Avoiding the Badge

by Dorothy F. Shaw

  Saying nothing more, she fidgeted, twisting her hands together, looking everywhere but at him, and biting her bottom lip. Derek closed his eyes—it was too hard to watch, to know, to want.

  Unable to stand the silence anymore, he cleared his throat.

  Her eyes darted to his.

  Derek tilted his head to the side. “Ray—”

  “Dere—” Instantly, her cheeks went red, and she looked down. “Sorry, g’head.”

  Sadness covered him in an ice-cold blanket. “No.” He sighed. “Please, you obviously have something to say, so please. Just…just say it.”

  Whatever it was she was there to tell him, he really wished she’d spit it out. The past six weeks he’d longed to see her face, hear her voice, but now he knew it was the last thing he needed.

  To want her so badly and be unable to have her, and now seeing her again? It was pure fucking torture, and she needed to put him out of his misery.

  Unable to look at her anymore, he heard her draw in a deep breath. “I owe you a huge apology, Derek.”

  He flinched but forced himself to look at her once more. With a nod, he rested his head back on the pillow, all his air left his body as he prepped himself for whatever she would say next.

  “I should not have treated you the way I did. You didn’t deserve it.”

  “I lied to you. I should’ve told you about Megan.”

  “Well, technically you didn’t lie.” She shrugged. “But I wish you hadn’t kept such an important part of your life from me.”

  “I wish I hadn’t, either.” Derek swallowed past the lump in his throat. Jesus Christ, this was hell. A special kind of hell made just for him.

  “But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t understand why you did. I do.” She blew out a breath. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate that you thought I wouldn’t understand, or that I wouldn’t want to be with you. That hurts, because...it’s not true.”

  A tear fell from the corner of one of her eyes, and Derek’s heart clenched as if it was locked in a vise.

  She wiped the tear away. “I would understand, I do understand, and I wouldn’t have left you. I don’t want to leave you now.”

  “Wha...?” Derek frowned, and stared at her...hard. As if he could somehow telepathically hit a rewind button to be sure he’d heard her correctly. However, that wasn’t possible, and he needed to know. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  She sniffled, another tear fell, and she wiped it away. “I said, I don’t want to leave you, Derek. I don’t want us to be over. I miss you.” She covered her face and sniffled again. “Shit! I don’t want to cry anymore.”

  Derek’s eyes went wide. “Did you just curse?”

  “Yes!” She laughed through a sob. “I’m so frustrated.” Dropping her arms to her sides, she stomped a foot. “And for Pete’s sake, are you okay? You were shot and Axle was hurt. And this is horrible. And they wouldn’t let me in to see you. Derek, I was so scared!”

  With a shake of his head, Derek opened his arms. “Come here, Doc.”

  Moving like someone lit a fire under her ass, Rayna ran over to the side of the bed and before he had even a moment to take in her sweet tear-streaked face, she was in his arms. Fuck, she felt good. As good as she always had, but more so now because he’d missed her so badly.

  With her face pressed to the uninjured side of his neck, she sobbed, and in between sobs, she spoke. “I miss you. More than I’ve ever missed anyone.” More sobs. “I can’t take waking up without you. I can’t take not seeing you or hearing your voice. Or feeling your arms around me.”

  Derek held her tighter. “You mean like they’re around you now.”

  “Yeah, but they haven’t been.”

  “But they are now.”

  “Right, but they haven’t been.” She sat up. “Why are you...oh.” She rolled her eyes.

  He grinned and cupped her cheek in his palm. Teasing her was all he could think to do, mostly because he still wasn’t sure where this whole conversation was going. He had a feeling where, but he wasn’t sure. Not yet anyway. “God, I miss you.”

  She closed her eyes and pressed her face against his hand, then turned her head and kissed his palm. “I miss you, too.”

  Warm pleasure from the touch of her lips bled from his hand through his veins, warming all the places the sadness had made cold. But still...Derek wasn’t sure what it meant. He needed her to be clear. “So, I hate to ask and ruin the moment, but...is this some sort of emotional goodbye?”

  Her eyes went wide. “What? No! Oh my gosh, do you think I’d come here and cry like a basket case, throw myself into your arms, only to say goodbye?”

  “Not exactly like that, no. I’m just trying to make sure I’m reading you right.” He shrugged.

  “Do I have to get down on my knees and beg?”

  A grin tugged at his lips. “Beg for what exactly?”

  “Ugh! You’re incorrigible, Derek!” She laughed. “You’re lucky you’re hurt. Otherwise I’d be swatting your chest.”

  “Well? My chest isn’t hurt, so give it your best shot.” He grinned. “Answer the question, Ms. Sassy Pants.”

  Rayna smiled, but then her expression turned serious and her gaze roamed over this face. “I’m sorry I overreacted. I’m also sorry for how I reacted when you explained why you’d not told me about your daughter. Being so cold must’ve hurt you. I know it hurt me. And I don’t want either of us to hurt. Not ever again.” Tears filled her eyes again, but she blinked them away. “So, no, it’s not a goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye, Derek. Ever.”

  Sliding his fingers around the back of her neck, he pulled her close, close enough that her lips hovered just a breath away from his. “I don’t want to say goodbye either, Doc.”

  “I love you, Derek. So much it scares me.” Rayna closed the small distance between them and pressed her lips to his.

  Needing more, Derek threaded his fingers into her hair, then gripped the soft strands. With a moan, she tilted her head to the side and opened for him, welcoming his tongue into the warmth of her mouth, as she always did.

  He kissed her back, desperate to show her with his kiss how much he felt for her—how much he wanted her. How much he was in love with her. Overwhelmed, as all of his feelings for her, combined with a lust-fueled need, slammed into his body, Derek broke the kiss and sat up.

  He took her face in both hands and drank in her sweet features, her plump lips. Her beauty. “I love you, too, Doc. Don’t be scared, baby. I’ve got you.”

  “Promise?”

  Derek pressed his forehead to hers. “Affirmative, Doc. Affirmative.”

  Epilogue

  Three months later...

  Rayna sat on the grade school cafeteria benches with Derek to her left, and sitting to her right, phone raised high on record mode, was Stephanie, Derek’s ex-wife, and her husband, Steven. It was the grade school’s holiday concert.

  Six months ago, if someone had come up to Rayna in her vet clinic and told her that this was where she would end up, that she’d be surrounded by kids she adored, an ex-spouse she’d come to be good friends with, and a man who loved her more than she could ever dream up, she’d have told them they were insane. Yet, here she was.

  Hannah, Stephanie and Steven’s daughter, had already sung with her class. The six-year-old was so darn adorable, Rayna wanted to squeeze her. Now it was Megan’s turn to sing with her fifth grade class. They’d already sung “Jingle Bells,” and now they were belting out a fantastic rendition of “Let It Snow.”

  Stephanie was recording on her phone. Derek was grinning, still in uniform with Axle lying quietly beside him on the tiled floor, also in uniform. Geez, that dog was awesome. All calm, cool, and cop-like when he was supposed to be.

  Rayna smiled and looked back up at the stage and focused on Derek’s daughter. Megan was precociou
s and witty and sweet...and so many more amazing things, Rayna couldn’t think of enough words to describe them all. Not to say she didn’t have her moments that Rayna imagined all ten-year-old girls had, but even those were pretty darn cool.

  This was Rayna’s life now. And it was awesome.

  The fifth graders being the last act, one more song and the concert was over. Everyone stood as kids fanned out into the audience of parents and family members.

  Hannah, smiling and missing a front tooth, came over first and headed right to her father. “Daddy! Did you see me?”

  Steve picked up his little girl and spun her around. “Best first grader up there!”

  “You’re going to give that child a big head.” Stephanie laughed then kissed Hannah’s cheek. “Great job, honey.”

  There was a tap on Rayna’s shoulder, and she turned to find Megan there, grin on her face and two friends on either side of her. She nudged one with her elbow. “Told you she was pretty.”

  Rayna smiled, and her face grew warm. Geez, this kid. She was just like her dad with the compliments. “That was sweet, Megan. Thank you.” Rayna looked at both girls. “I’m Rayna. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Megan grinned, and her friends giggled. “Lissa and Courtney, this is Doc Rayna. She’s my dad’s girlfriend.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” the girls said in unison before they ran off.

  “Bye!” Megan shook her head and rolled her eyes and then focused on Rayna. “Were you guys bored? Did it suck?”

  “It most definitely did not suck.” Rayna winked at Megan.

  “You rocked the house, kiddo.” Derek came over and kissed the top of Megan’s head. “Where’d your friends go?”

  Megan shrugged. “Probably to find their parents. Oh, Mommy! Did you get it on video?”

  “I did, yes. Don’t worry, I’ll text it to you and your dad.” Stephanie hugged Megan. “You want a copy, too, Rayna?”

  Rayna’s eyes went wide, and she gave Stephanie a grin. “Oh, definitely! I mean, grade school concerts are the best things to have on my phone when it’s slow at the clinic. My staff loves to watch them.”

  Stephanie busted up laughing. “I bet they do.”

  “Are we going for pizza?” Megan slipped her hand inside Rayna’s palm. “You’re coming with us, right?”

  Derek took Megan’s other hand, bent over, and pressed a kiss to Rayna’s temple.

  “Of course, sweetheart. I wouldn’t miss it. Not for anything.” Rayna smiled. She couldn’t help but smile, so much her cheeks hurt.

  Because, yes, this really was her life. And it was better than awesome because it was filled with love, tons of it.

  More love than Rayna ever could’ve wished for.

  Meet the Author

  Dorothy F. Shaw lives in Arizona where the weather is hot and the sunsets are always beautiful. She spends her days in the corporate world and her nights with her Mac on her lap. Between her ever-open heart, her bright red hair, and her many colorful tattoos, she truly lives and loves in Technicolor! Dorothy welcomes emails at: dorothyfshaw@gmail.com. Or find her online at Facebook.com/AuthorDorothyFShaw and twitter.com/DorothyFShaw Newsletter sign up: http://bit.ly/DFSeNews.

  Acknowledgments

  A big shout out and thank you to the following awesome men in law enforcement for their dedication and service to the community. And their help with info on my book. Officer Matthew Warbington, Sheriff’s officer Andy Tramundanas, and finally my wonderful adopted Dad, retired Connecticut state trooper, Sergeant Robert Gawe.

  Special thanks to Dr. Jaimie Schmidt, an awesome vet and owner of Life Care Animal Hospital, for his medical consultation.

  Sidda Lee Rain…as always, love you dearly, my friend. I hope I always know you.

  And last but not least, to my Facebook, Night Writers group. To those that wrote with me night after night, thank you. You rock!