When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  “I completely trust you,” she said, an offended look on her face. “You won’t tell anyone, will you? I know Robbie won’t.”

  A smile and a shower of kisses on Rob’s blushing cheeks.

  “Of course not,” Erik said. But what are you telling people about Anna’s case?

  He felt nervous and no reassurance from Rob could make him feel at peace.

  “She won’t talk about your case,” Rob said later on the phone.

  “You don’t know that. You heard her, she was telling us way too much. Inside stuff.”

  “Come on, don’t be like that. She’s helped you, hasn’t she?”

  “I know.”

  Yet he can’t stop feeling anxious, which is why he needs to keep the correspondence with Black Adam up. He needs alternatives. He writes:

  Thanks for the concern. I will take that into consideration. Were you Anna’s student?

  Right down to business. Black Adam’s response is immediate:

  Anna had many students. Your question should be: was I special? The answer to that would be YES. She loved me.

  This annoys the hell out of Erik and he wants to send this to the police faster than fast. Instead he calms down and composes another email. He needs Black Adam to keep talking.

  I’m sure she did love you. The question is, in what way? She was, and still is, married.

  So far, it’s been as if Black Adam is sitting by the computer, waiting for Erik’s emails. But this last email is like hitting a wall. There are no more responses.

  *

  That evening Erik sits with the boys at the dinner table, imagining that this is going to be their life going forward. Can he do this on his own?

  “Everything okay today?” he asks the boys as they tuck into the readymade ravioli. It’s been luxuriously poured from a can and heated in the microwave.

  “How’s Mummy?” Sebastian asks, picking at his food with a fork.

  “She’s getting better, I think.”

  Mum would give him a blasting for that one. We don’t know, Erik, she would tell him.

  “Really?” Lukas looks up. “When is she coming home?”

  “Oh, I don’t know yet. She has to rest.”

  Even though he wants to move, maybe they’re not ready just yet. Mum has promised to help him with the mortgage if needed, so he can’t use that as an excuse. Something needs to happen though.

  “How would you feel about going away for a few days?”

  Sebastian scrunches his face up. “And leave Mummy?” He shakes his head.

  Shit. “You miss her.” He says it more as a statement than a question but they both nod.

  His pocket vibrates and he takes his phone out. Unknown number.

  “Erik?” A vaguely familiar voice.

  “Yes?”

  “Linda Johansson here. We need you to come down to the police station.”

  Her words are abrupt which alarms him.

  “Why? What’s happened? Did you find the attacker?”

  Or did they finally find out whom Anna was sleeping with?

  “We have a few questions.”

  His chest starts to burn. She offers no further information and he’s afraid to ask. She hangs up and he has to go into the other room, dread filling him.

  Shaking, he keys in Tina’s number. Rob was right. She’s been helpful, he shouldn’t be ungrateful.

  “I’m sorry to call you but I’m scared, Tina. Why do they need to see me? I haven’t done anything.”

  Tina takes a second to catch up. “Slow down,” she says. “I’m sure no one is accusing you of anything.”

  “But you’ve heard something?”

  “Shit, Erik, don’t do this to me. I can’t…” she pauses. “They know about the baby.”

  “What baby?” Then he understands. “Anna was pregnant?” But they hadn’t… not in months. The punch in his gut. He can’t breathe.

  “Anna isn’t pregnant,” Tina whispers down the line. “But Pernilla Arvidsson is. With your baby.”

  Part Three

  Chapter 42 – Rolf

  January 2016

  The kid’s favourite food was kebab pizza, so Rolf had ordered two large ones. The kid could eat and Rolf needed him to open up. What were his vulnerabilities?

  Rolf and Frida sat on the couch like a united team while the kid was draped over an armchair, the pizza boxes balancing on a pile of crap on the coffee table.

  “What’s your job?” the kid asked, drenching his first slice in garlic sauce.

  Look who’s talking already?

  “I’m an existentialist,” Rolf said. He took a small slice of pizza even though he didn’t normally eat such vulgar food but he wanted them to feel like he was one of them. “I believe that we are all individuals,” he explained. “And that each person is responsible for giving meaning to his or her own life.”

  “Are you a fucking philosopher?”

  “Language…” Frida said half-heartedly, kebab meat spilling out of her mouth.

  “So how do you make money?” the kid asked.

  “Dan!” Frida looked horrified.

  “It’s fine, babe.” Rolf turned to the kid. “I make money by interpreting life and making it accessible to others, or sometimes, I guess I end up doing the opposite. I love to shock people. That’s the truth.”

  “And this turns into cash?” The kid didn’t look convinced. “Your car looks kind of cheap.”

  Rolf started laughing. “I’m not into material things,” he said. “What about you, kid. What’s your purpose? What do you want out of life?”

  The kid shrugged. “What’s your fucking purpose? To be a creative loser?”

  “Dan!” Frida hissed. “That’s enough!”

  “Leave him,” Rolf said. “This is a good conversation.”

  The kid actually smiled, which was a huge step.

  “You know, I had a great teacher at school,” Rolf said, now that they were getting somewhere. “She helped me find my purpose. That one person changed my life. For once, someone believed in me.”

  He studied the kid’s frozen smile, trying to interpret what was going through his young cranium. The kid didn’t give anything away; he simply wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and drank his Coke.

  “School is good that way,” Rolf continued. “The special teachers stay with you for the rest of your life.”

  “Please don’t.” Frida seemed to cotton on. “Rolf, don’t.” She pulled at his shirt but he yanked his arm back. Why did she have to spoil it?

  “Just having a conversation about life, babe.”

  The teacher’s name was Anna. Frida had been helpful but her knowledge didn’t stretch very far. He needed more.

  “Have any teachers like that?” Rolf asked.

  The kid looked down, shook his head and put the rest of his slice away. He stood up. “Thanks for the pizza.” And then he was out the door.

  “Leave him alone,” Frida begged. “He hasn’t done anything.”

  Rolf smiled and grabbed hold of her arm, twisting it upwards. “If I leave him alone, I will also leave you alone.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, cowering under his touch. “I’m really sorry. I’ll find out more, I promise.”

  Chapter 43 – Anna

  January 2016

  Anna finished reading Sing me home, a book about two women falling in love and wanting a baby. She wondered if Iris was trying to send her a message. Perhaps not the baby part, even though she clearly loved her daughter, but the two women, one a lesbian and the other one previously married to a man, had fallen in love.

  Was it love?

  She had only just come to terms with living in the moment and not put too much pressure on herself.

  “So what did Daniel’s old teacher have to say?”

  Anna looked up from her desk as Kent handed her a cup of coffee. The book slipped into her bag.

  For once, Anna didn’t want to talk about work. She wanted to discuss her complex feelings,
the tigress trapped inside her body. She wanted to discuss the meaning of love, lust and the two combined. Was there such a thing?

  Kent looked at her expectantly.

  “Actually, I feel more relaxed now,” Anna said, packing up the remainder of her belongings: pens and papers, her laptop and phone. “He was apparently quiet and fairly studious at his last school.”

  “Oh.” Kent sat down, making himself comfortable. “That’s odd. Isn’t it?”

  She glanced at her watch. Book club started at seven but she wanted to have dinner with the children at home first. At least, she assumed there would be book club. There had been no messages from Iris.

  “Ehm,” she said. She looked at Kent, focused on his blue eyes. He was always there for her; she needed to be more generous with her time. “It’s probably just a case of him struggling to fit in. I mean, this place is so homogenous.”

  Kent nodded.

  “Maybe.”

  “I’m sure he will calm down,” she rattled on. “At least now I know that he wasn’t always like this.”

  Kent understandably looked doubtful. She just didn’t have time to discuss it right now.

  *

  At home, Anna was watching Erik over the dinner table. He was engrossed in his tablet, a headphone hanging loose around his neck, the other one in his ear. Instinctively, she wanted to tell him he was setting a bad example for the children but who was she to talk? Thoughts of Iris’s hands. She closed her eyes as if to reboot and then she opened them again, thinking: Iris is a woman, a female friend whom I am simply very close with.

  Perhaps that’s all it was? There had been no time to talk the last time they had seen each other since Anna had rushed home to Sebastian. Only, he hadn’t been ill. As soon as she had arrived home that night, Erik had announced he was going to Rob’s.

  “You’re using your own son to make me come home?” she had asked.

  “I need to rehearse,” he had said. “Not that you would know that.”

  He had been upset because she had missed his last gig.

  “We didn’t have a babysitter that night,” she had defended herself yet again.

  “You could have sorted that out, if you really wanted to be there.”

  “Why couldn’t you arrange the babysitting for once?”

  And just like that, they had been back on the treadmill of arguments. Anna had felt she needed to hit the stop button but Erik had beaten her to it by slamming the door in her face. It didn’t matter. And yet it did. This wasn’t how life was supposed to be. You got married, had children, worked, spent time with friends and family. And you were happy. Weren’t you?

  “Found it,” Erik said and gave the boys an earphone each. “What do you think?”

  “They’re five,” she muttered. How refined did Erik think their music tastes were? She realised she was being grumpy. The look on Lukas and Sebastian’s faces, bums happily dancing in their seats to the beat. They were having fun. If they weren’t going to invite her to join, she would have to crash the party.

  “Let me hear that,” she said and stretched a hand out but neither one of them was willing to share their earphone.

  She sat back, accepting the defeat but feeling left out nonetheless. A dull sound on her phone signalled that she had an email and she picked up the phone to keep herself occupied. She opened her inbox, and found a new message, not from Daniel aka Black Adam, but from a cryptic address. Her stomach tightened. Was it yet another trick? Was it another one of his personas? Apprehensively, she opened it.

  I can’t wait to see you this week. To be near you, to taste you. I miss you.

  She stared at the screen, her mood sunnier. That could only be from one person. Reading the email address again, Xeroxwed, it made sense. Book club had initially been on a Wednesday and the photocopier she had leaned on that time in the library kitchen, Iris’s tongue between her legs, was most likely a Xerox. She would check next time.

  “Okay, Mummy, you can listen now.”

  She felt caught, and as she looked up and Sebastian gave her his headphone, she quickly switched back to being Mummy again. Her ear filled with Taylor Swift’s girly voice singing ‘Bad Blood’.

  “It’s pretty good,” she admitted, humming along to Now we’ve got bad blood, it used to be mad love. She looked at Erik to see if he remembered the mad love they had once shared but he seemed distant. She danced with the boys as they did their moves and she wondered how long this innocence would last. In a few years they would surely find their parents embarrassing and boring. Time would fly by and the boys would leave. What would remain? Her and Erik, sleeping as far away from each other as possible?

  When the song ended, the boys left the table. “Can we go and play?”

  “Sure,” Erik said and pretended to chase them out of the kitchen.

  She was about to remind them to take their plates away but she stopped herself. They needed to view her as the fun mum from time to time. She was going to say to Erik: let’s put some music on the speakers so that we can both listen, but with the boys out of the room, Erik was back on his tablet, playing Candy Crush.

  She stacked the dishwasher in silence and once she had switched it on, it was Sebastian and Lukas’s bedtime.

  The boys were in the living room, building a train set in a dinosaur park. She kneeled down and picked up what she thought was a T-rex, and with a dinosaur voice, she said: “Time to go to sleep.”

  Unwillingly, they tore themselves away if she promised to read an entire dinosaur book, and after struggling to pronounce Carcharodontosaurus, Euoplocephalus and Deinonychus, with the children falling over with laughter, she finally tucked them in and kissed them goodnight.

  “I love you. Sweet dreams.”

  Downstairs, she picked up her bag and her library books.

  “Book club again?” Erik said back in the kitchen. “Seems a bit frequent.”

  She stood still for a moment and stared at him.

  Hold me. Hug me. Kiss me. Tell me you love me and I will stay.

  Her eyes obviously did a lousy job communicating her feelings. Erik put his feet up on one of the new chairs and kept swiping colourful candy across the screen.

  “Reading keeps me sane,” she said and then she left.

  Chapter 44 – Iris

  January 2016

  Once Anna sat down with her, the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the air, candles lit, Iris felt at peace. Their last meeting had been too brief. This would be different.

  “So, how have you been?” Iris asked.

  Anna was wearing another maxi skirt and Iris allowed herself to brush her bare feet against Anna’s stockings, sliding underneath the floral fabric. A bit of human contact, that’s all she wanted.

  Anna seemed tense, however. “Were there ever any other members of this book club?” she asked, pulling her legs up and onto the chair.

  “Oh.” Iris had half expected that question. “Well, yes. Initially there were going to be two more but they dropped out. And to be honest with you… I was pleased to have you to myself.”

  Anna looked at her intensely. Iris wasn’t sure if she was trying to assess whether she was being truthful or if she was searching for something else. Then she finally spoke: “I’m not sure I can do this.”

  “Right.” She couldn’t pretend to be unaffected. “That’s unfortunate. I mean, I had anticipated that you might not, but I…”

  She took the reading glasses off and rubbed her nose.

  “Did you read Sing me home?” she asked.

  Anna nodded.

  “So, then you know how Vanessa felt, how she worried that Zoe would leave her, that perhaps it wasn’t real for her?”

  “Yes…”

  “That’s how I have felt since you came to my house,” Iris said. Her eyes met Anna’s; she wanted the sincerity of her words to hit Anna straight in the heart.

  “But you’re not faithful to anyone,” Anna said.

  She sounded calm but her words were tinged with
something else. Hurt? Worry? Or was it judgement?

  “I can be,” Iris said.

  Anna picked at something on her skirt. She looked beautiful. Wavy hair, minimal make-up, the natural features pure.

  “I’m married,” Anna said, as if disclosing this for the first time. “I have children. Having an affair, I just can’t…”

  “An affair? This is not an affair.”

  Anna looked up. “It’s not?”

  “Perhaps it was at first,” Iris said.

  She felt herself gravitate towards Anna as she got out of her seat and sat down on the floor next to Anna’s chair. Uncharacteristically, she rested her head in Anna’s lap. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious action, to give Anna the power while she exposed her feelings.

  “I need to be close to you,” Iris said.

  Anna’s hands stroked Iris’s head, her fingers softly combing through the hair. Iris closed her eyes, pacified by the touch. They sat in silence for a long time before Anna spoke.

  “I feel confused,” she said.

  Her words sounded genuine but not exasperated, and Iris lifted her head to meet Anna’s gaze. She smiled to show that she understood before leaning forward. Their lips met halfway.

  It was a long and sensual kiss.

  “Maybe we could go somewhere,” Iris said, their mouths withdrawing for air. “A holiday, just the two of us.”

  Anna shook her head. “I’m not sure,” she said. “My children…” She looked away, her eyes watery. “Anyway, we would just be back where we are now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Iris stroked the back of Anna’s hands with her thumbs, the skin young and supple.

  “I know I would have a lovely time,” Anna said. “It’s not that. But I would be back here, in this library, feeling equally guilty and confused. Perhaps even more so.”

  Iris placed her hands on Anna’s cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet.

  “I want only you,” Iris said. “No one else.”

  “Why me?”

  Iris pictured Lena’s face together with the text she had sent after Rolf supposedly had ‘taken care of her’.