The Reason I Jump
Page 7
So there won’t be any Me anymore. Shun’s hopes withered. My existence will be wiped out, forever. Now Shun understood a bit better why Kazuo and his other friends were staying on so long in Heaven. So what do I do? Shun wavered. If I’m not going to be myself anymore, what’s the point of being reborn?
From Heaven, Shun stared down at the blue Earth.
A whole month had passed, but Shun still hadn’t made up his mind. He hadn’t gone back home, not even once. Life in Heaven suited Shun well, and the thought that he would be seeing his parents here someday gave him a degree of comfort. Time will sort out everything, Shun had started to believe.
By and by, a year went by since Shun had died.
On the following Sunday, Shun revisited his old home for the first time in a long time. His mom wasn’t in the house, however. He was wondering whether she had gone out shopping when the phone rang. Shun’s dad came to answer it. “I see,” he said, “I’ll be right over.”
Shun’s dad’s voice was an empty husk. He dashed out of the house and Shun followed, with an ominous feeling.
… They arrived at the hospital. Shun’s dad wore a grim look. Mom’s been hospitalized? Shun entered her room and gasped with surprise. Can this really be my mom?
Lying on the hospital bed was a wrung-out and sickly-pale Mom. She almost looked like a stranger. Shun’s dad, too, looked utterly exhausted.
No way! How can Mom have ended up like this?
Shun himself was too gutted to make a sound. When we all lived together, Mom used to be so cheerful, so bright. This was appalling.
The doctor concluded his examination and spoke. “Based on her current condition,” he said, “I’m afraid there’s no guarantee that she’ll pull through.”
Before the doctor had even finished, Shun rushed up to his mom and shouted, “Mom, you mustn’t die yet! Don’t die! Please, please, please! Just … don’t!” But his voice couldn’t reach where she was. No, this is too much to take. Even if we met in Heaven, this woman here isn’t the same Mom I used to love.
Even though Shun’s mom couldn’t hear his voice, in her delirium she called out his name. “I want to see Shun … Shun … Shun …”
Shun couldn’t bear the pain anymore. It was strangling him, almost. I thought we could both cope with being separated so long as our hearts stayed connected, but you’ve lost your spirit and your will to live, haven’t you, Mom? His heart was being torn down the middle. It’s me who caused this grief, so it’s me who has to help her now. If I don’t do what I can, she’s going to die of a broken heart.
Shun made up his mind.
The future is a thing we build.
He summoned up every ounce of courage, but spoke calmly: “Please, God, I want you to return me to my mother.”
In the air, many-colored orbs appeared, and inside each one was a tiny gold sphere. Then, before Shun’s eyes, one by one, the orbs popped …
Chiming …
Chiming …
Chiming …
Shun thought he recognized the bell-like sound, from a long, long time ago.
In her hospital room, Shun’s mother woke up from her sleep.
Shun’s father was anxious: “How are you feeling?”
But she didn’t make any reply.
“Look, if you’re feeling bad, I’ll fetch the doctor.”
But just as he was about to hurry off, Shun’s mother opened her mouth to speak: “Shun came to see me … in my dream.”
Shun’s father held her hand. “That’s nice, love.”
She went on, with tears in her eyes, “Shun told me, ‘I’m right here, always, so you’re not to cry anymore, okay?’ He looked terribly unhappy, because of, because of the state I’m in. I need to pick myself up, and, and … put all the pieces back together again.”
Shun’s father nodded. “Yes. Shun is always watching over us. Let’s … somehow … begin again. Make a fresh start.”
At the window, the first snow of the year was falling lightly. The snow crystals had formed from Shun’s tears, and were God’s proof that a boy called Shun had once lived in this world.
“Look,” said Shun’s mother. “It’s snowing. It’s beautiful.”
“First snow,” said Shun’s father. “He always did love the snow, didn’t he?”
Five years came and went. As had been promised, in the year after Shun’s decision, a new baby had arrived in Shun’s family. She was a girl, and was named “Nozomi” to signify “Hope.” Nozomi was due to start kindergarten that spring.
“Hang on, Nozomi!” her mom called out. “Wait for me!”
“I’ll run ahead a bit, Mommy,” Nozomi called back as she ran. Mommy walks so slowly. As soon as I get to the supermarket, first thing I’ll do is to buy some chocolate. She ran on without looking where she was going, and bumped into someone. “Oh! I’m very sorry,” said Nozomi.
“Are you okay?” asked a man in a red hat. “Hey, you’re the one who …”
“Do you know me?” asked Nozomi, curiously. “Who are you?”
The man hunkered down on his heels: “Are you back here already? This here old man’s an angel, believe it or not.”
Nozomi thought this was a bit suspect, because angels are supposed to have wings and live in Heaven. “Oh no you’re not.” She stared back at the old man with her big round eyes.
A cheerful laugh escaped him. “Anyway, are you having a content enough life?”
What does “a content life” mean anyway? Nozomi had to think about this. Mommy and Daddy quite often say, “We’re having a pretty content life.” So yes, I must be having a content life too. Nozomi beamed at the old man. “Of course I am.”
Finally, Nozomi’s mom caught up with her daughter, out of breath. “What are you up to now?”
“Talking to him.” Nozomi turned back, but there was nobody there. “Oh. Where did he go?” Nozomi looked around. “There was this funny old man … he said he was an angel.”
“I’ve told you not to talk to strangers,” Nozomi’s mom said, a little sharply.
So that old man was a stranger? Nozomi’s heart went taut with a sort of joy. What’s this I’m feeling now?
“Anyway,” said her mother. “Let’s get on with the shopping, shall we?”
Oh yes, the chocolate. “Mommy, can you buy some chocolate? One bar for me and one for my brother, so that’ll be two bars, please.”
“All right, all right. But you’re going to scoff them both down, I bet.”
“That’s because he says I can have his.”
“Lucky you to have such a nice brother.”
On their way back from the supermarket, Nozomi’s mom was thinking about Shun. One day, in the future, I’ll see Shun again. Until that day, I’ll manage. I’ll manage just fine.
Nozomi started running off again. “Mommy! Let’s go and see the cherry trees that my brother used to love.” The things my brother used to like are the same things that I like. Gazing at the cherry blossoms, Nozomi wondered what sort of a person Shun was.
Afterword
What am I going to be, if my autism can never be cured? When I was little, this question was always a big, big worry. I used to be afraid that as long as I had autism, I’d never be able to live properly as a human being. There were so many things I couldn’t do like other people, and having to apologize day in, day out totally drained me of hope.
I hope that by reading my explanations about autism and its mysteries, you can come to understand that all the obstacles that present themselves don’t come from our selfishness or from ego. If all of you can grasp this truth about us, we are handed a ray of hope. However hard an autistic life is, however sad it can be, so long as there’s hope we can stick at it.
And when the light of hope shines on all this world, then our future will be connected with your future. That’s what I want, above all.
A Note from the Illustrators
The Reason I Jump connected with us on a number of levels, but most overwhelmingly Naoki�
��s relationship with nature was the link for the imagery. Naoki returns to nature again and again in the book. He can see beauty and meaning within nature and abstract this information and relate it back to himself, and always turns to nature for comfort and refers to it as his friend. We use nature in our work to connect with people, to provoke thoughts and memories. We like the idea of showing something you can’t actually see—and asking bigger questions. We use nature-based images as a metaphor for other feelings. For us, this was how we could combine our imagery with Naoki and his powerful story.
The book was extremely moving for us and we found the way Naoki sees the world, despite his difficulties, inspiring.
Kai and Sunny
About the Author
NAOKI HIGASHIDA was born in 1992 and was diagnosed with autism at the age of five. He graduated from high school in 2011 and lives in Kimitsu, Japan. He is an advocate, a motivational speaker, and the author of several books of fiction and nonfiction.
About the Translators
KA YOSHIDA was born in Yamaguchi, Japan, and majored in English poetry at Notre Dame Seishin University.
DAVID MITCHELL is the author of the international bestsellers The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, Black Swan Green, Cloud Atlas, Number9Dream, and Ghostwritten.
KA Yoshida and David Mitchell live in Ireland with their two children.
About the Illustrators
KAI AND SUNNY are a multidisciplinary duo whose work appears in many arenas of art. Their intricate, natural and sometimes sinister style has led them to collaborate with Alexander McQueen and to design the jackets of several of David Mitchell’s books, and has won them numerous accolades, including a 2012 D&AD design award. The artists have exhibited internationally, including at Haunch of Venison London, and have recently been included in the Victoria and Albert Museum print archive collection. The duo are currently exploring natural forms in large-scale monotone prints.