Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  Around 7:00 pm I was applying some lipstick when I heard car tires crunch over the snow in the driveway and was furious when I looked out and saw he’d driven home. Drinking and driving was illegal and his complete disregard for life set my mood right back where it had been all afternoon.

  I didn’t trust myself to face Kane at that moment and I went to check on Ellie. A few minutes later I felt stronger and taking a deep breath I left her nursery. I saw him standing on the stairs with a huge bunch of red roses, wrapped in clear cellophane and tied with a huge crimson bow. My initial thought was that he’d been told what day it was and the flowers were compensation for his screw-up, but then I noticed the expensive black jacket, crisp button-down shirt and dress pants he was wearing.

  “Where have you been?”

  “I’ve been gone all day and all you can say is where have you been? No I missed you darling, or what beautiful flowers, babe, or wow, you look hot in those threads, honey?” Once he’d started speaking I knew he hadn’t been drinking and I didn’t understand what was going on. “You look beautiful, by the way,” he commented with a panty-melting smile. I shook my head and felt all the animosity I’d been carrying around slide straight out of my pores.

  “You remembered?”

  “Remembered?” He looked down at how he was dressed then to the flowers and finally at me. “Valentine’s Day, you mean? Like I could forget? Men have been hung for less, babe.” He smirked at me sexily.

  “So where have you been? You didn’t have beers with the boys dressed like that,” I questioned.

  “Get your boots on, let me show you,” he coaxed, walking over to me and kissing me lightly on the lips. “Don’t worry Ellie’s not going anywhere, she’s down for at least seven hours, right? And your mom is going to take care of her if she wakes in the meanwhile.”

  *****

  Less than ten minutes later, Kane had driven down a side track and pulled over beside a house that was warm and inviting. Red brick with pillars over an entrance walkway led up to a ruby-red painted door with silver hardware. “Who lives here?” I asked, even more confused because I had thought with the way he was dressed we were going to a fancy restaurant for dinner.

  “I do. Welcome to my new home.” The shock of what he said made my heart shatter. “I wanted to share it with you. Come on,” he said, pulling the handle on the door and running around to my side.

  All I could think as he led me inside was that he was leaving me. Since he had a place of his own he was moving out.

  Swallowing nervously, I stepped inside and was surprised at his taste in décor. Three large, comfortable, brown velvet sofas; a roaring real flame fire, and a smattering of rustic oak wooden furniture. There were carpets that were a few tones lighter than cream in one half of the room and the part leading to the kitchen was in oak wood as well.

  “It’s great. I’m sure you’ll be really happy here,” I enthused, but felt like I was having an out-of-body experience that I was even there at all. I had no idea that he’d found somewhere, let alone bought it.

  “I intend to be.” He smiled at me while pulling my coat off my shoulders. “Let me show you around,” he said, pulling me by the hand. “Kitchen,” he said, passing it and entering a long passageway. “Guest bedroom.” He motioned toward a room, throwing open a door as we went past. “Family bathroom.” Again motioning toward a room, throwing open the door. I barely got a glimpse of the massive square Jacuzzi with mosaic tiling and tiny lights embedded around it before he pulled me further. “Guest bedroom two. This one has a bathroom but when you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, right?” He grinned and I wished I could have felt happy for him. I was happy for him, but sad for myself. “This is a mini gym. There is a cross-training machine, a rowing machine, a treadmill, and a couple of bench press areas. I had an awesome sound system installed in here, and there’s a projector that’s aimed at that wall over there.”

  I was about to say something when he pushed open the double doors at the other end of the room and the opulence of the adjoining room took my breath away. It looked incredible with a massive four-poster bed that looked like it had come directly from King Henry VIII’s castle in England. The thick, white silk bedding must have cost him a fortune and the chaise longue that stretched the width of the bed looked stunning. It was totally me once, but the thing that made my jaw drop was that it took me straight back to a heartbreaking moment I’d shared with him when we were kids.

  Kane eyed me suspiciously then grinned mischievously. Leaning over toward me, he crooked his index finger under my chin and closed my mouth. “I think you know this room,” he murmured softly.

  My eyes scanned every detail and when I saw the fireplace with the tall silver candelabras either side I knew he’d remembered. “You did this? Really? You made this ridiculous room for me?”

  “Ah, you remember, thank God.” He smirked and pulled me into his chest for a tight hug.

  I glanced up in awe. “How the hell do you remember this?” I stared incredulously at him, then around the room again, speechless. Everything was just perfect. Crazy but perfect.

  “We’ll come to that a little later. Come on, there are some rooms on the other side of the house, two play rooms, one with a bar, pool table, gaming machines and shit, and one that’s a pamper room. Down the far end there’s a little cinema room with half a dozen chairs in there. But in here…” His words trailed off, as he paused to look into my eyes for a moment while he pulled me toward a door that he hadn’t opened. Turning the handle, he pushed the door open wide and it was almost a replica of Ellie’s nursery at home.

  “I know it’s still early. Don’t think I missed that little wig out session I witnessed when I mentioned looking for a place. I figured that if I waited for you, it wouldn’t happen anytime soon. You are one hell of a procrastinator, Jo. So, I took the initiative and went ahead hoping that if you came and saw it you’d know how serious I am about us.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. I was much more grateful than I sounded, and felt terrible when I thought how angry I was with him. All that time he was making a home for us.

  “You don’t have to move in with me. I just wanted you to know how all in I am with you and our daughter. I can wait, Jo. I’ll wait for as long as you need, but I need this space. I need to work and I can’t do it without feeling like I’m in the way at your parents’ house.”

  A knock at the door disturbed what he was saying and he jumped up and ran to the door. It reminded me of the day at my apartment. “Jesus, you’re Kane Exeter,” the delivery girl exclaimed. Kane gave me a sly glance before turning back to her. “Nah, I wish. That guy isn’t as good looking as me, but you’re not the first to say that,” he replied with a huge grin on his face. Taking the food from her, he handed her a ten dollar bill and closed the door.

  “Dinner is served, princess.” He smiled and placed the brown paper bags on the table.

  I glanced at the branding on the bag. “Fast food, Kane?” I giggled.

  “Not just any fast food, come here and sit down beside me.” He dropped to the floor on the carpet and beckoned me to do the same, so I crouched down then sat, Indian style, to face him. “Do you remember the day you drew the picture in your bedroom of your prince’s castle, Jo? Your prince was tall and dark, and you told me he looked a lot like me.” He laughed and slid alongside me, nudging my shoulder as he reached up and lifted the brown paper take-out bag between us. Kane took a burger out from a box and bit a huge juicy mouthful. Turning to me, he grinned again, his mouth full of food he mumbled, “How am I doing?” My heart was beating out of my chest because he was re-enacting a the vivid memory from the last day we were together in Germany as kids, right down to the ketchup that splattered his face when he had taken a bite of the burger.

  “I love you,” I said as tears sprang to my eyes.

  “Yeah you told me that at the time as well…I remember it like it was yesterday.”

  I reached
up and placed my palm on his cheek, wiping the ketchup with my thumb. “You have no idea what this means to me, Kane.”

  “And you still have no idea what you mean to me, Jo. I don’t know how else to show you how desperately I want this with you. Wait here.”

  Rising to his feet he made off down the hall and came back with a huge white envelope with a red heart on the front.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe, I hope you like your gift.”

  My eyes never left his as I fumbled with the seal and opened the card. I broke our stare and looked down as I pulled out a fabulously cheesy card with two cute kids, a boy with brown hair and a smaller blonde girl with her hair in a ponytail. Tears blurred my vision because it was similar to the card he’d sent me for my twenty-first birthday. Glancing up to meet his gaze I saw love and warmth in them as well as a naughty glint that made him as sexy as hell. He was chewing his lip and I felt his anticipation as I opened the card. My heart almost stopped, as the shock at what he’d given me ran in all directions through me. My eyes darted to his and he was still biting his lip, but the trademark grin slowly replaced his worry.

  “Thought you may have needed that for reference…in case your memory was a little blurry,” he taunted.

  Inside was the picture I had drawn the night before we left Germany. It was my dream bedroom from my prince I was going to marry when I grew up’s castle. The positions of the furniture were exactly where I’d drawn them in his room.

  “You gave it to me as a parting gift after we sat on the floor eating burgers. It’s one of the few things I have left from my childhood, Jo. That and your letters.”

  “I don’t know what to say…”

  “Then do you mind if I do?”

  I giggled, still awestruck, “Sure.”

  “You don’t really want to sleep in a room like that, do you?” he asked, chuckling. “If you don’t mind me saying it’s fucking hideous, but I’d do it if it meant you were here with me.”

  “Are you being cheesy or romantic?” I teased.

  “Both, it’s Valentine’s…I can be as cheesy as fuck and still be sexy in my prince’s suit,” he laughed as he gestured toward his attire.

  I giggled raucously. “Damn, that’s what the suit was about.”

  “Yep, the suit is right there,” he said, tapping the wonky prince image I’d drawn in the picture. We both laughed as Kane sat back down and nudged me with his shoulder. “Well, Jo. Am I your prince? Does Jo go to the ball, wear the magic slipper and get fucked every which way by the handsome, drop-dead, sexy-as-fuck, can’t keep your hands off him, want to suck his cock until it dissolves, prince?”

  I roared with laughter and it felt amazing. For that night, at least, we were just two normal young people reminiscing about the good old days.

  Kane became serious and explained he’d picked the house for its location, less than five minutes from the cardiac unit at the local hospital, ten minute car ride to my parents’ place and ten minutes in the other direction to the airport. He had given our future a lot of consideration and as soon as I’d seen the bedroom he’d gone to all the effort to replicate, I knew I had been a fool to say no to us moving in with him.

  Chapter 33

  Confidence

  Packing our things for the move felt exciting. Instead of my heart feeling heavy it felt excited and full of anticipation. Every day since I’d met Kane again had been a journey, and even with my reservations about his lifestyle, I felt more equipped to deal with any issues that arose. Ellie grew stronger by the day, and had survived her first cold. And at almost three months, her heart doctor was happy for her appointments to be moved from the two-weekly reviews to three monthly instead. His confidence in her gave me confidence to move our lives forward. She was sleeping through the night by that time and life suddenly felt much easier.

  Moving home had felt right, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t felt some degree of worry, but then I think the deep thinker in me had always been a bit of a worrier, and that hadn’t helped. Kane was awesome during the move, he’d arranged everything to be right where it needed to be and had changed the bedroom furniture to a style more in keeping with the house, but informed me that his prince’s suit was available in his closet for me to rip off any time I found a yearning for it. Those first few days after I moved in were idyllic as we planned and discussed small details together to make the house our home.

  Three days after our move Kane began to focus on his band again, and true to his word he worked with the physio who drove him hard, too hard in my opinion for someone who’d been so ill. At the same time rehearsals started up for his comeback gig and all the things I loved about Kane’s personality seemed to shine. It was then that I realized the full impact of his ordeal and what he’d been missing during his time out in recovery.

  At first I felt sick and apprehensive about him being attacked again, but when I saw how excited he was about performing in New York, I couldn’t help but get caught up in his enthusiasm. Watching how animated he became when he talked about it was enthralling. He came to life when he described his thoughts and feelings about getting up on that stage, and that helped me accept that he was born to do it. Being good at a job you like and having a need to share a talent were two entirely different things, and for Kane he most definitely had a vocation.

  Kane’s band manager was amazing in that he arranged for all the band members to come to Maryland and practice in Baltimore so that Kane could stay at home until the actual event day. And with rehearsals and physio he had a full-on schedule. I worried that he was taking on too much, too quickly, but he reassured me he was feeling fine.

  Mom and Dad thought I was worrying needlessly and persuaded me to go with him to a couple of rehearsals, and although it was hard to leave Ellie with them, I took them up on their offer. The first time I left her I felt dreadful, but with regular calls and texts during the afternoon I began to relax. My parents weren’t unskilled, and usually it was me acting on advice from them when taking care of Ellie so I knew she couldn’t be in safer hands. Candice was a star too, always there with encouragement and often kept Ellie amused while I was getting ready to go.

  Kane was delighted I went to hang out and listen to them practice. All the band members were on their best behavior and there wasn’t a groupie in sight. Catherine, his PA, seemed genuinely warm. She was at ease and friendly around Kane and a pang of jealousy shook me that I tried to shrug off, but I couldn’t help having Elliott’s voice in my ear, No one is just friends with Kane Exeter.

  On our journey home that day, I was quiet. Getting out of the car, Kane picked up on my mood. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded, because to say that I was would have been speaking a lie.

  “Alright, out with it. Something’s bugging you. Is it Cody? Because I warned him about how he behaves around you.” Pressing me for an answer made me understand that if it was going to work between us then I had to speak my thoughts. If I held them close to my chest then he’d start to do the same, and that wasn’t the kind or relationship I wanted going forward.

  “Catherine.”

  The expression on Kane’s face was pure confusion and I knew before I even asked him what the answer was, but I had gone that far so I had to continue. “She’s very…easy around you…comfortable. Did you…I mean have you—”

  “Did I fuck her? Is that what you’re asking?” My heart jolted at his crude question, the beat of it raced as I held my breath while he looked at me with concern. Walking around to my side of the car he slid his arm around me and pulled me close to his chest, kissing my head. “If that’s what you’re asking, then the answer is no. Rule number one in this business, you never shit where you eat. And for the record, I stopped shitting the day I saw you at Thanksgiving. She’s my PA, Jo. Nothing more. She’s a great girl with a great boyfriend. Don is an ice hockey player, so he travels a lot for games, their relationship works well and they are just about as in love with each other as I
am with you. So… no, Jo. Catherine is someone who ‘does’ for me but I don’t do her.”

  The relief was instant. I never wanted to be someone who was the jealous type, but I wasn’t kidding myself about how Kane looked, everyone that got close to him wanted to paw him in some way. Guys patted his back, hugged him or gripped him by the shoulder. Women clung onto his arm, touched his hand, patted his chest, or put their hand on his leg when they spoke. It wasn’t just talking, most of their conversations were laced with intent. Kane took it all in his stride, guiding a wandering hand away while still answering their questions. No one could be near him without touching, my grandma included.

  “I have no secrets from you, Jo. And yet, there is a distinct possibility that we’ll run into someone that I’ve been with, but they were a fuck. Not a relationship. I’m sorry if that sounds blunt and I know it hurts you to hear that. I can’t change my past but I can control my dick, babe. My future is with you, not some chick that wants to fuck a rock star for kicks. No one knows me like you, Josie Carmichael, and I want it to stay that way.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, feeling ashamed that I brought it up. But his words still stung just as much as if he had slapped me.

  “What the fuck are you sorry for? It’s natural that you’d feel awkward. I’m glad Elliott’s dead, because he was the one guy I never wanted to meet, and I did. The thought that you’d let him inside you made me so fucking livid that my whole body shook with temper when I saw him sitting with you. I never want you to experience that, but I can’t prevent it, Jo. Everything that happened before has been put to one side. You are ‘the one’ my one—mine.” Kane pressed his lips together firmly, his steely blue eyes becoming hard while his tone sounded frustrated and determined at the same time. It was really hot when he said mine. My heart flipped over in my chest because the possession in how he said it meant everything to me, and I accepted that if he could prevent any hurt from affecting me he’d do it.