~~~
Hilary couldn’t believe Amanda. She actually had feelings for this Ray on the Internet. Hilary felt partially responsible because she’d encouraged her to get online. How could she have known she would fall for someone? In Maine! Who’s married! Hilary didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, she let Amanda know exactly how she felt.
“Mandy, you’re spending too much time alone at home. You’re lonely. If you’re ready for a love life, that’s great. Go out. Date. Don’t fall in love online. Ray is in Maine…hundred of miles away. You don’t know him from a snake in the ground. He could be some horrible, twisted hateful man who has you wrapped around his finger because he’s good at telling you what you want to hear.” Hilary had lost control by now and couldn’t believe she was even having this conversation with her older sister. “Grow up Amanda! Who are you anyway?”
Amanda couldn’t believe her ears. “You are the last person I thought I’d hear this from. You should know that I don’t do anything lightly, and if I have feelings for Ray, then it’s for a legitimate reason. You know that the last thing I want is to make another mistake, and I’m being as careful as I can possibly be. Stop making me out to be some flighty bimbo.”
“Then maybe you should stop acting like one. Leave that guy from Maine alone and get a life!” Hilary was livid. She stood up from the table and gathered her things. “You’re forty years old. Start acting like it for once.” With that, she stormed out leaving her sister alone at the table.
Amanda was appalled at Hilary’s behavior. What was she so afraid of? She just didn’t understand why everybody was so weird about this. Meeting people online was very popular these days. Okay, it wasn’t the norm, but with so many people doing it, it couldn’t be all bad could it? She rationalized it this way. If she went out tonight, met some complete stranger at a bar, gave him her phone number, then went out with him tomorrow, is that any different? Then they’d go out and get to know each other. She seriously felt she was getting to know Ray from the inside out. Maybe this way, it was even better. They had none of the sexual tension that went along with new relationships. She finished her beer and paid the bill. She barely had enough to cover it since Hilary had stiffed her on her half. Hopefully she’d calm down and think this through, and then they could have a civilized conversation about it. She hoped so. It would mean a lot to her to have her sister in her corner.
~~~
Amanda arrived home and heard her phone ringing. Maybe Hilary has come to her senses, she thought. She hurriedly unlocked the door and ran to answer the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi Mandy. How are you?”
She was surprised to hear Ray’s voice. “How’s the beach?”
“Okay, but I’ll be glad when it’s over. We go home tomorrow.” Ray was so glad to be talking to her. Ever since Diego had left, the vacation had gone from bad to worse. It was nice to hear a friendly voice. “So what have you been up to?”
“Not much, working, thinking about things…the usual. I wish I were back at the beach right about now.” Ray certainly didn’t sound as happy as he did at first. “How are things?”
“Things are bad, Mandy. If I weren’t sure before this trip that the marriage was over, I am now. We have nothing. We have less than nothing. It’s over. As soon as I get home, I’m getting a lawyer and weighing out my options. Then the next step will be to move out. I even had this discussion with my eldest daughter, and believe it or not, she’s all for it. I guess it’s harder on my daughters to watch this farce of a marriage than I thought. They see how unhappy I am, and it upsets them. If that doesn’t convince me to move out, Mandy, then I guess nothing will. But at this point, my mind is made up.” Ray waited for her response. He knew things were different between them, and he hoped this news helped. Unfortunately, all he got from the other end of the receiver was silence. “Mandy? Are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here. I was just thinking. It’s ironic. Here I am thinking of breaking things off with you because of your wife, and here you are ending things with her. I’m more confused than ever at this point, Ray, so you’ll have to excuse my silence.” She was exasperated. Things weren’t really going her way at all lately. She had heard the planets were in mercury retrograde, which meant everything that could go wrong did, but this was ridiculous. She’d heard that on the radio that morning, and though she didn’t believe in astrology, it certainly went along with her life at the moment.
“Breaking things off with me? Wait…Mandy…what do you mean?” Ray felt as if someone had suddenly punched him in the stomach. This can’t be happening, he thought. Not now.
“Everyone in my life has such a fit when I tell them about you. Then add to that how I feel about you being married. I’d decided that I was definitely interfering in your marriage, good or bad. I wanted to cool things between us until you were free. I don’t want you to make any decisions based on how you think you feel about me. I am far, far away. I can’t be there to help you, and I can’t be there to comfort you. Maybe we won’t ever get to be together, so before you make any rash decisions about leaving your family, you should take that into consideration.” She held her breath. She just stood there staring at herself in the mirror, waiting for him to decide their fate. In her mind she knew these were the right things to say, but in her heart she felt differently.
Ray was panicking. He was afraid to say the wrong thing here, but didn’t know what the right thing was. He wanted to convince Amanda they were meant to be together. Unfortunately he was never very good at expressing his feelings, or displaying his emotions. All he knew was, he better learn fast.
“Okay, Mandy, listen. First and foremost, I’m not ending my marriage because of you. I’m leaving because of me. I deserve to be happy, remember? If we don’t end up together or even meet, then so be it. If we do, and I think we will, then wonderful. I’ll get to be happy. If I end up alone…I’ll still be happier than I am now. I feel we met for a reason. It just feels right. We have a connection couples don’t usually have even after knowing each other for a long time. I love you. I think you’re my soul mate. That’s the only reason I can come up with for wanting to share my heart with you. You make me want to be better.” He wished he could see her right now. He wanted to see how this made her feel. He wasn’t used to sharing his feelings this way. It was new to him. He wanted to have her just say ‘I love you, too, Ray.’ He didn’t want her to have so many reservations.
“If you’d never met me, Ray, would you still be considering ending your marriage?” She knew this was the most important question she’d ever asked him. This was what she wanted to know. Deep down she felt that the end of Ray and Carrie’s marriage was inevitable, but she just had to be sure. She silently started to cry, afraid of the answer.
“Mandy, please believe me. The answer is yes. I don’t love Carrie any more. Our marriage is dead. I was dead too. I see now I have no life. I want one. Damn it, Mandy, I deserve one! You made me see that. You brought me back to life. Not because I think we have a chance to have a life together, but because I think I have a chance to have a life. To be happy with myself so that just maybe, I can find someone I can be happy with. I know it’s out there. I just want the chance to find it.” Ray was holding the phone so hard his knuckles were white. He was willing her to believe him. He could not fathom losing her before he had the chance to find her.
“You will.” Amanda’s voice was barely a whisper. “You’ll find yourself again, and then, one day, when you least expect it, you will find that special someone. The person you are supposed to be with. Then, miraculously everything will make sense. I want that for you.”
“I want that for you too, Mandy. I know it’s the wrong time for us. But can’t we just be friends, and maybe, the right time will come along? If not, do you have so many friends, you couldn’t use one more?” Ray held his breath. Why did he feel like in her answer lie his destiny? He prayed he had gotten through to her.
“Alright, Ray, I give. We can be friends.
But that’s it. No more love talk or soul mates or anything. Just two people on the Internet, chatting.” She knew she would have just as hard a time as Ray living up to this. But she felt it needed to be done. If and when he left his wife they could think about more, but not until then. “So what do you say, buddy?”
He knew whether he liked it or not, this was going to be the best he could get. It was better than not having her around at all, so reluctantly he agreed. “Ok, you win. From here on out, Internet pals we are. We can still talk on the phone though, right?”
She considered this for a minute. “Ray, if your wife were calling some man and talking to her at all hours, how would you feel? Would it bother you? Would you feel like she was cheating on you?” She knew she was hitting below the belt, but she wanted him to understand where she was coming from. “I know I wouldn’t want my husband talking to some woman he met online”.
Ray had heard enough. “Look, how many times do I have to tell you we don’t have a normal marriage? If I did, then probably no, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I wouldn’t want her talking to men she found online. I would be having a life with her. As it stands, nothing about my life is normal. I’m not looking forward to dismantling eighteen years of marriage…but I’m tired of wasting my life.” Ray was very angry at this point and went on without thinking. “If you don’t understand that, then maybe we should just not talk anymore. I need support right now, not someone overanalyzing every aspect of my screwed up life. I don’t feel guilty about you, I feel reborn. Maybe it’s wrong, but I don’t care. I don’t know how else I can explain my situation to you. Either you believe me or you don’t, but I’m telling you the truth. It’s up to you, Mandy.” Ray knew he had probably gone too far, but there was no turning back at this point.
“Crazy as it sounds, I do believe you. I’m not going to pretend I think its right, but I think you’ve pretty much made up your mind. I’ll try and be a supportive friend. You do what you have to do.” She let out a long sigh. For the hundredth time, she wondered how she got herself in this situation. Like it or not, she already was Ray’s friend and would never desert him when he needed her.
Ray was so relieved. He wanted to shout from the rooftops, or do a little jig. He wanted to get on his knees and thank God. Instead he just answered, “Great.” He then started to apologize for his outburst. “Amanda, I’m sorry…”
“Don’t even go there, Ray. Thank you for being honest with me. Truthfully, I’m glad you can share your feelings with me, although, they’re pretty intense at times.” She laughed hoping to lighten the mood a bit.
“I don’t know how you do it, but you bring that out in me. I’m usually a lot more reserved. After that display, I’m beat. I’m going to call it a night, if that’s okay.” He was exhausted. As much as he hated going back to the cottage, he needed sleep.
“Of course…sleep tight. I’ll talk to you when you get back home.” Amanda was tired, too. This conversation had been way too intense.
“Okay…goodnight Mandy.” Ray had such a hard time hanging up. He hated to be cut off from her.
“Everything’s going to be fine. It always is. Goodnight Ray.”
She hung up the phone, praying that it would be.
Chapter 9
Vacation was over. Everybody and everything fell back into their usual routine. Carrie and Ray went back to not speaking and sleeping in different rooms. The girls had gone back to their usual routines, school, play and pretending everything was fine. Ray had gone back to work, determined to move forward.
He’d started searching for a lawyer who could give him advice on his upcoming proceedings. He had no idea how to go about it. Should he just call and make an appointment? Were there lawyers geared more towards the husbands? Would he need a huge retainer? He knew that he just had to buckle down and start somewhere. He asked around and finally came up with a name. Michael Mahoney. He was reputable and had a very successful practice in Portland. He was very nervous about calling him; it was finally taking that first step. There were so many things to consider, number one being his girls…but he knew the rest of his life had to start somewhere. He had made up his mind and there was no turning back. He paced around his office, picking up the phone, hanging it up. He paced some more. Why is it so hot in here, he wondered? Ray knew this was one of the biggest decisions he was every going to make. There was no other way to start; he picked up the phone and went for it. He dialed the number.
~~~
Amanda was due in court that morning. With any luck, she’d be divorced this afternoon. She hoped so. Then she could get Peter out of her life, and move on. She was very nervous about going by herself. She’d even had a hard time deciding on what to wear. She’d finally picked out black slacks and a simple light blue sweater. She hadn’t seen Peter since the separation. She wanted to look good, if only so that he could see what he had lost. Of course, knowing him as she did, he probably wouldn’t even notice. She didn’t know what she would say to him after all this time. Oddly enough, ‘hi, how ya doing’ seemed highly inappropriate. She sighed audibly…God, was she dreading this!
She had decided to forego an attorney since she couldn’t afford one. She sat on the bench and tried to get everything in order to the best of her ability. She needed a law degree to do this! She hoped everything went alright, and there was no major delay because she hadn’t wanted to spring for an attorney. She had gone for a consult, and he had assured her, since everything, including the house, was in her name, he had nothing to ask for. They’d split the debt, and that would be that. She waited for Peter, anxious to get this over with. She hoped he had all his papers in order.
“Hi”. It was Peter. “I guess it’s the big day.”
Amanda noticed how sad and defeated he looked, but chose to ignore it. “I guess it is. I’m ready to get in line if you are”.
He looked at her sadly, started to say something, but changed his mind. “Let’s go.”
She turned her back on him, willing the line to move quickly.
The court clerk looked over their papers and said they seemed to be in order. Amanda could feel the relief escaping every pore in her body. The clerk gave them a time to appear before the judge. It was in two hours. She was mortified. She was definitely not spending two hours with Peter. She could tell by the look in his eyes he was up to no good.
“Lunch?”
“No thanks. I have some errands to run, so let’s just meet back here later. Don’t be late, please.” Knowing Peter as she did, she had no doubt he’d try to mess with her now.
“I won’t be. Is it too late to say I’m sorry?”
“No. I know you are. So am I. But it is what it is, so let’s just concentrate on moving forward, ok?”
She turned around and walked away. She didn’t want to hear anything else.
She fished out her cell phone. She hardly ever used it to call him, but, didn’t see the harm.
“This is Ray”
“Ray, it’s me. Are you busy?
“I’m never too busy for you! What a nice surprise. Aren’t you working today?”
“No, I had to be in court today.” She knew this would alarm him, but now that he was on the phone, she was at a loss as to how to tell him. Why hadn’t she ever told him before? He was going to be upset, she just knew it. She kept fidgeting in the uncomfortable wooden seat.
“Court? What for? Are you okay? Are you in trouble, Mandy?” Ray felt scared. How would he help her from so far away?
“No, Ray, I’m not in trouble. Not really. My divorce becomes final today.” She felt herself shrinking into the bench.
“Divorce…what divorce?”
Amanda could hear the hurt in Ray’s voice all ready. She was so stupid. “I’m divorcing Peter, remember? It’s been the allotted time, so I get to sign the papers, see the judge, and get him out of my life forever.”
“So you’re there now?” Ray was confused. He felt as though he’d missed something along the way. He thought she was alr
eady divorced. Wasn’t she?
“We’ve seen the court clerk, and I am just waiting to stand before the judge. Peter went to eat, and I opted to call you. I don’t remember telling you about this and wanted you to know.”
“Mandy, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me?” I assumed all this time that you were already divorced. You never told me you were still married. Were you hiding it from me?”
“No Ray, not hiding it. I just put it out of my mind. I almost forgot that today was the final court date. I told you I’d been married and recently separated. I just hadn’t gone through the paperwork of the divorce yet. Does it make a difference?” She knew this was going to happen. She could kick herself!
“I guess not. It’s just weird to have you call me up and say, ‘hey, I’m at court getting a divorce’. Forgive me if I seemed shocked.” He was starting to get irritated. “I’m sorry. I know this is a lot. I just wanted to talk to you. It’s been pretty rough.
“Do you think he’ll try to stop it, Mandy?” Ray asked as if reading her mind. “Will he do something to stop the divorce?”
“I hope not. He said he wouldn’t. I just don’t trust him. That’s why I’m divorcing him.” She really was worried, but she didn’t want him to know how much.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Mandy,” said Ray with more confidence then he felt. “I can only imagine that this process is a difficult one.” Ray felt like an idiot. He wished he were there to help her through this. He hated the thought of her sitting alone in the courthouse. “I wish I were there, Mandy.”
For once, so did she. “I do too.”
Ray was shocked. This was so unlike her! She must be really stressed. He decided to lighten the mood a bit. “So, little Miss Innocent, you’ve been a married woman all this time! You’ve given me nothing but flack about being married and here you sit…a married woman. At least I was upfront about it! Shame on you!” Ray laughed out loud.
When You Least Expect It Page 7