Black Beans & Vice

by J. B. Stanley

  “That’s wonderful! You, me, Eliot, Snickers, and Miss Pickles. We could tie the rings onto Snickers’ collar.”

  “And put a basket of tissue paper flowers on the floor. Miss Pickles would scatter those in a heartbeat!” They’d chuckled at the idea. After passing James the wooden spoon so he might taste the sauce, Jane said, “The more I think about it, the more I believe your parents should be here too.”

  “But won’t your folks be hurt when they find out they weren’t included?”

  She’d shaken her head. “No. They’ll just be happy we made things official. Besides, we’re not taking pictures or having a cake or anything like that, so there really won’t be any details for them to hear about later on. I’m wearing a blue and white sundress and sandals and you can be just as casual.” She’d put an arm around his waist. “We’re stripping away all the trimmings this time around. On Friday, it’s all about the promises we make to one another. Nothing else matters.”

  However, by the time the Fitzgerald brothers finished with their lunch breaks that Friday, James had already thrown out page after page of rejected wedding vows. He spent his entire break surfing wedding websites and flipping through books stuffed with sample vows. None of them felt right.

  By the afternoon coffee break, James was nearing a state of panic. The twins knew something was amiss with their boss, so when James ducked into the kitchen to start the coffee machine, Francis trailed after him.

  “Professor?” The younger man said. “Do you need a hand? An ear? A shoulder to cry on? A punching bag? Scott and I have watched the clouds gathering over your head all day long.”

  James, who had been staring at the tin of coffee grounds as though he might see his future written there, jumped at the sound of Francis’ voice. The scoop in his right hand jerked sideways and grounds went everywhere. “Blast!” He dampened a paper towel and waved at Francis to stay back. “It’s not your fault. My mind is a tangled knot today.” He glanced at the younger man. “Jane and I are getting married in two hours and I haven’t written my vows yet!”

  “Ohhhh,” Francis whispered and squatted down to push the grounds on the floor into a tidy pile. “But you’re good with words, Professor. Can’t you just tell her you love her and that you’ll take care of her for the rest of your life?”

  Shaking his head, James dumped the paper towel in the trashcan. “I need to promise more than that. I need to make her realize that she is the only one in the world for me, that she makes my dreams come true, and that she’s given me a second chance at happiness.” His eyes grew distant as he thought about Jane. “I want her to know that her love is a gift to me and that my love for her is, and always will be, the forever kind. She is my friend and my partner and my soul mate and together, we can make all the days of our lives whatever we want them to be. As long as she’s with me, no matter what happens, I’ll have hope and I will face each new day with gratitude and joy in my heart.”

  Francis had stopped cleaning. Sitting back on his heels, he stared at his boss open-mouthed. “Wow, Professor. I would totally want to marry you if you said that to me!”

  “That was okay? It wasn’t formal or grammatically correct or—”

  “Forget about that stuff! It was awesome!” Francis leapt up, dashed from the room, and returned with a pen and scrap paper. “Write it down. Quickly! And then post a copy on YouTube for the rest of us hopeless guys.”

  James sat at the table and wrote his vows, smiling all the while. As soon as he was done, he wolfed down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then called his parents. He would later swear that Milla squealed in delight for a full thirty seconds.

  He failed to accomplish even the most menial tasks that afternoon. It wasn’t nerves. James wanted nothing more than to recite his vows and slide a ring onto Jane’s finger. Now that the ceremony was almost upon him, he found he couldn’t concentrate on books. When a female patron asked for a light beach read, James handed her The Color Purple. Right after that, he gave Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol to a patron who despised books having anything to do with conspiracy theory. Fortunately, Scott remedied both blunders as soon as James turned away to collect the wrong amount of money for an overdue fine.

  At four-thirty, Francis tapped James on the shoulder. “Scott and I think you should go home, Professor. You’ve got a big evening ahead. We’ll see you at the play tonight. If anything work-related comes up, we can always fill you in then.”

  James gave his employee a crooked smile. “You’re right. I’ve never bumbled about the library as much as I have this afternoon. If I stay here any longer, I’m going to let some seven-year-old check out a Laurel Hamilton novel.”

  Scott walked over and, one at a time, the twins embraced their boss. “Congrats, Professor. Now go get married.” They smiled and pushed him out the door.

  When he got home he found Jane in the backyard, weaving a daisy chain. She’d already made several for Eliot and wore one around her head like a crown. When she saw James, she finished the chain in her hands and placed it around his neck. He closed his arms around her back and planted a soft kiss on her mouth. She smelled like grass and sunshine. As he released her, Eliot bellowed a pirate’s “Arggh!” from his tree house and waved at James with a plastic sword.

  “You go in and change,” James told Jane. “Or you could just stay like this. I think you look like a queen in your tank top and bare feet. And the crown of daisies is very bridal.”

  Jane laughed. “I’d keep it on, but then I’d look like an aging hippie. Perhaps a single bloom tucked behind the ear is more fitting. See you at ‘the altar’.”

  “I’ll be there!” James waited for her to go inside before scooping Eliot up in his arms. “Now, you’re mine! Consider yourself pirate-napped!”

  For the next thirty minutes, James and Eliot raced around the yard, alternating between warring pirates and co-conspirators in search of buried treasure.

  “Arggh, I wish I could remember where we left our booty!” James growled out of the side of his mouth while squinting one eye shut.

  Eliot poked at the base of the birdhouse pole with a sharp stick. “It was those robbers! They stole our treasure!”

  James stood as tall as he could and put his hands on his hips, surveying the yard with a fierce glower. “Let’s make ’em walk the plank!”

  Together, he and Eliot prodded a plastic Velociraptor and a wind-up robot to the end of a narrow wood board jutting out over the deck railing. On the ground below, they’d placed a rubber crocodile and a pair of Halloween vampire teeth on a blue towel.

  “You must pay for your treachery!” James snarled.

  “Yeah!” Eliot echoed with glee.

  Once the sea monster had devoured the toys, the Henry men went inside and clinked glasses of ice water, signifying their victory over the forces of evil. By the time James showered and changed into fresh khakis and a light blue polo shirt, the wedding officiate had arrived. James welcomed him inside and introduced him to Eliot. Milla and Jackson weren’t far behind and James was unsurprised to see Milla carrying a large cardboard box into the kitchen.

  “I didn’t think you’d have enough time to bake anything,” James complained. “You were just supposed to show up and enjoy yourselves. No gifts, no food, just a simple champagne toast.”

  “Fiddlesticks!” Milla exclaimed. “I was not going to let this occasion pass without contributing in some way. You were so wonderful to Jackson and me when we got married. How could I sit around and twiddle my thumbs when I knew I had the chance to whip up something for you and Jane. Believe me, with only two hours I was forced to make a simple dessert.”

  Jackson snorted. “You should see what she’s callin’ ‘simple’.”

  “Hold the box for me, dear.” Milla smiled at her husband.

  Placing his good arm around the base of the box, Jackson looked on with pride as Milla lifted out a small tower of cupcakes. The cupcakes were vanilla frosted and rimmed with white sugar crystals. In the cent
er of each cupcake, Milla had drawn a heart using silver icing. The top cupcake featured the bride and groom’s initials, in elegant silver script.

  “How lovely!” Jane cried upon entering the kitchen. “Thank you, Milla!”

  Milla embraced her future daughter-in-law and elbowed Jackson in the ribs. “Go on, dear. Tell Jane what you wanted to say.”

  Jackson spoke slowly, making a powerful effort to form his words clearly. “I’m right glad you and my son are puttin’ your lives together.” He glanced at James and though his face appeared impassive, there was a twinkle in his eyes. “It’s a real gift to this old fool to have you all livin’ close by. You three and Milla here give me reason to get this bag of bones outta bed in the mornin’.” He hesitated, gathering the needed strength to finish his speech. “Guess what I’m tryin’ to say is I’m right honored to be here today.”

  Jane threw her arms around Jackson and kissed him heartily on the cheek. As she led him into the living room James turned to Milla and whispered, “He’s walking much better this week.”

  Milla nodded. “Your daddy’s been working real hard in therapy. He wants nothing more than to get on his hands and knees and play with his grandson. The nurses say they’ve never seen someone Jackson’s age make such speedy progress.”

  Indeed, Jackson barely limped as he walked into the living room to shake hands with Mr. Love. Snickers had made himself at home on Eliot’s lap while Miss Pickles perched like a gargoyle behind his shoulder on the sofa back. James had to laugh when he noticed that the animal’s collars had been replaced by daisy chains.

  “All set?” asked Mr. Love.

  James and Jane smiled at one another.

  “We’ve never been more ready,” James answered and took hold of his bride’s hand.

  _____

  Sitting in the auditorium of Blue Ridge High School, James kept touching the gold band encircling his left ring finger. Even though it had been years since James last wore a wedding ring, he was surprised at how wonderful it was to feel the warm metal against his skin and to be able to display his status as a married man to the entire world.

  Next to him, Jane glowed. James had never seen her looking more beautiful and he couldn’t stop repeatedly leaning over and whispering in her ear or kissing her on the cheek.

  “Ease up on the PDA, kids!” Lucy teased as she took the reserved chair next to James.

  With flushed cheeks, James craned his neck toward the back of the room. Nearly every available seat had been taken and the noise level was rising exponentially. “Is Sullie here?”

  “He wants to hang out in the parking lot for a bit,” Lucy answered cryptically. “Where’s Eliot?”

  “With his grandparents,” James said. “We’re having a date night.”

  Bennett and Gillian walked briskly down the carpeted aisle and settled in the two seats next to Jane. The two women immediately fell into conversation about what they planned to purchase at the farmer’s market the next morning while Bennett frowned over the paper program in his hands. “I could be watchin’ baseball!” he moaned and James chuckled.

  “Luis promised us a night we’ll never forget,” James reminded his friend.

  “He did?” Lindy asked as she took the last open seat in the row. She reached across Lucy to poke James in the leg. “When did you run into him and what exactly did he mean by that?” Her eyes darted around the room as she waited for his answer. “Where is his mama? She could be up to no good.”

  “I saw her sitting right in the middle.” Lucy pointed at the opposite side of the room. “With Luigi and his brood.” She shook her head. “Call me crazy, but she seemed to be thoroughly enjoying herself with his kids.”

  Lindy brightened. “Those darlings might just save me! If Alma gets wrapped up in their lives, she won’t have enough spare time to meddle in mine!”

  Suddenly, the lights blinked and the clamor from the audience died down. A teacher walked up to the piano positioned offstage and began to hammer out a lively melody. The heavy red curtain parted and a pretty young girl dressed in contemporary clothes began to sing. Soon, the crowd was completely absorbed in the blossoming romance between Claudio and Hero and the antics of Beatrice and Benedick. Just when things seemed to be going smoothly for both couples, the treacherous Don John appeared at the back of the auditorium, singing in a bold, bass voice about his plans to ruin Claudio and Hero’s wedding. As the spotlight followed the teenage thespian down the aisle, Jane suddenly gasped and jabbed her fingertips into the flesh of James’ arm.

  “It’s Kenneth!” she hissed fearfully. “I saw him when the light shone on the section near the fire door!”

  James desperately tried to distinguish the shadowy faces in the far back rows, which had been pitched into darkness once the spotlight had passed. He leaned over to Lucy. “Jane says she saw Kenneth! Sitting near the fire door. What should we do?”

  Lucy’s shoulders stiffened. “Sullie was right. He had a hunch Kenneth might come around tonight—said he was about due for another appearance. You stay here. I’ll handle this jerk.”

  When Lucy left, Lindy slid into her vacant chair. “What is going on?” she asked James and was angrily shushed by the older woman seated behind her. Onstage, the girl playing Hero sang a duet with the boy cast as her father, Leonato. As their voices intertwined, the pair walked with extreme slowness down a red velvet aisle, the train of Hero’s wedding gown being carried by her maid, Margaret. Suddenly, it became painfully apparent from his balled fists and hostile glare that the groom was waiting in a state of extreme anger and the joyful melody abruptly morphed into a song filled with discord and strife.

  The disharmony of the music spurred James into action. “Come on!” he whispered urgently to Jane. “What if Kenneth goes to the house … ?”

  “Eliot!” Jane’s eyes flashed with fear. Ignoring the rumblings of the woman behind them, James told Gillian and Bennett what was happening and then jogged up the aisle.

  “His chair is empty now,” Jane said as soon as all five of them were gathered in the school hall.

  Lindy’s face was stormy. “This creep is going down! No one runs around my school bullying people without getting in trouble. Kenneth Cooper is about to serve the longest detention of his life!”

  Minutes later, armed with aluminum baseball bats taken from the school’s P.E. supply closet, they moved down the empty halls, rattling each and every classroom door, but all were locked.

  Outside, the night sky blazed with brilliant stars and a luminescent half moon. The parking lot, which formed an L-shape around the building, was eerily quiet. James looked around, trying to discern the shape of a man’s body in the darkness surrounding the parked vehicles. The glow from the parking lot lights added to the confusion, refracting off hundreds of windshields like mirror images of the stars above. More than once, James was certain he’d seen movement in the periphery of his vision, but it turned out to be merely a wink of light bouncing off a car window.

  Deciding that subtlety was not necessary, James shouted, “LUCY! WHERE ARE YOU?”

  “AT YOUR TRUCK!” Lucy’s voice rang out through the parking lot.

  James broke into a run, Jane and the rest of the supper club members close on his heels. He’d parked near the football field and as he approached the Bronco, he could see the beam of a flashlight playing over his truck. Sullie was barking terse orders into his cell phone while Lucy examined the Bronco’s hood.

  “What the—!” Bennett began and then stopped.

  Kenneth had formed a heart made of black feathers on the hood of James’ Bronco. But what made the women gasp in horror and rendered James and Bennett speechless was the blood splattered over the feathers and in wild zigzags across the windshield.

  “There’s more.” Lucy gestured at the back of the truck. There, tethered to the bumper, were three dead birds. Ropes were tied around the crow’s necks and they dangled midair, heads lolling and dark eyes set in fixed stares.

  James put
a protective arm around his wife.

  “It’s like a twisted version of the tin cans people put on a newlywed’s car,” Lindy murmured in repulsion.

  James and Jane exchanged fearful looks. “Do you think he knows?” Jane gulped. “Could he have been there?”

  Lucy was observing Jane closely. “Been where?” she demanded.

  “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you.” James held out his arms to indicate that he was addressing everyone. “Jane and I were married by the Justice of the Peace earlier this evening.” Taking Jane’s hand in his, he showed his friends their rings. “We didn’t want it to be a big deal. We just wanted to quietly make things official.”

  “Second time’s the charm,” Jane added with a nervous smile.

  For a moment, his announcement hung in the air, but as the supper club members wrapped their minds around the news, their grim and anxious expressions were transformed into smiles.

  “Mazel tov!” Gillian shouted and embraced the couple.

  Lindy was next to congratulate them. “You really are meant to spend your lives together!”

  “Way to go, man.” Bennett clapped James on the shoulder and then kissed Jane on the cheek.

  Lucy touched each one of them on the arm and said, “I’m happy for you both,” while Sullie beamed at them briefly before turning businesslike again. “Okay, so this event must have prompted Kenneth into action. And he hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s hiding.” He crossed his arms, making his biceps appear even bigger than before. “No vehicles have entered or exited this lot since the play started. Our guy went in with the rest of the crowd and since I didn’t see him come out, I bet he plans to wait and leave when everyone else does.”

  “But we’re not going to let that happen,” Lucy stated with authority. “This nonsense stops right here, right now.” She turned to Jane. “I have to be blunt; this is all about you. For some reason or another, your ex is going crazy because you’ve moved on. To draw him out of hiding, I need to use you as bait.”

  “No!” James protested, but Lucy held out her hand. “I’ll be with her. It’ll seem like we’re two vulnerable women alone in the parking lot, but I can handle anything this guy’s got to dish out. Sullie, you take Lindy and Gillian and do a sweep of the area near the bus drop-off. James and Bennett, you guys check every row of this lot.” She handed James a flashlight. “Don’t forget to sweep under the cars too. A grown man can easily stay out of sight beneath a jacked-up truck or some of these other SUVs.”