“That’s a good idea actually. Make yourself scarce and I’ll give you a ring and let you know if it’s safe to come home.”
“If? That sounds ominous. I’d like to sleep in my own bed tomorrow night if it’s all the same to you.”
“Well, you better hope that Mammy is in an honest and approachable mood then because I don’t intend to waste any more time faffing about over this. I want to know the truth. End of story.”
“Ruby –”
“Luke, don’t say another word. I know that you’re all trying to protect me and wrap me in endless layers of cotton wool, but honestly I don’t need it. I’m a big girl and I’m quite capable of handling whatever she has to tell me. What I can’t handle is being constantly fobbed off with lies. If Daddy had been here he would have insisted that I be made aware of the facts.”
“Fine. Would you like some help with the cleaning?”
“No, actually. I’m doing all right on my own. I’m finding it quite therapeutic in a way. It’s helping to take my mind off things. Don’t get excited though,” I said, noting the hopeful expression on his face, “I’m sure it’s just a phase I’m going through and it’ll pass.”
“Well, thank God for that,” the resident housekeeper said sarcastically. “I wouldn’t like to be usurped from my position of cleaning lady.”
“I know,” I said brightly, leaving the room whistling, with a floor-brush in my hand.
Mammy arrived the following evening and immediately congratulated Luke on his capabilities in the house-cleaning department, much to my amusement and Luke’s nervousness.
“Well, actually, Ruby cleaned the house last night.”
The sound of Mammy’s laughter pealing through the house suggested that she thought he was joking and as I had more important fish to fry I didn’t argue with her.
“Coffee, Mammy?” I asked as she made herself comfortable on the sofa.
I had bought a coffee cake and cheesecake (my belief being that sugar would loosen her tongue) and was in the middle of putting them out on plates when my phone beeped with a message from Frankie.
Hope all goes well this evening. Life is too precious to waste. Love you loads xxx
I read the message and grinned and then snapped my phone shut before going to order Luke to get out.
“Are you still here?” I demanded, walking back into the sitting room where he was talking to Mammy.
“Good grief, there’s no need to go kicking the poor fella out of his own home,” Mammy said, looking a bit on the desperate side and giving Luke pleading gazes which when translated meant that she would rather he would stay and protect her from the wrath of her impulsive question-asking daughter.
“Oh, I think there’s every reason, Mammy. We have wedding plans to discuss which he is not privy to –” (did you see what I did there – very clever, I thought) “– and there are a few other little issues that need to be addressed as well which we might be better doing on our own. Tell Owen I said hello, Luke, and I’ll give you a ring later.”
Luke kissed me on the cheek and gave me a squeeze to let me know that he was in solidarity with me and then he left.
I made sure that Mammy had a full mug of coffee and all the delights she could cope with in front of her before I joined her on the sofa and pounced.
“Okay, Mammy. So tell me what you know about Georgina.”
“Eh . . . erm . . . Ruby, you’re putting me in a very difficult position here. I was told years ago, just shortly after you were adopted, that if this situation was ever to arise I was to firmly steer you away from it. No good can come of this.”
“Mammy, if you don’t tell me, I am simply going to go and find the information myself anyway. So you have a choice. You either help me or you don’t and if you don’t I will never forgive you.”
“That’s not fair, Ruby!” Mammy cried, noisily banging her coffee mug onto the tray it was carried in on. “You make it sound like I’m being deliberately awkward or wilfully hiding things from you but I promise you I’m not. God, I wish your father was here!”
At that point she seemed to break down and I felt marginally guilty for putting so much pressure on her but reasoned that I didn’t have any other option.
“I wish Daddy was here too, Mammy, because he would tell you like he always did that there’s no point in arguing with me and prolonging the inevitable. I know that I’m impulsive and headstrong but those are traits that are obviously innate in my character and I’d like to know who they’re inherited from. What’s the worst that can happen? Nobody will think badly of you for telling me, if that’s what you’re worrying about. They’ll only have to meet me to realise why you were left with no choice.”
“I wish it were that simple,” Mammy said sadly, at which point I started to lose the will to live.
How many of these useless statements was I going to have to listen to before she actually told me something that would be of some benefit to me?
I began to impatiently jiggle my leg and tap my foot until Mammy put her hand up, signalling for me to stop.
“All right, Ruby. Here it is.” She paused and I held my breath. “Your mother didn’t want you, Ruby. It pains me to have to tell you that but I’ve been left with no choice. She never wanted you and treated you badly when you were in her care. She gave birth to you in an institution for unmarried mothers, then took you home until you were forcibly taken from her. She neglected you terribly. There was talk of alcohol and drug abuse as well as men constantly calling to the house.”
I felt sick to my stomach as I listened but a horrified fascination made me want to know more.
“How old was I when I was removed from her care?” I asked quietly, all my earlier bravado gone.
“You were around six weeks old, I think,” Mammy looked at me with tears in her eyes and held out her hand to me. “I can’t bear to think of what you might have gone through in those six weeks, Ruby. You were so special to your father and me and we loved you so much. You were such an adorable baby with your tufts of red hair and a smile that simply lit your face up.” Mammy looked wistful.
“If she was so bad why did they allow her to keep me for those six weeks?” I asked. “Surely if she had a tendency to behave in that manner, it would have been a kinder thing to remove me right away?”
“Perhaps they didn’t know how bad she was. As far as we know, the authorities only became aware of her afterwards. They received complaints from several worried sources who were highly concerned for your welfare and their information was acted upon quite quickly.”
“Do you remember the box?” I asked tentatively. “I caught a glimpse of it one day when I was in your room when I was younger. You took it from me and wouldn’t let me see it. But not before I noticed the black and white photograph and the toys and the drawing.”
“You’ve certainly got a good memory, Ruby,” Mammy said in a strange tone. “You remember all that from a five-second fleeting glance at something I took from you almost immediately, do you?”
Shit.
I squirmed awkwardly in my seat and squinted at her.
“Ruby, I know you found it. I knew it had been moved when I went to the filing cabinet the next day.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I demanded.
“What’s to say?” she shrugged. “I’ve kept it all these years because those things are part of you and I did want to give it to you one day. There just never seemed to be a right time and I was always afraid of what I might create as a result. I needn’t have worried though. You’re good enough at making things happen all on your own with no help from me.”
I was starting to feel very annoyed. My mother was a very honest person (usually) and I couldn’t understand why she had suddenly started playing so many games.
She seemed to read my mind.
“Ruby, try to understand things from my perspective. I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re right. I do know things. I know terrible things that no child should ever need to
hear about their mother. The one person in the world who should have their best interests at heart. The world is a strange place. People who don’t deserve children seem to be the ones who are presented them on a plate and those who would die to have a family get nothing but grief and heartache.”
Mammy stopped and looked at her hands and I knew that she was thinking about the babies she lost, my siblings. I felt desperately sorry for her and my anger faded.
I moved closer to her and took her hands in mine. “I’m sorry, Mammy. I know this isn’t easy for you but can you see it from my point of view? I didn’t ask to be born or to be a burden to anyone. But here I am. I’ve had the most wonderful parents and a fantastic childhood but, when all is said and done, I’m still curious and why shouldn’t I be? The person who brought me into the world is out there somewhere and, like it or not, I have a right to know who she is – just like I have a right to know about my father. Please try and understand. All I want is some answers. I’m not planning on disowning you or denouncing your role in my life. You have been and always will be my mother. Nobody can ever take that away from either me or you.”
I sighed and let go of Mammy’s hands and moved back to where I had been originally sitting. I felt tired and weary and wondered why life had to be so bloody complicated. Why couldn’t I just be normal?
“Is the photograph in the box of my mother, do you think?” I asked suddenly.
“Truthfully, I’m not sure who it is but she must be connected with you somehow. You’ve got her eyes.”
I put my hands on my face (as if I was going to remove my eyes and examine them) and looked at her in wonder. “That’s the first time I have ever looked like anyone,” I said before promptly bursting into tears.
Mammy held me for a long time after that as I continued to ask questions between sniffs.
“We let you play with the Mickey Mouse toy and the teddy bear for a while but then we put them away for safe keeping,” Mammy explained when I commented on them.
“Where is St Catherine’s Lodge?” I asked. “I know it’s in Belfast but I don’t know where.”
“I haven’t the faintest idea,” Mammy responded.
“The drawing is interesting,” I said as I closed my eyes and remembered the shading and the intricately sketched people.
“I often wondered about that too,” Mammy said gently. “It’s possible that your mother, like you, was fond of drawing.”
“Why didn’t you change my name?” I said, continuing to fire indiscriminate questions.
“If it had been up to me you wouldn’t have kept it at all,” Mammy said. “Ruby is a beautiful name which does indeed suit you, but I would have preferred a fresh and untarnished start to our life with you. But your daddy wouldn’t hear tell of it. He always was very set in his ways and kind-hearted to boot.”
I felt my eyes fill with tears as I nodded in agreement.
“I wish he was here to share this experience with both you and me,” I said in a broken voice. “It’s not that I want a new mother, y’know. You know that you’re irreplaceable as far as I’m concerned.”
“The same goes for you, Ruby. You were a precious child and still are and, even if your birth mother was foolish enough not to recognise it, your father and I certainly did. I’ve told you all I know now, so it’s over to you. If you wish to pursue the matter, then that’s your decision to make.”
“Thank you, Mammy,” I said, hugging her. “Thank you so much.”
Chapter 37
I awoke the following morning and got out of bed quietly so as not to disturb Luke who was still asleep. He had come home after I had rung him and held me in his arms until I must have eventually dozed off, as the last thing I could remember was having my head stroked whilst he told me over and over again how much he loved me.
He had been shocked when I relayed details of my birth and subsequent adoption and did nothing to hide his disgust upon hearing of my ill treatment.
“It just doesn’t make sense though, Luke,” I’d said in a moment of clarity. “She had me baptised and there was the photograph I found and the teddy bear. Where did they all come from? Could someone who was so callous and cold-hearted have had the thought to put that little box together for me or was it done by someone else?”
“I don’t know, darling. All I know is that I love you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling but at least you know now and you can continue with the rest of your life.”
I had sat up and stared at Luke as his words sank in.
“You don’t think I should look for her, do you? You think I should just leave well enough alone and forget all about it, just because I have a bit more information now than I did yesterday.”
“It’s not that I think you shouldn’t look for her, Ruby. It’s more that I would question your reasons for wanting to. Isobel told you that she neglected you and didn’t look after you properly, so why would you want to? Whoever this Georgina person is, she doesn’t deserve to get to know you now. Not now that all the hard work has been done by your mum and dad and you’re all grown up and no longer a helpless child that can simply be ignored.”
Luke’s voice was raised and I could see the anger and hurt in his eyes and at that moment my love for him grew stronger. I cuddled into his chest and he put his arms tightly around me as if to protect me.
I lay there for a while and listened to the sound of his heart beating and it calmed my mind, which was whirring to process what I had been told, at a rate of knots.
After a time I sat up and switched our bedside lamp on and whilst we both squinted in an effort to adjust to the sudden light I told Luke my thoughts.
“I know that you don’t want me to look for her and that Mammy feels just as strongly about it all. But I have to. I need to know why all this happened because I still don’t think I’ve been given all the facts. I don’t know whether it’s because Mammy knows more but isn’t telling me or whether there were pieces of the story missing when she was told. Something about it all just doesn’t ring true to me and I want to find out why.”
“You can’t argue with the actions of social workers and authorities, Ruby,” Luke said imploringly. “They obviously had your best interests to the fore when they removed you and if there were complaints by members of the public, well, then, that just goes to prove that there was cause for concern.”
“Maybe that is the case, Luke, and maybe I’m feeling the way I am because I don’t want to believe it but either way I want to know and wild horses wouldn’t stop me, so save yourself a lot of time and trouble and don’t even try. Don’t get me wrong. I’m under no illusions and I’m not making any excuses for this woman. I just want to know the truth and I want to hear it from her.”
I let the water from the shower run over my face as I soaped my hair and continually thought about the revelations of the night before (although I wasn’t exactly shocked, given the fact that I had already heard half the conversation before . . . I just wasn’t going to tell Mammy that). I was very confused and in the midst of a myriad of feelings – anger, sadness, curiosity, wonderment. The most pressing of my emotions at the moment, however, was anger and I had a desire to find Georgina for the sole purpose of confronting her and asking her what the hell she thought she was doing getting pregnant and having a child she obviously didn’t want. Had she any idea of the legacy she had left behind? Did she know what it felt like to grow up knowing that you had been given up by one family who didn’t want you, only to be adopted into a wonderful one who accepted you, but where you felt like an outsider some of the time especially when conversations turned to the subject of genes and family trees and who’s like feckin who? I hated that . . . when anyone had a baby people were immediately dissecting the poor child’s features to apportion likeness or blame, as the case may be, for a shape of face or nose or eyes. And then there was me – poor old Ruby with the mad red hair who resembled nobody and felt that she never quite fitted in. Yes, the mould was certainly broken when I was
created. I would just like to know who was responsible.
After I had come out of the shower, dried off and was applying moisturiser to my skin I could hear movement downstairs and guessed that my mother must be up and preparing to line our stomachs for another mad day in Belfast. I could hear her clattering with pans (and no doubt muttering about the shocking state of my cupboards). She had obviously found what I had left in the fridge, however, as soon the smell of bacon came wafting up the stairs accompanied by the delicious aroma of freshly percolated coffee.
“We should invite your mother to stay more often,” Luke commented, smacking his lips and grinning as he sat up and stretched in bed.
“Are you suggesting that my breakfasts are not up to scratch, Mr Reilly?” I asked, preparing to flick him with my wet towel.
“Not at all. I love burnt toast and am rather partial to soggy cereal, but you might want to go down and watch her all the same. You never know what you might pick up. The way to a man’s heart being through his stomach isn’t a well-known fact for no good reason.”
“Well, I should be well chuffed then,” I retorted, “because obviously my other qualities make up for the fact that I can’t cook which must make me very special.”
“You are special, Ruby,” Luke said quietly, getting up to hug me. “Your daddy always told you that and he was so right.”
“Don’t, Luke,” I said suddenly fighting back tears with a lump in my throat. “Don’t remind me.”
“But you need to be reminded, Ruby. You need reminding that you weren’t just some abandoned baby who was immediately forgotten but that you’ve played a very important part in the lives of everyone you’ve touched since. Georgina Delaney will be very sorry she let you go when she finally meets you.”
“She’ll be sorry,” I said defiantly. “But maybe not for that reason.”
Chapter 38
My mother couldn’t contain herself. She just had to take me outside and tell me in no uncertain terms how she felt. We were standing outside Rose Malone’s dressmaking shop and she had met Gabriel about twenty minutes previously.
Anyone for Me? Page 21