“Mmmm…” she responded to his kiss, not his questions. Her eyes sparkled like facets of an emerald rainbow in the single bare light bulb that glared down on them and he could see a deeper fire flare.
“You have one hell of a sex drive, Ms. Hall,” Zack huskily commented in appreciation.
“Complaints, Mr. Grayson? Too much work for you? Am I such a slave driver?” she joked back, knowing full well that his drive more than matched her own.
“You’ll never hear me complain about that job, Mandy. I’d be willing to make it a career if you’d allow me to. And, in fact I’m hoping you will.” He trapped her gaze with his and holding her left hand he stroked his thumb up and down her ring finger, reinforcing his unspoken thoughts.
He’d noticed last Thursday, when she’d gotten injured, that sometime in the past month she’d finally taken off her wedding rings and moved them to her right hand, publicly acknowledging her widowhood. As he ran the ball of his thumb over that most important finger he began to feel her shut down on him. Pushing, pushing…he reminded himself and backed off.
“We need to go, babe. Did you want some help finding what you’re looking for?” He released her and when she began to climb back up on the stool he swiftly lifted her back down. He was going to have to remind her to not climb on stuff while pregnant. He looked above her to the shelf. Being a full head taller he didn’t have to strain far to see what she’d been struggling to reach.
“Is this what you wanted?” He handed her an old baby album. Hers, he assumed. The front was titled Baby’s 1st Year.
“Yes, thanks,” she quietly answered him and exited the closet, placing the album on top of the chest of drawers next to her bedroom door.
She didn’t want him around when she looked at it. That much was pretty clear. She’d taken it from him and dismissed it, and him, from her thoughts telling him she was ready to go. Pretending it wasn’t important to her.
Neither of them had mentioned her pregnancy that morning. He got the impression she wasn’t ready for more discussion about it just yet. She was still dealing with the actuality of it. He, on the other hand, still felt incredibly lucky. Maybe tonight or tomorrow she’d be ready to talk about it. He hoped so. He didn’t want to let her go back to the Laurel Highlands without some resolution, some promises, and a few heart-to-hearts.
He didn’t want to upset her by bringing it up but he wanted to scream the news out loud to everyone he knew, and since they were going to be at his folks’ he thought that maybe they could share it with them today. When he gently asked Amanda if she’d mind if he told them she stared at him for a small while and he’d seen her swallow hard before answering him. Grudgingly, she answered that it was his news, too. If he wanted to share it, then he could.
She wasn’t thrilled because she wasn’t ready to talk about what it would mean to her, to him, and to them. She was also embarrassed at their “mistake” and ashamed of facing his parents, about whom she still felt ambivalent. To top it all off she was very scared about his brother’s ghost, et al. This was not the best day to announce an unplanned set of twins created by an unmarried couple who were more than old enough to know better!
“Let’s go already!” she gritted out, clearly in distress.
* * * *
Zack’s entire family, with the exception of his nieces, was gathered in the family room. Emma and Lissie were spending the day with their father so everyone wouldn’t have to pussyfoot around the real issues the ghosts presented. They could speak plainly.
Amanda took a steadying breath because Zack had warned her on the way over that he also intended to speak plainly to his family about their unplanned predicament. Before they began this ghostly counseling session he wanted everyone informed that she was pregnant, and that Zack reserved the right to call it quits if at any time he felt she would be endangered. He’d also reminded her of her promise to use his abilities to help her throughout this session.
Zack took her hand as he called his family to order and Amanda felt a strong surge of calm wash over her. It was so strong that she felt zombie-like momentarily. She wrinkled her nose at Zack and subtly shook her head to tell him to cut-the-hell-back, it was too much. Abruptly she felt him rein himself in and ease up on the flow he sent her. He mouthed an apology at her. It had been his own nervousness that had caused him to overdo it. She smiled and nodded when she felt it reach an appropriately low level.
“Amanda and I need to tell you something before we begin.”
Immediately Becca jumped in, smiling. “You’re getting married! Right? I knew it!”
Zack looked at Amanda who looked calmly back at him but shook her head. She knew he wanted to marry her. He’d as much as said it earlier at her house when he’d stroked her ring finger and hinted at “making it a career.” She wasn’t ready for that. She was having a hard enough time dealing with babies. She knew he’d love to announce wedding plans at the same time but she was putting her foot down. Not yet.
“No, we’re not getting married, at least not yet,” he answered her while looking meaningfully at Amanda. He was going to have his way and they would be married before the babies arrived. Again he rubbed her ring finger with his thumb, reminding her of their unfinished conversation.
His mother, father, and Cara had all looked excited at the marriage prospect and now looked simply confused.
“What is it, Zachary?” his mother finally asked.
Zack dove straight in. What other way was there to say it? “Amanda and I are pregnant. We’re expecting around March twenty-sixth.”
Amanda shot him a surprised glance. He hadn’t told her he’d figured out a due date. Of course it wasn’t as though she’d been willing to discuss it with him this morning so when would he have?
Jaws dropped open all around, first at the news, and again as they all wondered how they knew so early.
Cara was the first to figure it out. “You saw it! Didn’t you, Amanda? There’s no way you’d have physically known this early!”
Amanda nodded. “Yes, I read it from Zack last night. I don’t see my own future. I only see it in the context of my involvement with other people.” She looked around in apology. It seemed like she was forever apologizing to his family for one thing or another. She shook her head.
“I’m sorry. We, obviously, didn’t plan this, and we’re plenty old enough to have been careful and should have been more thoughtful about the impact our mistake might make on other people. So I wanted to apologize for any embarrassment I might cause your family.”
“Amanda!” Zack admonished her. “We are not apologizing for this. Yes, it was unplanned but the pregnancy is not unwanted. And, I won’t have our children referred to as mistakes! These babies will be loved regardless.” Zack glared around at his family to drive home his points.
Claire was the first to offer congratulations. Sitting next to Amanda she gave her a warm hug. John, Cara, and Becca all offered their congratulations, too, just moments behind. They all seemed sincere. No one came across as being judgmental or embarrassed, only happy for them. Every face was smiling and excited.
“Another grandchild!” Claire sounded excited. “Amanda, I know this is probably a little scary for you, considering the circumstances, but I want you to know that I’m happy for both of you and that our family will be here to support you throughout.”
“Emma and Lissie will have another cousin!” Cara exclaimed. She paused and a crease furrowed her brow as she remembered Zack’s exact words.
“Did you say babies? As in plural?” she asked, astonished. She was the only one who’d caught that and everyone looked at Amanda for verification. She looked at Zack to see if he wanted them fully informed. He nodded.
“Yes. We’re having twins, a girl and a boy,” she confirmed.
Zack’s dad pulled Amanda to her feet, gave her a hug, and danced her around in a circle. “I’ll have a grandson to carry on the family name!” Everyone laughed at his reaction of pure pleasure and Amanda vagu
ely recalled that Zack had told her that the other grandson, Damon, had been adopted by Josh’s wife’s new husband. Therefore Damon was a Grayson in blood, but no longer in name.
“Not that I don’t love my granddaughters or Damon,” John quickly stated just in case he angered Cara. They all knew he doted on them and Cara took no offense, she only laughed at him again. “Believe me, I can tell by the way you spoil them rotten!” she replied.
Becca took her turn hugging both Amanda and Zack. She turned to Cara. “We’ll have to plan a baby shower,” she said happily and she and Cara immediately began discussing when and where to hold it.
It was Amanda’s turn to laugh at them. “Slow down! We have a while yet.”
She hoped no one noticed it was a forced laugh. She still wasn’t ready to talk about this openly and felt really uncomfortable. It suddenly seemed as if she had no control over her own life. She acknowledged that she was feeling overwhelmed because she’d only just returned to her life after a year and half hiatus and now felt as though it was being taken over by Zack and their unexpected bundles of joy. She had only just begun to feel like herself again, and now was in danger of losing herself once more.
She pulled her hand from Zack’s as she felt him push more strongly at her as her anxiety climbed. She wanted to feel the way she felt, damn it. She wished she could be as happy about this as she had been when she’d first read the news from him, but a reality check had been issued to her indebted initial delusions and had quickly been cashed. This was going be damned difficult and she couldn’t fathom how Zachary could be so pleased about it.
Redirecting, she told his family it was now or never and asked Claire to get Joshua’s dog tags. When Claire pulled them from her pocket to hand to her Zack snatched them away.
“A few ground rules here.” He was going to be very explicit about how they were going to proceed. “Amanda was overwhelmed last week and I won’t allow her to be bombarded again this time, especially considering that she’s pregnant. So, if I believe that she is being overloaded I’m calling a halt to the proceedings. If I even think she’s beginning to lose her grip on everything, I’m putting on the brakes. Are we clear?”
Everyone agreed, except Amanda, who grumbled and looked at him with exasperation. “I mean it, Mandy. I’ll do whatever I must to keep you safe, even if it’s to keep you safe from yourself,” he warned her. He glared at her when she rolled her eyes at him.
Amanda ignored him and added, “At some point I’ll allow each of you to hold my hand so that you can personally see and interact with Joshua. I can’t have everyone touching me at the same time because I have to work at blocking out the impressions I’m receiving from you as well as balance keeping Joshua’s presence clearly visible for you. If other spirits appear with Joshua you may or may not see them too so I want you all to be prepared for that eventuality.”
She sighed and grimaced, holding one hand to her stomach, as what she was about to experience again made her feel ill. “This will be mentally and emotionally exhausting for me, and it may be for you as well. I can’t promise how long I’ll be able to hold the contact with him and his fellow travelers, so try, as much as possible, to be succinct in your words.”
Turning to Zack’s mom she said, “Claire, I’d like you to go first, then John. Cara and Becca, you guys decide who’ll go next.”
“What about Zack?” Cara asked
“Because Zack will already be anchoring me to help me keep it together he’ll be in contact with Joshua the entire time. As long as he’s touching me he’ll see, hear, and feel what I do.”
To Zack she said, “Are you sure you’re up to this? It’s going to be very draining for you because you’ll be feeling everything doubled, tripled, quadrupled, literally reading from everyone. He’s your brother after all and I know you miss him. There’s no way around this not hurting everyone here.”
“I’m sure. I don’t want you doing this yourself and you heard David, remember? He wants me to help you through this,” he told her firmly.
Amanda gagged slightly as bile rose in the back of her throat. She closed her eyes and prayed for strength. She really shouldn’t have been drinking last night. It sure wasn’t helping her today. The liquid courage of last evening was long gone, replaced by only the awful after effects.
She felt Zack tightly grasp her hand and opened her eyes. Nodding curtly to him she said, “Let’s get the show on the road.” Her stomach settled and her mind eased as Zack helped her gain control. When she felt calm enough she squeezed his hand to let him know to keep it at that level.
“David,” she called his name as though to gain his attention from mere feet away. As the air began to grow warm and quiver as she explained to Zack’s family that her husband would be helping them today. When she said “husband” she felt Zack flinch. Too bad, he was still her husband. Zack would have to deal with it. How else was she supposed to refer to him, as her life challenged previous life-partner? Get a grip, Amanda, she told herself.
There was a palpable nervousness in the air as they watched and waited for Amanda to clue them in. To Zack’s family’s surprise he was the first one to do so.
“David. Thanks for helping us today. We really appreciate it,” Zack told him in all sincerity.
“Zack, don’t forget. You or I will need to act as translator for your family. Until they touch me they can’t see or hear anyone,” Amanda reminded him.
“Hey, sweets.” David came closer and kneeled in front of her to give her a hug and kiss. “Am I forgiven for my behavior last night? I am sorry about what I said to you.”
“Of course I forgive you. Did you think I was married to you for all those years without learning how tactless you can be?” she joked back with him and stroked his cheek.
Suddenly she realized she was being watched. It was disconcerting how quickly she’d gotten used to Zack’s presence during these moments with David. His family could only hear and see her side of everything so she found herself explaining what had transpired, trying to make it seem as though she was amused instead of humiliated.
Zack’s dad roared in inappropriate laughter at the circumstance of a dead husband admonishing his wife’s lover for getting her pregnant and Claire smacked him on the arm hard enough to make the man wince. Cara and Becca snickered, both at Amanda and their father. They each got a warning look from their mom and a glare from their brother.
“Sorry, Amanda.” John quickly sobered himself. She noticed he did not apologize to his son, who was looked angry enough to deck his father.
“Ready to call in the troops, sweets?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” she answered dispiritedly and felt her anxiety ratchet up several notches. Zack put his arm around her and increased his mental output accordingly, then holding out his hand he dangled the tags by their chain, patiently waiting for her.
She stared at them for a long moment, bracing herself for what was to come. Then she gathered her courage, opened her palm, and held her breath as Zack lowered them into her hand.
“I’m here with you, babe. We’re here with you,” he corrected himself, adding David. “Just let us know what you need. We’ll get through it.”
Chapter 16:
Mass Visitation
Amanda’s hand closed over Joshua’s dog tags and she shut her eyes as she was deluged with images from his life. Slipping the dog tags over her head so she’d have her hands free, she decided she needed to filter out the visual representation of his spirit standing directly in front of her and sort through the images she’d seen first. She had to start somewhere. Once she got over that initial shock then she could talk to Joshua and his followers.
She heard Zack gasp his brother’s name, and heard his father tell his mother to give her some time, but focused and waited for Joshua’s memories to finish his life’s story. As they came to their bitter end she steeled herself to, again, relive his death and death of the men in his unit. She watched the civilian families perish
. And she saw one member of the terrorist group die, this second time she realized the man had taken his own life.
Taking her time, she played and then replayed those minutes in her head, rewinding and fast-forwarding to scan through parts she didn’t understand or thought might have more meaning than she’d first considered. She shuddered throughout the last few minutes and was vaguely aware of Zack tightly holding onto her and of David’s hand placed comfortingly on her knee.
“Amanda!” It was Zack, checking in to see if she was still with him. He must have said her name a few times because he was beginning to sound panicked. She heard David quietly tell him to “give her a minute” and appreciated his acuity in picking up that she was trying to gain a foothold in the midst of mental chaos. She heard Zack whisper worriedly to David that it had been a long time. She distantly wondered how long.
Finally she opened her eyes, casting them on Zack’s worried face. Shakily she told him, “I’m okay,” before she turned to acknowledge Joshua, who had dropped to kneel in front of her. She kept her eyes strictly on him so that she wouldn’t be overwhelmed by the many other ghosts gathered around him.
“I know, and I’m so very sorry,” she said to him miserably. He innately seemed to understand that she’d meant she knew what they’d all gone through.
“Will you help us?” he asked in desperation. “David said you would try.”
“I’ll do my best,” she told him gently. She looked up then, taking in the crowd, and silent tears began to course down her cheeks.
“You need to tell them to back off, David,” she whispered. They were all waiting patiently for her to get herself together but she was beginning to feel claustrophobic. All of them needed something from her and she didn’t have a clue where to start.
She’d also realized why she always felt somewhat wiped out after a visit from David. She hadn’t attributed her tiredness following his visits to him, but now that she was surrounded by so many spirits she began to feel the drag on her energy, or rather her life force? It was an odd thought. She wondered if David knew. Quickly, she glanced at him and from the surprise on his face as he caught her thoughts she guessed he hadn’t.
Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 48