Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  *****

  Weeks and months rolled by as we found our feet as a new family, and still our little girl continued to thrive. Seeing her grow and react to her world, reaching her milestones, gave me more hope. There were even some days I almost forgot how sick she’d been. Neither Kane nor I felt complacent about her health. We both knew that our world could change on the spin of a dime, because the memories still burned in the back of our minds from those first days after she’d been born. If I had to carry that burden I was glad I shared it with Kane because his love for us carried me through anything we faced, and we faced it together.

  Watching the way Kane behaved with his boundless energy and his zest for life, it was hard to imagine what could have happened if that guy who attacked him had taken him from me. As his concert drew nearer, I saw more and more of the Kane Exeter in public that I’d first recognized on TV. A few days before he was due to perform we traveled to New York, my mom traveling with us to watch over Ellie. I couldn’t have gone all that way and left her behind. I was anxious enough about Kane and I knew I’d have to focus as it was the first real test to my strength of character around the music culture.

  Once we arrived in New York I felt as if I’d stepped out of my life and into a fantasy. In public, there were hardly any traces of the normal man I knew, and the people we met were anything but sincere, all gushing compliments and praising Kane like he was stupid and couldn’t see through their façade, but he never once called them on it. Instead, he smiled his sexiest smile, remained the charismatic rock star, and thanked each of them kindly, but always kept us moving along. How he did it I had no idea, and the fact I was with him did nothing to deter the ‘touchy-feely’ behavior of the people we met. I’d have felt ignored but for the fact that Kane kept whispering things in my ear like, he loved me, I smelled awesome, and asking me if I was okay. But it wasn’t about me; this was all about the man I loved, and watching him work his magic.

  During the months leading up to the gig I saw a change in the attitude of Cody and Zander, the two most outspoken members of the band. Andrew, the lead guitarist, had always been a quiet man who emanated angst and mystery, but he was polite. I had the feeling he was careful about what he said around me. Cody was the hardest to tame, but underneath the whorish behavior was a man who had attachment issues. He tried too hard to be noticed and when the attention was given he shrank in size instead of growing taller when the spotlight fell on him.

  Zander was funny and blunt. If he had a filter I never saw it. He wound Kane up like a coiled spring. It was funny to watch because as soon as he went too far, Kane became the alpha that he was, and Zander sloped off to lick his wounds. Being around them without all the glitz and frenzy of the live performance I’d seen before gave me a different view of Kane’s bandmates, they were just ordinary guys who had made it big, and in my opinion had no real direction of what to do next. When Zander spent a little time around Candice at our place he was quite sweet on her. According to her, the feeling was mutual but she played hard to get with her treat them mean keep them keen attitude. By the day the band was due to perform they no longer intimidated me—but I think my presence intimidated them. Kane explained that it was the first time a female had entered the inner sanctum of the workings of the band.

  *****

  During the night before the concert, I felt Kane’s restlessness. We’d made love once and afterward he was still hard and not able to settle so he fucked me a second time and then got up and showered. His adrenaline was pumping and nothing was helping him settle. I wasn’t sure if it was due to the concert or what had happened to him the last time he’d been in a hotel room that kept him awake. Eventually, I lay him on the bed and massaged him until my hands were sore and he finally fell asleep. I crawled alongside him and wound my arm around his waist, my face close to his skin and inhaled his scent, exhausted but contented that I’d been able to relax him enough for him to rest. It has got to be daunting to go out there after what’s happened to him.

  A knock on the door woke me to find Kane bare-chested, hair messy and looking every bit the rock star image most women imagined first thing in the morning. “I’ll be leaving around 2:00 pm.” I heard him mumble as he closed the door and wheeled breakfast into the room. I realized that Tony, the guy who’d been hired to protect Kane, had arrived along with breakfast before Kane had opened the door. Knowing someone was there to protect him like that was reassuring and scary in equal parts because it emphasized the risks Kane took to bring pleasure to so many.

  “Good morning, beautiful.” He beamed his gorgeous, sexy smile as he climbed on the bed, trapped me tightly beneath the covers with his limbs and sat lightly on me . “Doesn’t this feel better than when we were kids? Me sitting on top of you?” A naughty look that warned of his desires affected me right down to my core and he bent forward to kiss me.

  “Don’t, I haven’t brushed my teeth yet,” I mumbled, turning my head away from him.

  Kane grabbed my face and turned my head to make eye contact. “My tongue has been inside you, I’ve licked every fucking inch of your body, and I’ve loved every second of it, Jo. Not even morning breath can keep me away from you.” He chuckled and moved his mouth to mine. I pursed my lips in refusal. Kane’s tongue pierced my lips and thrust deep into my mouth sending a pang of desire shooting through my body. I moaned involuntarily as his tongue teased and coaxed and within seconds I was responded like he was my only source of air.

  Pulling back, he broke the kiss and smirked wickedly. “Damn, Jo, I expected more of a fight there, you’re getting too easy.” Crawling off me, he laughed softly and flung back the comforter. With a quick, sharp, smack, he playfully slapped my bare butt, bent forward and nibbled it. “Fuck, girl, I’m insatiable around you, get up and eat before I ride you into next week and make you bow-legged,” he said as he walked away. Shaking his head, he ran his hands through his hair like it was painful to leave me alone. I laughed and shook mine, enjoying his playfulness, and relished the thought that the nerves he displayed earlier seemed to be gone.

  “Are you ready for this, Kane?” I asked as I slid into the chair by the place he’d set at the small table where he’d laid the breakfast out.

  “I am. Can’t wait to get out there.” His easy, beautiful smile reached his gorgeous, bright blue eyes. “Are you?”

  “Am I?” I had no clue what he meant.

  “Yeah, are you prepared for this? For being famous by default. Ready for your prince to be a king for the day?” He smirked at me, and I knew he was self-mocking from what the papers had said by calling him The New King of Rock.

  “Don’t get above yourself, Kane, Elvis was the king.”

  “Yeah but he’s dead, and the show must go on.” He gave me a grin that melted my heart. He leaned across the table and took my hand in his. “When I’m up there today, I want you standing right at the side where I can see you whenever I turn around. I’m not just going out there for them, Jo. I’m going out there for us, you get that?”

  “I do, and I can’t wait to share it with you.” Kane’s smile was as wide as I’d seen it, pleased that I was with him one hundred percent for his journey back to his rock star performance.

  *****

  Chapter 34

  I got it

  We arrived at Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park, hours before Kane’s performance, but Kane, being the music buff he was, wanted to listen to some of his favorite bands before his spot. Hedon1sm, as concert headliners, were the last band scheduled to play. Kane took me to sit in a cordoned-off area. He was dressed in a plaid shirt, shades, and baseball cap that reminded me of the day I first saw him at the airport. It was obviously his public disguise and although I’d seen him dress like that plenty of times, I’d only ever seen him wear that type of clothing in public when he wanted to shake off attention.

  Tony, The Henchman as Kane called him, sat beside Kane and I sat on his other side. I knew there were a few more Tonys dotted aroun
d us that had been provided by the event organizers, so I felt easier knowing they were all watching him. It turned out that I enjoyed some of music from the bands and Kane tried patiently to teach me what he thought was clever about their music while I became his willing student. There were various other artists around us, some who Kane knew on sight. All of them respected each other’s privacy in public. Of course, some were more recognizable than others, their appearance unable to be disguised. I felt lucky that Kane seemed able to slip under the wire the way he did most of the time.

  As the day wore on I could feel his itch—the moment observing was no longer enough, he became restless. A few hours before his band was up on stage, we left to eat with them before their performance. Watching how alive Kane became when he spoke about the other performances to his band told me so much more about the kind of man he was. Everything he said was positive and supportive and if one of the others said something that sounded negative, Kane was quick to converse with them. Although validating their point sounded much more like constructive criticism.

  With fifteen minutes to go, Kane and the band had changed into their stage gear as their manager and the stage manager clued them up on some final arrangements. A few people I’d never seen prior to that point came in with packs of equipment. Minutes later, two ear pieces hung down the front of his open neck shirt. He turned, his eyes seeking out mine in the room full of people. Making his way to me, he hugged me tightly, clasping his hands at my lower back. He swayed me gently from side to side and smiled lovingly down at my face. “So, Josephine Carmichael, are you ready for me to rock your world?”

  “You already rock my world,” I replied, smiling slowly back at him.

  “And you rock mine, babe.” Kane dipped his head closer. “I love you so fucking much, Jo,” he murmured into my hair then kissed my head. Leaning back to look at me, his smile was slow and deliberate. “Ready to fangirl?” He laughed as his he stepped back and grabbed my hand. “Alright guys, let’s show them how it’s done.” Instantly I was being tugged along the corridor and into a space below the right side of the stage. “Up here, babe. Catherine will show you where you need to be so as I can see you.” Kane kissed my closed mouth, turned and headed over to the rest of his band while Catherine smiled and gestured the way she wanted me to walk.

  “I’m nervous for him,” Catherine stated, and I immediately connected with her feelings.

  “Me too, my heart is in my mouth,” I replied. That was nowhere near the emotional chaos that had taken over my body. Anyone would think it was me that was facing tens of thousands of people.

  “Kane is a total pro, Josie. Takes everything in his stride, he just needs to get this one over with and everything will be back as it was for him.

  “Did he tell you he was nervous?” I asked because although he’d had his fitful sleep the previous night, he hadn’t shown his nerves that day to me. I viewed him more as excited and keen than nervous during the day.

  “Oh, he’s been pretty subdued today, for a gig this size, he’s normally gearing up the boys and reassuring them, but I haven’t seen any of that.” It made me think he was thinking a little more about what happened to him. Or he was worried but had put a brave face on for me.

  Suddenly a short, fast paced riff from Andrew blared out of the massive speakers and I almost jumped out of my skin. The roar of the crowd erupted like a sound wave that grew in volume. Kane stepped out of the darkness and into the hot spotlights, waving his bare arms above his head. The noise went to a whole new level. Andrew’s guitar solo continued, but in a muted form as Kane walked to the front of the stage with his hands open as he palmed both sides of the microphone stand. “Good evening, Sheep’s Meadow, it’s an honor to be here tonight.” The cacophony from the people would have raised the roof if there had been one.

  “It’s been a long day today, have you all been having fun?” he asked, grinning at the camera that beamed his face to the crowd on the huge screens all over the park. When he asked them that question, the noise, even in that outside space, reached an insane level of decibels as the fans screamed their affirmative replies.

  “Well, alright then, glad to hear you’ve been entertained. I’m Kane Exeter in case you don’t know me, and I hope you all swapped blades for your shades for this gig.” The audience went berserk, cheering and whistling for Kane as he made light reference to the knifeman who almost robbed him of the moment with them.

  “Alright, yeah, pretty fucked-up, huh? Well never mind because I’m still here and our band Hedon1sm are going take the curtain down on the night with the final songs of the gig. I hope you’ll join in with me ‘cause…I guess it’s been a while, and I might be a little rusty,” he joked. Nodding his head to Zander to cue the music, three clicks with his sticks then he and Andrew hit the first note in sync and my heart nearly fell on the floor.

  My legs buckled as they reacted to the instant noise blaring out from the speakers. And even though I had anticipated the loud sounds when they came, I hadn’t expected levels that were so deafening that it affected the rhythm of my excited heartbeat. Missing beats added to the experience, which in turn, fueled my adrenaline as deep vibrations rumbled rhythmically along the stage boards toward me. I was living their music—it invaded every cell in my body causing tingling in my extremities and a buzzing sensation to collect deep within my chest. My heart continued missing beats as the thrill of their performance sucked me in until my head, heart, and soul became connected to the music they made. Being at the epicenter of their performance and not in the crowd instantly made me a fan of Hedon1sm.

  I turned to look at the sea of faces, young and old, their bodies bobbing in time to the music and I stood in awe watching the effect four young men had on thousands of people, and I got it. Suddenly, I understood what drove Kane, being a rock star didn’t have anything to do with how he lived—it was what he lived for. As soon as I heard the words he sang and the way he commanded the attention of all those music lovers, and how he did it, so naturally, it moved me. I’d been scared to step into his world becauseI had judged his life based on a few hearsay articles written by people that lived by a code that sensationalized the rock music culture. I’d been brainwashed with preconceived ideas of a lifestyle I knew nothing about. I felt ashamed that I had almost missed the opportunity to experience his world first-hand.

  My eyes scanned the stage and instantly locked onto his. He was swaying his hips, grinning at me between verses, blowing me kisses. My heart leapt that the boy I’d loved as a child could love me back, as a man. Right there and then I knew I’d never want him to do anything else. Kane was a warrior, thankfully not a samurai one, as he once joked, and he had the courage of his convictions to stand up and refuse to be anything but who he wanted to be.

  Four numbers later the last guitar note died and the disgruntled crowd chanted for more. They weren’t happy with the taste they’d been given and the air was thick with an expectation that craved to be filled. Kane and the band ran off the stage and he came barreling into me, grinning, his body vibrating, practically buzzing with exhilaration from being able to share his music life with others.

  “Well, babe, what do you think?” he asked as he dipped his knees to look directly into my eyes, and I swear he saw my soul. Those crystal blue eyes that had been full of comfort and love during my darkest hours, held everything that I held in my own heart about how I felt about him. A slow smile that melted my heart crept over his face.

  “It was alright I suppose—”

  Kane lifted me off the floor and wrapped my legs around his waist while he slapped my butt playfully.

  “I thought we agreed we’d never lie to each other?” he questioned. His intense stare and wicked grin hinted of the night of dirty sex ahead when he got me home.

  “What do you want me to say?” I giggled as he squeezed my butt and ran his hand up my back to the nape of my neck, squeezing it tight. I shivered.

  “Say yes, Jo.”
/>   “To what?”

  “Marry me, make me happy. You can do this.” His eyes ticked over my face and he held his breath expectantly.

  I shook my head trying to find the right words but nothing would come, I wanted to say so much more than yes, but when I saw the frown and how his eyes had begun to narrow, I realized he probably thought it was a rejection.

  “You’re right, Kane. I can do this…I want to do this. I can’t wait to do this with you. When I saw you out there today, I got it. You’ve always said you got me, but it’s taken me a long time to understand what that meant, but today I did. So, yes, Kane, it would be an honor to marry you.”

  Exhaling shakily in relief, his breath became my air once again as he dipped his forehead to rest on mine and his eyes became the window to his soul.

  “You won’t regret it, babe. Trust me; whatever life throws at us, we know we’ll beat it. We already have—life is short, sweet and hellishly difficult at times, but we’ve already been there and survived this far. That gives us a head start on everyone else, who would dare mess with what we have. The US Army, life and death situations, and crazy knifemen couldn’t keep us apart, Jo. I don’t rate the chances of anyone else, do you? I had planned to ask you this question tonight, straight after the performance like I have, and if you’d said no to me, I was prepared to go to that press conference and announce my retirement because you and our baby are more important than anything else to me.” My heart tightened that he had been prepared to give it all up.

  “In the beginning when you came back, I had only seen one interview with you in all your flirty, charismatic rock starness on TV, and I won’t lie, all I saw was a player. A beautiful unattainable man that I’d loved when he was a boy, but a player nevertheless. My impression of musicians was that they were all about women, booze, drugs and…hedonism. It’s not. Those habits are personal lifestyle choices of individuals, not some stereotypical image of what you are supposed to fit into. What you did out there wasn’t about any of those things. It’s about who you are and how you express yourself to others, and you are so fucking kick-ass awesome in that expression. And what I felt was beyond…” I sighed deeply thinking of my next words. “You leave me so breathless. I’m pinching myself right now. So yes, Kane, I do.”