In Memoriam

by Suzanne Jenkins

Tom sat back at the diner, incredulous that his attempt to make a decision about his life could take the turn it did. Not intending to upset her, his reticence to jump into fatherhood was just his nature. Sandra’s inability to understand him brought the reservations he’d had in the past to the surface again, so it was really her fault. Her relationship with Pam bothered him because it was a reminder of Jack. The fact she’d had an affair with a married man rubbed his Episcopalian beliefs the wrong way.

  It didn’t make any difference. Sandra didn’t want to be with him. It was so obvious he was shocked he hadn’t figured it out sooner. His phone beeped, a text had just come in.

  Don’t forget to get your mother out of the house before I get home. I’m sure once she hears the news, she’ll be more than happy to leave.

  He felt numb. What the hell had just happened?

  ~ ~ ~

  Friday rolled around, and Lisa Chua had her routine down. She’d even ventured out, taking a ride to the beach to see her grandmother. Bernice was home from the hospital after the pacemaker insertion, had more energy, and looked better than she had in years.

  Getting the two kids into their car seats took a little effort, but it was worth it. She spent hours walking on the beach with her mother, letting Megan play in the sand while the grandmothers and their assistant cared for the baby.

  “This reminds me of the old days,” Lisa said.

  Pam laughed out loud. “Which days? Last year? Or when you were a child?”

  “Back when Daddy was alive. I can almost see him. He’d be over there.” She pointed to a spot beyond their property. “Brent would scream, ‘Hike!’ and throw a football to him.”

  Pam remembered just such an incident. Only in her version, Marie jumped on Jack’s back and rode him while he ran on the beach, throwing the ball back to Brent. A shudder ran down her spine. Memories of Marie would spoil even the innocent football games her family had. Lisa noticed Pam’s silence.

  “I’m sorry, Mother. I keep forgetting my walks down memory lane might be painful for you.”

  Pam put her arm around Lisa’s shoulder. “Not at all, dear. I’m glad you have good memories. Any memory with Daddy and Brent together has to be one worth cherishing, for me, too.

  After lunch, loading Lisa’s car with the kids, she headed for home. At Dan’s insistence, she’d interviewed two women to share nanny duties, and one of them would be waiting at the house. Although Lisa hadn’t figured it out yet, Dan wanted Lisa free to care for his son. “The nanny can take care of Ed’s spawn,” his sister Catherine had said. It was a private joke among Dan’s siblings. Two children couldn’t look less alike: the frail, pale little girl and the robust baby boy with the black, spikey hair. “My brother is never going to love another man’s kid.”

  But they were wrong; Dan was already very fond of Megan, buying her toys and expensive clothes, making sure she was well taken care of.

  “Make sure she eats,” he’d instructed the nanny. “She’s too skinny.” He picked her up and hugged her. “You eat today, okay, sweetie pie?”

  Megan nodded her head. “Dada,” she said, smiling.

  Dan’s heart missed a beat. He hugged her again, kissing her cheek.

  Later, lying in bed with Cara Ellison, he talked about Megan. “I never thought I’d like her as much as I do. She’s such an easy kid to be around.”

  “When I was at your house, I noticed she seemed a little lackluster,” Cara said gently. “Is she healthy?”

  Dan got up on an elbow and looked off into space. “I hope so. Maybe I better have her checked out.”

  Cara got out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

  “Where’re you going?”

  “There’s nothing that turns me on more than talking about your kids when we’re in bed together,” she said. Closing the bathroom door, a plan was slowly formulating. She lifted her leg slightly and popped out her diaphragm.

  “Put more jelly up there,” he shouted from the bed. “I’ll make it up to you for the baby talk.”

  Instead of spermicidal jelly, she dug through the paraphernalia in her bathroom drawer and pulled out a safety pin. Just a poke or two, she thought. Allow fate a chance to take its course. If she was meant to get pregnant, she would. Her doctor had warned her to consider harvesting her eggs if she wanted children; she was at the precipice of perimenopause. As she put her diaphragm back into place, a little prayer floated through her mind. Please, let his sperm meet my egg. It was about mid-cycle for her; the perfect time. She’d never had unprotected sex with Dan, or anyone else for that matter. At least the pregnancy protection kind.

  Taking one last glance in the mirror, momentary guilt for betraying Lisa replaced her devious expression with one of regret. After her visit to Lisa, she’d promised herself she wouldn’t sleep with Dan again, but he’d come over the next day, madder than hell, demanding to know what she was up to going to his house, and they ended up in bed again. He’d come over every morning that week for sex, leaving for work after they had coffee. Fluffing her hair, she smiled at her reflection in the mirror. She was going to seduce him one more time before the weekend, making sure he had little or nothing to give his wife.

  Standing up tall, walking out with her best Miss America bearing, she got his attention. “Are you ready for me?” she purred. Perfectly posed, she sat on the edge of the bed with her stomach pulled in, chest out, and it was too much for Dan; he grabbed her, forgetting all about Megan and his family back in Smithtown.

  ~ ~ ~

  Pam’s daily routine hadn’t changed. She was up early, doing her favorite puttering around, enjoying the house. Bernice and Nelda lived in what Pam still called the children’s wing, although it was completely transformed into a heavenly place for two women to live out their last years in splendor. Marie’s old room was Annabelle’s, Bernice was in Brent’s, and Nelda in Lisa’s room. The bathroom retrofitted with the newest in geriatric fixtures, they’d be able to stay home no matter what their physical condition. Even the bathtub was accessible by wheelchair if need be.

  Sitting on the windowsill in the den, Pam looked out over the sand. Every day, more beachgoers arrived. Soon, after Memorial Day, colorful beach umbrellas would festoon the sand in front of her house. Relieved that there would be no Memorial Day picnic, she was almost certain she’d never have one again. In the first place, there was no one to invite! All the people Jack used to know had slowly drifted off the radar screen. For the first few years, old friends of Jack called daily. Men he golfed with, business associates, even his lovers got in touch with her. Friends of Brent and Lisa would add fun and life to the guest list, but Brent’s friends had also ceased to get in touch, and Lisa had successfully alienated many of her old friends when she married Ed.

  Even Pam’s sisters were no longer coming to the beach; after the last picnic, they were so rude to Nelda a family fight led to a falling-out. When Brent was murdered, Pam felt like they were doing her a favor coming to attend the funeral. It was the last association she had, not even sure they knew Lisa had another baby. It was lonely there; the beach unable to offer the same comfort it had in the past since Brent died. A little bit o’ self-pity was trying to creep in when the phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number at first, with a 215 exchange.

  “It’s Jason, Pam.” Her heart did a little leap. “I’m headed to Jeff’s and wanted to make sure I’d see you.”

  “Of course!” she answered, surprisingly excited. “I’ll be here. Do you want to have dinner together?”

  “Thank you, yes, I do. If traffic isn’t too horrid yet, I should be there in three hours.”

  Forgetting he was coming from Philadelphia and not Manhattan, Pam shivered. This is not Jack. Don’t expect Jack. Don’t compare him to Jack.

  “I haven’t cooked a decent meal in weeks. What would you like?”

  “Something on the grill would be great,” he answered.

  Pam was relieved. Grilling was easy. They said good-bye as Pam gathered her purse and k
eys to run to the store. Food shopping, at one time the highlight of her day, was drudgery without someone appreciative for which to cook. Now that Nelda did most of the cooking, she also did most of the grocery shopping with Annabelle.

  Pulling out of the garage, Pam was surprised at how happy she felt. Every evening and sometimes during the day, she’d talked to Jason on the phone, one night for over two hours. They’d covered every topic, keeping things light, but sharing some pain. She knew, for instance, that Jason’s son Aaron, the drug addict, left Pennsylvania after Emily died when she was no longer available to enable him, and Jason refused to take her place.

  “My heart was broken at first; I felt like I’d driven my son away. Once he was gone, though, and peace came over my house, I was so sorry Em was gone. I don’t blame Aaron for her death, but he certainly added to her stress.

  “The stories came out after he left. Evidently, my wife hid the worst from me. She’d been giving him money, too. I would never have allowed it. My other children couldn’t wait to regale me with the events of the past years she’d protected me from knowing. So I was pissed off at Emily, which didn’t help the grieving process.”

  Pam didn’t divulge her own discoveries after Jack died, but she thought a few hidden secrets in a marriage were inevitable. She felt sorry for Emily. It was a mother’s prerogative to support and protect her child. Thinking about Brent and the things she’d heard about him, she still expected the best from him. Emily probably always hoped Aaron would get well.

  Traffic wasn’t bad, so Pam decided to drive further to the edge of town to shop at what used to be her most favorite organic grocery store when she cooked every day. She’d dated Dave, the owner of Organic Bonanza for a brief year, but it was a friendship more than a romance. Although she’d avoided going in to shop for a while after they broke up, they’d remained friends. Recently remarried, Pam liked his wife, Jeannie, and they talked on the phone weekly and met for coffee occasionally. The shopping carts were inside the store, and she grabbed one and started making the rounds. The fresh vegetables were near the entrance. Choosing salad greens, she was oblivious to what was going on around her.

  “Hello there, stranger!”

  She looked up, and Jeannie was standing next to her, smiling, getting ready to grab Pam for a hug.

  “I’m shocked to see you! You must be having company tonight.”

  “I am,” Pam said, laughing. “Is it that obvious?”

  They caught up for a few moments when Jeannie grabbed Pam’s arm again.

  “Don’t look now, but your son-in-law just came in, and he’s not alone.” Jeannie knew all about Dan, since Pam broke up with Dave to date him.

  Looking out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dan looking over a table of avocados with a very tall blond woman who was resting her hand on Dan’s shoulder. In seconds, the scenario zipped through Pam’s head. If Dan was seeing another woman a week after his wife gave birth, Pam wasn’t going to be the one to tell Lisa. Lisa would never believe her. The best thing to do was observe them and then, before they left the store, say hello to make sure he knew she saw them.

  The couple chose items for a salad and moved on. Pam whispered her plan to Jeannie and pushed the cart, following close behind. The open demonstration of affection never happened besides the occasional pat of the hand by the woman. Finally, Pam had enough. Approaching Dan, she cleared her throat.

  Dan looked up from a jar of salad dressing the woman was holding, and Pam swore she could see the color leaving his face. Not reacting right away, the wheels of justice were turning. He took a small, sliding step away from his companion, so obvious Pam snickered.

  “Shopping for Lisa’s dinner?” Pam remarked.

  “As a matter of fact,” Dan stammered. It would be the reason for shopping, now. “This is my friend, Cara.”

  Pam held her hand out, but Cara didn’t take it, her expression unreadable.

  “Lisa’s mother,” Pam said. An uncomfortable silence followed. “Well, enjoy your shopping trip.” She pulled her cart away, moving along the aisle to the meat department, but her joyful shopping excursion was over. Feeling sick, she looked around for Jeannie again but didn’t see her.

  The impulse to call Jason and cancel was strong, but Pam decided the best thing for her to do was just get the stuff for dinner and follow through with the plans. Focusing on shopping helped her; she didn’t seek out Dan again and fortunately didn’t run into him.

  It wasn’t until she was loading her car with groceries that she remembered Dan had dated Cara Ellison, Miss New York 1998. “Are you kidding me?” If the opportunity presented itself, she would tell Lisa what had happened, providing facts only, using the excuse that she and Dan spoke to each other cordially. It was a first.

  Calming down after the confrontation, Pam began to look forward to seeing Jason again. Hopefully, dinner would go well.

  ~ ~ ~

  After running into Pam, Dan had one goal and that was to get out of the store. He could tell Cara was pissed off. Going in public was risky, and he’d hesitated when Cara arrived at his office suggesting they pick up lunch and eat it in the park, a safer option than going to a restaurant.

  Getting to his car, he unlocked the door for her and held it open. Starting the air conditioner, he didn’t drive off. “I guess I’m screwed,” he said. His simple words unleased a torrent of venomous words.

  “Is that the woman you were dating? I thought I recognized her. You married her daughter?”

  “Cara, what are we doing? I’m not leaving my wife. Is that what you are thinking?”

  “Yes, Dan. Yes, that is exactly what I’m thinking. You need to make a decision now. Are you seeing me because you want to be with me? Or are you using me until your wife’s postpartum checkup? I’m ready to call Lisa and tell her everything.”

  “You won’t have to because I’m willing to bet her mother is on the phone with her right now. I can’t believe how stupid I am. I’ll take you back to your car; then I’m going home, just in case I have damage control to do.”

  “You do that,” Cara said, trying desperately not to start crying.

  Dan would say he’d run into Cara in the parking lot. Pam would have no way of knowing if they came together or not unless she was observing from her own car. He’d stick to his story, no matter what.

  Driving the rest of the way in silence, Dan didn’t speak until he pulled up next to her car. “I guess we should call it quits.”

  Cara looked at him, incredulous. “I already tried that, remember? You’re the one who keeps coming to my door. Stop doing it, and we can call it quits.” She opened the door and slammed it shut, but not before the vision of a holey diaphragm materialized before her. Bending over, she looked into the car window and, giving Dan a huge smile, waved good-bye.

  Chapter 19

  A beautiful sunset behind the house lured Pam and Jason outside. The reflection off the clouds made the sea look like it was on fire. Nothing could top the view of the ocean from Pam’s veranda. The feeling she had of peace and contentment after dinner was so foreign to her after the past year that she was suspicious. Could a genuine relationship be developing after the false starts she had with so many other men? He was mature, sixty-something, accomplished, a retired physician, intelligent, wealthy and handsome. The only negative, his drug-addicted son, but the young man lived out west, so Pam hoped it was a nonissue.

  A potential problem, Jason lived in Philadelphia. What was the point of dating someone who didn’t live locally? She wasn’t leaving Long Island.

  He raved about how fabulous Philadelphia was. “It’s a manageable city,” he explained. “You can easily drive from the very top of it to the southern tip in less than an hour. We have a world-class art museum, the finest symphony in the country, and unbelievable restaurants. You should come for a visit someday.”

  “Well, maybe I will,” Pam said. “I rarely leave Babylon anymore, and when I do, I always end up regretting it.”

  �
�I’ll make it worth your while, and you won’t have to drive.”

  “Oh, I don’t mind driving,” Pam said, thinking it might be beneficial if she had a means of escape in case things didn’t go well. “How long will you be at Jeff’s?” If Jason was going to be around for a while, she’d get a better idea whether she wanted to spend time with him in a foreign city. Well, not foreign, but it might as well have been. Philadelphia was a million miles away.

  “Now that I’m retired, I can house-sit whenever he’s away.” Jason cackled. “And you know he’s away all the time.”

  When he’d arrived from Philadelphia earlier, Jason came into the house through the beach entrance, whistling when he saw the interior of the veranda. “This place is fabulous.”

  Pam looked around, seeing it again through another’s eyes. It was fabulous. “Thank you. I spend at least five months of the year out here. It wasn’t always enclosed. After my son was murdered, I felt vulnerable with it open to the elements. There used to be a time that I could sleep on that couch with nothing but mosquito netting between the ocean and me. The Lattimore’s hound dogs barked when a gnat came around, so I counted on them to keep me safe. Last summer, the last one died. It was the end of an era.”

  “Do you have pets?” Jason asked.

  “Oh no. I’d be horrible with an animal,” Pam answered, shuddering.

  “You should have a dog out here, with you alone.”

  “Well, I’m not technically alone. My mother and mother-in-law and their attendant are inside. They’re dining back in their wing tonight so we could have some privacy.” She turned to him, batted her eyelashes, and then burst out laughing. What’s gotten into me? “We’d have two eighty-year-old women chaperoning.”

  “No offense, but two old ladies aren’t much protection.” He was serious.

  “This is true,” Pam said. “But if I had a dog, I couldn’t go to Philadelphia with you.”

  “We’d bring it,” Jason said. “And that’s what kennels are for.”