Anyone for Me?

by Fiona Cassidy

  “Nothing, pet. Everything’s fine.” She forced a smile which looked more like a grimace and didn’t fool me in the slightest. My mother was one of those cheerful annoying types who smile permanently, so for her to be putting on a happy front was very worrying indeed.

  Just at that moment I sensed my mother tensing beside me and at the same time noticed her gaze travel to where a lone track-suited figure was strolling past the house and blatantly staring in.

  “Who the bloody hell is that?” I demanded, knowing instinctively that this person was the source of my mother’s discomfiture.

  “No one, love,” she answered unconvincingly.

  “Oh, look, there’s a pig flying over your head wearing sunglasses,” I retorted. “Come on, Mammy. Spill. Now. What’s troubling you? And what exactly is that silly cow staring at?” I clenched my fists and stepped towards the person who was continuing to peer at the cottage from the trees at the side of the road.

  “Don’t, Ruby,” Mammy said in alarm. “Say nothing.”

  “Say nothing about what, Mother?”

  “That’s the new hotel owner’s daughter. She’s been walking past here a lot. I feel like she’s sizing the place up for its potential value. She’s quite sinister-looking and makes me nervous. But it’s probably nothing. Just a case of your silly mammy being paranoid in her old age.”

  I didn’t think my mother was being paranoid nor did I think she was being in any way silly or unreasonable and I also agreed with her as far as the sinister hotel owner’s daughter (who was asking for a kicking) was concerned.

  “So what’s annoying you then or rather who has annoyed you?” Mammy said, swiftly changing the subject and studying me intently.

  I didn’t answer her (delaying tactics to put off the inevitable ‘Ruby, why do you always overreact?’ speech for as long as possible).

  I looked away. “Luke hired a wedding planner.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “So who’s annoyed you then?”

  “Luke has annoyed me, Mother.”

  “By getting someone to help organise your wedding? Why on earth has that annoyed you? I would have thought that you would have been pleased. You’re not exactly the most girlie of girls and planning has never been your strong point.”

  I sighed and resisted the urge to lie down on the ground and kick my legs in the air like a frustrated toddler in a supermarket. Why did no one understand me? It wasn’t just that I disliked the thought of being bossed around by a neon-coloured lunatic. I was also heartily disappointed that his surprise hadn’t been my birth mother. Why had Luke put finding me a stupid wedding planner in front of helping me find my mother?

  I had told my tale of woe (omitting the adoption saga) to the woman who had sat down in front of me on the coach on the way to Letterkenny this morning (I didn’t take the car as I was afraid in my current mood that road rage might turn into road kill) and she had looked at me as if I was a possessed eejit and then moved seats to sit beside a group of women at the back who all regarded me warily before whispering and giggling together. (Obviously that was before I had also moved to the back of the bus to snarl and stare menacingly at them until they got off. Two stops early.)

  Mammy unlocked the door leading into her small shop and proceeded to empty the bags of flour into a large barrel and pick through the fruit and vegetables until she had them in two piles whilst I plonked myself on a stool and watched.

  “Apples for apple tarts and crumbles, plums for plum-and-almond tart, strawberries for Pavlova, lemons and limes for Citrus Surprise and blueberries, blackcurrants and raspberries for Summer Pudding,” she said aloud whilst writing out a list. “I’m going to try a few new things as well,” she added excitedly. “I found a lovely recipe for vegetarian bake so I’m going to try it and I’m also going to make sun-dried tomato and goat’s cheese tarts as well. I had a woman in here last week giving out because I only made meat pies and apparently that’s being racist against vegetarians. Did you ever hear the like of it?”

  I smiled weakly and turned away.

  “Ruby?” Mammy was looking at me sadly now. “Why are you so unhappy? You’re normally such a jovial person. I’ve been speaking to you a few times this week and you haven’t been yourself at all. Are you and Luke having problems? I think he’s a lovely young man but I wouldn’t like you to go rushing into anything only to regret it later. Did you have a fight? Is that why he got you a wedding planner? Was it a making-up present?”

  I clenched my teeth until my jaw threatened to explode with the tension. “The wedding planner is not a present and if he was I’d be taking him straight back to where heshe came from and declaring him faulty in the extreme and an insult to trading standards. I’ve just had things on my mind lately. Luke and I are or were fine until he brought him near me. I think he thought he was doing something nice. I don’t think he realised how hurt or upset I’d be.”

  “I’ll bet that he’ll be deeply saddened now it seems to have backfired on him. You really do have a terribly quick temper, Ruby. God knows where you get it from because you certainly weren’t brought up in a cross environment. Our house was always lovely and calm and serene.”

  I scowled and sat on my hands lest they bunched themselves into fists which always happened at the slightest provocation.

  “Rogue genes,” I muttered crossly.

  “Pardon.”

  “Rogue genes,” I announced loudly. “Perhaps it’s in the blood. Maybe I come from a long line of overreacters with bad-tempered tendencies, in which case growing up in a tranquil house would have had no effect. I’ll find out soon enough, I’m sure.”

  As soon as I had said the words, I instantly regretted them. Mammy was looking at me with concern which swiftly changed to annoyance when the realisation of what I had just said sank in.

  “Soon enough, Ruby? What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that you never know what the future might hold,” I faltered. (Could somebody please give me back my shovel so I can dig my way out of the hole I’ve just dug?)

  “I see,” Mammy said, looking grim. “Have you been making enquiries then?”

  I was going to blatantly lie but found I couldn’t. Not about this and not to my mother.

  “I do know some things but not a lot. I have my birth certificate.”

  “You what?” she shrieked, throwing the courgette she had in her hand down on the counter and glaring at me furiously. “Why would you do such a thing and why now?”

  “I’ve had it for a long time, Mammy,” I said gently. “There just wasn’t a good time to pursue it for one reason or another but now that I’m older and getting married and feel more in control –” (who was I trying to kid?) “– I thought it would be a good time to investigate. It’s nothing against you, Mammy. I just have questions. Questions that with the best will in the world you can’t answer for me.”

  I looked at Mammy, hoping that now I had tried to explain it she might be a bit more understanding, but found that her mouth was set in a hard rigid line.

  “I don’t want you to look for her, Ruby. She doesn’t deserve you.”

  “You can’t expect me not to want to find out, Mammy, and what do you mean she doesn’t deserve me? What do you know?”

  Mammy opened her mouth whilst I held my breath and then she sharply closed it again. “I don’t know anything but you’ve survived this long without her so I’m sure you could live another while without pursuing this. It’s for your own good, Ruby. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Why would I get hurt, Mammy?”

  “You mark my words. You’ll be hurt.”

  “How do you know I’ll be hurt? What are you basing this assumption on?”

  I had never seen Mammy looking so furious before and her lack of understanding or empathy both shocked and surprised me and led me to the conclusion that she knew more than she was willing to say.

  “You haven’t answered me, Mammy.”<
br />
  “Ruby, you’re just going to have to trust me on this.”

  “I’d trust you a lot more if you weren’t quite obviously keeping things from me.”

  “Ruby, I don’t wish to talk about this any more. I’m busy and I wasn’t expecting you to be here this evening.”

  “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted,” I said, feeling stung. “I’m going to go out for a walk.” I was hoping that maybe, if I gave her time to think, she would come round to the idea.

  “You do that and do yourself a favour and phone that poor boy and tell him you’re sorry for reacting the way you did. Good men are hard to find. I should know. Your father was one in a million, the best husband in the world and a perfect father to you. You couldn’t have found better if you had picked him yourself.”

  I felt a sharp intake of breath when she talked about Daddy in that way and knew that she was doing it entirely for my benefit, given the current conversation. I knew I was lucky. I also knew when my mother was hiding things from me and I was determined to find out why she was.

  Chapter 11

  When I left the shop the sun had started to set, making it a beautiful evening. A perfect night for a walk with your lover, I thought, giving in to my sentimental soppy side for a few seconds (yes, I do possess a tiny one). My stomach lurched as I thought of Luke and how horrible I had been to him. He had only been trying to help me so that I could focus on finding my mother which was something he knew was very important to me. It was unfortunate that the aptly named ‘Gay’ was the sort of person who made me want to dance in annoyance before turning psychotic but that wasn’t Luke’s fault. Even thinking about him made me shudder. I wanted a low-key wedding day where the most important event would take place at the altar. Now it was in danger of becoming a frilly circus performance. Don’t get me wrong, I did want to look nice and was pleased to be giving Frankie the opportunity to dress up and to see my little goddaughter in a flower-girl’s outfit, but I was dreading it being turned into one of the cringe-worthy over-the-top performances that I had scoffed at in the past. This was my day, therefore it should be done the way I wanted it and to my specific tastes (or, put like that, maybe not).

  I took out my mobile and dialled Luke’s number. It only rang once before he answered it in a breathless panicked voice.

  “Ruby, is that you? I’ve been worried sick.”

  I felt like hanging up and running away.

  “Yes, it’s me. It’s the silly cow who’s had time to think, is sorry she upset you but who still wants the wedding planner shot.”

  There was silence.

  “Luke, are you still there?”

  “I’m here,” he answered gently. “Are you all right? Where are you?”

  “I’m fine. I’m in my mother’s and I’ve just made a huge muck-up of things here.”

  I heard him take a deep breath (deep breathing was required a lot when in my company).

  “What’s happened?”

  “Oh, nothing much. I just inadvertently told my mother that I intended searching for my birth mother in the near future.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yes, the fan is blowing it all around me,” I muttered. “Look, forget about my current mess for a nanosecond. What has been done about Gabriel?”

  “Nothing much, I’m afraid,” Luke said. “But I’m working on it. I went to see the bank yesterday and I’ve a good credit rating so a loan might not be out of the question.”

  “A loan for what exactly?”

  “For the two thousand pounds I need to get out of Gabriel’s contract. I’m sorry I signed it without checking with you first but I honestly thought you’d be really pleased to have someone else doing the organising for you. The way I looked at it was that, if you had Gabriel’s help, all you would have to do would be turn up on the day which is all I want from you.”

  I breathed deeply from the strain of going completely against my better judgement and willed my nerves not to implode. “Luke, don’t be getting a loan. Tell Gay Boy he can stay but he’d better do exactly as I say and not be flouncing and frilling everything up. And you can also tell him to tone down his skirts and bright pink tops. Even the thought of him makes my head hurt.”

  There was silence.

  “Luke, are you still there?” I asked impatiently.

  “Yes, Ruby. I’m just trying to take all this in. You really don’t mind?”

  “Of course I mind,” I growled. “But luckily for you I love you enough to recognise what you were trying to do and therefore am agreeing to it. But there will be conditions and, if he breaches them, a broken contract will be the least of his worries.”

  I knew that Luke was smiling down the phone at me. I could just sense it.

  “Now what am I going to do about the other little matter?” I said.

  “Leave it until I come down tomorrow,” Luke said.

  “You’re coming here?” I asked.

  “Are you walking home?” he enquired.

  “I suppose not. Besides, two heads will be better than one when it comes to finding out what is going on up in the hotel. When Mammy arrived home this evening she seemed to be flustered and the new owner’s daughter was skulking about making her feel nervous.”

  “And is she still living to tell the tale?”

  “I’m not that stupid, Luke. We’ll have to tread very carefully. I don’t want Mammy to feel in any way unhappy or intimidated even though she is behaving like the most unreasonable woman in the world at the minute.”

  I continued to walk until the hotel came into view. It was still the same building but there had been obvious changes made to it. It looked quite enticing, I supposed, as the signs had all been changed to give a rustic old-world feel and it had been given a new coat of paint. An old-style horse-drawn carriage was parked at the door, seemingly to recapture the charm and ambience that the old Manor House must have once possessed.

  On squinting in, I could see that there had been decorative alterations made to the foyer as well as a little landscaping to the grounds outside. It was also a lot busier than it had been, if the amount of cars in the car park were anything to go by. I felt uneasy, especially when I saw a face peering out at me from an upstairs window and realised before the netting was roughly tucked back into place that it was the same face that had been surveying me from behind the trees earlier.

  Chapter 12

  Mammy was nowhere to be found when I eventually returned from my walk and I could only presume that she had perhaps gone on a similar mission to clear her own head. It puzzled me that she was so dead set against the idea of me searching for Georgina as she was usually very open-minded about such things. But then again ‘things’ didn’t usually involve the daughter she had brought up as her own child for thirty-odd years and the woman who had abandoned her. I hadn’t actually meant to mention it to her. I would have chosen a good time when she would have been more receptive to such a discussion and not preoccupied with worrying about track-suit-attired nutters.

  Or would there ever have been a good time?

  I went to the fridge, poured myself a glass of wine and took it out to the garden where I sat cross-legged on the wooden floor of the gazebo and contemplated my current circumstances. I was thirty-four, getting married to a wonderful man, had a brilliant friend in Frankie and a mammy who I worshipped with the fringe benefits of getting a trip to pot-holed but lovely Donegal when I wanted to see her. Life wasn’t bad, so why was I so hung up about finding Georgina?

  I was still sitting deep in thought when I heard the front door closing. I was about to shout out a greeting and let Mammy know where I was but changed my mind when I heard a male voice as well as hers. The voices became louder and eventually came outside. I could hear the rattle of metal against concrete and the clink of glasses and knew that they were sitting on the patio furniture that was positioned at the back door of the cottage to capture the best of the sunrays during the day.

  “But why is she thinking about her real mother
? Have I done something wrong?”

  “Of course you haven’t. Ruby loves you very much, Isobel.”

  I bristled at the sound of Donal O’Donnell’s voice. How the hell did he know how I felt? What did he know about me or my mother or our relationship?

  “I don’t think you fully appreciate what we went through to get Ruby, Donal,” Mammy said in a clipped tone. “Ten years is a long time to wait for a child. A gift that other people get naturally and in most cases don’t realise how lucky they are. When we got Ruby she made us complete and she helped to heal me after the miscarriages and Baby Albert’s death.”

  Mammy began to cry and I could feel the blood draining from my face. I had heard this before but had been told it wasn’t to be talked about outside the family. Frankie and Luke didn’t even know and here she was telling bloody Donal O’Donnell.

  “We had been married barely a year when we found that I was expecting a baby, y’see. We planned ahead, making arrangements as you do, talking about names and waiting patiently for the first kick. It obviously wasn’t meant to be, though, as I lost the baby at four and a half months with no explanation to be had. I was pregnant again within the year and Albert and I silently hoped and prayed that this time things would be different. It happened earlier that time, leaving me numb and Albert feeling useless as he tried to cope with his own sadness as well as my emotional and physical pain.”

  There was a short silence and I could hear Mammy sniffing. I hardly dared to breathe.

  “My last pregnancy is the hardest to think about. I carried our baby son full term. I was so excited and so proud of myself. I felt him kick, stroked my belly, talked to him and sang him songs. Albert used to put his head on my stomach and tell the baby how much he loved it and that was in the day when men weren’t sensitive and weren’t supposed to care. He lived for four hours before he died from complications caused by a heart defect. If it happened now there would probably be a cure. We buried our baby boy, named Albert after his daddy, and along with him buried a large chunk of ourselves. I couldn’t possibly have gone through the trauma and loss and disappointment again so we decided to give all the love we had reserved for our own child to someone else’s who needed it just as badly.”