Flip My Life

by Jennifer Foor

  “I never knew. Your father never mentioned it.” Clarke notices the bulldog tattoo on his bicep. His story is true and frightening. He’d left everything he cared about behind to volunteer his life for the country. He gave his blood, sweat, and tears, never knowing how much he was giving up.

  “Dad probably didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already had. He always cared a great deal about you. He told me to never let you go.”

  She has to look away when he says it. It’s a painful subject she’d rather not think about while standing in front of Eli. “You said you wanted to finish telling me everything. I don’t have a lot of time. I’m expected home within the hour.”

  Eli sits back down. He’s still shirtless, beautiful, and more than she could ever imagine him to be. Clarke silently wishes he would tell her something to make her repulsed. She needs a reason to stop thinking about him the way she is this very moment.

  He can’t be a hero. There’s no way he’s innocent in all of the shit she’s had to go through. It’s impossible to assume he knew nothing about her pregnancy.

  What Clarke doesn’t understand is that he’s about to confess his deepest darkest secret, and after she hears it nothing can ever be the same.

  Eli takes his time. He doesn’t want to blurt out what he’s been holding hostage within for so long. It’s particularly troubling to know he’s about to hurt Clarke even more than he already has. Once she hears this, once it’s said out loud, the pain of the last six years might be a little more bearable.

  He tries to reach over and take her hand, but Clarke pulls away. She can’t allow herself to take pity on the man, no matter what he has to tell her. “Just say it. The clock is ticking, Eli. You got me here. You convinced me this was worth my time when you and I both know whatever you have to say isn’t going to change anything. We were over a long time ago. You destroyed that when you left me. I hope you understand that.”

  “I do. Trust me. I know exactly what I did to the people I love.”

  Clarke notices he doesn’t use the word in past tense. She tries to let it go as a slip of tongue, but shoves the thought somewhere so not to dwell on it. “I’m not trying to come off as a bitch. It’s taken me a long time to be able to look at myself in the mirror and accept that I wasn’t the reason you left. In fact, in the past couple weeks I’ve been able to put a lot of my unanswered questions to rest. You’re here. You’re alive and well. You’ve obviously made a good life for yourself. I’m happy for you. At least, I’m trying to be. It’s hard when I can remember the pain of you leaving like it was yesterday.”

  “You think it was easy for me to walk away from what we had? God, not a second went by where I didn’t want to run right back to you and face my demons head on. I stayed away because I knew in the long run it would come back and bite me in the ass, and I’d lose you anyway. I left hoping you’d hate me, because I’d rather you felt that way than see me as a sick coward.”

  Clarke continues to run scenarios in her head. “Speak English. Say whatever it is you’re holding in. No judgment. Just tell me so I can be done with this charade.”

  It’s this type of response that Eli is trying to avoid. Sullen, and riddled with a truth he’ll never change, he looks directly into her eyes and prepares to deliver the news that will make the hate she feels intensify. There’s no telling how she’s going to react, but it won’t be good.

  “There’s no easy way to say this. Before I do, I need you to promise you won’t tell anyone. I’m only sharing it with you, because you deserve to know why I ruined our relationship. You need to hear it from me once and for all. You need to know how I could love you and walk away from that.”

  Clarke is fighting to keep her composure with the ‘L’ word being addressed as much as it is. “I promise.”

  Eli runs his hands through his dark hair while beginning. “It all goes back to Siobhan and her relationship with my father. From early on people suspected she was in it for the financial security he could offer. When Dad began to question her I suppose she got desperate. She convinced herself that if she had his child he’d never turn his back on her. I’d like to think she cared deeply for him. Siobhan is a beautiful woman. She’s smart, but she’s also a sneaky bitch. She’s used to getting what she wants.”

  Clarkes blue eyes widen. “Did you have an affair?”

  “What?” Eli shakes his head and looks like he’s about to puke. “No. She repulsed me. I’d never willingly sleep with her, especially not when she’s married to my father.”

  “Sorry, I had to ask.”

  “It’s fine.” He takes a second to get back on track. “The problem was no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t conceive. The marriage was starting to fall apart. Dad began going on hunting trips for weeks at a time, which put a damper on her plans to get knocked up.”

  “Obviously she managed fine.”

  “Like I said before, Jonny isn’t my father’s biological son.”

  “You caught her with another man?” Clarke stipulates.

  “I didn’t know what happened at first. I remember coming home from a party, that one Matt Hauser threw when his parents were out of town. Do you remember it?”

  “Yes.”

  “I shouldn’t have been driving. Luckily I made it home in one piece. Siobhan was up waiting for me. She’d been crying and had gone through a bottle of wine before I arrived. I told her I was going to crash, and she asked me to do one shot with her. What harm would it do?”

  “I think I know where this is going.” She feels the bile rising in her throat. Her handsome, protective boyfriend. Not Eli. This can’t be right.

  “I don’t know what she put in that shot, Clarke. All I know is I woke up the next morning naked on the living room floor with her beside me.”

  Clarke stands. It’s too much, even after the years that have passed. “You want me to believe…”

  He cuts her off. “It’s true. I never cheated on you, not like you assume. That bitch drugged me. I don’t remember anything, but I know damn well I wouldn’t do that. As soon as I realized where I was I quickly got up and started screaming at her. I wanted answers. I thought it was some sick joke so she could manipulate me into doing her dirty work. I figured she wanted something to hold over my head. I’d been partially right. To this day I don’t know what happened that night. I know it did, but it’s hard to fathom. She tells me one thing, but I can’t bring myself to believe I’d do it. No drug in the world could make me want that bitch.”

  “I have to go.”

  Clarke is charging the door like her life depends on it. Eli races over and stops her before she’s able to escape. “Don’t go.” Clarke looks up to see that his eyes are glossed over. She’s never seen Eli get emotional and something breaks inside of her. “Please, Clarke. I know this is hard to hear, but you need to consider how difficult it is to talk about.”

  She has to look away. Being this close makes her vulnerable. “Just finish the story so I can get the hell away from you.”

  Feeling utterly defeated, Eli knows he’s running out of time. Either way he’s lost Clarke. This will change nothing, but at least she’ll know. At least someone will know the real truth.

  “Siobhan took pictures that night. She made sure to have enough on me that I’d have to protect myself, from losing you and my dad. I couldn’t let what she did ruin everything I had, or destroy my father. I just wanted to forget it ever happened.”

  “That party happened months before you left town.”

  “I know. I know it did, Clarke. I know exactly when I got into bed with devil. I also know when she made the announcement of her pregnancy. She and my dad had gone away for the weekend. They came back all happy and in love. He was so damn excited to be a father again. It took me a couple hours to put two and two together, and even then I was in denial. Every time she was near I was sick to my stomach. How could she look at my dad, sleep with him every night, and know what she’d done to me. So I decided I was going to tell him
. It would be better to hear it from me than his lying wife. I didn’t want him stuck in a marriage with a monster. The night I asked him for a moment alone, she intervened. He’d had to run out to sign something for a project he’d been working on, some volunteer event he was sponsoring. Siobhan cornered me. She was acting so defensive, and when I wouldn’t give in she slapped with news I never wanted to hear. She threatened me. She told me I’d send my dad to an early grave, and that I’d lose you forever, because she’d make sure to show you the photos. She even acted out how she’d make herself the victim. When I couldn’t understand how she could be so cruel it all finally hit me. She had her own secret to protect. You see, with my father being gone for weeks at a time, it interfered with her ovulation cycle. She hadn’t planned on me being drunk that night. I’m not saying she’s a victim, because she’s not. Siobhan delivered a month early, a healthy, full term baby boy. She was already showing when she told my dad the news. I was suspicious, but I waited to give her the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know why. I guess I was too consumed with guilt and the fear of losing you and my dad that I pretended nothing happened. Curiosity got the best of me. I started looking back at that night, the date particularly. It was eating at me, so much that I was panicking every second of every day. It was the kind of sick shit you hear about in movies. I kept telling myself it was one time and impossible. I didn’t want to think it. One day I got a hair up my ass and started going through Siobhan’s meticulously filed paperwork. She managed the money and got the mail every day. For all I knew, my dad never looked at the stuff. He trusted her. I found records of Siobhan seeing a doctor a month before she delivered the news of her pregnancy. Not only that, I found documentation that they’d been seeing a fertility specialist after failing to conceive. There was a lab letter with results from a test Dad had done saying my father’s sperm count was extremely low. I pulled the copy and confronted her. I knew as soon as I started that I’d discovered her plan, her lie. That’s when she threatened me. She threatened to tell everyone I raped her. She knew it would destroy me, my future, not just with you, but with this town and the people who saw me as the hero football star. She was blackmailing me and I didn’t know what to do. There wasn’t anyone that would believe me over her, not even you, Clarke.”

  She knows he’s right. Had he come to her with this, she would have dumped him on the spot and hated him even more than she does now. Clarke can’t respond. She feels betrayed and angry, but at the same time worried what Eli will say next. “That’s when you decided to leave?”

  “I suspected the baby was mine. God, it made me so sick. I wanted her to have an abortion. I begged her to reconsider what she was doing. I told her I couldn’t live with the lie. All hell broke loose. After that there was no room for resolution. I had to leave. I couldn’t wait out the pregnancy. I couldn’t be a part of a kid’s life that was created through some twisted plan. I wanted no part of it.”

  Clarke needs to hear it from Eli’s lips. “Is Jonathan yours, Eli?”

  “I didn’t want to believe it. I stayed away. I’d seen pictures, but never met the kid. Dad loved him so much.” Eli begins to lose it. Standing only inches apart, he begins to sob while covering his face with his hands. Overwhelmed with sadness he can no longer hold back, Clarke falls victim to her own heart. She wraps her arms around Eli and holds him while he comes to terms with the truth.

  While standing there, Clarke thinks about her own pregnancy, and how the confrontation with Siobhan all makes sense now. She knows why the woman lied about Eli, and that she’d stop at nothing to make sure her secret stayed buried.

  Eli is the first to pull away. He’s back at the sink splashing water on his red face. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  He doesn’t turn to look at her. He knows doing so would give him unimaginable guilt. “You got your truth, Clarke. Now you know.”

  “Eli –.”

  She doesn’t know what to say. It’s all jumbled up, and until she can process it she’s too confused to react.

  “Don’t say anything. There’s no need.”

  “How do you know he’s yours? She could have slept with a number of guys to get pregnant.”

  “Have you looked at the kid, Clarke? He’s an exact duplicate of me. I look like my mother. The dates add up. I used one of those fertility calendars from the date of her delivery and got the date of conception. It was three days off from the night in question. My dad wasn’t even in the country.”

  “It could be coincidence.”

  “She was tracking her ovulation.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  Eli sighs heavily and shakes his head. “I thought I could go back to Louisiana and pretend my fears were just in my head, but after spending time with the kid I know in my heart he’s mine. I just do. I can’t explain it. He’s my family; the only person I have left. I can’t let him be raised by that woman without some other form of guidance. He needs me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I’m going to do a DNA test, and when I have the results I’m going to fight for custody. I’m done running away, Clarke. I don’t care who I have to go through to get my life back. I’ll take her down if I have to. I’ll tell the whole world what she did. This time she won’t hold the truth over my head. There’s no one left to hide it from.”

  Clarke nods, but worries what this could mean. “So you’re staying in Georgia?”

  “For the time being, yes.”

  She reaches over and touches his hand with hers. “Thank you for telling me. I’ve waited a long time to hear it. It never made sense, you leaving me behind.”

  “You’re the biggest mistake, Clarke. I know it’s too late for us. I fucked up so bad. Just know, what we had was real. It was everything to me. If things were different my ring would be on your finger and we’d have our own children together.”

  Clarke manages a smile knowing she needs to leave quickly. She’s holding her own secrets now, and the longer Eli stays the closer he gets to finding them out. “I have to go home.”

  He nods. This changes nothing, but he feels like a weight has been lifted off his conscience. Now he just needs to take the next steps to verifying his suspicions and making sure that child knows it.

  Chapter 16

  Clarke makes it back to the diner before she parks and lets years worth of anxiety and heartache take her to the lowest place she’s ever been. It’s only in the darkness that she realizes the extent of one person’s actions. This isn’t about a failed teenage romance. Innocent children are involved, one of them being her own son. It’s bad enough Eli plans on staying because of Jonathan. If and when he discovers there’s another child, there’s no telling what will happen. In order to protect her son, her upcoming marriage to Tim, and the future they have planned, Clarke knows she has to stay away from Eli.

  She also knows what she has to do to ensure Eli never catches up to her. This time she’s going to be the one leaving. Now her only roadblock is convincing Tim before it’s too late.

  One thing Clarke never considered was that Eli would come back to town and be the man she always wanted him to be. Even after hearing what he’d done, and how it happened, she still wanted to believe it wasn’t true. It was difficult to wrap her head around it, though she knew it all made sense. A part of her aches for Eli what endured to protect his father. He went to great lengths to give his father the son he could no longer be. The fact that he’d walked away from his own flesh and blood told Clarke how much family means to him. He hadn’t left because he was a coward. Contrary to her original thoughts, now she finds his actions honorable. He sacrificed his own happiness for the people he loved. Not many people would do that, none that she knows.

  Tim is up pacing when Clarke opens the door. He’s alarmed, almost frantic as he saunters over and pulls her into his arms. This is the exact comfort she needs, but it feels wrong. It’s like her heart and her soul are having an inner battle. As much as Clark
e loves Tim, his loving arms aren’t what she needs to feel better. In fact, he’s the last person she can talk to about this. As far as Tim is concerned, her son’s father walked out on her a long time ago. He has no idea the man’s been back, right under his nose, paying her visits, and asking for more time.

  By no means has Clarke cheated, yet it still feels as if she’s betraying his trust by carrying on this lie behind his back. She’s never been the sneaky type, albeit Tyler isn’t someone she’s ready to share. Not yet. Not until she’s able to really understands the depths of the situation and figure out a solution. Without that she knows Tim would only be filled with worry. Clarke knows she needs to be able to look him in the eyes and promise her devotion. At this very moment she’s afraid it would come off as unsure. This causes her break down. Being deceitful makes everything feel like it’s falling apart. She wants to hold onto something good and never let it go, but her own conscience won’t let her heart let go of a man she once loved with everything she had to give.

  Maybe if they didn’t share a son it would be easier to walk away. Perhaps if she never learned the awful truth she could have moved forward without trepidation.

  Tim pulls away and wipes her tears. “Why are you crying? You didn’t answer your phone. I was so worried.”

  “I ran into an old friend and learned one of his parents passed away leaving a small boy Tyler’s age. I guess time slipped away as we spoke. I tried to be strong, but my emotions are getting the best of me when I imagine that boy growing up without a father.”

  She did it. She lied to his face and found it easy. The story isn’t that far from the truth. At least she was able to manage that much.

  Tim is sympathetic. He takes her hand and leads her onto the couch. His kisses promise comfort and support, and even though Clarke is aware of where she is and who she’s with, her mind is still with Eli. It’s a tough realization for her. She wanted these answers. She prayed that God would bring her the truth someday. She even begged him to bring Eli back to her. Like gravity, what goes up, must come down. This can’t end well. “You know how we keep looking for the perfect place to buy in town?”