In Memoriam

by Suzanne Jenkins

  “Oh, I could never use a kennel,” Pam said. “I never left my children with a sitter. Not for an hour.”

  “Well, you’re very conscientious,” Jason replied somberly.

  Yes, Pam thought. Maybe if I’d left them with a sitter who beat them, or at least paddled their rears a few times, they wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.

  “It’s finally late enough to drink alcohol,” Pam said, jumping up just as the sinking sun left a final orange glow over the dunes.

  “Let’s bust out a bottle,” Jason said laughing. “Can dinner wait?”

  “Steak on the grill,” Pam replied, reaching into the wine cooler. “We can eat anytime. We’ll have French wine in honor of Jeff.”

  Jason laughed, aware that his brother-in-law was a snob who preferred wines from the Hudson Valley.

  The next hours enabled shared conversation, the wine doing its work as Pam relaxed, telling more stories. The meal was fabulous, up to her best standards set when Jack was alive. After they ate, Pam opened another bottle of wine, a Vouvray from the Loire Valley. Sinatra played softly as salt air blew the curtains and the sound of a foghorn out to sea made its way to Babylon.

  “If we were younger, I’d be grappling you on this very couch,” Jason said softly, leaning into her.

  Pam laughed out loud, pulling away. “Oh no, you wouldn’t! At my age, I need the perfectly set stage, non-smear lipstick, a darkened room, and a promise of confidentiality.”

  “And two aspirin beforehand to take care of that pesky arthritis,” Jason added.

  Pam was laughing so hard, she had difficulty speaking. “I’d plug the heating pad in so it would be ready,” she replied. Then she calmed down. “Oh boy, I’m usually not so forward. We might never see each other again.”

  “I hope that’s not true,” Jason said worriedly. “I really like you. You’re smart, funny, and beautiful. We have a lot in common; we both like to dance, read novels and exercise.”

  “Perfect,” she said, with sarcasm. “A marriage made in heaven.”

  Jason took her hand, but she pulled away from him. “Am I missing something?”

  “My husband liked to do all those things too, and we got along wonderfully. But my marriage was not what I thought it was. I was living a lie.” She didn’t reveal the worst of Jack because it wasn’t necessary, not yet anyway.

  When she spoke of Jack, her words gave his actions renewed life. The last thing she wanted was to reignite the terrible facts. Soon, if they continued to see each other, she’d have to tell Jason about AIDS; it was always there, waiting, ready to ruin everything.

  A combination of memory and wine plunged Pam into despair. “I’ll get more wine,” she said, standing up, wishing he’d be the one to say it was time to call it a night. She could see history repeating itself, the way she always dealt with the past. Push the new man away and let Jack ruin everything again. Turning back, she stood at the end of the couch and looked down at Jason.

  He reached up and took her hand. “Are you okay?”

  Taking a deep breath, Pam thought about what the real issues were. He might not want to go further, and it was a risk she was willing to take.

  “No, and I want to be honest with you about it. I have AIDS. My husband gave it to me, and I didn’t discover it until he was dead. My health is great as long as I take medication. I keep drinking to a minimum, just special occasions like now. Before we get involved, I felt I owed you an explanation. Of course, having to think about it always makes me feel bad. But I’d like to get to know you better.” She waited for him to respond, aware that he’d stopped looking at her and was staring out to sea, at the black water and dark sky with no moon and a few stars.

  Breathing deeply, she started to count. If she made it to ten and he still hadn’t said anything, she’d head to the kitchen. At the count of three, he spoke, pulling her hand so she had to sit next to him with a plop on the couch, making an involuntary laugh escape. He circled her body with his arms and held her tightly. Pam could feel his warm breath on her neck, soft lips kissing her earlobe. His hand rubbed her back in circles. At first, the tension in her body filled her with anxiety.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. “But it doesn’t make any difference to me. We can move on if you want, and you never have to think of it on my behalf again.”

  His words worked magic; she could feel her muscles relaxing. The tension had been helping her keep her emotions in check, however, and as it exited, she felt a tear trying to escape as he continued to rub her back.

  Memories of being a young girl—trying to keep her family afloat while Nelda remained in a drunken stupor, to playing mother to her three sisters—came to her. Meeting dashing Jack Smith and setting an unconscious goal of using him to make her dreams come true, of a life completely different from the life she knew in Brooklyn, seemed to have happened a million years ago.

  Pam thought of Marie when she was a little girl, who’d scream continuously if left at home when Pam went out on a date. Poor Marie, she’d led a horrible life. Not fully realizing it as it happened, Pam slumped against Jason, torturing herself with memories of a life best left unexamined, buried with the dead. Pulling herself together, she gently pulled away from him, sitting up and wiping a tear with her hand.

  “Wow, real attractive. Now is where you are supposed to tell me to get over it.”

  But Jason shook his head. “Get over what? Disappointment? The pain of betrayal? Nope, I don’t think it works that way.”

  She looked at him curiously. “How do you know?”

  “I’ve been there,” he said. “I have my boogeymen, too. I don’t know, but something tells me you are your own worst enemy. I bet if I asked your mother, she’d tell me you were a perfectionist as a child.”

  Pam laughed, nodding her head. “You don’t have to ask her. I was. Still am. That’s the contradiction. How can someone who led the life I led, and has the battle scars to prove it, call herself a perfectionist?”

  “We should go on a camping trip this summer, give you a chance to let your hair down for a couple of days.”

  “Like Outward Bound?” Pam asked, laughing out loud. “I don’t think so. I’m ready for new experiences as long as they include a hair dryer and depilatory products.”

  They sat with their heads back on the couch, silent. The important skeletons were out in the open. He knew she was tormented by her marriage, had AIDS and a big suitcase of emotional baggage. If that wasn’t enough to prompt him to leave, she didn’t know what was. Now they just needed to get to know each other better if he was able to get beyond those four letters: AIDS. The barriers were down.

  “I am so exhausted I don’t think I can keep my head up,” Pam said. “Maybe we better call it a night.”

  “Okay, I get it. Can we have breakfast together tomorrow?”

  “Of course!” Pam said, standing up. “Call me when you wake up.”

  The night was over. Although she’d enjoyed being with Jason, she was ready to be alone. Putting their arms around each other’s waists, she walked with him to the end of the wooden walkway. Someone north had a bonfire on the beach, the wood smoke coming downwind. Looking out over the endless sea, the waves hitting the beach were a familiar sound that had the power to move her.

  “I love living here.” She was barely aware she’d spoken out loud until Jason answered.

  “I bet. I love being here.”

  They looked at each other, and Pam knew she was about to be kissed. So much rested on that first kiss. Would his breath be good after drinking wine all night? Would he slobber on her? Always the practical one, Pam steeled herself to be disappointed. However, it was a surprise, the kiss perfect. Imagining lying next to him in her bed after that kiss, she applied the emotional brakes. Keep your head on, she thought. The thought persisted. It would be good to have sex again after almost a year since she broke up with creepy Dan.

  She missed sex. She missed being important to someone. Time would tell if Jason was t
he one, and she wasn’t getting into bed with him until she was sure. “Jason, I just had an epiphany about us.”

  “Let’s have it,” he replied.

  “I don’t want to sleep with you unless we are able to make a commitment to each other.”

  Hesitating, he wondered if this was the wine talking. “Well, of course,” he answered. “There’d be no other way.”

  “No, I mean a relationship leading to marriage.”

  His arm dropped from her shoulder, and he turned to her. “Really? I mean, I never thought I’d get married again. It’s a privilege people our age have. We can commit to be together for life and not have the paper.”

  She was shaking her head. “No, I don’t think that will work for me. I’m too old to have a casual relationship again. We don’t have to worry about it yet. I just thought I should warn you before your expectations grew.”

  They both chuckled at the reference.

  “What I meant was, I didn’t want you to be disappointed when a month passed and we aren’t having sex.”

  “Ha! Okay, well, that’s something we can work out, I’m sure. I won’t let my expectations grow.”

  “Do people really have conversations like this after a week?” Pam asked, embarrassed that the wine appeared to have taken control of her mouth.

  “If they have hopes for a relationship, they do. I have no idea what I’m talking about, by the way, because I don’t date much. Maybe if I was twenty-five, it would be a deal breaker, but I’m sixty-three. I’ve gone this long, I think a few more months, or years, won’t kill me.”

  “It won’t take years,” she said, laughing. “For now, though, let’s just take one day at a time.”

  He kissed her again, then let go of her hand. “You better get inside and lock up. I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, saluting her and walking off into the darkness.

  ~ ~ ~

  Saturday morning, Pam got up at sunrise and, repeating rituals, reached for her glasses, slid out of bed and went to the window. It was going to be a beautiful day. The sun was just coming up over the horizon with enough wind to move the beach grass. It looked chilly out, too early in the season for much beach activity even on a weekend.

  While she made coffee, she thought of Lisa, remembering having run into Dan and Cara at Organic Bonanza. Was Dan being unfaithful already? It was not a side of him she knew, thinking his dalliance with Lisa had been an isolated incident. Maybe the guy was a reprobate and Pam just didn’t catch on, which wouldn’t have been surprising.

  Pouring a cup of coffee, she grabbed a shawl and went out on the veranda, lighting the fire pit first. The inner battle, trying to decide if she should say something to Lisa, was making her anxious. What good would it do? Specifically, what good would it do Lisa? If Pam only had herself to think of, it would feel great to expose Dan, but she didn’t want to hurt her daughter, either. Decision made…she’d stay quiet.

  Chapter 20

  After a rough night with baby Marcus, Lisa decided she was going to invite Gladys to come over for the weekend. The nanny could care for the baby, and Gladys could take Megan. She wanted to sleep all day. If Dan was going to be around, she would invite him to go out for lunch, because she was so ready for an outing.

  Sometime in the night, he’d left and was sleeping in the den. “There’s no point in both of us being up,” she’d said, exhausted. “Go ahead and go downstairs.”

  He hadn’t argued, taking his pillow with him.

  The baby was sleeping at last. Reaching for the clock, it was just seven, but she was calling Gladys anyway, so if she agreed to come, they’d get an early start. Dan was not going to be pleased, but Lisa didn’t care. Afraid he had an agenda that she wasn’t fully aware of, she decided to pretend everything was okay but do what she wanted.

  “Hello, dear. Is anything wrong?” Gladys asked.

  “No, it’s fine. I figured I’d wake you if I called early, but I wanted to get you before you made plans.”

  Gladys laughed. “Oh lord, yes, you know we have such a heavy social calendar this time of year. However, we’ve been up for hours, and you’re the first invitation so far.”

  “You know what I mean,” Lisa said, giggling. “I was hoping you’d want to come see Megan this weekend. She misses you. The baby is staying up all night, and I’ve about had it. I let Dan talk me into having a nanny, but I don’t feel right about leaving her with a new baby and a toddler.”

  No one spoke for a moment, and Lisa was afraid she was going to say no. “What about Dan? Is he going to be uncomfortable if we come?”

  “No,” Lisa lied. “He won’t even be around. If you come, I’m going to insist he take me to lunch today, and he has something to do on Sunday. Some benefit he has to go to.”

  “Let me ask Ed,” Gladys said hesitatingly.

  Lisa could hear the phone muffle as Gladys pressed it against her thigh. She did it with her cell phone all the time, disconnecting calls. “Okay, I’m back. We’d love to come. Ed’s yelling to tell you we’ll leave in half an hour. Just have to throw some clothes in a suitcase.”

  Relieved, Lisa got back into bed, hoping Dan would take care of Megan when she woke up, at least until the nanny arrived at eight. But she was no sooner nestled in when she heard droning voices. Pulling the covers back, she got up and tiptoed past Megan’s room and down the stairs. Low, masculine laughter came from the den. Thinking Dan might have left the television on, she crept to the door and put her ear to it. The voice was Dan’s, talking to someone on the phone.

  “You’re crazy,” he whispered, laughing. “Oh, I see. Hmm, don’t tempt me. No, I don’t think so. It’s Saturday. Ah ha, I had better stick around home. Not a word. Well, maybe this time, but we’d better not take a chance like that again. Okay, you too. See you tomorrow.”

  Lisa’s heart was banging so hard she felt sick. Her initial impulse was to barge in and start screaming at him, but then she thought better of it. She’d wait and see what excuse he used when he left for the benefit tomorrow. If there even was a benefit. Forming a plan, she knew what she would do when the time came.

  Without knocking, she entered the den just as he was saying good-bye. “Good morning! I thought I heard voices down here. Business so early?”

  He was sitting at the edge of the sleeper sofa in his underwear with his mouth open. “I didn’t hear you come down,” he said, ashen faced. “Ah, yeah, I was just firming up plans for the benefit tomorrow.”

  “Gotcha,” Lisa said, thinking, You sleazy bag of shit. “I’ll make coffee. That baby finally went to sleep. I called Gladys, and she and Ed will be here around noon.” She watched Dan’s expression from the corner of her eye as she folded up the blankets off the couch. “They’ll be sleeping down here, so I better wash these sheets.”

  “Why bother? They’ll just dirty them up again.” Dan knew he shouldn’t voice one negative opinion about Gladys and Ed; Lisa was behaving peculiarly, a little too jocular, flashing him a disgusted look.

  “By the way, you’re taking me to lunch today. That’s why I called Gladys. If I don’t get out of this house and have some adult conversation, I might commit murder.”

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that,” Dan said quickly. “Anything you want.”

  Yeah, I bet you’ll do what I want, she thought. “Great, well, it’s all settled, then. We’ll have coffee, and then I am going to put my feet up until Marcus wakes up again.”

  A key in the back door signaled that the nanny had arrived, and Lisa breathed a sigh of relief. Walking away, she could hear Dan say something but ignoring him seemed to be the appropriate action. Whom was he talking to when I came downstairs? This was when I really need my mother. Pam would know what to do about the Cara problem.

  Dan wrapped a sheet around his body and followed her out to the kitchen. “I asked you to get me a robe,” he said, nervous.

  “I’m sure Daniela has seen men in their underwear.” Lisa poured a cup of coffee. If he wanted one, he could get it hims
elf.

  “What’s wrong, Lisa?”

  She turned to look at him, examining his face, his eyes. He really thinks I’m a dumb ass, she thought. “I’m just tired,” she replied. “I’m not exaggerating when I say Marcus was awake all night.”

  “I’ll get him if he cries. You go relax.”

  She didn’t answer him right away, leaving the kitchen with her coffee, biting her tongue. It would take an act of her will, but she was determined not to reveal what she’d heard.

  Closing the door, she keyed in her mother’s number. Pam was having a second cup of coffee on the veranda.

  “Isn’t it too cold out?”

  “I’ve got the fire pit going,” Pam answered. “It’s really nice.”

  “Oh boy, that sounds so lovely.” Taking a deep breath, Lisa kept going. “Mom, I know I destroyed something between us when I married Dan, but it didn’t keep me from needing you.”

  Pam wondered where Lisa was going with it. “You didn’t destroy anything between us, honey. I’m here for you, no matter what.” This has to have something to do with Cara.

  “I feel like I can’t complain about Dan because I sort of have it coming after betraying you.”

  Pam didn’t want to say touché. She didn’t feel that way about Lisa. “Lisa, first of all, I don’t feel like you betrayed me. Secondly, you know what I went through after Daddy died. You of all people shouldn’t look the other way, no matter what it is. Does that help at all?”

  “Sort of. Can I confide in you?”

  Pam wasn’t sure if she was the right person to hear the intimate garbage of Lisa and Dan’s marriage, especially now that she was witness to whatever he was up to. She decided to allow her daughter to use her as a sounding board, no matter how strange. “Sure,” she answered. “Confide away.”

  “This morning, I caught him talking to someone I am sure is another woman. He lied to me about having to go to some benefit Sunday, and then I heard him say he would see this person tomorrow. So I’m going to follow him.”