Lord, Change My Attitude: Before It's Too Late

by James MacDonald

  Now even people who don’t claim to know the Lord are observing the negative effects of sin, of criticism, upon human beings. Dr. David Fink, the author of Release from Nervous Tension, worked with thousands of people who were mentally and emotionally disturbed or troubled. Most of them asked Dr. Fink for some kind of a short-term quick-fix; they asked, What is the secret to emotional health? So many peple, all with the same questions. In his search for answers, he studied two groups: The first group was made up of thousands of people who were suffering in some way—tension, emotional turmoil, significant stress; the second group contained only those—thousands of them—who were free from such internal struggles.

  Gradually one fact began to stand out: Those who suffered from extreme tension had a single trait in common—they were habitual faultfinders, constant critics of people and things around them. Meanwhile, the men and women who were free of all tensions were the least critical of others. No doubt about it then: The habit of criticizing is a very personally destructive pattern of thinking.

  That’s why we have listed a critical attitude among the habits God wants to replace. It puts you in the wilderness. Look out if you’re always, “Why didn’t she?” and “Why can’t he?” and “When will he ever learn?” and always negative all the time. Criticism can destroy you! It carries you into the wilderness.

  If criticism is wrong for our fellowship with God and for us personally, then, just as surely, it’s wrong for our relationship with others.

  A critical attitude destroys our fellowship with others.

  As a pastor, I frequently hear people say, “I just don’t seem to be able to find any friends” or “Every time I try to find friends ...”And before they’re three sentences into their sad story, you just want to say, “Do you know what? It’s your attitude! It’s your critical, negative, faultfinding attitude. Do you know why you’re alone? They’re not into your attitude.”

  Who wants to spend Friday night with someone who they know from experience will consume most of the conversation updating everyone on their top-ten-people-to-hate list? You can go out with them if you want—I’m staying home; Wheel of Fortune reruns are more appealing than that dinner party. Are you getting this? There is fallout in our relationships with others when we become known as critical people. Criticism is wrong.

  The complaints of Aaron and Moses clearly point to principle number one: Criticism is wrong. Let’s look at five other principles from Numbers 12.

  PRINCIPLE TWO: CRITICISM IS PETTY

  The second principle is criticism is petty. That principle was at work when Aaron and Miriam criticized Moses for marrying the Cushite woman. “I don’t like the woman he married. I don’t know why he married her. Why didn’t he check with us first? Why didn’t he talk to me? I would never have—” The real issue was not Moses’ wife. Moses’ wife was the petty-criticism cover-up for the real issue of their own jealous hearts. Someone needed to stop them and yell, “Hey! What’s really bothering you?” What’s behind this petty criticism? There was a lot behind it, and very little of it had to do with Moses.

  I see this often in my role as a marriage counselor. I sit down with couples and try to help them with their marriage. Out come the petty complaints. “I don’t like his job; he travels too much.” But that’s not the problem; that’s what the person’s criticizing. There is something behind that. Could it be she’s insecure? Maybe he hasn’t been the nurturing husband he should be. So every time he is out of town, you’re not sure; you’re insecure. The criticism is a petty covering for the real issue. The concern may be justified, but your criticism won’t get you to the truth.

  Or take another frequent criticism, “He (or she) doesn’t like my parents.” Why doesn’t he? What’s behind that? Get past the criticism to the deeper issue. “She loses my socks.” Yeah, as if your marriage is cracking because of that. Or she says, “He never picks things up.” The critical, petty things are covering up the real problems. If you want to go forward in that relationship, get to the real issue. I know this firsthand. Together, couples and I solve the problem they raise, and before they can get to the car, guess what? They find something else wrong. The reason they’re on to something else is because the petty criticism is a covering for the real heart issue.

  Did you hear the cool story in Aesop’s fables about a man and his grandson traveling to town? The old man walked while his grandson rode the donkey. But some people said, “Would you look at that old man suffering on his feet while that strong young boy who is totally capable of walking sits on that donkey?” So the old man, hearing this, switched places and began to ride the donkey while the boy walked. Now he heard people saying, “Would you look at that? A grown man taking advantage of that little boy. Can you believe it?” And so the man and the boy both rode the donkey. Then they heard people saying, “Would you look at those heavy brutes making that poor donkey suffer?” So they both got off and walked until they heard some people say, “How pitiful, a perfectly good donkey not being used!” The final scene of the story showed the boy and the old man staggering along as they carry the donkey. The point is this: If a person’s heart is to criticize—if their heart is to find fault—there is absolutely nothing that can satisfy them. Behind the petty issue is a real heart issue. Let’s talk about those “real issues” next. At least three significant issues hide under the covers of criticism. One of them is a blend of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and the bitterness that goes with it fuel criticism. I was traveling out of state recently, and I met a family who love the Lord with all of their hearts. At one point, I was talking to the mother of the home, whom I respect as a godly woman. That’s why I was amazed by what happened when the subject of a family member came up. This sweet-spirited lady, who just a moment ago had been discussing the Scriptures and the things of God, suddenly burst out—

  “He’s a jerk! I hate him!”

  Whoa! I couldn’t believe it. All this bitter stuff poured out of her about her feelings toward this family member who had caused so much injury. I could certainly see there had been a lot of hurt, but unforgiveness and bitterness were causing those wounds to fester rather than heal. The criticism was not the real issue; it only covered the deeper issue of unforgiveness and bitterness. When unforgiveness is in the heart, criticism will be on the lips.

  Second, criticism masks envy, jealousy, or resentment. People are often critical because they are envious of the success of another. So they try to pull the person down. As they dwell on the other person’s good fortune, they begin to be overcome by resentment and start to find fault with what that person is doing. Again, the real issue is not the critical attitude; that’s just a petty covering for the problem of jealousy.

  A third heart problem that lies under the covers of criticism is personal failure. People can become critical of others because they’re living in defeat themselves. Maybe you’re discouraged about the direction of your life, or what you have been able to accomplish so far. Maybe you’re struggling with a personal sin that has you defeated most of the time. How easy it is to become critical of others to sort of level the playing field. “Well, they don’t have it together, either” and “Yeah, maybe I’m struggling, but he’s not perfect. She’s doesn’t have it all together, either.”

  Criticism is pety. And it covers serious issues that lead to wilderness living.

  PRINCIPLE THREE: CRITICISM IS SELF-EXALTING

  Here’s a third principle about criticism that we find illustrated in the attack by Aaron and Miriam: Criticism is self-exalting. Ultimately, criticism inflates the self. Oswald Chambers, the great devotional writer, wrote, “Beware of anything that puts you in the place of the superior person.” Anything that makes you feel superior is not conducive to your spiritual life. That’s what criticism does: It takes the focus off me and my faults and highlights me as the one who knows. “I know; I see.” Criticism elevates me as the highest and best. Criticism reduces the pain of being in the spotlight and gives me the fleshly satisfaction of run
ning the spotlight. And in a sick sort of way it can feel good to put that kind of pressure on others. People find it much harder to see my life if I am shining the glaring light of criticism on others!

  Be careful you don’t find yourself saying subconsciously, “If I can’t make my mark in this world by what I do, maybe I’ll make it for knowing what others could do better.” Criticism is self-exalting, and God will not honor that.

  PRINCIPLE FOUR: CRITICISM IS PAINFUL

  Here is a fourth, unexpected principle of criticism in our biblical story: Criticism is painful. Let’s look at criticism’s impact on the other person. You are probably well aware of the pain of someone criticizing you. Imagine Moses: His brother and sister, the ones he thought he could count on, suddenly turned on him. The betrayal must have cut deeply. Sometimes the ones who injure us the most are the ones closest to us. Our immediate families at home and at church know our faults and where we are vulnerable to injury.

  A person who is constantly or continually criticized can become good-for-nothing. The effect of criticism can knock all of the confidence and power out of a person’s life. The pain from the “coldwater bucket brigade” can be devastating.

  If your ideas are ignored and your efforts ridiculed, if you have been mocked by those from whom you most need support and encouragement, my heart goes out to you. Parents often leave their kids’ lives in shambles by creating a household filled with criticism. Maybe you have been thinking about your parents or some other significant person this whole chapter—hardly able to focus on your own life because you have been seeing the face of your harshest critic. You remember someone who has left deep scars upon your life by constantly criticizing you. “That’s not good enough!” Or, “You’ll never get it right!” Maybe those words ring in your ears.

  How do you respond to such criticism? The key is to remember we are not here to win people’s approval but God’s. The apostle Paul wrote, “Am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

  Theodore Roosevelt said, “It’s not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbles or how the doer of deeds might have done it better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” 1

  I encourage you to turn down the volume on the critics in your life. Center your attention on what God thinks of you, and life will be better. Otherse, it’s so easy to get sucked into the wilderness by someone who seems to love it there.

  PRINCIPLE FIVE: CRITICISM IS OFTEN INADVERTENT

  A fifth principle of criticism that we learn through Aaron and Miriam is that criticism is often inadvertent. This is a very important point. Not every person who criticizes has a wicked, awful heart. A healthy portion of the critical things that people say are words they wouldn’t say if they thought twice.

  People, including you and me, often utter careless, thoughtless words that strike others like a slap in the face. Our verbal missiles are not targeted for intentional injury, but loose lips often do damage we don’t anticipate. On a better day, filled with the Spirit and focused on what’s right, we would never choose to say those things. Criticism is often inadvertent. Notice in the text how quickly Aaron said, “We have acted foolishly” (Numbers 12:11). He didn’t try to defend his position. He doesn’t stick up for what they said with, “Yes! Moses did marry the wrong person!” And, “We should have more prominence!” He realized his position, and as soon as he did, notice how quickly he and Miriam retreated.

  His example makes this point: Inadvertent criticism does damage to people we really do care about.

  PRINCIPLE SIX: CRITICISM PLUGS THE FLOW OF GOD’S BLESSING

  A sixth principle about criticism can also be found in our passage: Criticism plugs the flow of God's blessing. Oswald Chambers made a brilliant observation: “Whenever you are in a critical temper, it is impossible to enter into communion with God.” That’s a scary thought! Criticism makes us hard and vindictive and cruel. It leaves us with the flattering notion that we are superior persons. It is impossible to develop the characteristics of a saint and at the same time maintain a critical attitude. Criticism harms our relationship with God and others, and that will block the flow of God’s blessing.

  I have observed a pattern over the past five years as a number of people have come to Harvest Bible Chapel from other churches. They have arrived wounded, tired, and sometimes angry. My primary concern has not been about their critical attitude as new members. What I’m concerned about is the critical attitude they might have toward the churches that they left. Perhaps things were said during their departure that caused injuries. If they have brought hurts, frustrations, and unresolved conflicts with them from their past experiences, these may come out in continual criticism that will poison them and their new relationships. There is a solution: The offense must be addressed. Thus, I regularly challenge new people, in Jesus’ name, to write a letter or make a phone call in order to settle past offenses. I would challenge you also: If criticism from past emotional injuries has leaked into your family, you must find a way to apply healing. If your kids know your frustration and have heard your negative attitude toward others, you are injuring them spiritually. Please remember that our children get a lot of their early attitudes from us.

  I challenge you to have a righteous, gracious attitude toward the church of Christ and toward the servants of Christ. The momentary relief you may get from criticizing other Christians is not worth the damage you will pass on to your family. And the critical attitude festering in your heart is not worth the damage you will do to your relationship with God. To restore God’s blessing, we need to confess and forsake this wilderness attitude, and replace it with a Promised Land attitude. That brings us to the solution . . . but first, some personal words about my response to criticism.

  UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

  It’s probably not surprising that I get a significant amount of criticism. It seems to go with the pastoral territory. I know a lot of it is deserved. Some of it is even helpful. But whether deserved or not, negative comments are hard to deal with. My greatest struggle, however, is not to deal with the pain of being criticized but to make sure that I don’t catch the disease. Too often I have heard myself speaking words of criticism that, upon further reflection, were rooted in the pain I felt from being harshly treated. This is not an acceptable excuse.

  Some of the pain that fuels criticism must be quickly dismissed as not worthy of our attention. In this respect, I value the example of Abraham Lincoln. He received an amazing cascade of harsh criticism during his lifetime. Mr. Lincoln himself once commented:

  If I tried to read, much less answer, all the criticisms made of me and all the attacks leveled against me, this office would have to be closed for all other business. I do the best I know how—the very best I can—and I mean to keep on doing this down to the very end. If the end brings me out all wrong, ten angels swearing I had been right would make no difference. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me now will not amount to anything. 2

  But all of the criticism we receive cannot be dismissed. What remains must be taken to the Lord.

  God wants to help us bear the pain when others sin against us. I had to learn that when the pain of criticism shows up in wrong attitudes to those around me, I have not really taken my burden to the Lord. First Peter 5 speaks of the pain of false accusation and unjust treatment, telling us to cast our cares upon Him, because He cares for us (see verse 7). That’s what breaks the chains of criticism from others and keeps a critical spirit from growing in us.

  LET’S TA
LK SOLUTION

  I trust that you have sensed God connecting these words about criticism to your life. We need to have a clear idea of what we’re asking God to replace when it comes to our critical attitude. I invite you to seriously consider the following personal questions.

  1. Am I a critical person? Is that too general a question? Try this: Am I negative and harsh in my opinions of others? Am I quick to find fault? Am I an analytical person who gets carried away into criticism? I am particularly sensitive to this because that’s who I am. I know the frustration of defeat in this area myself. Those who are analytical—who have all kinds of thoughts and ideas constantly coming through their minds—need to respond to this challenge: Am I a critical person?

  2. Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with God? As is true of each of these negative attitudes, we may be able to spot the results in our lives more clearly than we can see the causes themselves. A critical spirit creates all the effects we have mentioned in this chapter. So ask yourself: Is my life like a wilderness? Is my heart like a wasteland? Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with God? Am I ready to agree that my critical attitude is one reason I’m in the desert?

  3. Am I willing to repent? Am I willing to turn from the rationalizations that allowed me to form that pattern of thinking? Am I willing to turn from the habit of a critical attitude and repent? If so, I encourage you to review the prayer below, and then make it your own as you ask God to help you deal with your critical attitude.

  Look Up

  Lord, thank You for the priceless privilege to worship and live alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank You that each one is known and loved by You and has his and her own story of Your grace and goodness in their lives. Lord, I am like them in that You found me in my sin also. And You have shone the light of Christ into my life. Now I am in the process of growing and becoming more like You. Help e along the way to discern the difference between loving, constructive criticism and the kind of criticism that destroys. Help me to think highly and graciously about others. Help me to pray for others.