Bittersweet Addiction

by Q. B. Tyler

  She nods and I expect her to move forward so I can slide in behind her but she shakes her head and points to the other end of the tub. “I want to see your pretty face,” she giggles.

  I remove my clothes and sink into the water across from her, sliding my legs around her petite ones. My tub is long, so her feet only come up to about mid thigh and I feel her running her toes over the tops of them under the water. “Full disclosure?” she asks.

  I nod once, hoping we can bury this once and for all.

  “Did you love her? Audrey? Maybe looking back, you don’t think you did. But at the time? Did you?”

  I shake my head. “No. I knew what our relationship was. Even if she didn’t.”

  “But you said you were a commitment-phobe. That doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t love her. Just that you were too afraid to admit it.”

  I lean back, impressed by her statement. “You’d make an excellent shrink.”

  “I learned from the best.” She smiles and my heart skips a beat hearing her talk about me that way.

  “I don’t think I loved her,” I say finally. “I think I cared for her, and I hurt her. But I didn’t love her.”

  “Have you ever been in love?” She pauses. “Besides me?”

  I sigh, wracking my brain for any of the similar signs that I exhibit with Charlotte every day. I try to remember having any of the symptoms I was experiencing as I fell hard for her. Nothing even comes close.

  “No. I never felt for anyone a fraction of what I feel for you.”

  She nods and I pause, wondering if I want to open this can of worms, but I figure while we are on the subject we might as well get everything out in the open. “When do you think you fell out of love with Wells?”

  “Shouldn’t you know that?” she giggles.

  “Charley…” I trail off.

  Truth is, I’m not sure. I wonder if she had already fallen out of love with him before they started coming to me.

  “I don’t know,” she shrugs. “Probably sometime before the first time I asked for a divorce. Somewhere in our third year of marriage.”

  “And you stayed with him another two years, Charley?”

  She shrugs sadly. “I didn’t know what else to do, Will. I thought…I felt so alone.” The tears well up in her eyes and before I know it water is sloshing out of the tub as I pull her swiftly through it and into my lap. I pull her to me, her hands resting on my chest as she straddles my thighs.

  “We don’t have to talk about it. Just know that you’re not alone now. I never want you to feel that way again.”

  “I know. You were so good to me…even before…I should have known that I was different. That you didn’t treat all of your wife patients like me.”

  “None like you,” I whisper as my lips find hers.

  “You were the first man to ask me about my day in years.” She sighs. “I think I fell in love with you then.” I look into her eyes where I can still see a few traces of hurt behind them, and I decide to end this for good.

  “Charley…I know today was difficult for you, but you know me,” I tell her as I press her hand to my heart. “You know me better than anyone. You know that what we have is real. What I feel for you is real. I hate to say it like this, but if I wasn’t invested, if I wasn’t all in…I wouldn’t have pushed you to leave Wells. I’m never going to get bored of you or of this. The spark will never die between us. It will always be exciting. I love you, Charley.” I guide her onto my cock, feeling her slide down on me. “I love you so much.”

  * * *

  I WATCH THE LOVE OF my life stand to his feet as a panel of seven decide his fate as a doctor. I frown as I watch as his father, his lawyer, stands beside him. I’m seated behind him in the crowd and I wonder if he can feel the vibes I’m sending him. I look nervously to the right to see his mother tapping her fingertips against the armrest a few seats down. I was seated first, having arrived with Will hours ago. Diana arrived later and immediately chose her seat, making a point that she’d rather not sit next to me. I offer her a weak smile, but her cold eyes give away nothing.

  I turn my gaze forward again, ignoring the tension radiating between me and my future mother-in-law.

  “Dr. Montgomery, in all of my years as a psychologist, and the years I’ve served on this board, never have I ever been on a case this—circumstantial. This…objective. A case with such an exorbitant amount of gray area. I understand that you fell in love and I do wish you well, but the fact of the matter is you broke a number of rules that led you to where we are now. And after both of your testimonies, it appears that you have very little regard for the rules that you broke. You made your choice, Dr. Montgomery. It was not your career. The cards were always in your hand regarding your future.”

  My blood runs cold hearing Dr. Marks’ words and I hear a gasp from a few seats down. She knows it too. We all know it.

  This is it.

  I can’t escape the tears that spring to my eyes as I know that this isn’t going to end the way we hoped. We knew this was a possibility. J.R. prepared us, Will prepared me. It’s funny, this is directly affecting Will the most, and yet he was talking me off the ledge last night. I didn’t mean to break down…it just happened. The thought of Will losing everything made me sick to my stomach.

  My stomach turns again, and I wince, praying that the nausea can be kept at bay until we either recess or the proceedings are over. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly before reaching for the cup of water sitting on the floor under my feet with shaky hands.

  “Dr. Montgomery, do you understand what it would mean if we were to revoke your license completely?”

  My eyes widen and my teeth find my bottom lip nervously. Revoke? As in…permanently? We were holding onto hope that it would merely be a suspension and he could apply for an appeal after a certain amount of time but revocation is… He can’t be reinstated.

  “Yes, Dr. Marks,” I hear him say.

  Dr. Marks leans back in his chair slightly and narrows his eyes at him. “Do you think that you deserve a punishment to that extent?”

  Will looks up and although I can’t see his face, I know there’s confusion written all over it as if to say, you’re asking me?

  “No, sir, I don’t.”

  “And why is that?”

  “With all due respect, haven’t we been over that?”

  “Humor me,” he challenges.

  “Miss Pierce and I had a relationship, yes…”

  “A relationship that violates everything in the code of ethics. Revocation, Dr. Montgomery is well within the scope of punishments we could administer.” He opens a folder, laying it flat in front of him and looks at him over his glasses. “Revocation is justified when the license holder is guilty of unlawful or improper conduct.” He puts his glasses down. “Would you call your relationship with Miss Pierce unlawful?”

  “No sir.”

  “Improper?”

  God, this man is a dick. I roll my eyes. What a condescending asshole.

  “Oh please,” I hear murmured and I catch a glimpse of Will’s mother who is shooting daggers at Dr. Marks.

  “Yes, my behavior with Miss Pierce was improper. I should not have engaged with her while she was my patient—”

  “And married,” Dr. Marks interrupts.

  “And married,” Will repeats, and I can hear the defeat in his voice.

  “Dr. Montgomery you’ve been listed as one of the top, world-renowned doctor’s year after year. You’ve received award after award, and accolades for your service. Graduated top of your class at Harvard, Dr. Montgomery. Your resume is impressive, and yet you knowingly entered into a sexual relationship with a patient, being fully aware of the risks that you were taking. Knowing that it was against everything being a doctor stands for. You were not acting in the best interest of your patients, but in your own best interest. How does that make you a good doctor?”

  How could they say those things? I’m ready to jump out of my seat to come to h
is rescue when I feel a hand slipping through mine and squeezing. I look over to the person in question and I see the last person I would have expected: Diana Montgomery. She shakes her head slowly as if to say, don’t do what you’re thinking.

  “I can’t let them do this to him,” I whisper. “I have to say something.”

  “You’ve said enough. They’re taking your testimony into account. If you cause a scene or have an outburst, you could be removed and Will needs to keep his head in the game. My son needs you here, Charlotte.” My eyebrows furrow hearing her say those words.

  Now you see that he needs me? That I need him?

  “There is also the matter of the violation of your patients’ privacy. We’ve been conducting our own investigation on the matter. We summoned Matthew Wells for his testimony.”

  My head snaps back to the panel upon hearing my ex-husband’s name and my heart rate quickens immediately. What happened with that? Fuck!

  “He admitted to everything, but he’s also been very cooperative and signed a number of documents stating he wouldn’t say anything. He was more than willing to avoid the possibility of incarceration.”

  I fiddle with my fingers in my lap, having pulled away from the Ice Queen’s grasp.

  “Despite all of this we,” he looks at the table of Doctors, “are Doctors first, and members of this board, second. Our job is to detect basic human emotions and interactions. Based on the testimony of Dr. Lenox, when he interviewed one Miss Charlotte Pierce, his recommendation was that she, in fact, was in love with you, and was competent enough to understand the gravity of what your love meant. Of what your love meant for her, for you, for all parties involved. She sacrificed a marriage, security, possible protection from what appears to be an abusive stepfather?” He looks at what I assume to be my file. “And yet, she stated on record that she’d do it all again if she had the choice.”

  I notice Will visibly relax hearing a recount of my testimony and a brief smile crosses my face knowing that it’s brought him a moment of peace.

  “Miss Pierce also mentioned, and I don’t think she really understands the pertinence of her statement that she was attracted to you from the moment she saw you, before she set foot in your office. Thereby, her attraction for you technically started before you were her doctor. If we were going to proceed further with revocation, we would need to prove to a jury in a court of law that you seduced her as her doctor. Her testimony throws that out, and heaven forbid we put her on the stand.”

  My eyes widen as I hear what seems to be a loophole.

  He steeples his fingers under his chin. “Dr. Montgomery, I don’t think I’ll ever sit on a case of this nature. So, we as a board, vote for the motion to suspend you for twenty-four months. Reinstatement will be allowed in December 2019. We will start from left to right, starting with Dr. Lenox; please state whether you agree or disagree. If the majority disagrees we will proceed with trying this case in a court of law for complete revocation of your license.”

  “Agree,” Dr. Lenox states.

  “Agree.”

  “Agree.”

  “Disagree.” My eyes narrow at the man staring cold eyes at Will.

  “Asshole,” I hear Diana mumble under her breath, and under any other circumstances I would giggle.

  “Disagree.” My heart plummets as it’s now 3-2.

  “Disagree.”

  No. No. No.

  Dr. Marks is the final person to vote and he narrows his eyes at Will. “Dr. Montgomery, I urge you to take the next two years and make something of them. Do not waste them thinking of the past. Write a book, write three books. Start an organization. Counsel troubled youths. You are still a doctor whether you can legally practice or not.” He nods and shoots him a small smile. “Agree. Dr. Montgomery, we’ll see you in two years.” He slams his gavel against the table and I feel the air leave my lungs almost immediately.

  * * *

  IT’S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE the verdict, and Will hasn’t left his townhouse once. Not only has he not left the house, but he hasn’t left his office which means I’ve barely seen him. I’ve gone to bed alone and woken up alone, and I wonder if he’s even come to bed at all which feels all too familiar. I’m trying to give him space, but I’m wondering if he needs me more than this space.

  Will hasn’t eaten much over the past few days. He’s been surviving off bourbon and the toast I’ve been shoving down his throat in the morning, but tonight I’m making him dinner. As I do I feel my phone vibrate.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Charley, it’s Drew.”

  I pull my phone away from my ear and frown slightly as I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone. “Oh… hey.”

  “I hope you don’t mind, Lauren gave me your number.”

  Oh right. “Not a problem, what’s up?”

  “Well, my brother isn’t answering his phone and J.R. told me what happened. I was just checking in on him.”

  “Oh.” I put a hand over my eyes, knowing that there was no way Will would want to talk to Drew when he was barely speaking to me. “He’s just taking it one day at a time. I think he’s in a bit of shock still. The whole situation kind of sucks.”

  “But he got you in the end, and that’s what he wanted, right? So, he can’t be too upset?”

  Tears spring to my eyes hearing what I hoped to be Will’s reaction. Instead, he’d been pushing me away and asking for space. “Right of course, but I understand…it was his livelihood.”

  “Can I talk to him?” he asks.

  “He’s…sleeping, I think? I can have him call you back?”

  There’s silence on the other end followed by, “Don’t let him push you away, Charley. He pushed all of us away years ago. I should have pushed back. He needed someone to do that and now it’s too late. But you…he’s crazy about you. He needs you, Charley.”

  “I need him too,” I whisper into the phone, the emotions taking all of the conviction out of my voice.

  “Well, be there for him…even when he says not to.”

  I hang up the phone and move towards his office. I open the door to find him asleep on the couch, a drink sitting on his glass coffee table the color of amber, collecting condensation from the ice. I wonder what he’s drinking today. I turn on the light, illuminating the once dark room. “Will,” I say softly.

  “Hmmm,” he says before he turns away from me.

  “Will, we need to talk,” I tell him as I sit on the couch next to him. I put a hand on his shoulder and rub it gently. “Please.”

  He turns to look at me, his eyes squinting as the light of the room meets them. “What is it, Charlotte?”

  I shake my head, never having heard him take that tone with me. “Your brother called.”

  He groans, “I don’t want to talk to Drew.”

  “I figured, given that you don’t even want to talk to me. I told him you were sleeping.”

  “Don’t start.”

  “Start what? You’ve barely talked to me in two days. I was trying to give you space, but are you trying to tell me something? We talked about this; you said you wouldn’t push me away. That you wouldn’t hate or resent me if things didn’t go the way you wanted.”

  “Don’t make this about you, Charlotte,” he snaps as he sits up. “I don’t resent you. I’m not saying I want out, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself.” He takes a long sip of his drink.

  It feels like a slap in the face hearing his words. “You being angry with yourself just means you’re having regrets…and that hurts just as much as you resenting me.”

  “I just should have stopped seeing you and Wells once I started having feelings. I should have stopped counseling you and pursued you then. I knew better.”

  “Dr. Marks said you shouldn’t dwell on the past,” I whisper.

  “Fuck that asshole. He could have given me a lesser sentence.” My lips form a straight line. “You don’t agree?” he accuses, and I can tell that I need to get ou
t of this now before he explodes and I’m a casualty of the explosion.

  “I don’t know enough about the rules and precedent…I thought two years was standard.”

  “You heard him, this was a special case.”

  “I don’t want to argue with you, Will. I’m on your side. I’m always on your side,” I tell him. “You heard him, my testimony was probably what got you out of the line of fire of complete revocation.”

  He looks up at me, the sadness lurking behind his blue eyes. “Thank you for that, by the way. You didn’t tell me you said that.”

  I shrug. “I told you. I told the truth about everything. If I could have taken the blame for this I would have,” I tell him sadly. “I hate that this cost you so much.” His head finds my chest and I hear him breathe in deeply. I stroke the back of his head, letting my hand ghost down his back. “But I’m here. I’m here for you, Will. You can’t shut me out. Let me make this better. Or… try.”

  I kiss his forehead and his arms move around me and tighten as he buries his head further into my chest. “I just want to be the best man I can for you,” he mumbles into my shirt.

  “Who says that you aren’t? You are the best man I know, Will. I know you’re feeling defeated and upset and you feel like the world is against you but…I’m here. And I know this isn’t what you pictured, but two years is better than forever. Two years is nothing. There’s so much we can do in that time. Or you can do…”

  “Like what?” he asks sadly.

  “Marks suggested a few things…what if you wrote a book?”

  “Who would want to read what I have to say?”

  I’ve never known Will to be someone that would have feelings of self-loathing, but hearing his words expressing his shattered confidence hurts me deeply. “Will, there are so many things you could write. A self-help book for instance. You could give people advice…”

  “On breaking up a marriage?” He snorts as he pulls his face away from my chest and looks at the ceiling.

  “Hey,” I grip his jaw, pulling his gaze to mine, “you didn’t break up a marriage.” I kiss his lips gently. “You did nothing wrong,” I whisper.