Lone Star Baby (McCabe Multiples Book 5)

by Cathy Gillen Thacker

  Violet looked at the split screen on the TV monitor, where both prospective couples could be seen on tape, mooning over the baby. Ava was seemingly content with both.

  “What else do you need to set your mind at ease?” Mitzy continued helpfully.

  “I don’t know. A crystal ball?” Violet said finally, only half jesting. “Some way of knowing whether we are making the right decision here. Or which couple we should choose.” Because right now, even though both visits had gone admirably well, all she felt was unbearably sad and confused.

  Gavin was brooding, too. “I think we’d be more comfortable if we had more time to consider this.”

  “I’m sure you would,” the social worker said, her voice taking on a harder edge. She leaned forward, her forearms on the desktop, hands folded. “Unfortunately, the standard of care is not what’s in the best interest for the two of you. It’s what is in the best interest of the child. And that’s to be placed with the couple who is going to raise her so that she can begin to bond with them before she gets any further attached to the two of you.”

  Mitzy paused to let her words sink in. “You can see that, can’t you? That if this current arrangement continues, Ava will decide that you are her mommy and her daddy, and will make her preferences clear. In fact—” Mitzy nodded at Ava, who was clasping Violet’s blouse with both tiny fists “—she may already be doing so. I have to say, she didn’t physically cling to anyone else who held her today.” Mitzy’s observation brought a rush of heat to Violet’s face. Was it possible, she wondered, that Ava had already decided she wanted her for a mommy?

  She turned to Gavin to gauge if he felt the same. As usual, when the subject of Ava’s permanent placement came up, his expression was maddeningly inscrutable.

  “Bottom line, I need a decision from you two,” Mitzy continued.

  His outward cool fading, Gavin frowned. “You really expect us to decide today?”

  The social worker nodded. “If you had to make a decision right this instant, which couple would it be?”

  Silence fell as the pressure to let Ava go mounted.

  Mitzy turned her head. “Violet?”

  She swallowed, wanting to do her duty, but feeling more conflicted than ever. “I don’t know.” Her gut told her that both couples were completely right for Ava, and at the same time, totally wrong, too. Mostly because Ava didn’t know them yet, at least not the way Ava knew her and Gavin.

  “Gavin?” Mitzy prompted.

  “I don’t feel certain about either,” he admitted with a shrug. “So maybe we should look at other couples.”

  Mitzy sighed her exasperation. “You already have. These are the two you selected, and the two who’ve met Ava and, by the way, completely fallen in love with her.”

  “Well, that’s not hard to imagine,” Violet grumbled, looking down at the baby nestled in her arms. Ava’s expression was so completely trusting and content it almost broke her heart. “She is absolutely adorable.”

  “And in need of a permanent set of parents who love her,” Mitzy said firmly. “Now. So go home and think about it, and get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.”

  Gavin gave Mitzy a challenging look. “Or what?”

  She rose to show them out with cool determination. “The department and I will make the decision for you.”

  * * *

  VIOLET WAS USED to making decisions under pressure. And feeling good about them. She did it all the time as an oncologist.

  In either case the stakes were the same. Someone’s life was in the balance.

  So why was she having such a tough time now?

  It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known this was what was going to happen all along. As Mitzy had said, the standard wasn’t what was best for her and Gavin, it was what was in the best interest of the child. Still, something about the social worker’s demand did not sit right with her. And she shared her feelings with Gavin the moment Ava had been put down to sleep.

  “Mitzy is being unfair. We should at least have a few days to consider this.”

  Although Gavin had argued the same, in the social services office, in the short time that had passed, he seemed to have changed his mind. “Mitzy’s right,” he rumbled. “It’s not going to get any easier for us to decide, and they need to know. So we need to deal with this and be done with it.”

  Done with Ava? Relegated to godparent status?

  It was all Violet could do not to burst into tears. “Then you decide!” she retorted furiously. “Because I can’t! Not with any certainty!”

  Gavin’s jaw set. He went into the kitchen and took out the coffee. “You’re the emotionally intuitive one.”

  She lounged against the counter, watching as he filled the brewer with quick, economical motions and then switched it on. “That’s just it, Gavin. As usual, I’m too emotional to be able to think straight.”

  “Then go with your instinct.” Turning toward her, he pinned Violet with a hard stare. “What does your gut say?”

  To keep her. And to share her upbringing with you.

  But if Gavin wasn’t willing...if it was going to be her as a single parent pitted against the possibility of a loving, married couple... Was that fair?

  Violet shook off the dagger edge of guilt. And the fiercer feelings of love that filled her heart whenever she was with the child.

  She looked back at Gavin and said calmly, “Instinct is telling me to wait.” Until you know your own heart, too.

  Because, Violet thought, with a little more time, she was certain Gavin would reach the same conclusion she had come to. That the two of them should be in the running, too.

  After all, Tammy had said in her videotaped will, Violet and Gavin didn’t need to be married to be Ava’s mom and dad. All they had to do was give Ava all the love in their hearts, which was considerable, and work together to raise her.

  The fact that she and Gavin had proved they could live together under one roof, even in very small quarters, and were now friends—and lovers—well, that was an even bigger bonus. Because it portended well for their future as a “family,” even if it wasn’t a traditionally assembled one.

  Unfortunately for all of them, Gavin did not appear to be thinking along the same lines.

  As the smell of fresh-brewed coffee filled the small kitchen, he lounged opposite her, hands braced on the counter on either side of him. “You heard Mitzy. That’s not an option. We have to pick one of them or social services will do it for us.”

  Hurt, confused and most of all scared she was going to make the wrong decision for all three of them, just the way she had once made the wrong decision when it came to her and Sterling’s future, she threw up her hands and spun away. She set the papers, detailing all the information about the families, aside. “I still can’t do it.”

  “Come on, Violet. We have to come to some conclusion.”

  “Then, as I said, if it’s so easy, tough guy, you do it!”

  Abruptly, he moved toward her and took her in his arms. Only this time the feel of his warm, strong body pressed against hers felt like an invasion, not a comfort. He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Why are you so angry at me?”

  Because, Violet thought as a tidal wave of emotion swirled through her, you don’t feel the same way I do. You’re not rushing to say this is all wrong. That you’ve changed your mind. That Ava doesn’t belong with anyone else, she belongs with us.

  Because I can’t understand how you can even consider giving our little baby girl—and I feel like she is our little baby girl in so many ways—over to strangers to raise. Especially after all we have been through.

  And yet I feel incredibly selfish, too.

  Am I acting in the best interest of the child?

  And if I’m not, what does that say about me as a potential mo
ther, that I would put my own heart and well-being ahead of the child I swear that I love?

  Aware he was still waiting for an explanation, Violet sighed. “I am angry with you—with everyone and everything really—because I think that you and Mitzy are pushing me into a situation I don’t want to be in.” The same way I once trapped Sterling into an engagement. “And are trying to make this quandary a lot simpler than it is.”

  He stroked a comforting hand down her spine. “It is simple. Ava needs to be with the people who are going to raise her. We have two excellent options. We just have to pick one.”

  And then walk away.

  The lump of misery in her throat tightened. It was all Violet could do to push the next sentence out.

  She splayed her hands across his chest. “That means we’re back to square one. Which parents do we choose?”

  Gavin shrugged, his confusion mounting as surely as hers. “To be honest, much as I tried, I couldn’t find anything even the tiniest bit disqualifying about either of them.”

  Fresh anger surged. She shoved at his chest. “That’s no help.”

  “I agree. It isn’t.” He released her and moved away. Pausing, he poured two cups of coffee. “So maybe we should do the smart thing,” he suggested finally, pushing the beverage into her hand. “Let Mitzy and the rest of the department decide. They’re not so emotionally entangled. And they have a lot more experience than us in this kind of thing.”

  * * *

  VIOLET LOOKED AT Gavin as if she knew he was right. At least on an intellectual level.

  Drawing on every bit of practicality he possessed, Gavin tried to reassure her they were doing the right thing. “Either couple will give Ava the kind of secure, loving upbringing Tammy would have wanted for her little girl. And since it’s going to be an open adoption, and we are still going to be her godparents, we’ll be able to watch over Ava. You know Mitzy and the rest of the department will do so, too.”

  Everything he said made perfect, rational sense. So why, he wondered, was he suddenly having doubts about what they were doing?

  He’d never been a baby person.

  Never particularly wanted a family of his own.

  But now that he’d been with Violet and Ava, he was beginning to wonder how he’d manage without a wife and kids. And how crazy was that, especially for a guy without a romantic bone in his body?

  Abruptly, Violet seemed to shake off the emotions that had threatened to overwhelm her. “You’re right,” she said quietly, the determination he loved about her resurging even as her slender shoulders slumped. She stirred vanilla-flavored creamer into her coffee and took a tiny sip. “This was our original agreement, after all. That we’d step in only as long as need be and then see Ava off to a loving mom and dad with a solid, mapped-out future. And let’s face it, Gavin, as much as we both care about her, and I know we both do care about her—”

  “Yes,” he interjected, his heart wrenching in his chest, “we do.”

  “We can’t give her all that,” Violet admitted reluctantly.

  Yet, Gavin thought, wondering where that emotion had come from.

  Lifting her chin, Violet gathered steam. “It’s not fair to ask Ava to wait for us to figure everything out, and come up with a way we could make this all work on a long-term basis. If we could even do that, given the fact we’ve just recently hooked up.” She sighed. “Ava has already suffered enough turmoil in her young life. She had a traumatic entry into the world and lost her birth mother in the process. She had to struggle just to survive.”

  “The little darlin’ sure has been through quite an ordeal,” he agreed.

  “So, after everything she’s gone through, she deserves a real home,” Violet went on softly. “Two parents with a stable, loving marriage to serve as a solid family foundation.” She shook her head in regret even as her eyes grew moist. “It would be selfish for us to keep her, given the fact that neither of us can compete with that, much as we might wish to do so.”

  She was finally seeing reason again, Gavin noted. So why wasn’t he more relieved?

  “You want to call Mitzy?” he asked in a rusty-sounding voice.

  Reluctantly, Violet nodded. “Yes, I’ll do it first thing tomorrow.”

  Aware she sounded as if her heart was breaking as much as his was, Gavin swallowed against the rising lump in his throat. He set his coffee aside and reached to take Violet’s hand. “In the meantime, we’ll have one last evening together, at least before I head to the hospital at midnight, to take my shift.” An opportunity for the three of us to say a bittersweet goodbye.

  “Actually, Gavin...” Violet surprised him by ducking his grasp. Pivoting, she collected her handbag and keys. “I have to go to the hospital.”

  Gavin blinked. “Now?”

  Nodding, she took one last gulp of coffee, then headed for the door. “If I’m not going to be caring for Ava, I’ve really got to go back to work. Pronto.”

  Whoa. Wait. He caught up with her at the door. “Where?”

  One hand still on the doorknob, she rose and kissed him lightly on the lips. “Where I belong.” She gazed into his eyes, letting him know with a long, lingering look that although their temporary parenting stint was nearly over, as they had known from the get-go that it would be, their love affair with each other was not. “Where my future is. Here in Laramie. With you.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “I have to be honest with you,” Gavin told Ava a half an hour later when she woke for her feeding. “This isn’t exactly the way I saw the evening unfolding.”

  He laid her gently on the waterproof pad and went about changing her diaper. “I figured the three of us would spend the evening together. Sort of a last hurrah doing all the things you like best. Hanging with the two of us, drinking milk. Maybe even take a buggy ride through the neighborhood for old time’s sake—” he sucked in a breath, feeling an unfamiliar stabbing sensation in his chest “—before we take you to Mitzy tomorrow.”

  But that had not happened.

  And now he and Violet would be tag-teaming Ava’s care this evening.

  Unless she got back to the house well before he had to leave for his shift.

  Ava kicked her legs.

  “Not that I blame Violet for running off to take a time-out and pull herself together. Doing what is right for you is hard on her. Heck, it’s hard on me, too. But that’s the responsibility we were charged with when we became your temporary guardians.”

  Finished, he shifted the little girl into his arms and offered her the bottle he had prepared for her when she had first started to stir.

  Which, coincidentally, had been the moment Violet had exited.

  “And it’s a responsibility we take very seriously.” He paused when Ava started to sip then moved her face away from the nipple.

  “One day, when you’re settled with your new family, you’ll appreciate the sacrifice we’ve made.”

  A sacrifice that was already killing him inside. And they hadn’t even done what was right yet.

  Gavin shifted the baby a little higher in his arms.

  He tried again.

  Ava started to suckle, then stopped. Her tiny face scrunched up. She let out an indignant cry.

  Panicking—had the baby warmer made the formula too hot?—Gavin hastily turned the bottle upside down and sprinkled milk on the inside of his forearm. It was lukewarm—just as when he had tested it.

  So that wasn’t it.

  It had been freshly mixed with bottled water, too. Out of the same big can of powdered formula they had been using the past few days.

  He carried Ava over and poured a little of the water he had used into a glass. Sipped. That was fine, too. Nothing out of the ordinary there. He taste-tested the powdered formula. Bland but okay.

  Reassuring h
imself that it wasn’t him she was rejecting, he took Ava back into the living room and settled in the rocking chair. “Maybe I wasn’t holding you just right. Let’s give this another try.”

  He settled her into the curve of his arm, making sure he had her head higher than her body, her neck nestled comfortably. He offered her the bottle. Ava grabbed it with both hands. This time she was able to take about four greedy sips without a problem.

  He relaxed.

  She drank on. Then abruptly let out a startled cry and arched her back slightly.

  Another loud, indignant wail escaped her lips.

  No problem with her lungs, the physician in him noted.

  In fact, he had never heard her so ticked off, the daddy in him agreed.

  “Do you have air in your tummy, is that it?” Determined to figure out what the problem was, he moved her to his shoulder. “Let’s see if we can get you to burp.”

  Instead, all she did was cry, even more plaintively.

  Gavin stood and began to pace. Calmly, he went down the checklist. Her diaper was fine.

  She wasn’t tucking up her legs, the way she would if she had colic.

  But she was clearly unhappy about something. And definitely looking around at her surroundings.

  For Violet?

  It seemed so, but all the scientific studies said she was too young to have formed an emotional attachment to any one person.

  Which meant it had to be something else.

  “I’m not sure what is bothering you, sweetheart, but I know this. Violet will help me figure out what to do when she gets home in a little while.”

  Ava looked at him and wailed louder.

  It was almost as if she sensed something was up.

  But that was impossible. “You can’t possibly have understood anything Violet and I were talking about today,” he told her gently, still walking her back and forth, and cuddling her close. “So you don’t know you’re going to your forever home tomorrow, either,” he said, his voice catching in his throat. He pushed the raw emotion aside and forced himself to be as strong as their little darlin’ needed him to be right now.