When I Wake Up

by Jessica Jarlvi

  “I’m not like other kids, and you’re not like other parents. Anyway,” she says. “You might have guessed that I’ve met someone and I want him to meet you and Mum.”

  His little girl with a boy in her life.

  “Just bring him to your mother’s place,” he says. “I’m allowed to visit.”

  “But first, there’s something you should know. He’s not my boyfriend… He’s my fiancé.”

  What the hell? Rolf wishes he were drinking so that he could get something caught in his throat and cough loudly. Instead he gasps silently.

  “You’re too young! Who is he? Did he get you pregnant? Is that why he asked you to marry him? And why didn’t you tell us?”

  “You done?” she asks calmly.

  He sighs. “Yeah.” Fuck, he really is losing everyone at the same time.

  “Look, Dad. I’m not pregnant and he didn’t ask me. I asked him.”

  She’s taking charge of her life and this shouldn’t exactly surprise him.

  “Congratulations,” he says. “I hope I’ll like him…”

  “Thanks, Dad. You will. And I’m sure Mum will too. So… the million-dollar question…what is Mum going to do now?”

  The movers are packing up his paintings, revealing one at the back that he hasn’t seen for years. It’s of Iris. She’s holding a book in her hand but she’s gazing out over the garden; a shawl is draped over her legs and there’s something sorrowful about her posture. Did he ever make her happy?

  “Have you asked her?” he says.

  “Of course,” Karin says. “You know what she’s like, though, she’s like a clam. She won’t tell me anything. I heard she woke up though, that woman.”

  “Yes, she did.” He pauses as they pack up the painting of Iris. A part of him doesn’t want to keep it, but at the same time, he can’t bear to lose it. “Look, Karin… I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I mean, I have seen them as learning experiences of course, not mistakes, but… your Mum, she’s a much better person than I am. That woman might not want your mum anymore, so who knows what the future holds. Know what I’m saying?”

  “Sure, I mean, my life already consists of an interesting brocade of people, so I’ll support you both. So, where are you moving to?”

  He’s moving to a farmhouse, east of Gothenburg. At least for now, until he decides what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

  “Gothenburg,” he says. “So that I can keep an eye on you.”

  “That’s cool as long as you don’t interfere with my life too much,” she laughs.

  Rolf is standing in his bare studio, watching the movers pack the last pieces.

  “I’m changing my style anyway,” he says. “I’m going to paint something I feel passionate about. Nudes.”

  She chortles. “How original! But I mean, good for you.”

  He imagines the women lining up, willingly losing their clothes for him. Maybe some of them will be comfortable with him painting in the nude, maybe others won’t. Either way, he will live an authentic life, filled with art, sex and strong family ties.

  “So you’re sure you’re not escaping Hågarp?” Karin says.

  “Not exactly,” he says. “My new motto is simply ‘if you find yourself in a hot seat… move seats’.”

  Chapter 78 – Erik

  Officer Johansson has arrived at Erik’s house with one of her male colleagues. They’re sitting at the kitchen table but have turned down his offer of coffee.

  “We appreciate that Anna can’t come to the station right now,” Officer Johansson says. “So we thought we would come here instead.”

  Erik wonders if everyone on the police force is as accommodating.

  “She still doesn’t remember anything about that night,” he says.

  “If she doesn’t,” Officer Johansson says, “then we need to assess whether to involve a therapist.”

  A therapist? More people coming and going in this house?

  “Of course,” he says. He needs to be agreeable.

  “But first, we wanted to talk to you.”

  “Is this about Daniel?”

  Officer Johansson nods. “We had to let him go.”

  What? No! “Why?”

  “He’s got an alibi,” Officer Johansson says. “He can’t have been at the school parking lot at the time of the attack.”

  “But he’s creepy.”

  “Maybe so, but he can’t have attacked Anna.”

  “What if he’s bought his alibi? Kent told me his brother is a criminal.”

  “Erik,” Officer Johansson says, making him feel like a child. “We are following all leads.”

  He finds himself missing Tina. They’re so vague and diplomatic, but he mustn’t show too much emotion. The iPhone on the table that is about to capture Anna’s conversation might already be recording. He’s not the enemy. Can’t they see how much he cares about his wife?

  “Everyone talks about Anna being dedicated to her work and not having any interests outside of school. She doesn’t seem very tight with anyone around here. That must mean you’re very close?”

  “We are,” he says.

  “We have also spoken to her family…”

  “I bet her father could have something to do with this,” Erik interrupts. “He’s a violent man.” Why hasn’t he thought of that before?

  “He was at an auto convention with his wife. Anyway, there are people who don’t seem to think you had such a great marriage.”

  Oh. “We do,” he says. “I mean, of course we don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.”

  He starts to cry. It can’t be helped. His marriage is under attack and David or Daniel or whatever his name is, has been released. What now?

  “We appreciate how stressful it must be to care for your wife at home while she recovers,” Officer Johansson says.

  “Thank you for saying that,” he says sincerely. Thank you. “Just find the person who attacked her,” he pleads.

  “I think we’re ready to see Anna now.”

  *

  Erik brings Anna into the kitchen. She walks by herself now, steadied by his hand. They greet each other and Officer Johansson apologises for the intrusion but Anna says she’s grateful for the work they’re doing.

  “We don’t want to bother you,” Officer Johansson says. “We just have a few questions.”

  Anna nods. “Okay.”

  They look up at Erik and he realises he’s expected to leave.

  Why do they always make him feel like he can’t be trusted? But he backs away. He has no choice.

  “I guess I’ll leave you to it.”

  He closes the door and walks up the stairs with heavy feet to signal that he is out of the way. Except he immediately sneaks back down again. The kitchen door is thin enough for him to hear what’s going on. Anna is vulnerable; he can’t leave her alone. That would be irresponsible.

  “Do you know Pernilla Arvidsson?” they ask her.

  Wow, straight in his gut. No small talk.

  Anna doesn’t say anything at first. He presses his ear against the white MDF door.

  “The name is familiar,” she says eventually.

  Erik’s had enough of Pernilla. Can’t she run off with Sophie’s dad and be done with him?

  “If you think of anything, let us know,” Officer Johansson can be heard saying.

  “Okay.”

  Anna sounds so eager to please and he knows she’s frustrated that she can’t offer more help.

  “We need to ask you something else.” The policeman clears his throat. “Did you see your husband at the school parking lot the night you were attacked?”

  Pernilla! That lying bitch. He wants to scream through the door. It must be her.

  “Erik?” Anna says. “No, why would he have been there?”

  “We have to ask.”

  “No,” Anna says. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  There’s muffled conversation and he can’t hear them. When it sounds like t
hey’re about to pack up, he quickly runs upstairs to avoid getting caught. Then he waits until his name is called.

  “Erik?” It’s Officer Johansson. Anna’s voice isn’t strong enough.

  He walks downstairs at a leisurely pace. See, I’ve been busy up here.

  *

  When they have left, Anna turns to Erik.

  “They asked if I saw you in the parking lot. It sounds like someone might have seen you there.” She looks as if she’s trying to remember. “No, hang on, they said that someone did see you but that the person isn’t necessarily trustworthy. That’s why they needed to talk to me.”

  He leans his head back, sighs. Shit.

  “Maybe someone is making it up,” he says.

  “Who?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Erik, this isn’t a time for secrets.” She looks so helpless. “I need to remember. Please.”

  “I know,” he says and places his hands over hers on the table. “But it’s got nothing to do with you.”

  “Nothing to do with me?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Maybe it’s better to come clean? She will find out sooner or later anyway. “There’s this girl who’s been really into me and I think she might have said something to the police to piss me off.”

  Anna nods. “Right. Why would she want to get you in trouble?”

  “Because I’m not into her.”

  “Anymore?”

  It’s like an alarm going off in his body. Does she know about Pernilla?

  “I guess,” he says.

  “I’m trying to remember, Erik. No guesses, please.”

  The mild woman who was wheeled into the house a week ago seems to have gained some strength. He wants to lash out at her, tell her how hard these last three months have been, but how would that help? They would argue and he would be labelled the bad guy.

  “Erik, I can’t do this. I feel like I don’t know you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Every moment since she came home feels like a test. He’s not sure what’s right or wrong, how to act, what to say.

  “Who is she?” she asks.

  He won’t get into this. What he will do, however, is hold up a mirror and reflect Pernilla’s pettiness right back at her.

  “Perhaps she was so jealous she decided to get rid of the competition?”

  The shocked look on Anna’s face makes him regret his words.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  Pernilla was so sweet initially. Caring. The way Anna used to be. She listened and laughed and joked with Sebastian and Lukas. The way a mother should. Anyway, he obviously misjudged her. You also misjudged Anna.

  “Why did we get married?” she asks. “I just don’t feel… in love with you.”

  “Please don’t say that,” he says, injured. “After everything we have gone through, don’t say that. You will feel it, I’m sure.”

  She pulls away and shakes her head.

  “No,” she says. “I want a divorce, Erik.”

  Chapter 79 – Anna

  The following morning, Anna tells Erik to go to work. She needs to be alone, to think.

  “I don’t need a babysitter,” she says.

  “I’m not sure…”

  “Please,” she begs. “I need to rest and it would be nice to have some peace and quiet so that I can sleep, watch a bit of TV and perhaps even read.”

  He hesitates and she understands it’s because of the previous evening’s conversation. Erik hasn’t agreed to the divorce yet. He told her that he married her for life.

  “We are meant to be together, Anna,” he said but nothing about his body language mimicked the passion or conviction that Iris had.

  She appreciates everything Erik has done and she has tried, but her request for divorce slipped out and when it did, she found it more liberating than terrifying.

  Anna remembers Iris. Their bodies entwined, pleasuring each other, moaning and giggling. How effortless it was. She wants to feel that way again but she needs to be on her own now, to get back to her old self. It’s pointless telling Erik about Iris; until she has regained her full memory, she can’t be with anyone. Anna hoped that Erik would help her fill in the gaps but every day she’s annoyed with him. She’s not sure why.

  “What is it about me that you love?” she asked him.

  She felt she had asked that question before, she just couldn’t remember when. Nor could she remember his response.

  “We have two children together,” he said.

  “Is that enough?” she asked, deciding to put pressure on him. “What is it about me that you love? Help me remember.”

  She wanted him to tell her that she was the only woman for him, that he loved her laugh, her eyes or her hair. Anything that she could hang onto.

  He looked teary-eyed. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just feel like my life has gone down the toilet except for those two boys and I can’t be without them, not even every other week if we share custody.”

  “That will be hard for me too,” she admitted.

  “I won’t do it.”

  And there it was again. A flickering memory. He had said that before. I won’t do it. Her memory was still fitting together like a puzzle, the pieces finding their place one at a time. Was it when she was offered the job in Mörna and she asked him to move with her? Or was it when she suggested they have children or when she asked him to take paternity leave? Nothing was ever straightforward with him.

  “You have to take some responsibility,” she said. “If you’re not satisfied with your life…”

  “Oh, here we go again,” he said. “No, I’m not bloody satisfied with my life, especially not having a wife who wants to divorce me, and oh, I have a dead-end career. So apart from my boys, I pretty much have nothing.”

  “I didn’t tell you to give up your music ambitions,” Anna said.

  At that point he stormed out of the kitchen and left her alone.

  *

  By half-past eight, Erik has agreed to leave but there is a knock on the door. It’s two police officers.

  “We just want to check that everything is okay,” they say.

  Erik is impatient and tells them he needs to take the children to day care.

  “Can we come inside and talk to Anna?”

  Erik looks at her and she nods. Of course they can.

  “You go,” she says to him but he lingers while they step into the hallway.

  “We just want to make sure you’re alright?”

  “Thanks,” Anna says. She appreciates their concern. “But really, I don’t think you need to worry. There still have been no threats.”

  This has slightly surprised her. If someone so violently attacked her, then he or she must have really hated her. Does that person feel satisfied, just knowing she was hurt? Is that enough? She hopes so.

  She promises to call if anything seems suspicious and Erik assures them that Anna is only left alone for very short periods of time. They also show the police their new burglar alarm, with a panic button for Anna.

  After they leave, Erik hugs her.

  “You see,” he says. “You need me to stick around to protect you.”

  “You’re going to be late,” she says, withdrawing from his embrace.

  She kneels down to hug the boys, pulling them both close.

  “Mum, you’re hurting us,” Lukas laughs.

  “I love you so much,” she says, breathing in their scent, remembering the baby stage when she tried to nurse them both at the same time. It made her feel like a cow! The sudden memory makes her smile.

  “Mummy needs to rest,” she explains. “But when you come home, I want you to tell me all about your adventures.”

  “We will,” Sebastian promises.

  When Erik and the boys have left, the house is completely quiet. She thinks of her beautiful boys playing at day care today and although she will miss them, she knows they will have fun. They ha
ve so much energy. Every time she sees them, she feels abundantly cheerful. That’s an emotion she remembers.

  She lies down on her bed, to rest and let her mind wander. All she can hear are the trees blowing in the wind outside, birds chirping; the stillness makes her feel content. At least until the previous evening’s conversation repeats itself in her head. She’s leaving her husband. That’s big.

  She shuts the thought down. It’s too much for her brain to cope with right now. Her thoughts drift to the police instead. Why do they keep checking up on her? If only she could remember that night.

  Daniel threatened her. She remembers that. She remembers him. He wrote her letters and emails and he was there, in the parking lot. Was it the same night as the attack? That’s the tricky part. She doesn’t know. You will do as I say. He wanted to live under her roof and somehow he had managed to do that without her knowledge. Was that his plan all along? To attack her, get her out of the way and then wriggle his way in? He kissed her and she rejected him. Had he punished her?

  She gets out of bed and walks through the house, to spark those final memories. This is her home but she feels like a houseguest. As soon as she feels better, she will move somewhere else. Maybe even sooner if she can arrange it. She decides to start upstairs. It takes her a while; she must stop on every other step and take a couple of breaths before she can move on. With each step, however, she feels her strength returning and it’s a good feeling. She needs to be strong.

  Sebastian and Lukas’s room is a mess. She smells their pillows, her insides pulling so hard at her, she must steady herself. They are both incredibly pure. What must it have been like for them, seeing her in the hospital, not knowing if she would ever wake up again? The recurring guilt pains her. What could she have done differently? How could she have prevented this from happening? She feels very strongly that she had something to do with it, that it somehow was her fault.

  She makes the boys’ beds and moves onto the landing and into her and Erik’s bedroom. The desk is still a mess and there are clothes all over the floor. She’s been upset about this chaos many times before. She can hear her own voice: ‘Can you please, please pick up after yourself?’ Sounding like a mother.

  She feels an urge to tidy up. If she can clear up a part of the house perhaps she can also find some peace. She gathers up all the clothes and separates them into the two laundry baskets in the bathroom: white clothes in one and all the rest in the other. Exhausted, she sits down by the desk and stares at the paper pile towering like a pyramid in the middle. She picks one at random. An electricity bill. She puts it to the side. There are a number of bills and she wonders if Erik has paid them.