Pieces of You

by Kate Benson

  If it means us keeping her a little while longer, she can ask me all she wants.

  When I step inside the lobby, I’m a little surprised to find it empty, but not much. This time of day, the nurses are usually making their rounds, getting the patients situated for supper. Routine and structured care are vital for many patients’ suffering with symptoms like my mom’s and I know it’s certainly helped her.

  I sign in quickly, releasing a low breath as I make the short trek down the hallway that will lead me to her, hoping like hell today’s been a good day. Her memory over the last few months has gradually been declining, but in the last couple of weeks, it seems like her loss has been on an express lane none of us ever chose to take.

  With a silent prayer, I give her door a gentle tap and step inside, smiling when I see her.

  “Hey good lookin’,” I greet her playfully, the nerves in my chest relaxing when she smiles back at me.

  “Hey yourself,” she manages, her voice sounding weak with exhaustion.

  When she first came here, that concerned me, but now, I know it’s normal. Especially with the extra appointments and progression of her symptoms. I make my way inside; my movements grow slow and careful as I greet her nurse with a nod and do my best to stay out of the way while she checks mom’s vitals.

  “I’ll be done here in just a minute,” she promises, and I wave her off, shaking my head.

  “Take your time,” I reply, my eyes roaming over the room and finding a few items not put away, an unusual something that’s become a little more typical for my mom over the last few weeks. When she finishes tending to her, she rises and greets me with a soft, compassionate smile as she heads toward the door. “How’s she been today?”

  “Off and on,” she admits, patting my arm. “Long day. That always tends to make a difference.”

  “Yeah,” I agree, sighing. “Thank you.”

  She lets herself out and I reach for the few odd items on my way toward her bed, giving her another calming smile.

  “How was your day?” I ask, bending to give her a gentle kiss on the cheek. “How are you feeling?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she says low, slowly wringing her hands in her lap. “I think it was alright.”

  “Yeah? Well, I sure hope so,” I reply, taking a seat in the chair beside her, discreetly trying to look her over as I lean forward and rest my elbows against my knees. I take in the small discoloration on her arm as she shifts against the mattress. “What happened to your arm?”

  “Huh?” she asks, her eyes moving to mine.

  “Your arm,” I repeat, nodding toward the small bruise. “What happened?” she glances down, confused and I reach over, gently touching the skin. “Right here.”

  She pulls away, her eyes widening slightly before she swats at my hand, staring back at me.

  “Stop that,” she says quietly, something inside my chest beginning to seize up.

  “What?”

  “I’m a married woman,” she whispers, her voice holding a gentle shake to it. “No one ought to be touching me outside of my husband.”

  I’m about to laugh, certain she’s joking, but when I see her paranoid expression, the way her eyes look me over, untrusting, my chest begins to seize.

  Not yet.

  I’ve been told for weeks, months really, that this moment would come. The doctors, the nurses, hell even Ava did everything they could to prepare me for this, but I guess I never thought it would really happen. Who would? You always think it’ll never happen to you. You always think that this time, it’ll be different. This time, things will be okay because she’s yours.

  But it isn’t okay.

  It never will be.

  Not ever again.

  “How did you get in here?” she continues, pulling me from my heartache.

  “The nurse…” I manage, my voice breaking along with a piece of my soul. “The nurse said I could come in and talk with you.”

  Not yet, Ma.

  Just hold on a little while longer.

  “Oh?” she asks, internally scratching her head, her eyes narrowing slightly in an attempt to recall something… to recall me.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I whisper, forcing the tears back. “I wanted to come and see you.”

  “Oh…” she repeats, her voice trailing off for a moment before her lips quirk up, her features relaxing. “Oh, you must be from the church,” she smiles softly, reaching out to pat my hand. “I’m sorry. My brain just… it isn’t what it used to be.”

  “That’s okay,” I whisper, the shake to my voice not wavering despite how hard I’m trying to hold the river of emotions back. “Sometimes I forget, too.”

  “Yeah,” she nods, releasing a low sigh that takes her soft smile with it.

  Her eyes move back toward the television, granting me a small moment of weakness I didn’t think I’d need when I woke up this morning.

  I’m not ready for this.

  “You know, that nurse is really nice,” she remarks, the low sound of the news in the background an afterthought.

  “Yeah?” I reply, my voice as even as I can make it as I turn to discreetly wipe my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. “You like her?”

  “Yes,” she nods. “What was her name again?”

  “I’m not sure,” I shake my head, sniffing back as quietly as I can. “I’ll find out for you, though.”

  “Would you?” she asks, glancing over at me, her eyes shifting in concern when she sees me. “Are you alright?”

  “Mhmm,” I nod, clearing my throat. “Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, giving her the best smile I can manage as I slowly reach for her hand, grateful when she lets me. “I’m alright, I just…” I thought we’d have more time. “Allergies. Lots of dust outside today.”

  “Yeah,” she nods, studying me a moment longer before she turns away, her eyes settling onto something else.

  I pull myself together as best I can, visiting with her for a little while longer before she begins to yawn, her long day catching up with her.

  “I’m gonna go and let you get some rest,” I say quietly, pulling her eyes to mine. “I’ll come back and see you again tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” she smiles. “Do you know how to get home from here?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I promise, pulling another nod from her. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Good,” she smiles again, reaching for my hand and giving it a gentle pat. “Oh, before you go,” she says, gripping my hand and pulling my tired eyes to hers. “How are your parents doing?” she asks, making my heart stop once more. “I haven’t seen them at church in so long. Have they been doing alright?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I whisper, hating the break in my voice. “They’re good.”

  “I’m glad,” she replies, carefully standing to face me. I take her in, memories of my childhood, her and my father in the kitchen, birthdays, scraped knees… all of it comes crashing back in on me and this time, I don’t have the strength to fight the tears back again. “Oh, honey,” she croons, pulling me close to her chest, holding me tight as she does her best to comfort me. “Please don’t cry.”

  I inhale her scent, hugging her back as tightly as I think she can handle, savoring in her motherly touch as she gently sweeps her palm over my shoulders, the familiar hum in her chest doing little to soothe me for the first time in my life.

  “It’s going to be alright,” she promises, the words I know in this moment couldn’t be further from my truth somehow just enough to stop my internal breakdown. “Let me look at you,” she says, pulling away. Her grey eyes hold mine, the pads of her thumbs gentle as they sweep away my tears. Something in her features shifts and for a moment, I think maybe she’s come back, maybe everything is still okay. “My sweet boy,” she whispers, cradling my jaw with her soft hands. “I don’t know who you are, but I do know that I love you.”

  Her eyes as they hold mine are soft, full of sympathy and regret, same as my broken heart.

  “It’s okay, Ma,” I whisper, m
y words making her eyes begin to tear along with mine. “I love you, too.”

  Ava

  When I hear his diesel engine pulling up to the curb outside, I wait patiently for him to come inside. When twenty minutes pass and he doesn’t, I decide to go to him.

  It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him truly fall apart.

  Through everything else… her diagnosis, her treatment, long nights at home, the first night she left… he’s been so strong through all of it. He’s been so sure she’d be okay, she’d pull through and things would go back to the way they’d been. Tonight, though, I didn’t see any of that. Tonight is the first time through all of this he’s ever been heartbroken enough to make me worry he wouldn’t make his way back to me.

  I climb inside the truck and slide across the seat, trying my best to get close to him as he hugs the steering wheel in front of him, his tears falling as freely as the shattered pieces of our hearts.

  “Come here,” I whisper and slowly, he turns to me, holding me as close as he can, maybe hoping if he squeezes me just right, I’ll be enough to help put him back together. “Baby, it’s okay,” I breathe into his neck, my arms holding him just as close, my own tears coming full force as he shakes his head against my shoulder. “Shh… it’s alright.”

  “She didn’t know me,” he manages, his voice coming out in broken sobs. “Ava, my mother didn’t know me.”

  “Nate,” I sigh, wishing somehow I could hold him closer, turn back the clock and wipe this all away. “I’m so sorry, baby,” I sniff, gently rocking him against my chest as he sobs, his hands gripping my shirt. “I’m so sorry.”

  We sit outside for what feels like hours until finally, he cuts the ignition and pulls me out with him, following me inside. The walk upstairs feels long, both our eyes swollen with sadness as I pull back the sheet on my bed and we rest against the mattress. He stares up at the ceiling, yet his arm extends, silently luring me close to his chest. I nestle in, the quiet sound of Rocky falling into his bed in the corner the only sound outside of our labored breaths.

  “I love you,” he whispers, his voice thick with emotion as he rolls onto his side and kisses my hair, wrapping me up in him.

  “I love you, too,” I promise, my lips brushing over his chest before I glance up at him. “I wish I could fix this,” I admit, my voice low and full of my own sadness. “If I could, I would do it in a minute.”

  “I know you would, baby,” he rasps, pressing his full lips to my forehead. “There’s not anything we can do, though,” he sighs, sniffing back his sadness. “Just promise you’ll be here. Just promise me you’ll help me get through it.”

  “I promise,” I whisper, tracing his lips with my fingertips, gazing back at him on our shared pillow. “I know I can’t fix this broken heart, but I promise to love all the pieces of you along the way.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Ava

  Things weren’t ever the same after that night with Nate and his mother.

  How could they be?

  The days passed us by and eventually, the seasons shifted and so did the calm our quiet little lives had depended on. Each day bled into the next, the only thing that ever changed being the depth of my love for Nate and his for me.

  We had our hard days, but the good ones managed to find us, too. Somewhere within the heartache that came with slowly watching the woman who brought us together slip away, we found comfort in each other. Just as rapidly as the world felt like it was falling apart around us, our hearts wrapped themselves together seamlessly.

  It wasn’t long until I knew all those hard nights alone were leading me to Nate. Something inside his gaze told me deep down, he felt the same way.

  Mary left us on a Sunday, her final breaths slipping from her lips at the same moment the sunlight broke out over the horizon just beyond her window.

  Her voice had long since gone, but as Nate held her hand on that early Sunday morning, she silently spoke to him still, her final moments holding just enough lucidity to tell his heart she knew he was with her.

  The first few months without her were the hardest. I guess they always are when you have to say goodbye to someone who held so much of you.

  Sleepless nights, tear-filled memories and moments of emotional rage consumed us both when they needed to, but we found comfort in each other, held each other together when all we really wanted was to fall apart.

  The easier days with Nate became my heaven, the sound of his laughter slowly returning to me filling my heart with joy unlike any I’d ever known. He’s become my haven, my safe space. Nate Foster, the random stranger who showed up on my father’s doorstep with a cake in the rain has somehow become my home.

  “Are you about ready?” he asks, his deep voice pulling me from my thoughts and pulling my gaze away from the mirror in front of me and directly onto him. “It’s getting close to that time.”

  “Already?” I ask, glancing out the window and finding the sunlight starting to wean as he presses his lips to my temple. “I’m sorry, I drifted off. Yes, I’m ready.”

  “Alright. C’mon, let’s go, baby,” he smiles, bending to kiss my lips before taking my hand in his and leading me downstairs.

  “Are you sure we still have time?” I ask, grabbing my purse and keys along the way.

  “Yeah, we just need to hurry and get in the truck, sugar.”

  “Would you rather we go tomorrow?” I offer, stifling a yawn. “We’re both already tired and…”

  “No, we’re doing it now,” he insists, cutting me off. “You only get one real anniversary a year and we missed the big one already.”

  “Then does it really matter what day we do it on?” I bargain, locking my door and glancing quickly toward the empty house next door, shaking the emotion from my chest. “Just because today’s our anniversary doesn’t mean we aren’t going to love each other tomorrow, Nate,” I reason, following him to the truck. “Besides, it’s not our real anniversary anyway. That was six months ago. This is just the sex one.”

  “Well, I know, but that’s my favorite one,” he teases, ushering me into the cab with a wink. “Put your seatbelt on. We’re going.”

  “Alright, alright!” I put my hands up in mock surrender, pulling a chuckle from his lips as he rounds the front of the truck and climbs inside.

  We make light and pleasant conversation on the way, but for the most part, Nate is quieter than usual. I try to shake the feeling that something is weighing on his mind, but the closer we get to the lake, the more I notice his knee beginning to shift, his fingers tapping the steering wheel nervously.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, making him shake his head as he reaches for my hand.

  “Nothing,” he shrugs, and I narrow my eyes.

  “You’re acting weird.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are,” I argue, biting on my lower lip as I study his features. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “Nothin’ sugar,” he says again, this time a light chuckle leaving his lips. “I just really want to get there before the sun sets.”

  “Okay,” I nod, doing my best to relax against the seat despite his odd behavior.

  We pull up to the lake, to the spot that had become our favorite. He leans up in the seat, his lips curving up into a smile before he glances over at me.

  “We made it, baby,” he grins, the faint shimmer of lights twinkling off in the distance setting something deep inside my soul on fire. “You excited?”

  “Yes,” I beam, reaching across the seat to meet his lips, giving him a quick but deep kiss that leaves us both breathless for a moment. “Turn it on.”

  “Oh, I’m turning something on alright,” he winks, making me giggle. “Don’t you worry about that, baby girl.”

  “Hurry up, dork,” I beam, pushing my door open and stepping out, moving to the front of his truck.

  My eyes take in the gold shimmers dancing over the lake as the sun lowers behind it, the soft breeze blowing through the leaves
of the willow tree we’d marked as our own pulling the fireflies out of hiding once more. Those same familiar notes fill the air and as my eyes flutter shut, I know it won’t be long until he’s out here with me.

  Good, I think. I miss him already.

  The thought barely has time to manifest before I feel his fingers brushing against my palm. He takes my hand in his and lazily spins me in the tall grass, smiling as I watch the fabric on my sundress billow easily in the breeze.

  He pulls me to his chest and holds me there close. His full lips brush against my temple as his deep, Southern voice harmonizes perfectly and it makes my eyes flutter shut once more. It isn’t long until I’m under his spell deep, his strong arms holding me safely, chasing away all the darkness my heart has ever harbored and leaving behind only this moment, leaving behind only us. As the final notes spill out into the night air, the fireflies glowing all around us, his lips brush against my jaw, pulling my eyes open to find him gazing down at me adoringly.

  “I love Patsy,” I whisper, watching his lips quirk up sweetly on either side.

  “I love you.”

  My cheeks heat with his words and I’m about to respond, but before I can, he bends to take my lips, something in his soft kiss making me lightheaded as my limbs grow heavy all at once. His calloused hands move over my arms gently, coming to a slow stop when he reaches my fingertips and takes both my hands in his.

  “Ava, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you,” he admits, making my lips quirk up as my eyes playfully narrow suspiciously.

  “There is, huh?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he nods, his green eyes moving from where our hands are still linked between us, twinkling as they fall on mine.

  I’m sure he’s about to lead me to the truck, but he doesn’t.

  Instead, he holds my eyes silently before swallowing hard and bending onto one knee in front of me.