I kept it from you?”

  “Would that make you feel better? Would it change anything? No. And yeah, I’m as pissed as fuck at you for doing it all on your own, but I get you, Jo. I’ve always been able to get you. What’s done can’t be changed, but it’s how we go forward that matters. I got this now, that’s what’s important.” His serious stare carried the weight of responsibility.

  “No, Kane, I don’t need a caveman, we’ve got this.”

  Kane never showed me the paper at that point, but frankly, I didn’t need it. Ellie without the tubes and monitors was the spitting image of Kane. Same color hair, huge blue sparkling eyes, and his beautiful full lips on her perfect little rosebud mouth. Kane came over and knelt on the floor beside my chair and winced. He sat back on his calves to face me. “Josie, I swear to you, I will cherish you and Ellie with all that I can be if you’ll give me the chance.” I reached out and stroked his cheek and he rose on his knees and kissed me gently. Within seconds it had deepened and a soft, breathy moan escaped my lips as our tongues began to explore. Kane suddenly pulled away, coughed, and winced again. “See, even when you’ve just had a baby, you manage to take my breath away.”

  There was no reason not to agree anymore. Anything he wanted he could have, but that was only if he treated us with respect. I felt that even though I hadn’t known him long as an adult, he’d treat us with more than that. When I asked him if he wanted to go right then to see Ellie, the smile on his face stretched wide and his hand was on the door handle before the sound of my words had died in the room.

  Kane had refused security once he’d left his room and reassured everyone, his uncle was all the support he needed. I disagreed and on our way down to Ellie, Kane met three well-wishers who had heard what had happened to him. I figured the world probably knew what had happened, and although they were fans, it had felt unnerving when people he didn’t know had walked straight up to him, shook his hand, and asked how he felt like they’d known him all their lives.

  My mind turned to Ellie and the dangers she had faced, and how she had survived. With each passing day that followed her surgery, she came more to life and acted like the normal baby she appeared to be. I never realized that I hadn’t heard her cry properly until she wouldn’t stop one morning. It made me anxious, but the nursing staff were quick to reassure me it was a wonderful sound, because babies used a lot of energy crying, and Ellie didn’t have much of that before her surgery.

  From that point on my confidence grew by the hour, and taking Kane to the unit on that particular day marked a watershed, because I already knew what he was going to find out—Ellie was being discharged from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or NICU, to my care, and back to my room. For forty-eight hours, I was going to take charge under the watchful eyes of the staff, so that I felt confident when we went home.

  Approaching the door into her room, Kane’s hand squeezed mine. “Fuck.” He was nervous, his normal swagger and cocky tone stripped away, my big alpha male had the vulnerability that had led me to accept that he’d do me no wrong.

  “Kane, you’re a father now, you can’t swear around her.” I snickered at the worried look he gave me then he smiled lopsidedly.

  “I bet you were no better the first time you saw her.” He was right. I was just as unprepared as he was, and I’d carried her around inside me for eight months.

  My heart squeezed tightly as he entered the alien environment. Kane’s worried face was worse than Jacob’s had been the first time I’d brought him with me. All the staff looked con
fused that Kane had come with me, only the doctor who took the DNA from Ellie knew Kane was the father. “Hi, honey, we don’t normally allow people who aren’t related into the unit. You know how protective we are of our little ones with their fragile immune systems,” Angela said, but eyed Kane up and down like she’d devour him in a heartbeat.

  “Kane’s related, Angela, he’s Ellie’s father. He’s just been discharged from the high dependency suite upstairs.”

  Angela’s eyes bugged out because until that point I’d been the poor single mom with a sick baby. Now she was looking at me like I was a rock star’s girlfriend and baby momma. I snickered because I was exactly that. Kane looked a little lost with the hand-washing routine and sanitizer, but once he was ready I took him by the hand and wandered over to the open cot she was in. “Kane, this is your daughter, Ellie. Ellie, honey, this is your daddy.” Tears pricked my eyes in an unexpected wave of emotion that caught my throat and me completely by surprise. “Sit on the chair, Kane, and open your shirt.”

  Sitting in slow motion his eyes never left her. “My shirt?”

  “Yes, baby bonding is important and skin to skin contact is the best there is for a little one like Ellie.”

  He never protested, just undid his buttons and pushed the sides wide. My breath hitched when I saw the scars on his left shoulder and just below his collar bone. I knew it was rude but I couldn’t help staring. “Oh God, Kane,” I said shakily, holding Ellie mid-air.

  Looking down at his chest he scoffed, “I’m fine, they just make me look a little more badass. Come on, please give me my daughter, I’ve been dying to meet her.” As he motioned with both hands for her, I laid her on him and watched as our baby’s hand made contact with her father’s skin. It was as if she knew his significance in her life. Instantly Ellie’s little hand opened from the closed fist it had been in to a flat palm against his warmth as she nuzzled against his smooth skin before lying contentedly still against Kane’s chest.

  I watched him inhale her scent for the first time when he bent forward and kissed her tiny head. The way he handled her with confidence despite his injuries touched my heart. One strong hand splayed in a gentle, protective hold, while his other softly explored her fingers and stroked her cheek with the back of his index finger. His eyes brimmed with tears as he glanced up, looking directly at me, and I witnessed the emotional tidal wave he’d been bravely holding back. Swallowing roughly, he bent to kiss her again, all the while treating her with the delicacy of the precious baby that she was. Seeing them together cemented my thoughts and grounded me. We’re going to do this no matter what.

  “She’s so fragile. A little angel right here on Earth,” he uttered, almost to himself. Slouching down a little he closed his eyes and held her quietly there for a long while. I imagined what was running through his mind at that precise moment, and remembered what I had felt when I held her for the first time that way. I’d never be able to articulate into words what I had felt as I’d tried to absorb the collision of words and emotions too deep to fathom.

  *****

  An hour visit with Ellie almost wiped us both out; it was an emotionally draining time. Kane was too quiet as he walked me back to my room. Dennis had called asking if Kane was ready to leave, but Kane had told him to go home as we had a lot to talk about. He was right we had a lot to talk about, but despite his excuse to his uncle once we were alone he looked tired and barely said a word. An uneasy silence grew between us and Kane grew restless until it seemed he couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself any longer.

  “Jo. Are we really gonna do this? Gonna be a family?” My heartbeat rapidly accelerated because sensed a note of doubt in his voice. My heart pounded in my chest and for a moment I thought he had changed his mind about taking responsibility and dealing with someone like me.

  “Do you still want that?”

  “Absolutely. With everything in me, babe.” Relief washed through me and my heart rate began to settle down.

  “So what’s wrong?”

  Inhaling deeply, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. It looked even better than before he did it. He looked so hot and appealing, but appeared to look troubled at the same time.

  “This isn’t easy to talk about, Jo, but I need to get this off my chest. We’ve always been honest with each other and I don’t want something that comes back on us later. I’d never have brought this up but sometime in the future someone may have something to say about Ellie. Right after I left you I had a one night stand. You had said no to me and for me to go. I went with it and tried to forget you because I thought that’s what you wanted. I met a girl in a bar when I got back to Boston. It’s no secret how I was. I’m sorry, I was hurt when I left you. And I was single. Anyway…she came back to Cody’s place and we…I thought it was one night. Just like many I’d had. You know I wasn’t a saint. So, about three months ago the same girl rocked up and told me she was pregnant.” He stopped talking and sat on the chair, placed his hands between his open knees and rubbed them nervously together.

  “Cody, Zander and I were eating dinner in this diner in Boston close to the record label studio. Anyway, she saunters in with a bump, saw us and headed straight for us. Cody nudged me and asked, “Did y’all use a rubber? ‘Cause I know I did.” Zander looked to me and looked at her then said, “Never fucked that one. You know I ain’t into redheads.” I stared at the girl and looked back at Cody. “Sure. Never been bareback in my life,” I answered him confidently, thinking it was most probably Cody’s, because if anyone is sloppy about sex it’s him.”

  “Thing is she never stopped walking, came right up to the table and said, “Y’all—I need money to get rid of this kid. It’s sick.” I was disgusted by both myself for ever being with her, and the nonchalant attitude she had about the life she was carrying. Cody turned to me and asked, “Wanna go halves with me?” I shook my head no, and asked her what was wrong…she said the kid had a bad heart, her words not mine. I offered her medical attention, telling her I’d arrange for her to see a good doctor, and get a second opinion, but I was confused as to how someone would know their baby had that kind of a problem before it was born. She refused to discuss it, saying she just wanted to be done with it. Cody opened his wallet and pulled out five hundred dollars, in hundreds, then dug into his backpack and pulled out a thick roll of more hundreds, handing them to her he said, “Do what you gotta do, and get your life back,” it made me feel sick.”

  Kane swallowed and ran his hand through his hair again before looking at me. “I jumped up and reached over to grab the money from the table—I wanted to make her see sense, but Cody stood up and blocked my way, he held me back when she ran out the door. By the time I reached the sidewalk the car she was in had pulled away from the curb and I never saw her again. I was too late, but it dawned on me why she had stuck out. It was because she reminded me of you.”

  “Thanks—a pregnant hook up reminded you of me?”

  “No, I only remembered her because of you. There’s a difference.”

  “I’m only bringing her up because she’s been on my mind since I found out about my mom’s baby and Ellie. When Dennis told me about Ellie, my mind went back to what she had said. Then I thought if she had told me the truth then, Ellie must be my baby.” I used the same strip of condoms I’d used with you. I’m not proud, but I can’t lie either, the condoms must have been faulty. I’m telling you this not to hurt you but for a much bigger reason. He pulled the envelope out of his pocket. “99.99 percent likelihood…no room for doubt. If we do this, Jo, I won’t have more kids. This is the only reason I’m telling you about her. Ellie’s condition is on me and I’m never putting another child through what Ellie went through. Or you for that matter.”

  “Kane. This isn’t even up for discussion. We have Ellie. I don’t ever want to go through that again.” It hurt to hear his story that someone else may have been carrying his child, but I understood why he told me.

  Kane exhaled heavi
ly. “I’ll take care of it…if you’re serious…what if…”

  “We lost Ellie? God forbid that would ever happen, but I wouldn’t want her replaced.” Standing up, he made his way across to me and hugged me as tightly as he could and I would allow.

  “Can I stay the night?”

  “No, you have my parents to take care of. Go and break the news to them and come back in the morning. I want some time to get used to doing this on my own. I want to be able to do that from the beginning.”

  Kane nodded, reluctant to leave but he kissed me gently then hovered over Ellie’s cot. “She’s pretty incredible.” A smile crept over his lips. “Like her mom.” Turning to me he stroked my nose like he did when we were kids. “I’ll be here bright and early—7:00 am, okay?” I nodded and smiled while I watched him leave. As soon as he left the room I missed him. When I looked at Ellie she seemed to smile. Okay it was probably wind, but I felt hope for our future for the first time since I knew I was pregnant.

  Chapter 30

  Crying

  When my parents got over the shock of Kane being Ellie’s father, my dad made the comment he made all those years ago after Kane’s dad’s funeral—Kane and I would find our way back. He went on to say, “Life is strange, sometimes there are things in our future that were always there, it’s only when we look back that we realize a plan was already forming and our destiny had already been written.”

  I stared in disbelief at my dad, that something so profound had come out of his mouth. It was the first time I had ever heard him say anything that wasn’t backed up by hard evidence. The man I knew normally regarded everything in life as purely anecdotal otherwise. It was like he’d swallowed a bottle of hippy pills or something. “What I mean is you and Kane…from the time you were little you had this affinity for each other.” I liked that description of us—affinity. He was right, we had.