When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  Then again, how could she not?

  Chapter 34 – Rolf

  November 2015

  Frida’s moody kid had just arrived home and Rolf wanted to smash his head in. The way he spoke to Frida was completely unacceptable. Except he didn’t want to get involved. As soon as Dan slammed his door shut, Rolf got out of Frida’s bed to dress.

  “See you soon, lover boy,” Frida said.

  Her limbs were spread out on the flimsy duvet cover, her long, blonde hair floating around her head. She resembled an angel but she sure as hell wasn’t one. He knew all about her financial difficulties as well as the liquor induced ones. It didn’t worry him. She had never asked him for a single krona – he actually thought she genuinely wanted him to love her – and the booze… well, it made her one hell of a spirited lay, so no complaints there.

  “Not sure when,” he said because he worried that perhaps it was becoming a bit too regular.

  The feeling of being with a woman who was in love with him, was attractive and gave him comfort, but he wasn’t going to throw his marriage away. Iris was his. At home, he had a rare painting with actual human blood in it, his and Iris’s. The red blotches he had managed to squeeze out of their fingers on their wedding day had quickly dried to a dark brown on the canvas, but it served as a reminder of their eternal union.

  Rolf left Frida’s converted summerhouse and drove through Mörna. It was completely deserted, as most small towns after ten o’clock tended to be. That’s why he was surprised to see a woman jogging along the pavement. It was always worth slowing down, especially when a woman was alone.

  He rolled down his window and asked for a petrol station even though his tank was almost full. When she leaned down and peered at him, he couldn’t come up with another single line. It was her. The woman who had screwed his wife on the Turkish rug in his living room. She gave him some directions to which he didn’t listen and then she kept running. He couldn’t just let her go and so he followed her. Did she live around here, a town that was only twenty minutes from his and Iris’s home? He had to know if this woman, who made his wife irresponsible, lived so treacherously close to them. And perhaps not too tactfully, he asked her this directly.

  “Do you live around here?”

  She ignored him and he had no choice but to drive off and leave her and his resentment behind. He had to go home and reclaim his wife.

  Chapter 35 – Anna

  December 2015

  The temperature had dropped below zero and the road was perilously icy, but Anna had to see Iris. She took her time driving to the library, and by the time she arrived, it was almost closing time. She hurried inside and walked towards the counter, where Iris normally was; her heart racing, nerves and excitement making it difficult to concentrate.

  Just then, Iris appeared from the back although she didn’t seem to show any signs of recognition and that made Anna even more nervous. When Iris reached her, Anna had no idea what to say but Iris beat her to it.

  “It’s not Wednesday,” she said, eyeing Anna over the reading glasses. “Did you finish the book already?”

  The book? She couldn’t remember what it was called. Had Iris even given her a new one?

  “Jodi Picoult?” Iris clarified. “Sing me home?”

  Now she remembered. She had agreed to read a book in English, since the book was yet to be translated into Swedish.

  “I haven’t started it,” she said truthfully.

  Of course, she should have. She was at a library, meeting her librarian. Whether it was book club or not, she should be there because of books.

  Disappointed, she made to leave. In the time they had been apart, she had obviously attached more importance to each and every little word that had been said in Iris’s house, every touch, every moan. She had got it all wrong.

  As she opened the door, the sky heavy with snow, she heard Iris’s voice behind her.

  “Wait.”

  Anna took a deep breath and turned back to face Iris, bracing herself for her words: ‘I think you misunderstood’, ‘it was a mistake’ or ‘it can’t happen again’.

  “Why don’t you make some coffee while I lock up?”

  It was impossible to interpret Iris’s gaze but a sense of relief still established itself in Anna’s heart, making it lighter.

  “Are you sure?” she asked.

  “Yes. I’ll just be a minute.”

  Anna walked through the familiar library, hoping everyone had already left so that they could be alone. No matter what was to come.

  *

  When Iris finally entered the kitchen, Anna was leaning on the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew. They faced each other and although Anna had spent the last ten minutes telling herself that she had no expectations, the moment she saw Iris, her sleek black jersey dress and silver bangles, she realised that she did.

  Iris opened her mouth. “I…” she started and in sheer panic, Anna took a step forward, reached her arms out and pulled Iris towards her, resting her chin on her shoulder blade. She closed her eyes and felt the softness of Iris’s velvety dark hair, the droopy earrings shaped like black rain drops cold against her face, arms plaited into a tight embrace.

  Then Iris pulled away. She was still holding onto Anna’s arms as she raised her head. She had removed the glasses, her green eyes deep and naked. Butterfly wings touched the delicate lining of Anna’s stomach. Iris parted her lips slightly, as if to say something, but instead she leaned forward and kissed Anna.

  Iris’s tongue was warm and eager and Anna’s insecurities vanished, confusion laid to rest. Iris clearly wanted her. With her hands firmly on Iris’s waist, she pulled her close. Anna could feel Iris’s fingers stroking her back, nestling their way in-between the lining of her skirt and her jumper, touching the bare skin. More. She wanted more. She wanted to feel Iris’s hands all over. Should she remove her clothes? Or undress Iris? Her inexperienced hands pulled at Iris’s dress when she took Anna’s hands in hers and whispered: “Slowly”.

  “Sorry, I just…”

  Iris’s lips silenced her, the soothing sensation making her close her eyes and hand herself over. She leaned backwards and hit something hard. Turning her head around, she realised it was the photocopier.

  “It’s okay,” Iris said. “It won’t break.”

  From the moment they had met, Iris had been in charge and it was comforting in a way. Anna would go with the flow and not force it. At least there was no rushed kneading of the breasts and wham-bam-thank-you-mam, as was the case with Erik these days. Iris seemed to treasure every part of Anna’s body, her hands gliding over her waist, her bottom, her hips. Lips nuzzled Anna’s neck, kissing it tenderly. Through her clothes, Anna felt the outline of Iris’s small round breasts, the hard nipples pressed against her body.

  “Spread your legs,” Iris commanded.

  Without hesitation, Anna moved her feet, sensing the vacuum between her thighs as they parted, filled with feverish anticipation. Iris intimately touched her belly button, caressing the soft skin on Anna’s stomach, taking her time before gently nudging the skirt down. Her hand slipped inside the lining of Anna’s carefully chosen black lace knickers, softly stroking the pubic hair before moving further down.

  Their eyes exchanged a silent agreement, saying this was okay. This was good. This was better than good. Anna nodded her approval and Iris was on her knees, caressing the inside of Anna’s thighs, her lips soft between her legs. Still leaning against the photocopier, Anna rested her hands on Iris’s head, wrapping the short hairs around her index fingers, enjoying the sensation of Iris making her way inside of her. Anna groaned as Iris’s tongue and fingers expertly tipped her over the edge.

  Afterwards, even though Iris had done all the work, Anna felt exhausted as she slid onto the floor. She held Iris’s face in her hands and kissed her hard.

  “Thank you,” she said. She really meant it.

  “You have amazing breasts,” Iris said and burrowed her nose in Anna’s cle
avage.

  Anna felt euphoric but also unexpectedly shy: she wanted to make Iris feel equally ecstatic but didn’t know how to start. As if sensing this, Iris took Anna’s hands in hers, showing her the way, under the hem of her dress. Anna’s fingers fumbled but she learnt to follow Iris’s moans and used them as a guide. Her confidence growing, Anna leaned down and pressed her lips against Iris’s sex. A taste of earth on her tongue, in her mouth. Iris came fast, a rattling in her throat confirming her climax, bringing on an even deeper satisfaction than Anna’s own orgasm had.

  Later, when they were lying on the floor together, Anna leaning her head on Iris’s outstretched arm, Anna’s mobile started to ring. Dull signals vibrated in her bag, reminding her that there was a world out there. She shuffled across the floor and fished out her phone.

  Erik’s name appeared on the screen. “When will you be home?” His voice sounded tired.

  “Not sure… eh, in an hour?”

  “Sebastian won’t go to sleep. He wants you.”

  She sat up, her mummy autopilot on. “Is he okay?”

  “I think he might have a fever.”

  “Might have? Did you check?”

  Iris moved behind her and Anna stopped herself. She had no right to be upset with Erik even though he clearly should have checked Sebastian’s temperature.

  “I’m on my way,” she said instead.

  After she put her phone back, she turned to Iris.

  “You have to go,” Iris said simply.

  Anna nodded. “I’m sorry.” She hurriedly got dressed.

  “Before you go…” Iris said, the words trailing off as her mouth met Anna’s, the kiss deep. Anna’s steps were unsteady as she backed away, reeling.

  “I’ll be back next week,” she promised.

  Chapter 36 – Iris

  December 2015

  Iris wanted Anna. Not just for a few hours or a day. She wanted her for an entire week, a month or more. To discover each other and to talk and make love. Anna was so pure, so inexperienced and sweet, yet also intelligent and passionate. There was so much she wanted to teach her, the way she had once been taught. A holiday together would be incredible.

  Iris had only ever taken a woman on holiday once before. Rolf had thought she was scouring the stands of a foreign book fair when in actual fact she had been walking down the streets of Berlin, hand in hand with a woman. They had enjoyed art museums, bratwursts, beer, an operetta and sex shops in-between long sessions in their hotel room. It had been love.

  Back home, however, the woman had chosen her husband and had ended the relationship. From then on, Iris had never disclosed any of her affairs to Rolf. It was as if she had crossed a forbidden bridge that had then collapsed behind her. There was no way of going back.

  Iris realised that Anna had a life. A life that she would most likely go back to after she had experimented with Iris. A holiday would perhaps be too much to ask for? Also, Anna had children.

  Iris had never planned to have any. She had been on the pill when she accidentally fell pregnant. Rolf had wanted a child, a protégée of sorts. Now, she couldn’t imagine her life without Karin but at the time it had brought up too many bad memories: the pregnancy at sixteen and the miscarriage, which had turned out to be a blessing in disguise since her mother had refused the abortion, but traumatising nonetheless. Just thinking about it, put her on edge. Her mother would have preferred to throw her out on the street than be humiliated. The fact that Iris later wanted a university degree hadn’t gone down well either, but thankfully university was free and didn’t require her parents’ consent. She had been a very different type of mother to Karin. She encouraged her to dream big.

  Rolf’s advice would have been to end it with Anna immediately. If you start to invest your heart, pull out. But she couldn’t end it. Anna was unique. Rolf would have laughed at that. What a cliché! She had to smile. It was perhaps ridiculous but, with or without children, she was determined to have Anna. And, she thought, if that meant losing Rolf, then it had been a long time coming and would be worth the sacrifice.

  Anna had a different life, with children and a husband and an important job. She wasn’t like Lena, rich and bored, seeking excitement wherever she could find it. Anna was a good person and sooner or later she would have to make a choice. A good girl’s choice. How could Iris convince Anna that this was real, that she was worth it?

  Chapter 37 – Daniel

  December 2015

  Dan recognised the dude’s car as soon as he arrived back home. An old and bashed-up Nissan was parked dangerously close to the row of leaning trees by their driveway. What if one of them fell on his car? That would be funny. With that awful car, the dude obviously wouldn’t be bringing them money anyway. It didn’t matter. He kept Frida busy and that wasn’t so bad. Dan couldn’t stand it when Frida turned needy. Sit on my lap, Danny boy. Bring me a beer, will you? Just for a second. Let me hug you.

  He went straight to his room. Frida’s car was still in the shop since she couldn’t afford the repairs and the moped next door hadn’t been parked in its normal spot for three days. He had taken a chance and had waited for Anna outside the school building on his bike but both afternoons she had walked to her car with Kent. The guy was creepy. Dan had tried to cycle after her but she hadn’t headed straight home. Maybe she had gone food shopping or to visit friends? It was possible. He didn’t know much about her life. At least not yet. They needed something to talk about over Sunday dinners.

  It was almost five o’clock and Anna would be leaving school soon. Perhaps he could borrow the dude’s car? With an ear to the wall, Dan tried to listen to any sounds. Were they fucking? He could hear voices. Perhaps it was some sort of foreplay? He snuck out to the living room to see if the keys were there. He looked through the pockets of a worn leather jacket but apart from chewing gum wrappers they were empty.

  He went outside. You never knew, maybe the dumb fuck had left the keys in the ignition? It was a pretty safe area where people were known to leave their houses unlocked. Nope, not there either.

  Back inside, he grabbed a snack. Cheese crackers without cheese. That fucking summed up his life. He sat down and poured himself a Coke Zero (Frida lived on the stuff, usually mixed with vodka of course).

  That’s when he saw the dude’s jeans, thrown over the side of the couch. They had obviously started out here. Not as eager as last time then, when they hadn’t even made it to the bedroom.

  The car key was in the pocket.

  *

  Dan swerved into the school parking lot. Anna’s Volvo was there. Score! He parked on the other side, behind a bus. Out of sight. Then he waited. Every now and then he would check her status on WhatsApp. Had she been online recently? She rarely was but he had nothing better to do. He didn’t want to contact her via WhatsApp anyway. He preferred to send emails from a nondescript email address. Although she had only responded to a couple of his initial emails, then she had stopped. That needed to change. He needed to make her listen.

  Black Adam wanted to rule the world and, like his superhero, Dan had been patient. He might not have spent 5,000 years travelling to earth, but he had waited three whole days and this was his chance. Together with his superpower: a trashy old car. He laughed because it was kind of crazy. But according to some ancient writer, all was fair in love and war. Anna would be pleased if she knew that he listened during her classes.

  After about half an hour, she emerged from the school building (alone!) and started walking towards her car. He waited a few seconds before he followed her.

  Chapter 38 – Anna

  December 2015

  Daniel had stopped leaving Anna notes, which was just as well, since she had started to discard his handwritten scribbles. She did not want to be caught in a compromising position. Except now he had turned to email, and the ease of sending an email, compared to delivering a note into the teacher’s lounge, meant the volume of messages had risen considerably. His email address was blackadam4321@hot
mail.com and curiosity won her over. She emailed him back asking about the name. Perhaps she would better understand him if she asked questions he could actually answer.

  Hi Anna, he was someone bad who turned out to be good.

  Every email started that same way. Hi Anna. He not only loved saying her name, he loved writing it.

  Hi Anna, I need someone who listens to me.

  She sighed. It wasn’t an unrealistic request. Once again, she tried to direct him to a counsellor but that only angered him.

  Hi Anna, I don’t need a fucking professional. I need you. I want to live with you. I need a family.

  She deleted the message immediately, even going as far as emptying it from the trash folder. It was better to pretend he hadn’t written that, but still, he kept writing.

  Hi Anna, I’m sick of this. How about the basement?

  The basement? Even if he knew her address, he would have had to see her house to know she had a basement. It was unsettling and she debated whether she should go as far as to report this. But once again she reasoned that he needed her help, not authorities treating him like a criminal.

  She shut down the emails and switched to Google. After much hesitation, she keyed in l followed by e s b i a n. It had happened twice, sex with Iris, and she needed to understand.

  On the screen, a number of words flashed at her like a red-light district: lesbians, fuck, porn, sex novels. She had the urge to erase them, wanting to resist their harshness. They didn’t represent her experience. She added the keyword l o v e. It looked oddly surreal on the screen but she clicked ‘Search’.