When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  Sexual how-to books and pages and pages about lesbian women’s sexual habits stared at her, as if to say: is this what you need? It wasn’t.

  She had never been with a woman before, so why did she feel this way? Would she be forced to make a choice? Leave Erik and be with Iris? How would that affect the boys? Would they hate her? Would Iris even want to be with her so permanently? She too was married.

  She longed for Kent’s straightforward advice but there was no way she could confide in him.

  She examined the options on the screen again, then changed the search. Sex wasn’t the goal, only a consequence. In Google, she added the words y o u n g e r and o l d e r. News about discrimination against lesbians and reading tips about forbidden and unrequited love in black and white. A sign?

  She really wanted to talk to someone and speaking to Iris about what had just happened felt like ruining the magic. To Iris everything seemed so simple and obvious.

  What would her friends from university say if she told them? I’ve slept with a woman. Most likely, every single one of them would feel the need to share such yummy gossip. This wasn’t just any news, it was dynamite. She couldn’t take that risk. Anyway, how could she expect someone else to understand when she didn’t even understand it herself?

  Her mobile notified her of a message and she picked it up, both dreading and hoping that it was a message from Iris.

  It was from Kent.

  Didn’t see you today. Daniel’s last school called. Please call Maria Bergman.

  The woman’s contact details popped up on her screen.

  Daniel. A headache came on. Reality had a way of penetrating her fantasy world. Except Iris wasn’t a fantasy. She was real.

  At least the school had finally called.

  *

  Maria Bergman sounded strict. That was a good sign. It would mean no nonsense and Anna liked that.

  “I was Daniel’s humanities teacher,” Maria Bergman explained. “The principal told me you had enquired about him.”

  “That’s right. I just…” Where to start? “I’m worried about him.”

  “Really, why? Has something happened?” Maria Bergman asked but Anna didn’t pick up on any real concern in her tone.

  “Well, a few things,” she said. “He likes fighting a bit much, as I’m sure you know.”

  She tried to laugh but it sounded stiff.

  “Fighting? The Daniel I taught was always sitting quietly at the back of the classroom. Clever boy though, always did well in exams.”

  Now it was Anna’s turn to be puzzled.

  “Daniel Persson? Tall, blond, could do with a haircut and seems to have a dislike for tying his shoe laces.”

  “Yes, sounds about right. And you said he’s getting into fights? Are the other students picking on him?”

  “Not exactly. It’s more… the other way around.”

  Maria Bergman was quiet, as if she pondered this. “That sounds odd. I mean, he’s had it tough. His brother was known for getting into trouble with the law and his mother… well, she drank apparently.”

  “Are you sure about that?” Anna asked. “About his mother? I’m only asking because I’ve been to his house and didn’t see any signs of that.”

  “Well, that was the rumour.”

  Rumour? Anna felt she needed to push this teacher a bit more. “Did you find out for sure?”

  “No, I didn’t…” She sighed. “Look, I have many students.”

  Didn’t they all? Anna was speechless.

  “I wish you the best of luck,” Maria Bergman said, sounding as if she had had enough. “I wouldn’t want him getting into trouble.”

  “Why not?” Anna quickly added: “I mean, did you become attached to him?”

  “He made no trouble for me. Always love students like that, don’t you?”

  I love all my students, Anna wanted to say, but for an easy way out, she said: “Sure.”

  She wanted to get off this call. This woman clearly didn’t know the Daniel she knew. Whether that was good or not, she wasn’t sure. Something had made him change though and she couldn’t quite figure out what?

  *

  Anna wanted to see Iris. It was more than an escape, she was that friend she had missed, someone to talk to. So far, Anna hadn’t spoken about work but perhaps it was time to open up. Knowing the library closed early on Tuesdays, Anna hurried out of the school building.

  It was just past five o’clock and the roads were busy with people heading home from work. That was probably why she didn’t notice the car behind her, at least not until she was about to turn into Hågarp. She had to look twice to realise it was the same sedan that had stopped her when she was jogging. Was it a coincidence?

  She looked in the rear-view mirror to catch sight of the driver. Did the guy have a moustache? It was too dark and therefore impossible to make him out but it was such a wreck of a car (with the bumper knocked, paint coming off) that surely there couldn’t be two of the same?

  She turned into Hågarp as planned but instead of going straight to the library, she turned right. The car behind her also turned right. She turned left and drove down a residential street. Again, the car behind her went down the same road. Why was he following her? She stopped her car and got out, feeling safe amongst all the houses, ready to confront him.

  He drove past her, an arm in front of his face, clearly wanting to shield himself from her. It was odd. Who was he? She got back in her car and drove back to the road she had come from but he was soon on her tail again. That’s it, she thought, I have to lose him. She drove up and down, turning left and right, then she exited Hågarp and drove to the next town, where she did the same manoeuvre: up and down the streets, oblivious parents and children in ski suits building poor snowmen from the wet snow about to melt away. Finally, she noticed he was gone. She was on her own and she could drive back to the library. Except by the time she arrived, it was too late. The door was locked and Iris most likely already at home. With her husband.

  Chapter 39 – Rolf

  January 2016

  Christmas was over.

  “Thank fucking goodness for that!”

  Rolf had always hated traditions. Iris went through the motions every year for Karin’s sake but even Karin had felt that the last Christmas had been lame. She had kept asking her mother if she was okay and Rolf had whispered in Iris’s ear: “Missing your fuck buddy?”

  She hadn’t taken the bait. That was the most unnerving thing about his wife. She could ride any argument out through silence, her eyes calm but serious, her back straight, her lips always perfectly painted.

  “Someone seems to have forgotten about our rules,” he said through clenched teeth. “No one comes between us.”

  She stared at him, looking fascinated by his outburst.

  “How many women have you fucked through the years?” she asked.

  She rarely used the f-word but he didn’t let that throw him off.

  “A gentleman doesn’t count,” he said.

  “Well, I have never butted into your affairs,” she said. “So stay out of mine.”

  Then she walked off. He resented arguing with her. The whole situation was frustrating. There had been limited action in the bedroom. Needless to say, it hadn’t been enough. He had seen Frida a couple of times. She was Iris’s polar opposite, screaming and threatening him but also fucking him with a heated passion. He knew it would end, but he needed her. At least for the time being. There was no pretence with her. She turned herself inside out, she was raw and vulnerable and real.

  “I also hate Christmas,” Frida said.

  They were still lying in bed.

  “That’s because you make no fucking effort,” the kid shouted.

  “Stop eavesdropping!”

  “Where’s his father?” Rolf asked. Couldn’t he buzz off to his dad for a couple of weeks?

  The sun was up, causing water to drip from the icicles by the window. Rolf should be heading home.

  “I d
on’t know,” she said. “He ran off and I’ve never heard from him since.”

  To be fair, the kid had been away a lot. Rolf wasn’t sure where he spent his time, with friends most likely, but it was a bloody godsend when he wasn’t there. He was negative energy.

  “He’s writing a book,” Frida whispered in his ear.

  “Oh, really. What’s it about?”

  “Some girl. I think he’s in love. I don’t know.”

  This was good news. That was obviously who he was spending his time with.

  “Have you met her?” he asked.

  That seemed to crack her up: “Do you honestly think he would bring her home to meet me?”

  “But aren’t you curious about who she is, what she looks like?” If she’s got firm breasts, a thin waist, long hair?

  “I’ve looked for photos but I couldn’t find any. He’s only got photos of his teacher, printouts from the Internet, loads of them. I think he’s kind of obsessed with her.”

  Ha. The older woman crush. “Maybe that’s who he’s in love with?”

  She shook her head. “I’ve met her and I don’t think so. She’s not exactly…. I mean, she’s kind of average looking, plus she’s like my age.”

  She pulled out a folded A4 from her side table, opened it and smoothed out the creases.

  “Judge for yourself.”

  He sat up. “That’s his teacher?”

  She nodded. “Why? Is she an axe murderer or something?” Her laugh was raspy.

  He shook his head. “Hopefully not.” But it’s her, he thought. Again. He got up. “I have to go.”

  Her lips pouted: “Already?”

  “Gotta love you and leave you,” he joked.

  “You love me?”

  Oh, shit. He looked at her, weighed his words. He needed her now, more than ever. In fact, he needed the kid.

  “Sure,” he said.

  Chapter 40 – Daniel

  January 2016

  Thankfully, Frida’s latest dude hadn’t realised that Dan had used his car. If he had, he hadn’t said anything. The problem was, Anna had realised she was being followed so after that fiasco he needed to find another way.

  A couple of weeks later, the moped next door had been replaced by a new one, quite possibly a Christmas present, judging by how spoilt those children were. It was perfect and if there was such a thing as a God, he was smiling at Dan right now, as he got down on his knees to hotwire it.

  He wasn’t likely to get caught by the police in a small town like this; he had never seen a single patrol car circulate Mörna. He felt confident. This time he was going to corner Anna and talk some sense into her. She needed to understand that she couldn’t turn her back on him, a young man in need, that he needed the stability of her home, her love and care, even her firm hand at times. She would see this, one way or another.

  Dan stationed himself behind the school gym, at the outskirts of the school area next to the parking lot, and waited for Anna to emerge. He prayed that she would have ditched the creep and that she would be alone. She wasn’t and he cursed silently. Kent and Anna strolled down past the basketball court, appearing to have a serious conversation. What were they talking about? Did they discuss Dan? His letters and emails? He bloody hoped not. He needed to trust Anna.

  As luck would have it, Kent left before her. Anna stayed in her car, her head bowed down (over a phone maybe?) as Dan waited. If she were headed home, he would catch her in the garage and if she was going elsewhere, he would talk to her there, wherever it was.

  When Anna drove out of the parking lot, he followed her at a distance. She turned right and then right again, heading out of town, the same direction as the other day. Although the moped had been suped, it still couldn’t quite keep up. At least Dan had an idea of where she was heading this time. He was going to drive up and down every street in the two towns she had been to the last time if he had to. He was as determined as determined could be.

  Was she going to someone’s house or a shop? He felt like a secret agent, sweeping the assigned territory for Anna’s car. Every now and then he stopped and looked for her. Many times, he felt furious; stuck in new housing areas with slow-growing hedges and white flagpoles. How could she just go off like that? Vanish into nothing? Yet he couldn’t give up. This was quite possibly the only time he would be able to use the moped. If they realised the petrol tank was low, they would most likely lock it up.

  So he kept going. He needed to live with her, to get away from Frida without ending up in some fucking foster care or youth facility.

  “It’s just one more year,” Martin had said. “Then we’ll get a place together.”

  Martin had said that right before he ended up in prison. He would be out soon, but while Martin had been away, Dan had worked a few things out: his brother was caring but he wasn’t the brightest, he would keep breaking and entering rather than getting a nine-to-five job. He surrounded himself with losers. “Only because no one else will have me,” he had said. It was a pretty lame excuse. Dan wanted ‘normal’. Before it was too late, he wanted what he deserved: rights. Anna was his and he was going to prove to her how true that was.

  He decided to plead with her, cry if he had to.

  Renewed with energy, he kept going. Luckily, there was still plenty of petrol in the tank. Another five minutes went past, ten, twenty. He couldn’t stop. His life depended on this one night.

  About thirty minutes later he found her car.

  “Yes!” he shouted, his arms in the air. “Victory!”

  The car was parked outside a red brick building. A library, apparently. He walked up the steps and pulled at the door but it was locked. He looked around. Where else could she have gone?

  There was an old post office next door that still had the post office sign hanging outside but was clearly converted into a home. White crocheted curtains decorated the windows. He liked that. It was homely.

  He walked around the library building. A light was on in one of the windows at the back. Was she there? Maybe some sort of a meeting? A séance or a Bible study group or a book circle. The last one obviously made the most sense.

  He walked up to the door, a brown wooden one with a heavy handle. Should he try to open it? Or knock? He hesitated. What would she say if she was actually in there? She would think he was crazy. He pulled his hand back. He needed to see what was going on through the window first. How many were they? The parking lot only had two cars in it so he suspected there weren’t many of them but people could have walked or cycled there. There was a bike parked up front.

  He walked over to a lamppost and climbed onto the rock wall behind it. From there, he had a pretty good view. There was Anna and another woman. They were talking. Could he interrupt them? She would know he had followed her and that would look bad. There was no good explanation why he had accidentally ended up by the back door of a library in the next town, was there? Maybe he should wait until her meeting was over and corner her then?

  He was about to jump down from his viewing spot when something changed. The woman leaned forward and… kissed Anna? He strained his eyes to see better. Had he been mistaken? But no, Anna was kissing the woman back. Not just a friendly kiss. A full-on snog. Both jealousy and excitement hit him like a force. How could this be happening? He imagined Anna’s arms wrapped around him instead, her soft hair against his face.

  Then he emerged from the dream. This was a fucking pain in the arse. A mega-bump in his road to happiness. He started laughing. This was ridiculous. How could someone as innocent as Anna end up in the claws of some woman?

  Ah. That’s when he saw it: the opportunity. Now she would have no choice but to move him in. If he had to blackmail her, then so be it. He could totally do that.

  Chapter 41 – Erik

  April 2016

  Black Adam is now corresponding with Erik. He is extremely direct and he causes Erik some concern:

  Who the fuck is Xeroxwed? You know, you should get out every now and then, let s
omeone babysit the children. Take care of yourself.

  It is signed someone who cares. Erik isn’t sure if that is supposed to be sarcasm? Is he making fun of Erik’s first email, which was signed in that same way? And how does he know they have children? That’s a worry. He is debating whether this is worth pursuing but then he thinks about Tina.

  He met her at Rob’s and she wasn’t exactly what he had expected. Just like Rob had said, she was a whole lot of big hair. When she leaned in to hug him, she smelt of spearmint chewing gum and strong perfume. She wore gold bracelets and many rings and had an excess of make-up. He couldn’t imagine her patrolling the streets, dealing with criminals or even working on a high-level investigation. Then again, one shouldn’t judge.

  “So, what’s your role at the police station?” he asked, his thoughts becoming unprocessed words.

  She looked surprised. “I’m a police woman,” she said, while tickling and kissing Rob, which was distracting.

  “Did you, eh, tell the team about… you know, that Anna might have cheated?”

  This was hard.

  “Yes, of course,” she said.

  Oh, great. He felt lighter. “Is it being taken seriously?”

  “Totally.”

  Her hands were under Rob’s shirt, her long nails scratching his back. He purred like a kitten. Erik had never seen him this ridiculous before.

  “Right,” he said. “So are they looking into it?”

  “I can’t really tell you that.”

  He needed more information. Flattery? That usually worked.

  “You must be really good at your job.” Too much? “I mean, your job must be fascinating.”

  “Oh, it is!”

  That got her going. She told them about a murder investigation in the city, the ‘slippery eel’ suspect, an mc gang bust where stacks of money and guns were found, and the large supermarket fire that had featured in the papers recently.

  “It could be arson,” she said.

  “Should you really be telling us this?” Erik asked. “Isn’t that, like, classified information?”