Anyone for Me?

by Fiona Cassidy

  The tears were now coursing down my cheeks and I prayed that they wouldn’t hear me as it felt irreverent to be eavesdropping on such an emotional outburst.

  “The adoption process was so laborious. You almost felt like you were on trial with people calling unexpectedly to inspect your home and endless forms and red tape. I’ll never forget the day they told us that we had fulfilled the requirements of their rigorous criteria and I will certainly never forget the day that they told us they had a baby for us. They told us that a little girl, already named Ruby, had been put up for adoption. We were told there was no hope of the mother ever changing her mind which was sad in one way but made us extremely happy.” Mammy stopped talking and a strangled sob escaped from her.

  “It’s all right, love,” I could hear Donal saying gently.

  I peeped around the side of the wooden gazebo and saw him slip his arm tenderly around my mother.

  “She’s obviously confused and you’re bearing the brunt of it. It’ll have all blown over by the morning. Talk tomorrow and see what it brings.”

  I bared my teeth. Again, how the hell did he know what tomorrow would bring and how dare he pretend to be an expert on my emotions! He had met me once over a vegetarian stir-fry.

  “No matter what happens, Donal, she shouldn’t need to know about the drink problems and the men who were always calling and the neglectful way in which that woman behaved towards her wee baby. No child needs to think that they were the product of that sort of lifestyle.”

  “Hush now, Isobel, we’ll not let her get hurt.”

  If I hadn’t already been on the ground I would have fallen over from the shock. The men? The drink? The neglect? The discussion with Donal O’Donnell? How could she tell him such private things? Facts that I wasn’t aware of but that were directly related to me. And what was with the “We’ll not let her get hurt”? I didn’t want his help or protection. What I really wanted was my daddy. He would have known what to do. I wanted him so much that I had a pain in my chest.

  It was dark when I heard my mother yawn and Donal get up to leave.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, pet. Try not to worry too much about everything. It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”

  I was glad that he could see because I certainly couldn’t. I was cold and tired and stiff from sitting in the one position for too long and had never been so confused in all my life.

  Chapter 13

  I sat up in bed and just about managed to quell the scream that was about to come out of my mouth. I had eventually fallen into an exhausted doze, after hours of tossing and turning, only for my sleep to be bombarded with nightmares. In this one I was being chased into a cupboard by the Irish Country singing sensation that is Daniel O’Donnell (who was delivering a rendition of ‘Nobody’s Child’ which was most frightening). I was then locked in there with a drunken woman and a crying baby who she was ignoring.

  I roughly pulled back the covers and dangled my legs over the side of the bed. What the hell was I going to do? I couldn’t let Mammy know I had overheard her conversation but I needed more information about Georgina or rather more specifically I needed to find out what Mammy knew.

  I trailed myself out of bed and padded to the kitchen in my bare feet to get a drink of water. I then sat in Mammy’s armchair by the window and watched as the first rays of sunlight painted the sky an orange-purple colour. Had I been in a different frame of mind I would probably have sketched the scene and coloured it in as a memory of the moment but my head was too full. Something was stirring in my mind. An incident that had happened years before.

  I had been doing a history project for school and needed some information about my grandparents and Mammy had told me to find some boxes in the attic where she had stored old photo albums and memorabilia from the past. I had brought several boxes down and had begun the cumbersome task of looking through them all. I found exactly what I was looking for quickly but, surprisingly, was enjoying looking at the photos and mementoes so much that I had kept going for ages.

  Several days after my history project had been handed in and I had put the boxes back in the attic, I had gone into Mammy’s bedroom looking for her. Her wardrobe door was wide open, which was unusual, and when I went to close it I noticed another interesting-looking box which was partially hidden under a shoe-rack at the bottom. More photographs or souvenirs, I thought excitedly, and pulled it out, wondering why it hadn’t been produced earlier.

  Now, I curled my feet up in the armchair and closed my eyes in an attempt to concentrate as I tried to remember the ‘secret’ box and what it had looked like. It was leather, I was nearly sure of it, with some type of design on the lid. It certainly was unusual and not at all like the other boxes. It must hold something really special, I thought as I opened it. Inside were a small teddy bear and a rubber toy along with a photograph and some bits of paper. I had been intrigued and was preparing to give the articles a closer examination when Mammy came into the room. She had been most annoyed and gave me a stern lecture about never going near her ‘private things’ and swiftly removed the box from my hands, saying that it was personal and I wasn’t to touch it. Ever. I asked her who owned the teddy bear and she muttered that it had belonged to somebody very special but said no more as she left the room with the box. Something about the whole episode scared me and I never referred to it again. Nor did I ever see that box again.

  I sat forward and then bounced up and began to pace around. That box must have had some significance or Mammy wouldn’t have been so worried about me seeing its contents. I didn’t realise it at the time but had thought of it on a few occasions in the past when I hadn’t cared as much. I was now sure that it would hold the key to me finding out more about what I needed to know. The only question was where it was and how to find it without Mammy suspecting anything.

  I woke up some hours later with Luke smattering my face with delicate kisses and immediately swatted him off.

  “Charming,” he muttered, rubbing his jaw.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I’m knackered. I’ve been up half the night. Couldn’t sleep. I only went back to bed at six o’clock and I’ve tossed and turned since.”

  “So I see,” he said looking at the duvet cover which was wrapped round me like a strait-jacket (and, yes, I might need one of those soon too).

  “I need to get Mammy out of the house for a while. Can you take her somewhere?”

  Luke eyed me suspiciously. “And what the hell am I supposed to do with her? Take her shoe shopping? Buy her a new blouse?”

  “Take her for a cup of coffee. Offer her a slice of cake and then she won’t be able to refuse. Talk about me. Reassure her that there’s nothing wrong and tell her all about the stupid wedding planner so that she doesn’t feel left out.”

  “And why will you not be there too? Why do I need to do this on my own?” he whined, using the voice of a nine-year-old girl.

  “I won’t be there because I need to go looking for a certain box that might answer questions for me and I suppose the best place to start would be in the attic but Mammy won’t know that because you’re going to tell her that I’m exhausted and need my sleep.”

  “And what if she won’t go?”

  “Of course she’ll go. It’s coffee and cake. How could she refuse?”

  “Erm, because she’s cooking up a storm downstairs. She told me that she’s making jam today and she’s down there stirring a pot that’s the size of a swimming pool.”

  “Feck,” I said crossly and fell back on my pillow. “She’ll be at that all day then and she’ll not want to leave it in case it burns. Jam burns very easily apparently. Ugh! What am I going to do?”

  “Well, if you let her make jam today then maybe she’ll be in a position to be coffeed and caked tomorrow.”

  “I can’t stay here until tomorrow, Luke. I need to get away from here and away from her.” I jabbed my thumb towards the door while Luke watched me in puzzlement.

  “I didn’t think things were th
at bad, Ruby. You’re mature adults. Surely you’re both capable of sitting down and talking about the fact that you’re interested in finding your birth mother without falling out over it?”

  “Oh, she’s interested in talking about it all right,” I said bitterly. “It’s just a pity that I’m not the person on the receiving end of the conversation. Did I ever tell you that my mother had two miscarriages or that she and Daddy had a baby son who only survived a few hours after he was born?”

  Luke obviously didn’t know what to say and was struggling to make the right response.

  “You know why I never told you or told anyone, in fact? I didn’t because Mammy and Daddy didn’t want it talked about. They’re from a generation where you sweep things under the carpet in the hope that you can convince yourself that your experiences weren’t real and bad things didn’t actually happen. They told me and me only, apparently, as an explanation as to why I was adopted in the first place but I was told that it was private. Well, guess what? It’s not a secret any more. I overheard Mammy baring her soul to her fancy man last night and telling him all about it, as well as giving him some gory details about my birth mother which she had absolutely no right to do. When I asked about Georgina all I got was a sullen silence and a load of crap about Mammy not wanting me to get hurt. She doesn’t have enough respect for me to tell me the truth even though she knows that I desperately want to find out and need answers.”

  Luke encircled me in his arms and I put my head on his shoulder whilst he stroked my hair. It reminded me of what Mammy used to do when I was younger and couldn’t sleep and I jerked my head up sharply, rubbed my eyes vigorously and lay back heavily on the bed.

  “I think I should take you home,” Luke said gently.

  “I don’t know what to do, Luke,” I said in a whining tone which was uncharacteristic in the extreme as I was usually very forthright and sure of what I was doing.

  “What do you mean, Ruby?”

  “Well, if I leave here I might feel a hell of a lot better but at the same time I might be scuppering my chances of hearing anything more or getting more information. I won’t rest until I find out the truth and this is the only place where I have any hope of getting that. She will not stop me from finding out what really happened. Am I being unreasonable? Is it unnatural or wrong that I should want to know?”

  “Not at all,” Luke answered gently. “It would be more unnatural if you weren’t inquisitive and didn’t want answers. Although I think as far as your mother is concerned that she does genuinely have your best interests at heart and that she is indeed worried about you getting hurt.”

  I shook my head and closed my eyes. I didn’t dispute the fact that she wouldn’t want me to be hurt but was cut to the bone that she would talk about the situation to other people whilst remaining tight-lipped with me, even though I deserved to know more than anyone else. She was being very unfair.

  “What do you want to do, love?” Luke asked.

  “I don’t know. My head feels like a pressure cooker that’s about to explode.”

  “I think you should trust your gut instincts and stay if you feel it’s the right thing to do. You haven’t told me what’s so important about the box?”

  I proceeded to regale him with details about my long-forgotten history project and my inadvertent discoveries.

  “You think I’m reading too much into it, don’t you?” I said, fixing him with a long look when he looked unconvinced.

  “What? You read too much into a situation, Ruby? You put two and two together and make nineteen? Never!”

  I poked him and tried to smile but succeeded in only grimacing, at which point Luke took me in his arms once more to let me know in the only way he could that he supported me even if my own mother wasn’t inclined to.

  The smell of bacon penetrated the room and I could hear Mammy calling us for breakfast.

  “Tell her I’m not hungry,” I said gruffly.

  “Ruby, your mother will know there’s something wrong if you don’t appear. You are only ever not hungry if you’re sick which you’re not.”

  “Sick or being lied to – my stomach responds well to neither,” I snapped.

  “You’re not supposed to know any details about this, Ruby. Remember? You weren’t told – you overheard. So if you want to make your mother suspicious you’re going the right way about it. Try and act normal. I know it’s not easy but, if you do that, then there’s maybe a chance that we’ll stumble on something. And Ruby –”

  “What?”

  “Try and be understanding. Your mother’s scared that she might lose you if you go looking for Georgina and she probably only talked to Donal because there’s nobody else she could have confided in.”

  “I hate when you do that,” I said, exasperated. “Why do you always have to be so rational and reasonable about everything?”

  I was waiting for him to say that one of us had to be but he didn’t.

  “Because I can see the bigger picture and what you stand to lose. Your mother is a wonderful lady and I don’t want to see either of you getting hurt.”

  “Breakfast’s ready!” she called again. “Ruby, are you up?”

  “I’m coming now,” I responded in my best ‘I’m feckin raging but trying not to let on’ voice.

  “Good girl!” Luke mouthed at me before I rugby-tackled him to the floor in a play-fight in order to let out some of my frustrations.

  “Good morning,” Mammy said when she saw me. She wasn’t her usual twinkly self.

  “Good morning,” I responded in a flat tone.

  Neither of us was acting normally but then yesterday had changed everything. We had learnt things about each other and our intentions and life would never be quite the same again.

  I poured myself a mug of coffee and could feel Mammy’s eyes boring into the back of my head as I stared intently at the swirling brown liquid.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  “Never been better,” I said in a sarcastic tone, only to mentally kick myself. I was going to have to change tactics and stop being so obvious. I looked her straight in the eye and smiled. “Grand, Mammy. I’m actually really enjoying being here and so is Luke – aren’t you, pet?”

  “Me? Oh yeah, sure,” he said unconvincingly. Then he yelped as I kicked him. Hard.

  “Would it be okay with you if we stayed here another day or so, Mammy?” I asked.

  Mammy looked at me in confusion and then fixed me with a suspicious stare as Luke proceeded to hobble outside, muttering about shin-guards and divorces that were going to happen before weddings.

  “Look, Mammy, I just don’t want to leave you under a cloud. I know that I upset you yesterday and I think it might do us both good to talk.”

  “I’ve nothing more to say,” she said, immediately clamming up and making me bristle in irritation.

  “We’ll just spend some time together then,” I said, showing Herculean strength as what I really wanted to do was roar and throw things at the wall.

  “If you like,” she finally agreed grudgingly, “although I’m going to be busy tomorrow as I have to go to the farmer’s market in the morning and then I’ll be at the Senior Citizens’ Club with Donal in the afternoon.”

  I grinned broadly. “No worries. I’ll come to the market with you and then man the fort here until you get back.”

  “I suppose you could look after the shop for me,” she said thoughtfully.

  “Yeah, I could.” (Or I could leave Luke to do that and go for a wee nosey in the attic.)

  “Fancy a walk?” Luke said as he limped back into the house (why do men love being martyrs?).

  “I suppose we could,” I said.

  Outside, he nodded in the direction of the hotel. “Since we seem to be in the mood for investigation, why don’t we tackle another problem while we’re here? It’ll get us out of the house for a while and maybe we’ll find out a bit more about what’s been happening and if your mother really does have cause for conc
ern.”

  I wasn’t much in the mood for tackling anything as I felt I had enough on my plate but he was right that I did indeed need to get out, and no matter what Mammy had done I didn’t want to see her losing the house that she loved so much.

  “Yes. Let’s go up to the hotel and say hello to our little friend. I’m in the mood for head-butting somebody.”

  Chapter 14

  Upon entering the premises, Luke and I registered that we had stumbled upon some type of guided tour that I had never seen being done before, which made me feel distinctly uneasy. There was also a very different atmosphere to the one I had experienced on other visits.

  “Monroe Manor has been situated in these grounds since the early nineteenth century and was owned and lived in by the Monroe family. It is said that Lord Charles Monroe visited Ireland and fell in love with a local girl from Smugglers’ Bay who later became Lady Tessa Monroe. They had four sons: Hector, Peter, Stefan and Philip. The manor’s most famous and eccentric owner, however, was Charles Monroe’s last descendant, Lord Bartley Monroe, who was legendary for his hunting skills both in the field and on the dance floor.”

  “Was there a Lady Bartley Monroe?” A well-dressed American lady asked the blonde and pretty tour guide who was dressed in green and looked like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world.

  “I think there were several ladies who all thought they had earned themselves that title,” the girl answered, raising an eyebrow.

  I beckoned for Luke to follow me as we joined the tour.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, looking quizzically at me.

  “I want to see what this is all about,” I muttered. “Mammy said she smelt a rat and that the new owners seemed to be causing trouble but we’re not going to find anything out if we barge in and announce ourselves as being connected with the cottage in any way.” (I’d watched enough detective dramas in my time and fancied myself as a bit of a Columbo type.)