Shadow of Love: Love Changes Everything! Book 5 (The Shadow Series)

by Barbara Goss

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  Anna noticed that he seemed to be struggling within himself, and she wondered if admitting he was wrong had been difficult for him, but his next move changed her mind.

  He reached over and put his arms around her and hugged her. “If anyone is going to hug my wife,” he said, “it should be me.” He hugged her tighter.

  She felt her arms automatically move around his neck and she returned his hug. It felt so glorious. She was disappointed when he finally moved away. She removed her arms and then felt a bit awkward.

  “As a husband, I’ve been remiss in showing you affection. It’s not because I don’t think you are a fantastic wife, and doing a wonderful job, it’s because I’m afraid,” he said.

  “Afraid? Of me? I’d never scold you for hugging me. I’ve never been hugged before in my life, and I love being hugged. It makes me feel liked, secure, and cared about,” she said.

  “You were never hugged before?”

  “Who would hug me? My mother sometimes gave me a peck on the cheek, but no one ever hugged me. Miles was the first time, and it made me feel wanted and welcomed.”

  Billy grimaced. “The first should have come from me.” He shook his head. “I have a bit of a battle going on, Anna, I’m so afraid that if I become more involved with you and our marriage, it will take away from my mission, my goal in life, to please God by serving him in the best way I can.”

  “How would giving me an occasional hug stop your mission?” Anna asked.

  “It’s hard to explain. It has a lot to do with Lida Swanson, and a vow I made when I entered the seminary.”

  “I don’t think I’ve met her yet.” Anna said.

  “No, you wouldn’t have, Anna. She’s a girl from my past, back in Hays. I was in love with her. We went to places we shouldn’t have, physically, and it played havoc with my mind, especially when I found out what she’d done.”

  “You mean you…oh!”

  “Yes. I was a young seventeen at the time. I was a wild kid and I needed money because Lida demanded I take her places and buy her things, so I started gambling, and did very well. She was pleased. Then I gambled a few times with some unsavory characters and lost a thousand dollars. I kept trying to win it back, but ended up owing them five thousand dollars. They threatened to kill me if I didn’t pay up.

  “My sister, Julia, hid me at her friend’s house in Victoria, and I would have been safe there, but Lida sent me a message that she needed to see me as soon as possible. I thought for sure she was going to tell me she was with child. All the way to her house I felt like such an idiot. I had no business getting intimate when I was only seventeen and Lida only sixteen. Now both our lives would be ruined. I felt the guilt of the world on my shoulders the whole ride to Hays. I imagined being married at seventeen, and becoming a father at eighteen. Not only did I not have a job, but I was also thousands of dollars in debt and had killers hunting me down—I was sick inside.

  “When I got there, she met me on the front porch and made up some flimsy excuse for why she wanted to see me, something about what color dress should she wear to the next barn dance, or some other trivial matter. Before I could enjoy the great relief I felt because she wasn’t in a family way, the men I owed money to rode up, stopped in front of her house, and shot me in the shoulder. They threatened me again, and rode off. I thought it was a coincidence that they'd found me at her house, but when I wrote to her after I'd moved to Abilene, she never answered, and I sort of figured it out. She was the one who'd turned me in. They'd probably paid her to do it, too.

  “During the days I was in bed recuperating, I had time to think, I mean, really think of the mess I almost made of my life. The shot didn’t hurt half as much as the feeling I had riding to Hays to see Lida and get the news she was increasing. I was so relieved that her news hadn't been what I’d feared, that the shot in the shoulder hardly fazed me.

  “Ever since then I’ve kept away from romance, and I turn to God for all of my needs. I discovered that I had a good brain, learned quickly, and my concentration was excellent, without the distractions of love and satisfying physical needs. I found creative energy like never before, and I read somewhere, other than the Bible, that it was from being celibate, so I chose that lifestyle. I even vowed to God that I’d remain unmarried and adopt celibacy as a way of life to serve him better. So far, he’s blessed me.”

  “What did you do about the five thousand dollars?” Anna asked.

  “A wonderful man who was wealthy and very generous bailed me out,” he said.

  “Caleb?” she asked.

  He nodded.

  “Thank you for explaining, but I still don’t understand how my kissing you on the cheek to show appreciation could hurt your concentration,” she said.

  “It makes my past with Lida and all my mistakes come back to haunt me, and it makes me remember the type of man I was before accepting God,” he said. “It’s distracting to be reminded of how badly I behaved before I knew God. Sometimes the little signs of affection, like a kiss on the cheek, tempt me to go where I promised I would never go again. ”

  “I see,” she said. “Could you tell me exactly what I can and can’t do, then?” she asked. “I want to be what God said when he made Eve. I want to be your help mate and I can’t if I keep doing things that distract you from your ministry.”

  Billy looked into her innocent, widened brown eyes, and felt something move him, deep inside, like how he'd felt his stomach lurch when he rode his homemade sled down a steep hill, that exhilarating feel in the pit of his stomach from the ride.

  “You’re fine, Anna. You’re not doing anything wrong. It's me. I have to work this out by myself. I promise not to scold you for anything like a kiss on the cheek, or a hug, or whatever else you need to do to show your appreciation ever again. I will work on my shortcomings, because I have to. I really want to be closer to you. I liked hugging you, too. I also liked the kiss on the cheek. I like you—a lot more than I’d ever thought possible.” He patted her hand again. “You are perfect. Don’t change a thing. If anyone needs to work on changing anything, it should be me, not you.”

  In the morning, Billy had several counseling appointments, so he had to leave the house early. In his haste, he forgot his satchel containing all of his notes, his Bible and other books, but Anna ran out to the buggy with it.

  “Billy,” she called, “don't you need these?”

  He was just about to climb up onto the buggy when he heard her call. He turned around and saw her running toward him with the satchel. She looked so pretty with her sleepy eyes, bare feet, and the worried look she wore.

  “Thank you, Anna. I’d have had to come back for these, and then I would have been late for my first appointment had you not come out with it. You definitely are my right rib, and the best wife,” he said. When she smiled at his words, he reached out and hugged her. Without thinking, he kissed her cheek. His action seemed to surprise her as much as it did him; he hadn’t planned on kissing her.

  “I’m sorry, Anna. I got carried away with my appreciation.”

  “It’s okay.” She giggled a bit. “I know how that feels.”

  “Yes, I suppose you do, but you’re kind enough not to chastise me for it.”

  Anna stepped back. “Have a wonderful day, and I hope your counseling sessions go well.”

  She turned and sped back into the house, leaving him with feelings of confusion.

  He mounted the buggy and pointed it toward town, trying to figure out what had made him do what he’d just done, as it was so unlike him. Was it Satan tempting him in order to complicate his life and ministry? Or was it God showing him that he could be married, and still be creative and concentrate on his job? A life without celibacy—the thought alone made his body respond. He suddenly didn’t want to be celibate anymore.

  Was it Satan, or just plain love for Anna? He prayed the rest of the way to church. He had to clear his mind of his own problems so he'd be able to
concentrate on the problems of others.

  His first client was a man named McKenzie. The man looked startled when he entered Billy’s office.

  “Where’s Reverend Martin?” he asked.

  “He’s no longer here.” Billy extended his hand. “I’m Reverend William Croft.”

  “I have to leave, then,” the man said, and he walked to the door. “I can’t go through telling all of my problems again. Did Martin keep a file on me so you could see what my problems were?” he asked.

  “No. We don’t keep files on people. The nature of our discussion is too confidential,” Billy said. “I’m a good listener,” he prompted.

  The man looked confused, relented, and then took a seat.

  “And whatever I tell you goes no further than this room?” he asked.

  Billy held up his right hand. “Honest.”

  “I have an overactive libido. If an attractive woman touches me I go crazy and I can’t control myself. I was fine when I was married. My wife kept my libido in check, but now I can’t control it. Martin worked with me for months. He had me learning to be touched without reacting, but since the person who did the touching wasn’t attractive to me, it just didn’t work.

  “To make matters worse, I’m a Christian man, and I pray and I pray but Satan is stronger than I am.” Gavin McKenzie wiped tears from his eyes. “I can’t ever have a normal courtship, and I can’t marry without a courtship. I don’t know what to do.

  “I was supposed to come back and see Martin and let him know how I was doing, but since his ideas failed, I didn’t come back. I can no longer live with the knowledge that I’ve raped someone.”

  Billy tried not to react, but he did clench his fists under the desk to keep from gasping and throwing the man out. Was this part of a minister’s counseling? Did he have to like this man and help him when all he wanted to do was call the constable?

  “I see,” was all Billy could manage to say. What advice could he possibly give this man? He ran all the Bible verses he’d ever memorized through his head, but none of them covered this problem.

  “Mr. McKenzie, I minister to the soul and the heart, not the mind. You need to see someone who specializes in psychiatric problems. You may have to travel to St. Louis or Chicago, but you really need professional help, and not from a minister of God. You probably know the Bible as well as I do.”

  “I’ll take your advice and try to seek help. Thank you,” he said on his way to the door.

  “If this act is troubling you more than you can handle, perhaps you should consider turning yourself over to the constable.”

  “I’ll deal with it.” He walked out and closed the door behind him.

  Billy took a deep breath. He’d just talked with a rapist who he was sure was the one the constable in Abilene was looking for, but he couldn’t say a word. What if he'd tried to rape Julia or Anna? He hands formed fists again. Did he really have to keep quiet about this? What if his sister or wife’s life depended on it? What about his next victim?

  Chapter 10

  Try as he might, Billy couldn’t get McKenzie off his mind. What a way to spoil a day that had started out so well.

  His next session was with a married couple, Sarah and Edward Phillips.

  Sarah began, “I want a divorce. I hate this man.” She pointed at Edward.

  Edward smirked and said, “Tell her preacher. The man is the head of the home, and when I tell her to do something, she ought to do it and not complain. Tell her that God made the husband the head of the house, and she is to obey me.”

  Billy felt a headache coming on. He really was beginning to dislike the counseling duties that came with the job.

  “Hold on,” Billy said. “There’s a verse in Ephesians that is misunderstood, perhaps even misinterpreted by most. Here is what God said: 'Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.'”

  Edward nudged Sarah. “See, there! I told you.”

  Sarah sat with her arms folded over her chest and simply frowned at him.

  “Now wait, Edward,” Billy said. “You can’t take one or two verses from the Bible and let them stand alone. You must read the whole of it. It goes on to say more: ‘Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for it.’ Now, the important part, Edward: ‘So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.’”

  “Huh?” Edward said. “What does all that mean?”

  “People interpret the first verse without reading the rest, that's the problem,” Billy said. “If a man treats his wife as Christ treats the Church, or as you love your own body, she will gladly reverence her husband. In other words, Edward if you love your wife and treat her as Christ treats the Church He loves, then she’ll willingly obey you and love you back. You have to do your part, too.”

  “I do?” he said.

  “Marriage isn’t a one way street. It’s two people coming together to make a family that makes the marriage a success. Giving your wife orders and treating her like a dog will only turn her heart away from you. You have to do your part and hers will come naturally. If I had to interpret this in my own words,” Billy said, “I’d say that if I love and treat my wife the same as I treat myself, she’d willingly be glad to do things for me without my having to demand a thing.”

  “The Bible really says all that?” Edward said.

  “It’s in Ephesians 5,” Billy said.

  “Does God say what will happen if a man doesn’t do that?” Edward asked.

  “He doesn’t say, but I imagine the wife will eventually get tired of being browbeaten and stop loving him, maybe even leave him,” Billy said.

  Edward looked at his wife with a child-like expression. “Can we start over, Sarah? I was just being the kind of husband that my father was. It’s all I knew how to be.”

  “I’ll give you one more chance, Edward. One more, and that’s it.” Sarah stood and walked to the door. “Thank you, Reverend Croft.”

  Gavin McKenzie’s confession haunted Billy. If he were to rape another woman, he didn’t know what he’d do. He could turn the man in, and no more women would be raped, yet he knew he was held by a confidentiality rule, tying the hands of clergy. He’d no doubt lose sleep over this one.

  After McKenzie had left, Billy thought of all the things he should have told him—why hadn’t he thought of those things while he was still sitting in his office? He didn’t even know where to contact him, should he have the need.

  When his counseling sessions were finally over, he was relieved. He wasn’t sure if he could handle any more. He headed home, actually looking forward to going there. It was his home, it was comfortable, and it was where Anna would be waiting for him.

  Anna walked on a cloud all day, and all because her husband had hugged her, and kissed her on the cheek. How good it felt to have someone care about you, and appreciate you. She felt like she’d been suddenly yanked from one life and dropped into another. Such a thing could only have been God’s doing. She vowed to thank Him daily for giving her this new life, and she asked if He would guide her to be the perfect minister’s wife so she'd be able to stay in this life, and make Billy happy.

  She knew that in order to be the perfect wife to Billy she had to learn how to read, and quickly. She spent most of the day practicing and actually finished the one book Violet had given her. She’d read it at least twelve times that day alone.

  When Violet came, she read the book from cover to cover for her. The book was a children's book about cats from different countries.

  “That’s wonderful, Anna,” Violet said. “And you read quickly, and never stumbled on a single word. I can see you’ve b
een practicing. You’ll love reading. I just finished Stevenson’s new book, called Treasure Island. It was amazing.”

  “How long before I can read that one?” Anna asked.

  “At the rate you’re going, not long at all.”

  “Where’s Miles?” Anna asked.

  “He dropped me off. He’s gone to town to see if there’s any news on those rapes. He won’t let me go into town, even to shop. Jonas won’t let Ivy go to town, either. Of course, Miles has always been overly protective of me, but this time he has real cause to be,” she said. “I supposed it’s understandable after what happened to me.”

  “What happened? If you’re at liberty to say, that is,” Anna added.

  “A man I met while working in Salina tried to rape me, twice, but Miles was there to rescue me both times. It’s a long story, but Miles is sure this same man is the Abilene rapist. We never told anyone about the attacks, even though we probably should have, but Miles is reporting it now, so the law can question him, at least.”

  “That must have been scary!” Anna said. “I’ve come close, myself, when some of my mother’s suitors made passes and grabbed at me. My mother fended them off and then started doing business outside of our home, so I'd be safe.”

  “Business?” Violet asked.

  “My mother was a prostitute,” Anna said.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry Anna. But I’m glad you were never raped. I came close, and it had a traumatic effect on me. It took me a while to allow my husband his rights after we married, I was that traumatized. I can’t imagine coping with it, had he completed the act.”

  Anna shivered. “What will we read today?”

  “I have another book. It's still a children’s book, but it’s a bit more advanced. I love the way you’ve learned to sound out words you don’t know,” Violet said, taking a book from her cloth bag.