CowSex

by Lesley Jones

  “Shit,” I whisper between my teeth.

  “Oooh. Gracie said a bad word, Daddy.”

  “Boll—sheet, I said sheet. We need to remember to put the sheets on your new bed when we get home,” I lie.

  We haven’t shown Malia her pink palace yet. I thought we were gonna have today to get it finished, but her arrival early this morning has put paid to that. Koa has a couple of his blokes coming over later to fix the timber butterflies we bought last weekend to the ceiling, then the room will be ready to be dressed. I don’t want her seeing it until then.

  “Gonna have to watch that dirty mouth around my kid, Essex. She has radar hearing.”

  “Sorry. I’m not used to being around children.”

  He gives me a half smile. “Best get used to it then.”

  He’s been a bit quiet since Malia arrived, or is it since his ex-wife left? The woman’s a complete arsehole, and I’ve no clue how Koa ended up married to two total bitches. One a drunken psycho, the other a straight-up C-U-Next-Tuesday.

  Ruby returns, fluttering her eyelashes at Kai and guides us to our booth. Kai and Koa slide in one side, Malia next to me opposite of them.

  At her insistence, she’s wearing one of my beanies on her head, and despite the fact that I rolled it up a couple times, it’s still way too big and sliding over her eyes.

  She sits up on her knees and rests her elbows on the table.

  “Pancakes, please. Just syrup, no bacon. Thank you,” she tells Ruby, who hasn’t even begun taking our orders yet.

  “Wait up, Lia,” Kai tells her. She sticks her tongue out at him in response.

  “You all right?” I ask Koa. “You’re very quiet.”

  “Hung-over more like. Can’t hold your liquor like you used to, huh, old man?” Kai quips.

  “I can hold my liquor fine, boy. Just got a lot on my mind.” He winks at me, and I melt into the PVC seat.

  Ruby takes our drinks orders—green tea is now on the menu—and hands Malia a cup full of crayons so she can colour the picture on the back of her kid’s menu.

  I skim my eyes over my menu and then flick them to Koa, who’s fidgeting in his seat. Kai’s scrolling through his phone, and Malia’s humming to herself as she colours in a mermaid, so I kick his foot under the table to get his attention. He puts his menu down and looks at me.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask just as Ruby arrives with our drinks and Malia’s pancakes. Koa shakes his head at me. I frown in confusion.

  “We’ll talk about it later.”

  My mind trips right into full-on overdrive, and I begin speculating about what I might’ve done to piss him off. Though, he doesn’t appear pissed off, just a little quiet and maybe agitated or uncomfortable.

  I think back to earlier this morning when he first opened his eyes and sang, “I think I wanna marry you.” Perhaps he’s regretting that? Or concerned that I might have actually taken him seriously.

  Pffft.

  Not at all.

  Okay, for a split second.

  Maybe.

  Okay, so I admit, I went to Pinterest and may have started researching Aspen weddings.

  Malia stops her humming long enough to order her pancakes, and Koa tells Kai to put his phone away before the rest of us place our orders.

  The lack of conversation makes everything uncomfortable, and I rack my brain for something to say that’s not too random.

  “So, your names, are they all Hawaiian?”

  “Mine is. It means Mary in Hawaiian. Like baby Jesus’s mom, and Daddy’s great grandma who comes from Hawaiian land. Right, Daddy?” Malia says all that without looking up from her now purple-and-pink haired mermaid.

  “Right, baby girl.”

  “What’s yours mean?” I ask Kai.

  “Ocean or sea,” he tells me.

  “You have middle names?”

  “I do. Malia Lucinda Carmichael. Age four,” she announces proudly and holds up four fingers.

  I get my first genuine smile since we arrived from Koa, causing involuntary pelvic floor contractions to start.

  “Hmmm. MLC, I can’t really do anything with that.”

  Koa raises his eyebrows and chin questioningly.

  “I like to shorten people’s names according to their initials, Kimmie and Ryan don’t have middle names, but their surname’s O’Donaghue, so they’re Kod and Rod, but I can’t do anything with MLC. What’s yours?”

  “Dad and I both have the same, but that’s not—”

  “Important,” Koa interrupts his son. “Middle names are not worth worrying about. I don’t know why people bother with them.”

  I notice Kai grinning as Koa speaks.

  “What?” Kai laughs harder and starts shaking his head. “What is it?” I ask again.

  “Kai,” Koa warns.

  “It’s Orlando.”

  “What is?”

  “Our middle names. They are Orlando.”

  Hmmm. Different. But again, I like it.

  I take a sip of my tea, and then I spray it across the table when I fail to contain the laugh that bursts from me.

  “Koc,” I announce in a fit of laughter. “You’re a pair of Kocs.”

  “Cock-a-doodle-doo,” Malia crows.

  Kai throws his head back and laughs. Koa tears his napkin into tiny pieces while shaking his head at me.

  “I’m changing that on my phone right now. You are so going in my contacts as Koc.”

  Malia is now standing on the bench seat and attempting a cockerel impersonation with her bent arms and crowing as our food arrives. I catch my breath long enough to spot Danielle approaching our table, Misty hovering in the background. Every ounce of humour is suddenly sucked from the room.

  “Seriously?” I look at Koa and ask. “One day. Just one day without this sh—nonsense would make my life happy.”

  He looks to see what I’m talking about before he closes his eyes and groans.

  “Well, ain’t this cosy? Not sure what happened to my invite, son, but I didn’t get it.”

  I twist sideways in my seat away from them and try to distract Malia by getting her to sit down and eat. She doesn’t need to witness Danielle’s poison.

  Ruby leaves us without a word. Danielle doesn’t. She folds her arms over her belly and stands there glaring at us.

  “Didn’t send you an invite, because I don’t want you here, Mom. I told you last night in my text that until you get yourself sober, I don’t want you in my life.”

  “I’ll get sober when I’m good and ready, son. Ain’t you or nobody else gonna tell me when or what I can drink.”

  I watch as Martha moves from around the counter and heads our way.

  “Well, then, you need to stay away from me until you are good and ready because I want nothing to do with you until that time. And don’t bother calling or texting me, I’ve blocked your number.”

  “Okay, Dani, knock it off. Out, the pair of ya,” Martha orders.

  I’ve chopped Malia’s pancake into tiny pieces, and I keep looking at her, rather than getting involved in what’s going on around us.

  “Me? You’re throwing me out? So, Mr Hotshot, who hasn’t shown his face in town for how long, comes waltzing back, and it’s me you’re throwing out?”

  “Koa might not have been around in recent times, but Kai comes in regularly with the rest of the construction guys, and I’d rather have his business than yours any day of the week. So, yeah, it’s you I’m throwing out. So scoot before I call the cops.”

  “Ha, who needs the police when you’ve got the queen of fucking England here? Have you met Koa’s next baby momma?”

  “Watch your mouth, Danielle,” Koa warns her.

  “Mom, please don’t keep doing this.” Kai’s eyes fill with tears as he pleads. Malia senses the tone of her brother’s voice and looks up as a tear falls from his lashes to his cheek and her little chin starts to tremble.

  I lose my shit.

  “Out!” I turn and slide from the booth. “Get the fu
ck out. Go away and drink your sad and lonely little life away down some alley or in some park, anywhere but near my family and me.”

  I push Danielle as hard as I can in the chest, and since she’s plastered at eleven in the morning, she can’t keep her balance and lands flat on her arse.

  Koa’s right beside me, and I hear Malia crying over my shoulder. “Sorry,” I shout out to anyone that wants to listen. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have sworn or pushed her, but fuck me, she’s getting on my last nerve.”

  All I hear is Koa saying quietly, “You called us your family. I’m so gonna marry the shit out of you, Essex.”

  I struggle to contain the smile that wants to escape and spread across my lips. Then, when Danielle slips twice before managing to get up on her feet, I actually laugh, and that’s when Sheriff Nelson comes walking through the door.

  “Carmichael, Ms Elliott. However did I spend my days before you two arrived in town?”

  TWO HOURS LATER, THE WHOLE ugly encounter has been pretty much forgotten. We’ve wandered around the market and chosen two Christmas trees to be delivered on Saturday, bought a ton of hand-carved decorations, and eaten two bags of doughnut holes between us.

  We’re now watching Malia while she gets her face painted and transformed into a stunningly sparkly, pink-and-purple butterfly.

  Koa hasn’t stopped smiling at me since Dinnergate, but he still seems a little worked up about something and hasn’t ceased fidgeting.

  “Do I need to get you one of those spinner things the kids were all going mad over earlier in the year?”

  “What spinner things?”

  “A fidget spinner. Parents give them to kids that can’t sit still. What’s wrong with you today, you got ants in your pants?”

  “Something like that, yeah.”

  “What? Wha’d’ya mean?”

  “Those wipes of yours that you left in my bathroom, they’ve made my ass sore,” he bends his knees and lowers himself so he can talk directly into my ear.

  “What wipes?” I’m confused.

  “Those wipes you have, the ones I asked you about when I helped you first unpack, there’s a packet of them you left in my bathroom. I’ve been using them all week, and they’ve made my ass itch like fuck.”

  “I didn’t leave any—” My hand comes up to cover my mouth as realisation hits me. “Oh, Koa.” I desperately suck in my cheeks and try not to laugh.

  “What?”

  “They’re not arse wipes, my love. They’re lemon scented bleach wipes I found in your utility room that I used to clean your toilet with.”

  “What?” He frowns and looks thoroughly pissed off as he processes what I’m telling him.

  “So, let me get this straight, I’ve been lemon scenting and bleaching my asshole all week?”

  “’Fraid so, babe. No wonder it’s sore. At least it’s clean and smells nice, though.” I snort as I attempt to talk and laugh at the same time.

  “Fuck off.”

  “Babe, come on, it’s funny.”

  “I might’ve done permanent damage.”

  “Awww, you need a cuddle, Princess?”

  “Your bedside manner sucks.”

  “Yeah, you mentioned that already.”

  “That was the other week, before you loved me.”

  I begin to choke on thin air. Did I hear him right?

  “Before I what?”

  He wraps his arms around my shoulders and looks down at me. My eyes dart to Malia, who’s chatting to the girl painting her face, who’s busy giving Kai her number.

  “Before you loved me, Essex.”

  “Who says I love you now?”

  “Me. You called us your family. You’re living under my roof, sleeping in my bed, and eating food at my table. You took on a woman that upset my kids—twice—and you called us your family. If you don’t love me yet, then I guarantee that you will before this weekend’s over.”

  Emotion builds in my chest. My head, heart, and belly feel like they have fluffy pink clouds floating around in them. Teeny tiny pixie-like fairy people jump from one cloud to the other, shouting “Weeeee” in squeaky pixie voices as they go.

  I open and close my mouth several times, but not a single word comes out.

  “And just so you’re aware, I meant what I said earlier, I’m gonna marry the fuck outta you.”

  “When?” I wheeze.

  “Whenever we can make it happen. I looked online the other day at what needs to be done about a visa and all that kinda shit. We’ll get an agent, let them deal with it.”

  “The other...but I...this is—”

  “CowSex, Gracie. That’s what this is. Fuck KimKay, BrAngelina, Hollywood, their twenty-eight kids, and whoever the fuck else. What we’ve got is real. Our very own fairy tale. Once upon a time, a Cowboy tackled an Essex Girl to the ground, they had CowSex, filled a house full with CowSex babies, and lived happily ever after.”

  “KimKay?” I don’t even bother to fight my smile.

  “Whatever the fuck they’re called. Just say yes.”

  “Is that the end?”

  “If you say yes, it’ll just be the beginning.”

  “Yes.”

  He grins down at me as snow starts to fall.

  “Really?”

  “Nah, I was joking.”

  His smile falters for a second but soon returns when he catches mine.

  “Koa. Stop. What are you doing?”

  He slides all the way down my body to his knees. Right there in the middle of the Christmas market people that were walking past, have now stopped to stare, and snow is falling all around us.

  It’s exactly like a real-life fairy-tale. We even have wicked stepmothers and ugly sidekicks.

  My eyes dart to Kai, who appears to be filming the whole thing on his phone. Face painter girl has stopped what she’s doing and is staring at us with her mouth open, and Malia is chatting to anyone that wants to listen about the butterfly tattoo she’s gonna get when she turns twelve.

  “Marry me, Essex. Let’s take a chance, go crazy, and marry the fuck out of each other?”

  “Koa,” I say his name on a whispered sob before I nod. “Yes. So much yes. Yes all the yeses. I’ll marry you.”

  Koa climbs back to his feet in one swift move, grabs my hand, and holds it up. “She said yes, people. She said yes.”

  That earns us a cheer from our growing crowd, and then Koa steps in and kisses me senseless.

  KOA: NINE MONTHS LATER…

  I WAKE TO AN EMPTY bed, something that I hate. I can smell Gracie on my sheets and all around me and listen for a sound that might give me a clue as to where she’s at.

  I hear Kai’s deep voice travelling from downstairs and Malia’s giggle at whatever he might be saying. My chest tightens, it always does when I think about my kids. There’s nothing better than going to bed at night knowing that we’re all together, even if it’s not quite all under the one roof.

  A tap runs in the bathroom, and I still expect to hear the sound of the old pipes rattle and hiss, but that doesn’t happen anymore.

  The entire cabin has been renovated, an extension added and the old barn converted into a studio apartment for Kai. It means he gets to come and go as he pleases, Gracie and I get our privacy, and I get to keep my eye on the people I love most in the world.

  I climb out of bed and make my way to our bathroom.

  I lean in the doorway and watch her. Gracie, my life, my love, my wife.

  I move in behind her as she cleans her teeth at the sink and when she straightens, her eyes land on mine through the mirror.

  “You doing okay Essex?”

  “Backache,” she replies. Her hands going to her waist as she arches her back and rolls her shoulders.

  My hands slide around her hips, and I kiss the curve of her neck as it meets her shoulder.

  “That feels nice,” she sighs, tilting her head to the side, granting me better access to her silky smooth skin.

  I grind into her.

&nb
sp; “As much as it turns me on seeing you in my clothes, I think that t-shirt is too heavy, and that’s why your back aches. I’m damn sure it needs to come off and that I should take care of that ache,” I suggest between neck and shoulder kisses.

  “I’ve got nothing on underneath and me getting naked and you taking care of my aches is what caused me to get the backache in the first place.” She narrows her eyes as she speaks, still watching me through the mirror.

  I lift her t-shirt, that is in fact mine, and which I do, very much, love seeing her in, and step back a little so that I can see her bare ass.

  “Lift your arms,” I order. Her narrowed eyes are now wide open and filled with heat as she looks at my reflection.

  She does as she’s told, raises her arms and I lift the t-shirt over her head and off, throwing it over my shoulder to the floor.

  “I never it possible, but you’re even more beautiful with my baby in your belly.”

  Gracie’s head falls back and rests on my shoulder, the rest of her body leans into me as I stroke up and down her arms with the very tips of my fingers. Her eyes flutter then close as her nipples harden.

  She’s due any day, and both her belly and her breasts are large and round, and I can’t keep my fucking eyes or hands off her.

  She’s been insatiable during this entire pregnancy, even calling me at work to tell me she was gonna cheat on me with Vance if I didn’t get my ass home to her soon.

  I obliged. I always obliged.

  I’d give this woman anything, especially orgasms.

  I move my hands over her tight belly and then up to cup each of full breasts, stroking my thumb gently over her nipples.

  “How’s that ache?”

  “Backaches gone, but now something else aches.”

  I drag my teeth from her shoulder to her ear and then bite down gently on her lobe. She gives out a deep sigh and grinds her ass back into me.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You want me to take care of that?”

  “Mmm, please.”

  I move my hand to her throat, grip her chin gently and angle her face so that I can reach her mouth. Her tongue is inside mine the instant our mouths meet, and I know without even touching her, that she’ll be wet for me.