Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Lula Mae snarled and snapped as she circled them. They’d set her on fire. They were there when she was hit by a truck, and now she was going to make them pay. She lunged at them, and Colton stabbed her in the leg with the silver candlestick. It burned all the way down to the bone. Lula Mae jerked back. As long as they had silver she couldn’t get near them, and then an idea came to her.

  She ran over to the zombies eating the priest, and picked one of them up. She flung the undead man right at Bobby’s head like a dart. Bobby screamed and flopped onto the ground. The zombie crashed face first against the alter and lay motionless. His head was caved in from the impact. Lula Mae grabbed another zombie, and flung it at Colton. Colton tucked and rolled along the ground to avoid the flailing undead woman flying at him like a Nolan Ryan fastball.

  Lula Mae kept doing this until she exhausted her supply of zombies, then she threw the priest at Bobby to send him a little farther away. The two men were separated, and now all she had to do was decide which one to attack first. Lula Mae leapt at Colton. The short redhead held his candlestick out and the young werewolf grabbed onto a chandelier at the last second to avoid having the candlestick plunge through her head. She swung wildly before the chandelier broke and she fell crashing into the pews. She rose up and snarled as she realized the two men had run back together to help defend against her.

  Danior’s car rolled past Damien just outside church. He was going to deal with the girl personally. He got out with his driver and they walked towards the entrance.

  “She did not mean to start this. It is my fault. I went off to enjoy myself and left her. I did not think she would go crazy like she did, but I probably should have known she would do something. I am sorry master.” Damien said as he tried to calm the man down. As much as Lula Mae annoyed him, he didn’t want to see her killed. She was just a kid, a really messed up kid, but still just a kid.

  Danior kicked the doors open and glared at the young werewolf. Lula Mae looked back at him, and whimpered. Danior’s driver began changing and ran at Bobby. The skinny man’s clothes ripped and shredded as he changed. Colton flung his candlestick at the changing zombie werewolf that was charging them. It struck the man right between the eyes and proceeded to carve its way through the man. It rattled onto the ground, and a perfectly bisected zombie werewolf lay in halves on the ground. Colton reached back and grabbed another candlestick.

  Danior’s rage sent his body rippling into the change as he locked eyes on the two men. He could kill the girl later. Right now he needed to destroy these two. He started walking into the room as fur tore its way through his skin. He turned his head and spat some of the teeth out of his mouth as their sharper, more deadly replacements started growing out. He reached up and ripped away his clothing as the claws began to puncture their way out of his fingertips.

  Colton and Bobby watched in horror as the man grew taller, more muscular, and furry. There was no way they were going to beat two zombie werewolves. Bobby and Colton backed up against the wall and held out their candlesticks in a desperate attempt to keep Danior and Lula Mae at bay. Then Damien rolled in. “Ah…rue mother father. You two are really fudged now.” He said as fur ripped out through one side of his face.

  “What the fuck are you supposed to be?” Bobby and Colton both said in unison as they stared in confusion at Damien. The young wheelchair bound man had changed, but as always not every part of him changed. The entire left side of his face change, but the right side stayed normal. This feet changed, and his left hand.

  “I am the guy that will be eating you and shipping you out later.” Damien answered.

  “Shipping?” Colton and Bobby said in confusion.

  “Shipping. Shipping. S-H-I-T-T-I-N-G.” Danior answered. The parental lock on his system had him so angry that he was actually twitching a little.

  Bobby and Colton shrugged as they looked at one another, and then they held their candlesticks up defensively again. Bobby and Colton were ready to go down fighting. Meanwhile outside the cathedral zombies were attacking everyone. News agencies were showing the live feeds on all the major networks.

  ***Washington D.C.***

  “Barry honey…why don’t you turn that off and come to bed? It’s been weeks since you and I got to spend some real time together.” Michelle cooed seductively.

  Barry watched the images as zombies and zombie werewolves were slaughtering everyone in New Orleans. “I’m sorry Babe. I got to call the cabinet together to take care of this.” Barry stood up and found his slippers before picking up his cell phone to call his men together. He finally reached the last number.

  “Honey what is it? What’s wrong?” Michelle asked sympathetically.

  “I gotta call Joseph.” Barry groaned.

  “Honey he’s not that bad is he?”

  “We asked him to try and identify better with the younger generations, but we didn’t expect him to embrace it. Did you know he’s convinced that he’s now Vice-black?”

  Michelle started giggling, “You can’t be serious.”

  “Oh…yeah. Not even joking a little.” Barry grumbled. “You know when I ran for office he was considered one of the sharpest minds in government.”

  “And now?”

  “Now I wonder some days if I’m not just leading the lunatics in the asylum.” Barry grumbled as he dialed Joseph’s number.

  “Sup yo!” Joseph answered.

  ***New Orleans***

  Danior, Damien, and Lula Mae spread out and started closing in on Bobby and Colton. “We’ll it can’t get much worse.” Colton said.

  Jimbo walked in fully changed. Drool dripped from his fangs. Bobby turned to his friend, “Really? You had to open your fat ginger mouth?”

  “You can’t blame this on me!” Colton snapped.

  Jimbo leaped at the two men. Bobby and Colton swung their candlesticks. Both candlesticks hit the werewolf in the arms, and cut them both so deeply that it would be a few minutes before they healed enough for him to actually use them again. Jimbo rolled and writhed away as his arms flopped around in all directions. “If you got an idea, now would be good.” Bobby said.

  Danior pushed his will into Lula Mae. She was going to be useful, one last time. He ordered her to get ready to leap at Bobby and Colton. He was going to use her to take the blows from the candlesticks, and then he’d kill them while they were busy with Lula Mae.

  Lula Mae was getting ready to attack the men as she’d been commanded when Jessup and Digger came through the door. “REVENGE!” Jessup screamed.

  “REVENGE!” Digger echoed the man. Jessup and Digger never hesitated. They both leapt onto Danior. Seconds later Jessup went sailing back out through the front door. Digger was changing as he kept gnawing on Danior’s leg.

  Danior kicked the albino armadillo off, and he went bouncing through the pews. Jimbo and Lula Mae leapt onto the armadillo. Lula Mae bit down on Digger’s back and tore away a chunk from the armadillo.

  “Let him go!” Jessup screamed as he ran back through the doorway. He leaped onto Lula Mae and twisted her off Digger. Her spine snapped and she flopped across the floor.

  “Lula Mae.” Damien said as he rolled across the floor to check on the girl.

  “Can you believe that bitch bit me?” Digger was incredulous.

  “Are you okay?” Jessup asked.

  Digger ignored the man’s question as his body knitted back together. “Oh I’m giving her ass the roto-rooter treatment for sure now!”

  “So do we help them?” Colton asked.

  “Fuck no! That’s the one that I told you about. That son of a bitch tried to kill me.” Bobby said as he pointed at Jessup. “I say we let them beat the hell out of each other, and first chance we get we make a break for the doorway.”

  ***Washington D.C***

  “So what are we going to do gentleman?” Barry asked.

  Most of his cabinet sat around waiting for the man to tell them. Nobody wanted to be the one to say send in the troops. They already knew th
ere’d be investigations, and senate hearings. Whoever went on record as being the one to suggest killing Americans, even undead Americans was going to be roasted by the republicans in congress. The news was going to have a field day with it.

  Joseph leaned back in his chair, “Whizzle wizzle nizzle to do is sizzle in thizzle troops, but hizzle a bizzle plizzle Somizzle in cizzle thizzle doizzle work. Also wizzle nizzle a covizzle story. I'm thizzle wizzle should blizzle it on tizzle prizzle to drizzle up lizzle thizzle undizzle to add addizzle fizzle to thizzle locizzle publizzle Wizzle should probizzle eizzle blizzle Cubizzle sizzle it's thizzle only enizzle nizzle closizzle enough to gizzle to us in numbizzle lizzle thizzle or sizzle thizzle rizzle a chizzle agizzle thizzle drovizzle our cizzle mizzle Of coursizzle if wizzle sizzle thizzle wizzle nizzle to fizzle thizzle chizzle rizzle So it's bizzle thizzle wizzle just sizzle thizzle wizzle tizzle and lizzle thizzle chizzle stuff out of it.”

  Barry looked around, “Does anyone know what the fuck he just said? Denis?”

  “Sorry sir…that’s even a little much for me to figure out.” Denis answered.

  “Joseph? I know there’s still an old white guy tucked away in there somewhere.” Barry said as he stood in front of the vice president. “I need the old Joseph to come out and tell me what you just said.”

  “Why you trippin?” Joseph answered, and then he started flashing gang signs at the secretary of defense.

  *Smack*

  Barry’s hand stung from slapping his vice-president. He raised his hand again and slapped the man. “I’m sorry that I have to do this Joseph, but I’m going to have to slap the black off of you.” He kept slapping the vice-president as hard and as fast as he could until his hand throbbed. “Now tell me what the fuck you just said.”

  Joseph stared up at the president with tears in his eyes. His face was already starting to look red and would probably be bruised. Joseph opened his mouth and calmly responded, “What we need to do is send in the troops, but have a backup plan. Something in case this doesn't work. Also we'll need a cover story. I'm thinking we should blame it on terrorists pretending to dress up like the undead to add additional fear to the local public. We should probably either blame Cuba since it's the only enemy nation close enough to get to us in numbers like this, or say they released a chemical agent that drove our citizens mad. Of course if we say that we'll need to fake the chemical reports. So it's better that we just say they were terrorists and leave the chemical stuff out of it.”

  “Thank you Joseph.” Barry said. “I’m sorry I had to do that.”

  “It’s okay. Can I still be vice-black?” Joseph asked.

  “Joseph…seriously?” Barry groaned.

  “Yeah…like I told you. It makes my penis bigger.” Joseph grinned, and a trickle of blood ran down the corner of his mouth.

  “Fine…you can be vice-black…Jesus.” Barry shook his head and then looked at Denis, “Get me the papers to sign. We’re sending in troops. I want airstrikes in fifteen minutes and boots on the ground in thirty.” Barry ordered.

  “Mr. President…how are we going to do that? I mean that’s a pretty quick turnaround.” Denis asked.

  Barry put a reassuring hand on the man’s shoulder, “There are four military bases in Louisiana. Two of them are in New Orleans. I want this situation under control within the hour.”

  “But Sir.” One of the cabinet asked. “There are going to be some heavy casualties. Are we really just going to blame it on terrorists?”

  “Why not? If we say it, and we keep saying it, and nobody wavers then we’ll be fine. That being said…nobody better even think about putting this in an e-mail or on their twitter. I’ll have your head if you do.” Barry growled.

  ***New Orleans***

  Lula Mae leapt onto Jessup’s back and tried to hold him long enough for Danior to kill him, but as a fully changed zombie werewolf Jessup was just simply bigger and stronger than the young girl. He strained and both of the girl’s forearms snapped and gave way as he muscled his way out of her grip. He then grabbed her and threw her at Danior. Lula Mae howled as she whirled through the air towards her master. Danior caught her, twisted his body to shift the momentum, and then sent her flying back at Jessup. The girl crashed into Jessup and they both went flying back into one of the columns.

  The column cracked and fell over under the impact. Seconds later Jessup threw Lula Mae off him, and he went careening across the cathedral into another column. It practically exploded from the impact. Meanwhile, Digger was on top of Jimbo and tearing him into confetti. Jimbo was healing almost as fast as Digger could tear him apart. Eventually he grabbed Digger’s tail and yanked the albino zombie werewolf armadillo off him. Digger’s claws dug into his back, and pulled off everything down to the muscle before he found himself dangling by his tail. A sheet of skin from his shoulders to his hips hung down at his waist. Jimbo held the fully changed armadillo up by the tail and commenced to beating on it with his other fist like a punching bag.

  “Bobby, if we don’t pick a side they’re gonna knock this place down all around us.” Colton said.

  “Fine…but which side?” Bobby asked.

  “I say go with the armadillo and the guy over there. Sure they tried to eat you, but there’s only two of them. When this is over we might stand at least a little chance fighting them. We won’t have a chance in hell against those three over there and that wheelchair bound whatever he is.” Colton answered.

  “Alright, but we stay together.” Bobby demanded.

  Colton nodded and the two men made their way towards Jimbo. While he had his back turned they took their candlesticks and clubbed him at both knees. The silver burned cleanly through, and Jimbo fell onto the ends of two bloody stumps. Exposed bone slammed into the floor, and Jimbo toppled face first. Digger hit the ground and rolled to his feet. Immediately he began gnawing Jimbo’s wrist. It came off in two bites, and then Digger turned his attention to Danior. “Revenge!” Digger screamed before running face first into Danior’s ass cheeks.

  Danior howled in pain as the armadillo tried to climb his way up inside the man. Digger was laughing maniacally as his head passed the man’s prostate. Danior only had one chance. He bent over, and dug his claws into his own stomach, and reached in to grab the armadillo. His internal organs spilled out on the floor as he made a desperate attempt to head Digger off before he could really start tearing his way through the man.

  Jessup had Lula Mae pinned down. He was about to rip her head off when Damien tried to hit him with the silver prong. Jessup leapt back, and Damien advanced on him. It was pointless. The wheelchair bound zombie werewolf couldn’t possibly keep up with the movements of the much larger and faster Jessup, but he kept trying to steer his pronged tazer into Jessup. “I am sorry. I do not really want to do this, but I cannot let you hurt Lula Mae. She is as annoying as duck, but she cares about me, and she sees me as a real person. We do not have a choice. Master is making us fight you, but if you can. Please do not kill her. She is the closest thing to a real friend I have ever had.”

  Danior reached Digger’s face, and started trying to gouge out his eyes. Digger in turn started snapping and biting at the man’s fingers. Bobby leaned back and threw his candlestick at Danior. It whirled towards him, and Danior ducked. Unfortunately, when he ducked Digger found traction. He pushed forward and drove Danior to his knees. He braced himself on one hand while shoving his other hand deep into his own gut to fend off the armadillo.

  Jessup howled and feinted right. When Damien turned his chair right, Jessup went left. He got around behind the wheelchair bound zombie werewolf, and grabbed the back of the chair. Jessup pointed it at Danior. The man was completely focused on keeping Digger from advancing any further. Jessup kicked the back of Damien’s wheelchair and it zipped across the cathedral floor right at Damien’s Master’s head.

  The silver prong found the top of Danior’s head and slipped right through. It went down into his neck and didn’t stop until it embedded itself in h
is heart. The silver went through the brain and then imbedded in the heart killing the pack leader immediately. He just hung there limply on the end of Damien’s tazer. The impact knocked Damien out of his chair. He rolled onto Danior’s head, and then flopped down below him. Damien was helpless. He couldn’t move at all as the blood and bits of brain and heart drained out from Danior’s wound.

  “Revenge!” Digger screamed as he pulled himself back out of the dead werewolf’s butthole. He shook himself sending blood and shit everywhere. “Who’s next?”

  Lula Mae picked herself up and ran to Damien. Without Danior to give her orders, she lost interest in fighting. She immediately started changing back to her human form. Parts of werewolf began sloughing off her as she leaned down over the man she loved. “Damien! Speak to me!”

  Damien couldn’t do anything but stare up in frustration as more chunks of brain and heart dislodged themselves and were carried out through the wound in Danior’s skull and into Damien’s mouth. They dripped slowly, but with each chunk of brain and heart that Damien swallowed he felt himself getting…stronger.

  Jimbo saw Colton and Bobby advancing on him, then he looked over and saw Jessup moving in as well, but when he heard Digger’s claws skittering on the floor towards him he knew it was time to retreat. The severely injured but still healing werewolf hobbled out of the cathedral. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Digger chased after the man giving angry grunts and squeals.

  “Colton…I think it might be a good time if you and I sneaked out of here while we have the chance.” Bobby whispered.

  “Already ahead of you.” Colton said as he reached into the pocket of the werewolf that they’d cut in half. He pulled out some keys.

  “How’d you know he even had those?” Bobby asked as they moved quickly for the doorway.

  “I heard a car pull up just before they came in here.” Colton said.

  “Damn you Oompa Loompas have some good hearing.” Bobby chuckled.