It was dusk when they hit Tucson. She loved the beautiful sunset. The purple mountains that surrounded the city looked wondrous against the bright orange background. As they drove in to the city and saw the millions of saguaros and twinkling city lights, it took her breath away. It was truly a spectacular sight.
Again, she found herself wishing Ray were there to share this view with her. She just knew he’d love it as much as she did. Instinctively, she knew Ray appreciated the beauty the world had to offer and wanted someone to share it with…just like she did. She didn’t know what made her believe this, but she did, with all her heart. She sighed to herself and wondered if any of this was ever going to make sense to her. She’d have to think about this later, they had arrived at Blossom’s.
~~~
“Mandy!” Blossom came running out of her house to meet her. She was already laughing as she hugged the kids. “It’s so good to see you! I’m so glad you made the stop. Of course, I would have killed you if you hadn’t!” She gave Amanda a dirty look. “Of course, you’d never do that. I’m your favorite cousin!”
Amanda laughed with her cousin. “Of course you are! You look great cuz!” She stepped back to admire Blossom. Her auburn hair was cut in a short curly bob and it bounced around her head every time she laughed. She looked great in a denim skirt and peasant blouse, and a body any twenty year old would envy. You’d never have guessed she had five kids.
“So do you. You don’t look like you’re on the over-the-forty-hill at all. Are you sure you have the right date on your birth certificate?” They both laughed as they embraced. “Let’s go say hi to the rest of my family. That should kill about an hour.” They strolled arm in arm in to the house, as the kids ran ahead to greet the boys.
Julio and the kids were so much fun to be around. Julio was a great dad and it was really a joy to watch. Blossom and Amanda were in the kitchen making dinner while the rest of the house was in organized chaos.
“I don’t know how you do it, Blossom. So many kids, how do you stay sane? I can barely handle two.” She was leaning against the counter, watching her cousin. Blossom always seemed so relaxed, it really did amaze her.
“Well Mandy, I just look at it this way. This is what God has handed me, so I just make the best of it. I love my boys. They are the joy in my life. No regrets! But enough about the kids, let’s get to the important part, how’s your love life?”
Amanda groaned. “Let’s say we not go there!”
“Let’s say we do,” insisted Blossom. “Come on, spill your guts.” She told her about her date with Cullen and how Leeza had been her matchmaker. Blossom practically was rolling on the floor she was laughing so hard. “I can’t believe you let Leeza rope you into that. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t, I just wanted to get her off my back. You know how persistent she can be.” She was so embarrassed.
“Do you have any other prospects?” Blossom asked.
Her mind wandered to Ray. Should she tell Blossom? She remembered Mariah’s reaction and didn’t want to go through that again. But she and Blossom had always been able to tell each other anything, so she decided to give it a try. “Yes, believe it or not, there just might be. It’s kind of weird, but it’s happened. Are you up for it?”
Blossom did not like where this was going, but didn’t let on. “Of course I am…so tell me.”
Amanda dived in. She told her all about Ray and how they met. She told her of his living situation and his girls. She told her of the connection they had from the start. How intense her feelings were. She told her he had said the ‘L’ word.
Blossom took no time in telling her exactly what she thought. “Are you nuts?” She yelled. “He could be an axe murderer for all you know. He’s MARRIED! You don’t know who he is. He can be lying about everything, including his name. Amanda, you have gone too far! Did you tell Leeza?”
Amanda couldn’t believe she had used the same words as Mariah had, almost verbatim. “Are YOU nuts? Leeza would have had me committed. Blossom, I know this sounds weird; it’s weird even for me. Ray is this nice, gentle, funny, interesting man, who loves me. I know we haven’t met, but I don’t feel like he’s a stranger. We talk for hours at a time, about everything. Good, bad, painful, funny…it’s isn’t like anything you could ever imagine. I know I’m playing with fire. But I’m just chatting with him for now…and occasionally on the phone.” She waited for the next explosion that was sure to follow. Blossom didn’t disappoint her.
“You gave him your phone number?” ranted Blossom. “What the hell, Mandy? Haven’t you ever heard of “reverse search”? You can go online and type in a phone number, and up will come your address. This ‘Ray’, if that IS his real name, could be psycho, Mandy. You just don’t know. Yes, he seems nice now, but you don’t know if he’s being sincere. He could be a con artist. He could be waiting to reel you in then take all your money and kill you. I’ve seen that on 48 Hours Mystery. Don’t you ever watch that? You’re being so naïve, Mandy.”
Amanda was so disappointed. She’d been sure Blossom would be the one to understand. She kept on, “That may be true, Blossom, but haven’t you ever trusted your instincts? I just know he’s not a psycho. I feel he’s being honest and sincere about who and what he is. Could I be wrong? Yes, I could be, but something just tells me I’m not. Plus, it’s not like I am running out to marry him. I’m just talking to him. I’m getting to know him, from a safe distance. What’s the harm in that?”
Blossom looked at her cousin with concern. She rolled her eyes and hugged her, not wanting to spend the little time they had together arguing. “Fine, you win. If you promise not to do anything dumb, I’ll not have you committed. No running off to Maine to meet this guy. No giving him your address. Just slow moving. Okay?”
“I promise, Blossom. I’ll be safe and careful about everything. Now, you have to promise me something.” She reached into the fridge so she wouldn’t have to look at Blossom. “Don’t say anything to the family. Not yet, let me figure it out a little bit more, first.” After Blossom’s reaction, she could only imagine how the rest of the family would respond.
Blossom reluctantly agreed. “Our little, secret, but don’t make me regret it. I don’t want to be in trouble with the family!”
~~~
Dinner was a circus with so many mouths to feed. Blossom had made enough food for an army, and Amanda could see why. It was a little army. Alex was in seventh heaven.
“Mom, how come you never make this much food?” Alex asked with his mouth full of rice.
Amanda laughed. “Damn, Alex, Blossom is going to think I never feed you.” She looked at Blossom, “I do feed him, I swear.”
“Well judging by the way he sprouted since the last time I saw him, I believe you. Alex, you’ll just have to come and stay with me sometime. I’ll feed you like this everyday.” Blossom rubbed his head affectionately. “So tell me about your girlfriends, Alex. I’m sure you have better news for me than your mom did.”
Alex laughed. “I see, Mom told you about Maineman. Elisa and I have think Mom is going through a mid-life crisis. What do you think?”
Blossom looked appreciatively at her little cousin. “I think you’ve hit the nail right on the head, dude.” She looked at Amanda who looked like she’d like to strangle her right about now. She couldn’t help but burst out laughing.
Amanda got up to clear the table. “If you two are done laughing at my expense, could you give me a hand with these dishes?”
Alex and Blossom got up simultaneously and ran out of the kitchen laughing. “You have to catch us first.”
“Very funny.” Amanda threw the dishtowel after them. She started stacking the dishwasher and wondered why everyone reacted the same about Ray. She couldn’t believe how much she missed him. He could make her laugh, or at least, smile. She missed his soothing voice; his great laugh. How he made her feel when he talked about his feelings. She knew this was insane, but regardless, she knew how right it felt.
“We’re going out for ice cream!” All seven of the kids were upon her pulling her out to the car. The moment was over.
~~~
Ray was packing for his trip. His heart wasn’t really in it. It’d been such a long week without Amanda in it. He had thought of picking up the phone at least a dozen times, before he’d remember she wasn’t home. He missed her voice. He checked his email ten times every day hoping to hear from her, but had only received one email earlier in the week.
As happy as he’d been to hear from her, it had proven to be close to disastrous. He hadn’t realized as he was reading Amanda’s email that Carrie was standing behind him, reading over his shoulder. She’d come unglued. She wanted to know who Mandy40 was. She wanted to know how he knew her. Why she was writing him. It was the inquisition! Ray had been at a loss of words. He didn’t want Mandy spilling over into his hell of a life in Maine. She was the good part of his life.
“I’ve heard of married people having Internet affairs, Ray. Is that what you’re doing? Do you stay up all night talking to women? Having CYBER-SEX?” Carrie was screeching at this point. “What do you plan with this woman, Ray? Meeting her? Falling in love with her? Are you planning on ending this marriage over someone you met on the net?” Carrie was crying at this point. She was really upset and up to now, Ray hadn’t been able to get a word in edgewise.
“Carrie. Calm down. This woman is someone I chatted with one night. She told me she was going on vacation. I guess she decided she’d email me from California since she had told me all about her trip. It doesn’t mean anything. Of course I’m not having an affair, Internet or otherwise. It means nothing. It’s just an email, nothing more.” Ray felt awful for having to lie about Amanda. He wished he could just tell Carrie the truth, that yes; he had fallen in love with Mandy40 from Texas. But he didn’t want Carrie to ever believe that this marriage was ending because of Amanda. The marriage had ended long before he met her.
“I don’t believe you Ray. While I’m upstairs sleeping by myself, you’re down here picking up women on your stupid computer. I hate you, Ray!” Carrie had lost all control by this time.
“WHAT?” Ray was yelling now, too. “We haven’t slept in the same bed, much less together, for years Carrie. Don’t try to conveniently forget that. This marriage has been a farce for a long time now. Maybe we should sit down and finally admit it to ourselves and decide what we’re going to do about it.”
Ray relived this scene over and over in his mind. It could have been the ending point of his marriage. Isn’t that what he wanted? Isn’t that what he’d told Amanda? Carrie had backed down at this point of the conversation, and Ray had let her. He wasn’t ready for the ‘final scene’. He felt like such a heel. Maybe he wasn’t as sure of what he wanted as he’d thought. Wouldn’t he have pushed Carrie to admit how horrible their marriage was? Hadn’t this been the best segue to let Carrie know how he felt? It had been the perfect time. Why did he chicken out?
~~~
After a very tearful goodbye in Tucson, Amanda, Elisa and Alexander were on their way home. They’d had a great time with Blossom, Julio and the boys. Amanda wished they had spent more time with them, but unfortunately they had to get back to reality.
Not long after getting home, Amanda turned on the computer to check her email. There was an email from Ray with the subject line that read “Welcome home”. She thought that was so sweet. She opened it, smiling from ear to ear.
Hey Amanda…welcome home. I hope your trip went well. I missed you sooo much. As you know, I’m off to the shore today. I wish our paths had crossed long enough for me to talk to you, but I’ll call you in a day or so. Thanks for the letter you sent me, but the bad news is…Carrie read it. I’ll have to tell you all about it when I call you. Don’t worry though, nothing drastic happened, it was just a very ugly scene.
I’ve thought about our last conversation every day since you left. I meant every word of it, Mandy. Things at my house are so complicated right now, I’m sorry for that. I just want you to know, and believe, you are the bright spot in my life.
I’ll talk to you soon.
Love, Ray
P.S. Yes! I want to exchange pictures. Although I know you must be beautiful, I hope you’re not too put off by what you might see on this end. Here’s a hint: have you seen STAR WARS? (Lol)
Amanda sat and stared at her computer for a very long time. She couldn’t understand how she’d let this get to this point. Everyone could see this but her. No matter how she tried to disguise it, she was interfering in someone’s marriage. She inadvertently had hurt Carrie. She’d been on the losing end of adultery before. She knew how it hurt, how belittling it was.
Is Carrie now wondering who she was? Wondering if Ray is an adulterer? Is she trying to figure out what she’d done wrong? Amanda was beside herself. Even if Ray and Carrie have a loveless marriage, the fact remained…they’re married. She had no right to be involved. She was the salt on an open wound. She was kidding herself thinking she was just a friend to Ray. Although they’d never met, nor had plans to meet, she knew she was the ‘other woman’ in Ray’s mind and heart.
Her heart sank heavily into her chest. She realized that no matter what she felt about Ray, she had to end it. She turned off her computer. She sat in the darkness of her bedroom and felt more alone than she ever had.
Chapter 7
Carrie had decided to take two cars up to the shore. It made sense, she told Ray, after all they have three kids and it would be less hectic.
Ray saw no sense in this at all but figured it would be a more enjoyable trip up if he didn’t have to ride with her. Obviously, Carrie had no inclination to drive together…so typical. He grabbed the suitcases and Glenda and off they went.
They hadn’t really spoken since the email incident. Things were more tense than usual. Ray didn’t mind; he was taking the opportunity to sort things in his own mind. He knew for a fact that he couldn’t stay in this marriage. He was more miserable than ever, and knew he couldn’t spend the rest of his life like this. The reason he couldn’t just come to the decision to leave had become obvious to him; it was because of the girls. Leaving them with their mother seemed cruel. Not because their mother didn’t love them, but Carrie just had a way of always believing the worst in everybody, even them. Carrie’s own unhappiness seemed to be carried over into everyone else in the household.
“Why are you so quiet, Daddy?” Glenda had been watching her father deep in thought. She had noticed the tension level had increased between her parents recently.
“Just thinking about stuff; I’m sorry if it seems like I’m being quiet. Tell me, what’s new with you?” Ray looked at his eldest daughter. She was so different from the other two. They could talk about almost anything and shared a lot of private moments.
“Nothing much, School, friends, food, you know, all the usual teenage stuff.” Glenda laughed and poked her dad in the ribs.
“Hey! I’m driving. You’ll make me swerve and your mom will have a fit!” Ray was laughing, but dead serious.
“Dad, I heard you and Mom fighting last night. Sounds like things are getting worse between you two. I know you don’t talk much anymore, or anything else for that matter.” Glenda was seriously concerned about him. He looked miserable lately. He never smiled. He mostly just hid in his study, out of harms way. She loved him so much and she hated watching him spend his life this way.
“I didn’t realize you noticed, Glenda. Do Norma and Nikki notice?” This was the last thing Ray wanted.
“Everyone does. Norma and I talk about it all the time. We’re always trying to figure out ways to make you happy. We love you Dad, and we want you to be happy. If this means leaving, Dad, then please leave. Don’t stay in a miserable marriage.” Glenda put her arm on her dad’s shoulder. “You haven’t been happy in such a long time. You aren’t fooling anybody.”
“Oh God, Glenda, I can’t leave. How can I leave you girls behind? You all mean the world to me. You’
re the only people that matter in my life. I can’t imagine not being with you.” He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation with one of his daughters. Was it that noticeable? He wondered if he was doing more of a disservice subjecting them to this kind of relationship. He certainly didn’t want them to grow up and think this is what a marriage looked like. Nor did he want them to stay in an unhappy marriage. He wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.
“Dad, we love you too. That’s why I’m telling you this. We hate watching you pretend to go through life.” Glenda was crying now. “You and Mom haven’t gotten along in years. It isn’t a marriage. At my friend’s homes, I watch their parents. They laugh and spend time together. They go out. They share a life. I know there’s something seriously wrong at home. My sisters and I will be fine. It’s not like we’d never see you. But Dad, you deserve to have a normal life.”
“Glenda, do you have any idea of what you’re asking of me? You’re asking me not to live at home anymore; to leave you and your sisters. Nikki would have such a hard time.” Ray couldn’t imagine doing this. He looked at his daughter and imagined the little girl she once was. He couldn’t believe this adult-like person that she’d become.
“We could make Nikki understand. She loves you.” Glenda didn’t want to make her father feel like she didn’t want him around. “Believe me, Dad, if we could have the normal American family home that would be great. But since that’s never going to happen, whether you stay or go, why not consider your own happiness for a moment.”
Ray was speechless. He never in a million years thought the girls talked about this amongst themselves. It must be doing them more harm them good. He was just so used to this lonely existence; he never considered that the girls could see it. I‘m glad we can talk like this. You’re so grown up.” He smiled at his daughter. “I’m not saying this makes anything any easier, but at least I know you girls would understand if it comes to me leaving. Thanks.”
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