Lord, Change My Attitude: Before It's Too Late
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Maybe you grew up in a home that was forever picking at the imperfections of others and finding fault with anyone and everyone. Maybe you sat through countless Sunday dinners of “roast preacher.” Maybe you were endlessly criticized yourself and now hear that same attitude in the way you talk to your children. Possibly you struggle in many public settings to simply relax and enjoy what is going on, because all you have known how to do is inspect and examine and form opinions about what you see and experience. If you grew up learning to criticize the speck in others’ eyes while a logjam formed in your own, keep reading. If any of this rings true, you could be in for a breakthrough chapter. We’re looking at “Replacing a Critical Attitude,” so let’s get God’s heart in the matter by opening His Word.
Back to the desert . . . And Wilderness Attitude Three
Open your Bible to Numbers 12. We’ve been going back and forth between the Old Testament and the New Testament, between failure and victory, between wrong attitudes and right ones, between the wilderness and the Promised Land. Here we go again. Numbers 12 records one of the five events that led up to r ow#x2019;s decision to thrust the children of Israel into the wilderness because of their murmuring, a summary term we are using for five wrong attitudes.
Verse 1 begins, “Then Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married.” The words spoke against are translated in the New Living Translation as criticized. No doubt as he faced the heavy burden of leading the Lord’s people, Moses needed leaders he could rely upon to help him shoulder the load. Miriam and Aaron were Moses’ sister and brother, the people closest to Moses and the ones he trusted most. For a while it seemed like everything was going great. Then, all of a sudden, Miriam and Aaron made some choices. They got sideways on the tracks. Very quickly and without warning, the leader they were supporting—their own brother— became a target for their criticism.
A CRITICAL ATTITUDE DEFINED
We made a distinction in chapter 3 when we noted that complaining relates to situations, whereas criticism relates to people. Our negative thinking that relates to people is called criticism. Miriam and Aaron had definitely fallen into it big-time in regard to Moses.
Here’s a definition of destructive criticism, so we will be clear as we discuss this painful subject. Criticism is dwelling upon the perceived faults of another with no view to their good. That’s what we’re actually doing when we engage in criticism. We’re dwelling upon the perceived faults of another with no view to their good.
Let’s break down the definition. First, note the word perceived. The reason why I say “perceived faults” is because my perception of what is wrong with you is not necessarily accurate. There may be circumstances that I don’t understand, or maybe the problem is actually with me, not you at all. In reality, we can become very critical of others, yet be entirely wrong in our opinion. Now let’s move away from the issue of whether the faults are real or perceived, because either way the attitude is destructive to us. So that’s the first thing— the perceived faults.
Now consider the words dwelling upon the perceived faults of another. That’s the key issue, isn’t it? Some people are very positive, upbeat, and encouraging.
But others are often critical of people and their actions. Are you a person who walks through life saying to yourself; “That’s not right!” and “Who thought that looks good?” and “Someone should have taken care of that”? If you think that way, then you’re dealing more directly with the dangers of a critical spirit than a person who is more positive and upbeat. Whether it’s one fault in one person we lock into, or we get ourselves to the place where we can’t see anything right, we are in danger of the wilderness attitude called criticism.
Does this ever happen to you? You sit through a worship service with your church, and you make mental notes. That’s not the way that I would do that or Why would they do that? or Why is he moving around that way? You think, I would never do it like that.
If you’re an analytical person, there is a lot of data surfing on those brain waves. You can’t necessarily stop that general way of thinking. It’s the way God made you. The problems come when you choose to dwell upon your observations—when you can’t set them aside.
You might ask, “But how can I help a person if I don’t dwell upon what they are doing?” Great question. That’s why I added that last part to the definition: with no view to their good. It’s not criticism to dwell upon a fault you observe in someone, provided: 1) you’re gonna pray about it, and/or, 2) youȊ pursue a solution. You have to dwell on the problem to pray about it, don’t you? If you observe a brother or sister who is struggling in a certain area, it’s not a negative, critical attitude if you begin to pray for them and ask God to help them. Also, if you know them personally, it’s not a critical attitude to focus long enough to decide, “You know, I’m going to try to help her. I’m going to go to her and I’m going to talk to her.”
SHOULD YOU TALK WITH SOMEONE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE?
When teaching about criticism, someone will inevitably ask, “What about talking to a third party about a person’s fault? If I see something that’s wrong in my friend’s life, would it be wrong for me to talk to another friend about what I observed? Is that a critical conversation?” Not necessarily. It’s only wrong if my intention is not to help the friend in whom I observe the fault. It’s not a critical conversation when the goal is trying to help.
Has this ever happened to you? You want to help somebody, but you wonder, “Am I crazy? Am I just imagining something wrong here?” You feel like you want to go to someone else for some counsel. That’s not wrong, provided the reason you’re talking to the third party is to do a better job of going to the person you want to help. You say, “That’s kind of sticky.” Yes it is! Here’s how you keep from getting stuck. When you go to Sue about Sally, if you can’t stop at the end of your conversation about Sue and say, “Now let’s just stop for a moment and pray about this situation, because I really want to help Sally,” you’ve got a problem. If you are not clear about your motives in sharing the situation with a third party, then you’re probably practicing gossip and not a genuine, helpful spirit.
By pulling all of those factors together, we should have a clear picture of the difference between constructive criticism and a destructive attitude. A critical attitude is a choice to dwell upon the perceived faults of another with no view to their good.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE WILDERNESS ...
Now, back to Numbers 12. “Then Miriam and Aaron spoke against . . .” Let’s just stop there again for a second. Remember, these are Moses’ sister and brother. Now, right off the bat, that’s pretty tough, isn’t it? How do you take unexpected and unfair criticism from those closest to you? The verb in Hebrew that means “spoke against” is in the feminine. That means that the primary critic in this case was Miriam. I guess Aaron sort of got dragged into it. That happens sometimes. One person gets a critical attitude and drags other people into it. One person’s bitterness can defile many people. That’s what happened here.
Now, before we get too hard on Miriam, or for that matter ourselves, let’s remember that Miriam was no slouch; in fact, she was a very godly woman. Big sister Miriam was the one who took Moses and put him into the bulrushes in the basket (Exodus 2:1–10). She also arranged for Moses to be nursed by his own mother even though Pharaoh’s daughter adopted him as her own. Miriam loved Moses. Beyond that, during the Exodus, when the nation miraculously crossed the Red Sea, it was Miriam who wrote the song of worship to celebrate that great victory (Exodus 15).
Miriam really was a godly, righteous woman, which tells us, among other things, that we don’t want to think that we’re so far along spiritually that we couldn’t be guilty of a critical attitude. We’re just as vulnerable as Miriam. None of us can say, “Well, that’s behind me,” and “Criticism is just not an issue for me,” and “I never—.” Wrong! Everyone can struggle in this area.
“Then Miriam and Aar
on spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married.” Some translations say, “the Ethiopian woman whom he had married” (NKJV). Now that’s strange, because we know that Moses’ wife was Zipporah, and she was a Midianite. The text doesn’t say here, but that phrase “for he had married” seems to indicate that maybe Zipporah had died and that Moses had chosen another woman as his wife. And guess what? Big sister didn’t like the new choice.
Do you think that’s the issue? It may have been the surface issue, but reading a little further we find the root of the problem. “And they said, ‘Has the Lord indeed spoken only through Moses? Has He not spoken through us as well?’ And the Lord heard it” (verse 2). Moses’ wife was the surface issue, but the real issue was Moses’ prominence. Their real beef was, “How come Moses gets all the attention? We’re leading too! Why does he get all the perks and petunias? ‘Moses this’ and ‘Moses that.’ We’re so sick of hearing Moses’ name. What about us? What about our place? What about our role?” They said, “Has [God] not spoken through us as well?”
CRITICIZING A HUMBLE MAN
Now look at verse 3. “Now the man Moses was very humble, more than any man who was on the face of the earth.” That’s an amazing verse if indeed Moses wrote the whole Pentateuch (the first five books of the Bible) including Numbers. I believe he did; most Bible scholars believe he did; most important, Jesus believed he did. When Jesus referred to the Pentateuch, He often said, “Have you not read in the book of Moses . . . ?” (Mark 12:26; see also Luke 24:44). So, if Moses is the author of the Pentateuch, how can a guy who is the most humble man that ever lived write, “Now the man Moses was very humble, more than any man who was on the . . .”?
It’s a fair question. We believe that the inspiration of Scripture extends both to the writing and to the gathering of the books of the Bible. If you think that Moses sat down one day and wrote the Pentateuch, that’s not how it happened. He wrote on many fragments and in different places at different times; he probably kept journals—all under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. After Moses’ death, the fragments that Moses had written were gathered together into the Pentateuch. In several places in the Pentateuch, comments are added. For example, Deuteronomy describes Moses’ death. Could he have written about his own death? Of course not. Moses died, and the people who gathered it all together wrote about his death.
So, that phrase about humility? Someone later on added the explanation, wanting us to understand how harsh it was to criticize Moses and how it would have wounded him. So here was the most humble man alive, and even he can’t escape the pain of some self-appointed critics attacking the work he is doing for God.
Confrontation? No ...God-frontation
There were consequences for this unjust attack. God commanded Aaron and Miriam to join Moses at “the tent of meeting.” “In a pillar of cloud [God] stood at the doorway of the tent and called forward Aaron and Miriam” (see verse 5). God confronted Aaron and Miriam as Moses stood right there. God said this in verses 6–8: “‘Hear now My words: If there is a prophet among you, I, the Lord, shall make Myself known to him in a vision. I shall speak with him in a dream. Not so, with My servant Moses, he is faithful in all My household; with him I speak mouth to mouth, even openly, and not in dark sayings, and he beholds the form of the Lord.’”
In other words, God was saying, “Do you have any ide who you are talking about? I don’t have another servant like Moses in all the world. I speak to him directly. Who do you think you are to be raising your voice in criticism against him?” “‘Why then were you not afraid to speak against My servant, against Moses?’ So the anger of the Lord burned against them and He departed” (verse 8).
Notice God’s deep feelings. Miriam and Aaron must have been scared to death. They didn’t have time to think, “Well, we weren’t being that critical! We just pointed out a few flaws. I mean—wait a minute, nobody’s perfect.” God didn’t wait for explanations, and they didn’t wait long for the consequences. Verse 10: “But when the cloud had withdrawn from over the tent, behold, Miriam was leprous, as white as snow. As Aaron turned toward Miriam, behold, she was leprous.” Just like that . . .
Miriam was suddenly as good as dead.
Aaron pleaded to Moses for their sister. He realized that Moses was their only hope. “I beg you, do not account this sin to us, in which we have acted foolishly and in which we have sinned. Oh, do not let her be like one dead, whose flesh is half eaten away when he comes from his mother’s womb!” (verses 11–12). Then Moses, always humble, always compassionate, turned to the Lord. “Moses cried out to the Lord, saying, ‘O God, heal her, I pray!’” (verse 13). The Lord had her quarantined for seven days, and the rest of the people waited, no doubt aware of the judgment. Finally Miriam was restored and they moved on (see verses 13–16). Unfortunately, that seven-day time-out didn’t have much of a lasting effect on the rest of the people.
PRINCIPLE ONE: CRITICISM IS WRONG
This story about God’s judgment on one critical person gives us insight into how God feels about critical attitudes. Miriam was not the only critical person. Remember that just two chapters later, in Numbers 14, we can read of how God sent a whole bunch of them to die in the wilderness because of incessant murmuring, which certainly included critical attitudes. Miriam’s experience illustrates a number of principles about criticism that were typical of God’s people (and us).
The main one should be obvious:
Criticism is wrong.
You don’t have to be a Bible scholar to pull that one from the text: Criticism is a sin, and the passage says so. Aaron said, “Do not account this sin to us, in which we have acted foolishly and in which we have sinned.” Criticism is a sin. Obviously, we want to soften the judgment on criticism; we want to believe that it’s a weakness. We would rather call it a bad habit. Criticism is those things, but beyond those characteristics, from God’s perspective, criticism is a sin. God is totally not into it when we dwell on the perceived faults of another with no view to their good. The point of this whole passage is that God hears the criticism and judges it as sin.
EFFECTS OF A CRITICAL ATTITUDE
Principle number one—criticism is wrong—also means consequences for this sin (as there are for any sin). Indeed, when we develop a critical attitude, we experience some of the same consequences that came to Aaron and Miriam. First,
Criticism ruins our fellowship with God.
It doesn’t destroy our relationship with God, but criticism changes our capacity to sense His love and presence.
If you have come to the place in your life where you turned from your sin and embraced Christ by faith as the only basis for your forgiveness, all of God’s judgment for your sin was placed upon Christ at the cross. Your relationship with Him is established. Yet there are judgments for sin that are not related to that—not vertical, eternal judgments, but horizontal, temporal judgments related to ongoing sin. The horizontal judgments upon sin that everyone has to deal with are often called consequences. The primary consequence of a critical attitude is seen in our fellowship with God. Sin hinders our fellowship with God.
We see this principle at work in human relationships. Having a critical attitude toward your wife doesn’t mean she stops being your wife, but it definitely affects your fellowship with her! Miriam and Aaron started out criticizing their brother, but ended up feeling the consequences most in their relationship with God. God pays attention to the way we treat each other.
If you have a critical attitude, it is hindering your fellowship with God. If your spiritual life is like a wilderness—dry, dead, cheerless, and joyless—maybe it’s because you’ve allowed a critical attitude toward a person or group of people in your life. It’s a choice that not only injures your relationship with that person, but also with God
If my fellowship with God is broken, what do I do? God gives us the answer. First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us fro
m all unrighteousness.” The Greek term homologeo translated by the word confess is insightful. It’s made up of two words: homo, meaning the same; and logeo, meaning to say. To confess is to say the same thing. Now my fellowship with God is hindered when I’m saying something different about my critical attitude than God is saying. What is God saying about my critical attitude? God is saying, “That’s sin! That’s wrong!”
“Oh, but you don’t know my situation. You don’t know how hard it is for me, and she’s driving me crazy. Somebody has to point out the truth in her life, or their situation . . .” We all have rationalizations to justify our critical attitudes. But our fellowship with God can only be restored when each of us “says the same thing God says” and acknowledges that criticism is sin. You and I have to agree with God, “Yes, Lord, that critical attitude is not acceptable. I am sorry; it’s sin and I choose to stop.”
A second kind of fallout from criticism being wrong is this:
Our critical attitude hurts us.
Criticism deeply affects us personally in a negative way. It takes a costly toll from us as spiritual beings.
Though I teach my church from many different places in God’s Word, we return to some principles again and again. Here’s one: Choose to sin; choose to suffer. God is not some arbitrary being up in heaven who says on a whim, “Well, that is right and this is wrong.” Everything God calls sin is injurious to us as human beings—everything. When God says, “Don’t!” what He really means is, “Don’t hurt yourself!”
When God says, “Don’t criticize,” it’s not because He is trying to deprive us of some satisfactory experience. He is actually saying, “That goes against the nature of who I have made you to be.” Fish were made to swim. Birds were made to fly. People were made to live in fellowship with God. When we sin, we break our fellowship with God. We hinder our human happiness, and life becomes like a wilderness.