Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure)

by LeeAnn Masters

  “Don’t touch me. At least when you don’t, I know that what I’m feeling is real.”

  He winced at, what seemed like, her millionth admonishment, amazed he wasn’t bleeding and on his knees by now. When she decided to let you know how she felt, she went straight for the jugular. But then he’d brought this all on himself hadn’t he?

  “Mandy…please…” he tried again miserably. He felt like scum. He should feel like scum. That was what he was, after all.

  A few feet away she stopped and turned around. “I want you to ask yourself, do you have as good an understanding of yourself as you seem to of others? Dare to be true to yourself, Zack. Take a good, long, open and honest look. Then come see me when you’ve made up your mind, when you’re done rationalizing, and justifying your thoughts and actions. I might be waiting. But I’m warning you, you’d better be prepared to work hard to earn my trust because I’m not certain I’ll ever trust you again.”

  She continued toward the birch trees in front of them and then paused again thirty feet from him and turned around once more, but wouldn’t raise her head to look at him, only quietly stating, “I’ll be back in a while. I need to go cool down. Do not leave here. You’ll get yourself lost, and considering the mood that you’ve put me in, I might be tempted enough to not come looking.”

  After Amanda had disappeared into the shadows of the birch grove Zack felt his knees buckle, and he fell, kneeling hard on the granite beneath him. Shock raced through him as he, again, played and replayed her vitriolic comments, her feelings, and her expressions. They were stuck on a loop in his idiotic mind.

  “What have I done?” he whispered to himself, knowing he’d just ruined everything he’d wanted with her. She was right. Everything she’d said was right. He always had to have control. He had reacted like he had because he would not be able to have that with her, and that was what had caused his fear.

  Amanda had done nothing to him, hadn’t even asked for anything from him, and he’d built her up only to smash everything to pieces with his need to control everything and everyone around him. He’d asked for, and assumed, she would agree to place her trust in him, though by all rights he didn’t deserve it. Then, the very first time he would not be able to have control over a person and situation, he had done the unthinkable and flushed it down the drain.

  Still on his knees, he hung his head and said again. “Oh my God, Amanda. What have I done to you, and to us?”

  He could feel her sadness and anger, her disappointment and hurt even from… He looked up to see where she’d gone but couldn’t find her, well, however far she was, he could still feel her. Despair washed over him, hers coupled with his own, making his misery more acute.

  He stayed on his knees and prayed for divine forgiveness from the only one who literally did have control over their situation. He handed it over to God and begged Him to help him get Amanda back.

  * * * *

  As soon as Amanda reached the forest, and was safe from Zack’s eyes, she found a spot to curl up in between the trunks of two large trees and sobbed. She was horrified by what she’d done, backhanding him, and by the contemptuous and hurtful things she’d said. No, that wasn’t true. She wasn’t horrified she’d done them. She was horrified that he’d caused her to do and say them. While no one deserved to be hit, he’d deserved every word, all of them were true.

  She was simply in agony that he couldn’t find it in him to trust her. What the hell had she ever done to him to cause him to doubt her, even momentarily? While he had, time and time again, taken advantage of his talents, she’d forgiven him, knowing it was because it was the only way he knew to help. Now, well, he hadn’t been able to last an hour without interfering in her emotional make-up.

  All of her doubts about him from the previous night began to surface again. See, Amanda! I told you so, her ever-so-helpful mind supplied. He needed to be in control and she was no limp noodle. He needed to find a woman who “yes deared” him to death and that sure as hell wasn’t her.

  She just couldn’t figure out why his statements had hurt her so much. She’d told other men and gotten similar reactions, without pounding the hell out of them, so why Zack? Unbidden, her mind supplied several answers, the last of which threw her for a loop: because a single touch from his hand makes you come, his voice makes you feel happy, his caretaking makes you feel cherished, because he has good intentions even if the delivery isn’t always gallant, because he makes you feel safe, and because you love him.

  What?!

  That’s why what he said hurt her more deeply than any other man had. She was already in love with him! When had it happened? It had been so gradual she hadn’t seen it coming until it was too late. She’d been aware of the sexual desire, but ignorant that her heart was already involved. There was nothing she could do about Zack’s feelings though, so she may as well just get over herself. Just as Zack had told her that he couldn’t make her fall in love with him – she could not make Zack love her either. Cut him loose, Amanda, she told herself firmly. Do it, and do it now. Don’t let this hang out there. You’ll just get hurt worse.

  She sat and ruminated for at least twenty or thirty minutes before she heard Zack’s voice. He was talking to somebody, no, something. Oh Christ! She sprang to her feet and hurtled a downed tree. Ignoring a fiery ripping sensation in her left leg as she caught it on a branch, she sprinted back to the clearing to see what trouble he was getting himself into.

  Good thing she did. He’d stayed where she’d told him. Good boy, she thought caustically. Unlike the mangy German Shepherd mix that was now approaching him, whom Zack was encouraging to approach him, whistling and calling, “Here, boy, come on.”

  God save us from dumb-ass city boys, she thought with frustration. In one smooth motion she unsnapped the holster strap across her revolver, drew it out, and flipped off the safety. Zack, unfortunately, stood between her and the dog.

  Amanda groaned at their predicament and authoritatively but quietly called, “Zack, don’t touch him. Back away from the dog very slowly, and don’t make eye contact with him. I need you to move to your right. Do it right now.”

  Zack turned from the dog and looked at Amanda in surprise. “It’s just a lost dog. I wanted to check his tags.” He took in her stance, and drawn gun that was pointed toward him and the dog. The muzzle was aimed at the ground, at the moment and he turned to look at the dog again.

  The mutt had slunk closer while his back was turned and now he could see it wasn’t well. A low warning growl emanated from its throat. It was dehydrated and emaciated, blood caked its muzzle, and there was a slight foam around its mouth.

  “Rabies,” Zack whispered, a little too slow on the uptake. It just hadn’t occurred to him way out here. It should have, he was a doctor and knew much better than this. Oh shit!

  He heard her cock the hammer of her gun and mentally thanked her grandfather for teaching her how to shoot and hunt. He just hoped he’d be around to thank him in person!

  Amanda could have thumped him for remaining between her and the dog. She knew he’d finally figured it out but stood frozen in his fear, not knowing what to do. She called to him again, “Get out of my Goddamn way, Zachary!”

  As she called to him she could see the dog gather itself and shouted at Zack, “Down! Get down!”

  Finally, her words registered. Zack dropped down and rolled to his right, out of Amanda’s line of fire. But, the dog had followed his path, leaping right at the same time. Zack watched it all unfold in slow motion.

  As he dove down, Amanda raised her revolver, steadily following the dog. Never taking her eyes off the canine, she took aim and squeezed off two rounds in quick succession, cocking the hammer a second time in milliseconds.

  One shot would have done it. They’d both been true, right through his skull and into his brain. The dog’s bloody body landed with a thud two feet from where Zack lay. He crawled a couple of feet away from the dog’s pooling blood and sat down on his butt, resting his
elbows on his bent knees, and trying to steady his breathing, his body shaking with the adrenaline rush.

  Breathlessly she asked, “Are you hurt?” and ran over to him, throwing herself to her knees on the hard granite at his side.

  Checking him visually, and frantically running her hands over him looking for bite marks, she informed him again of what a “fucking idiot!” he was. But Zack didn’t take offense, because all that he was reading from her was her concern and relief that he was okay. He also didn’t take offense because he felt her love for him shining through it, too. She loved him? He closed his eyes and thanked God. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t too late.

  “You’re sure you’re all right? No bites? Nothing you didn’t tell me about?” Amanda questioned demandingly.

  “Mandy, I’m fine, just shaken up. That was really asinine. I should never have called to the dog.” He shook his head at his sheer idiocy. Then he was taken by surprise as Amanda laid one on him. Not that he was complaining!

  Not even thinking about their personal problems, Amanda leaned over him and kissed him hard on the mouth, then rained kisses over his cheeks and forehead.

  Finally, she rested her forehead against his, cradling his face between her hands, and in a choked voice lectured him, “Zack, never do that to me again! Jesus! Don’t you know better? Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to pet a stray? Haven’t you ever heard of rabies and distemper? You’re a fucking doctor, for Christ’s sake! You’re smarter than this!”

  Amanda would have gone on, but her anxiety over what could have happened to him got the best of her. Flipping the safety back on, she thrust her revolver into Zack’s hands, not seeing his astonished expression, and for the second time in as many days Amanda turned her back to him and vomited. At least there was food in the mix this time.

  He held her hair, again, as she lost her lunch, and the snacks they’d eaten before she’d screamed at him about his God-awful behavior. Again rubbing her back and murmuring comforting words such as, “It’s all right. It’s over. I’m okay. We’re okay.” He fervently prayed they were okay.

  When she was done, he took her by the hand, put the gun in the backpack and slung it over his shoulder, leading them into the woods. He found a fallen tree and seated her on it, pulling out the canteen for her to rinse her mouth with.

  “Sorry, nervous reaction,” she apologized.

  She leaned her elbows on her knees, holding her head in her hands. Her stomach was okay now, but she was working on a massive migraine, and if she didn’t get home soon she wouldn’t be able to function. Then he’d have to worry about her vomiting for real. Migraines always made her throw up. That and want to chop her own head off! She was starting to get those flickers at the edge of her vision that forecast a bad one was on the way. She knew she was going to be spending the night on the floor of the bathroom, in the dark, close to the toilet.

  Zack squatted down in front of her, pulling her hands from her face. She’d been rubbing one eye socket with the heel of her hand. She was really pale, and her eyes were squinted halfway shut, even in the shade of the trees.

  “Migraine?” he asked gently.

  She grimaced at him. “Yes, we need to get going. I’ve already got the flickering light stuff on the edges of my vision, and if you think you’ve seen me throw up a lot between yesterday and today, you just wait till you see what happens in the middle of a full-blown migraine,” she tried to joke with him about it, then gasped and had to squeeze her eyes shut as a vicious stabbing pain shot through the right side of her head. Since her eyes were shut, she didn’t see his nearly identical reaction as he experienced her pain.

  “Well, I’m hoping you won’t be getting too angry with me for controlling and managing you, but guess what I brought with me, just in case?” He pulled a small white tablet from his pocket and she could have kissed him, would have, too, if her mouth didn’t taste like her recycled lunch.

  She promptly held out her hand for the migraine pill and he got the canteen opened for her. “You’re a life saver!” she told him in appreciation. “I guess a little managing isn’t so bad,” she admitted after she took it.

  Not knowing what else to say to him or what to do, she looked away in embarrassment. “I’m sorry for what I said to you, Zack. I maligned your character viciously, and while I don’t regret saying it, I do regret the manner in which I said it. I didn’t mean to rail at you like a shrew.” Even as she said it, she knew it wasn’t quite the apology it should have been. You can’t or rather shouldn’t, try to apologize while justifying your insults.

  She was taken by surprise when he grinned back at her, and laughed when he responded, “Well, I guess you didn’t see that coming did you?” He gestured toward the dead dog.

  “No, obviously, I missed that one! I fell down on the job, or rather you did,” she joked back.

  “You might have saved my life, you know? At the very least, you saved me from a serious mangling and long series of painful rabies injections. I can’t thank you enough for coming back to help me. If you hadn’t, I don’t want to think about what would have happened,” he admitted.

  His male ego had taken a knocking today between her words and the rabid dog, and he was feeling very far from the controlling know-it-all of several hours ago. He’d learned another lesson, this one about humility.

  Zack stroked her cheek with his knuckles. “Mandy, I’m so sorry! I was acting like a horse’s ass. There is no excuse for my behavior. You’re right. I created a problem that doesn’t exist. You are much more trustworthy than I, and I should never have intimated otherwise. You’ve never done anything to hurt me. You’ve never used your talent to your advantage while we’ve known each other.”

  “Look at me, Mandy,” he requested, for she wasn’t meeting his eyes and he wanted her to know he meant what he said. He waited for her to pull herself together and lock her eyes on his before he continued.

  Staring into her forest green eyes he admitted, “I took advantage of my gift and, without discussing it with you, decided to interfere in your life, tell you what to do, and how to do it.” He swallowed hard because it was difficult for him to say. “I did try to control you, and I’m very sorry. I know it isn’t any excuse for my behavior, but I was only trying to help you. I will try to keep my influence to myself, unless you ask. I’ll try not to slip up, but you’ll have to be patient with me. I’ve been using it to my advantage for so long now, I don’t often think before I do it.”

  He could see all the questions in her eyes about where he was heading with this and forced himself continue. She still might push him away, even with all the kisses she’d showered him with after shooting the dog, so he had to try. “As far as your own gifts go, you were right there, too. I got spooked because they are not something I can control, and I don’t like that feeling.” His voice dropped to a pained whisper. “Will you forgive me? Because…if I lose you now, I’ll never forgive myself.”

  Amanda was shocked. She had not expected this from him. She’d thrown the words at him knowing they were true, but also to hurt him as much as he’d hurt her. She never imagined he’d admit to it. She’d spent all that time, after, sitting in the woods and talking herself into letting him go, and now he was the one fighting to stay with her. She did love him, but she wasn’t sure if she could trust him not to change his mind, again.

  “Uh…I don’t know, Zack. Maybe it would be best if we cut the strings now. I don’t know if I can handle us ‘trying this out’. What if you change your mind again? Get scared again? Or, can’t control yourself when you think you know what’s best for me?”

  Her voice wobbled, she wanted to tell him everything was good, that stressful situations threw people together and that they had had. Would he be as reliable tomorrow, or the next day, or the next? Did she want to risk her heart like that? Was she backtracking like Zack had, or were these valid concerns, she wondered?

  Her head hurt so bad she couldn’t really figure it out at the moment, and she groan
ed out loud as another stabbing sensation shot through it making her stomach churn. Gritting her teeth, she raised her hand again to press against her eye, knowing the added pressure wouldn’t help but wishing she could literally rip the pain from her skull. She really wished that medicine would kick in.

  Her leg was burning, too, fiery pain flared from her ankle to her knee. She’d probably pulled the stitches a little bit. At the moment, though, she didn’t really care, she’d look at it when they got back.

  At her words Zack’s face fell. He had blown it. She was right to doubt him but, damn it, he was going to try to do better.

  “Please, Mandy? Give me one more chance to do this right? Remember, you saw a future with me? How can we have that, if you won’t forgive me?” Here he was, on his knees in front of her, begging. It was a posture he’d never thought he’d take, but he wasn’t concerned about his ego at the moment. His only concern was that the woman he loved, give him the opportunity to prove it. To prove that he wasn’t the asshole he’d been before.

  He felt her waffling. He knew she wanted to give in, but she simply didn’t trust him anymore and she didn’t want him to hurt her again. What the hell could he say that would change her mind, he wondered. Hell, would he believe him? She needed him to back off for right now though, he’d read that loud and clear. She was in a lot of pain and couldn’t concentrate.

  He dropped his gaze to the moss-covered ground. As he did so, his eyes ran down Amanda’s jean-clad legs and he swore loudly. “Jesus Christ, you’re bleeding! Why didn’t you say something?”

  “Huh?” Amanda looked down at her left leg. Her jeans were soaked with blood from just below her knee to her hem, so was her boot. She groaned. “Oh, this has got to be a frigging conspiracy,” she told him. “Now what the hell did I do?”

  Zack rolled up the leg of her jeans since Amanda couldn’t do it with her braced hand. “You tore out most of the stitches, and lengthened the cut on your leg,” was his grim pronouncement. “How did you manage that?”