This is Living (Living #1.5)

by Melody Dawn

  I notice Tanya glancing over at me from time-to-time. She makes her way towards me and I prepare for the coming inquisition. She’s about ten years older than me and has been here since I started my residency as well as when I worked here during college as an ER tech. We clicked right when we met and she’s been a solid friend ever since.

  “So, what did you do, Dr. Dickweed?”

  Glaring at her, I ask, “What makes you think it was me?”

  “Uh, because you are a man. And because I know your wife. ”

  I don’t want to get into what happened even with Tanya, shit like that is personal, and I’m not sharing that my wife thinks I might be screwing the new nurse or anyone else on the hospital staff. How in the hell could she think that…after everything…it doesn’t make sense.

  “Give it up Jayson, just apologize and swear you will never do it again.”

  I think back to the conversation with my mother and now this one with Tanya. Why is everyone assuming I’m the problem? Because you acted like a dick.

  Obviously, I know I overreacted, but I was so pissed that she might think I would look at another woman, much less cheat on her. I know I should have called both times that I didn’t come home, but I didn’t do it on purpose. I never thought this would be the outcome for falling asleep and having to cover another shift. How am I going to make up for being such an ass?

  I don’t answer her because I’m not sure what I can say. I rub my temples again trying to massage away the ache from the marching band that has taken up residence in my brain.

  Tanya sees the grimace on my face and asks, “Are you ok?”

  I shake my head yes and say, “It’s just a headache. I’m exhausted. And I need to get home and apologize.”

  Tanya smiles at me like she won a prize. “See, I knew I was right.” She is entirely too happy at the thought of me screwing up.

  At that moment, God suddenly smiles on me because I see my replacement coming through the door. I want to rush out, but now I have to give report on all of my patients to the new guy. I look over at Tanya and she already has the patient files pulled up on the ER computer. We have a system between us that will insure I get out of here quickly. Or I will if there are no fatalities, major accidents…basically anything that will require a second pair of hands.

  I watch Dr. Sam Ellis, also known as the Don Juan of the ER, stop and talk to the new nurse. She’s almost pressed up against him. Yeah, they’re fucking each other.

  I look over at Tanya and she asks, “Are you just now noticing? By the way, you’re next on her list.”

  “What? How do you know that?” She must be imagining things.

  She shrugs and says, “I heard her on the phone with someone. She mentioned your name and said she couldn’t wait to get some of that.” I see the disgust on Tanya’s face as she rolls her eyes and uses air quotes on the last part of her sentence.

  “A little warning would have been nice,” I tell her in a rude tone.

  She isn’t impressed and answers, “Surely you can tell when a woman is coming on to you.”

  Is this what everyone is freaking out about? Jesus, I must be freaking blind. She’s been nice and ok to work with since she started here, but I didn’t pay much attention besides that. Right then, she notices me staring at her and winks at me. What the hell was that?

  I feel a scowl cross my face and Tanya giggles at my discomfort.

  “So, now you know. Better stay away from her. She’s looking for one of y’all to make her Mrs. Dr. and since you’re hot, young, and make good money, you’re on the list.”

  I grin at her and ask, “So, you think I’m hot?”

  “Eh, you’re ok. If you had a sister with your hair and eyes, I might be all up in that.”

  If you haven’t noticed, Tanya is definitely not into me. Just ask her girlfriend, Samantha. But, we still like to joke anyway. I kind of feel like an idiot right now. Whenever Melissa would talk to me, I thought she was just trying to settle into her job by getting to know people. She can keep looking in Ellis’ direction as far as I’m concerned.

  Speaking of, he needs to get the hell away from her and get over here for report. I need to leave before I’m forced to stay again. I think if that happens I might be minus a wife.

  Finally, the douche remembers he’s here to work and I quickly give report and hand over the reins. Then I’m out the door, not even stopping to shower and change, so I can get on the road.

  Shaking my head, I walk to my truck and remember the phone call to my mom. I dial her number and she answers with, “Yes, How may I help you?” Fuck. This is not going to be good.

  After my mom gives me hell about my “potty mouth” which is laughable because she should have been a sailor, and for being an ass to Chloe, I begin the drive to her house. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say because now that I’ve calmed down, I can see what a massive jerk I was.

  If my self-incrimination wasn’t enough, my phone rings and it’s my dad. I know this is not a coincidence. With a huge sigh, I answer, “Hey dad, how’s it going?

  “Good, son…how are you?”

  I laugh and say, “Since you’re calling me during your practice hours, I would say you already know the answer. I’m assuming mom called you.”

  He laughs as well and says, “You could say that. I was barely able to get a word in while she was telling me how awful my son is and how he yelled and cursed at her and my daughter-in-law.”

  I hear the laughter in his voice, but I also hear the steely undertones as well. My dad is not a fan of treating women that way. I’m usually not either, which makes me feel even worse than I did before.

  “I know. I’ve already apologized to mom. I’m on my way to your house; Chloe and the boys are there with her. This isn’t something I want to discuss over the phone. I know I overreacted but I don’t understand how she could think I was cheating on her.”

  Luckily, my dad is good at giving insight into complicated things such as women. I thought after 9 years I had it all figured out, but obviously not.

  “Jayson, you have a very demanding job and it’s easy for that to become the center of your life. If you were single, then I would say there’s nothing wrong with that. But, you’re not; you have a wife and two sons depending on you, not just for financial means, but emotional support.”

  Every word he says strikes shame into my heart. I really screwed up.

  “Don’t let your job get in the way of your marriage. There’s a reason why there is such a huge divorce rate among new doctors. It’s hard for a husband or wife to be left alone all the time and it’s easy for them to start feeling second best. Since you’re coming into the end of your residency, I know you’re working harder than usual; I think Chloe is feeling like she isn’t your number one anymore. You need to fix it and make sure she knows she still holds that place. You have to find a balance between your marriage and your job.”

  I know he’s right about it all. I have let my job overwhelm me and I can see how Chloe would be feeling insecure since we’ve always been so close. I make up my mind that I’m going to fix the problem immediately; I just have to figure out how.

  My thoughts are racing and I realize my dad is still talking. “At the same time, I don’t agree with Chloe springing that on you at work or your mother calling Susan.”

  I laugh to myself when I remember Susan, our hospital administrator, coming down and insisting I call my mother. I was livid at the time, but I’m mostly over it; I know mom was only trying to help. Susan was her college roommate and even though they are not close like the way they once were, they would still do anything for each other, which is why I received a personal message from my boss.

  “I wasn’t thrilled with that either, but you know mom. As far as Chloe, I brought that on myself by not letting her know what was going on.”

  We talk a bit more and as we’re getting ready to hang up, he says “You might be getting a call from your brother.”

  E
ven though he can’t see me, I roll my eyes. Our family grapevine is alive and well. We make plans to get together soon and as we’re hanging up, my phone beeps.

  I hit “send” and say, “Hey.”

  I can already hear my asshat brother laughing. “So, I hear you’re in the doghouse. Finally, it’s you and not me. You’re an idiot, J…what were you thinking?”

  “Whatever, asshole. I doubt you would be happy if your wife accused you of cheating. Not to mention, mom calling your boss to make you call her back.”

  “She called Susan?”

  “Yeah, I rejected her calls after she found out about Chloe and the next thing I know Susan is in the ER insisting that I call mom.”

  “And to make matters worse, this new nurse at the ER, who was apparently rude to both Chloe and mom, and one who I defended, is on the prowl for a doctor. I didn’t know that shit. I thought they were going overboard for nothing.”

  By this time, he is howling with laughter. “You seriously fucked up, J.”

  “Laugh it up, I will remember this when you call me next time on how to get out of hot water with Madison.”

  “I don’t think I will be calling you. I’ve succeeded to the throne of best husband status; you’ve lost your place.”

  “Don’t worry, I will be getting it back. But, you’re right…I fucked up badly. So, king of husbands, what should I do to fix it?”

  “Well, what would work for Madison involves soft rope and being tied up. But since we’re talking about Chloe that might not work. Take her to Cabo or something like that. Let mom keep the boys while you’re gone. You know, reconnect…do that lovey shit y’all like to do.”

  I mentally shut out any thoughts of Madison and rope and consider his Cabo option. I don’t know if I can swing it with my schedule, but I will call in every favor I have to make it happen. Sleepiness suddenly hits me and I remember how tired I am. All I want to do is see my sons and curl up in bed with my wife.

  “Jayson, are you still there,” I hear Connor ask.

  “Yeah, sorry. I’m half asleep. I haven’t slept except for a few hours over the last two days.”

  I hear all humor leave my brother’s voice. “You need to wake up. I’ll stay on the phone with you until you get to mom and dad’s house. You shouldn’t be driving with no sleep. How much longer until your residency is finished?”

  Wearily, I try to think of how much longer until I’m done, but my brain is too fuzzy to come up with an answer.

  “I think a couple of months…”

  “You should have stuck with engineering. No nights or weekends unless I’m on a special project.”

  “That must be why you have so many kids…too much time on your hands.”

  We continue to talk and take shots at each other until I reach the street for our parent’s house.

  “Hey, I’m here. Thanks for staying on the phone with me.”

  “Your welcome, dude. Now get in there and fix everything with your wife. You don’t want mine putting out a hit on you.” Somehow I know he probably isn’t joking.

  “I will. Thanks. See you later.”

  We disconnect and I park in the driveway behind Chloe’s car. I sit there for a moment while my head pounds even more ferociously than before. I’m also aware that my body is aching all over, but that’s probably just from lack of sleep. There’s no way I can be getting sick…with everything I’m exposed to; I have an iron immune system.

  Realizing I’m delaying the inevitable, I lock up my truck and walk towards the back door. The door isn’t locked and as I walk in, I see Chloe and my mother sitting at the table talking. They don’t hear me come in and for a second, I take in my wife’s appearance. She looks beautiful as ever, but I can see the effects of everything that has happened on her face. Way to go, asshole.

  Just as I’m about to announce my arrival, I hear my mom insist that Chloe is pregnant. I think that maybe I might be delusional from lack of sleep until I hear Chloe reply, “Since I’m not telling you before him, I will only say that I may or may not be with a very strong emphasis towards yes.” My mom freaks out and runs around the table to hug her. While they are hugging and mom is celebrating, they both notice I’m standing there.

  Nobody moves or speaks. I blink heavily and it pains me to see that Chloe looks worried or scared that I’m going to freak out about the news. Without another thought, I make my way to my wife and hug her to me as tightly as possible. Whispering in her ear, I tell her how sorry I am for being such an idiot.

  She presses into me as close as she can and says she’s sorry, too. I tighten my arms around her hoping it communicates my feelings, “Don’t be sorry; I’m the one that screwed up.”

  I feel a tremor go through her body and I want to kick myself for putting her through this especially knowing she’s pregnant. Suddenly, it occurs to me what a wonderful wife I have…did I forget that along the way?

  My dad is right. I’ve put my job ahead of her, but that’s going to change. I may not be able to change my hours until my residency is completed, but I can do other things to make sure she knows she and the boys are my world. And hopefully a little girl for me to spoil in the near future as well.

  I whisper, “thank you,” in her ear. I don’t say what I’m thanking her for, but she knows it’s for the new baby. Sitting down at the table, I pull her on to my lap. “How far along are you?”

  She smiles blindingly at me in a way that warms me from the inside out. “I think about 7 weeks. I’m not exactly sure. I had what I thought was a light period last month, but now I think it may have been just some spotting.

  Fear rushes through me and I ask, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

  Nodding her head, she says, “Yes, I’m fine. It was very light; there’s no way it could have been a miscarriage.”

  We sit there holding on to each other as tightly as possible. She’s everything to me; I know I can’t live without her and the thought of her not being there is one I can’t even consider. I feel like I need to reassure her as much as I do myself. I pull her chin up so I can see her gorgeous eyes that have fascinated me from the very first time I looked into them. “No matter what life throws at us, I’m never letting you go.”

  She smiles at me and says, “I wouldn’t let you even if you tried.”

  There’s only one thing left to do. I pull her mouth up to mine and kiss the hell out of her. We start to get lost in each other until I hear both of my sons yell, “Daddy!”

  Both boys try to climb up in my lap even though I’m still holding Chloe and I do what I can to shield her stomach from them. For a moment, I hold my family until the boys have had enough. Soon, they disappear back into the living room with their Nanna as quickly as they came.

  I look over at Chloe and ask, “Are you ready for another one of them?”

  She grins at me and says, “Yes, but if it’s more than one, I’m coming after you.”

  Winking at her, I say, “You could try, princess. If you do, I’ll make it interesting.”

  Without another word, she leans into my chest and I feel the connection that has been with us since the beginning.

  I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that things are getting back to normal. We still have some issues to talk about, but at least there’s no more screaming ugly accusations at each other. Instead, I’m sitting right where I always want to be: my husband’s lap.

  With my face buried in his neck, I smell his familiar scent: CK Free, the antiseptic from the hospital, and something that’s just him…warm, spicy man. I could get lost in that smell.

  Right then, I want him to know how much I love him and that nothing will ever change that. I try to pull away and his body falls with me. I realize then that he has fallen asleep while holding me.

  For the moment, all of today seems insignificant to the fact that he is so exhausted, he has fallen asleep while sitting up and hugging me. I also notice that his skin feels hot to the touch; I wonder if he is sick or at least getting there. He has be
en burning the candle from both ends so to speak.

  Trying not to disturb him, I whisper yell for Ava. Thankfully she hears me somehow over the TV and the twins’ chatter.

  She walks into the kitchen and asks, “What do you need, honey?”

  Not wanting to wake Jayson up, I gestured at his sleeping form partially draped over me.

  Ava grins and says, “Y’all are welcome to stay in his old room tonight. I promised Bren and Brax we would camp out tonight.”

  I gape at Ava because she is the antithesis of roughing it. Seeing my look, she says, “Camping out in the living room…no way am I sleeping outside with all the bugs. I need my Egyptian cotton sheets, my eye mask, and my sleep sounds machine.”

  I giggle at her description especially because I know she is dead serious. Since we are staying here tonight, I can’t wait to sneak down and snaps some shots of her for the boys’ scrapbook. I can see it now…1st Campout with Nanna. I laugh outright at the idea and she narrows her eyes at me, but I put on my most innocent face. I’m pretty sure she’s not falling for it though.

  “Chloe, let’s get him up to bed and you need to take his temperature. He feels pretty warm to me.”

  I start shaking him, “Jayson, you need to wake up; let’s go get in bed so you can rest.”

  Not moving from my shoulder, I hear him mutter, “I don’t want to go to bed yet, I need to fuck you first.”

  My face goes up in flames because of course Ava had to be standing there.

  She holds her stomach while laughing and says, “He gets that from his dad.”

  Shaking my head, I laugh with her, but tell her that I know she had a hand in creating his dirty mouth.

  “Ok, Casanova, you have to wake up. You’re too big for me…”