What We Search For

by Stories, Natasha

  “How are the guys anyway? It’s been awhile since I saw them!” She asked.

  “They are doing great! Making more friends and having all sorts of fun. They are convinced they are professional snowboarders now, which remains to be seen.” I said with a soft laugh.

  “Sounds great! If you get the chance please say hello from me.” Amanda said.

  “Definitely will. I’m sure they’d say hello right back.” I replied. I took a more serious tone and said, “It’s only been a night and I miss being with you. That’s not weird is it?” I asked softly.

  “Not weird. I miss you too.” She said, just as softly, “It’s nice to hear you say that.” She added, “I was a little bit worried you wouldn’t want to talk to me once you got back to Banff.” She said, a hint of worry still touching her voice.

  “Try not to worry about it. I absolutely want to talk to you!” I exclaimed with passion.

  “Okay that’s good then! Anyway I just thought I would check up with you. I better get going.” Amanda said finally.

  “Thank you beautiful, I appreciate that. I hope you have a fantastic day, and I’ll be thinking about you.” I said with a broad smile, as the warmth returned to me.

  “I’ll think of you too handsome. Bye for now!” She said happily, ending the call.

  Smiling, I dragged myself out of bed and made ready for the day. I was relieved Amanda felt that way as well. I had been worried we would fall apart or lose interest being at a distance. After such a whirlwind romance, I had no illusions, we would need to work together to stay in touch.

  Being away from Amanda, I found myself catching up with old friends, and making my way to the snow hill as much as possible. Chris and Brad weren’t lying. They had improved so much and ended up teaching me all sorts of new tricks, and soon I was following them downhill at speed.

  I bumped into Haley a couple of times. It was nice to see her, but that’s as far as either of us took it. Each day I was in contact with Amanda. We’d talk for a long time or others just a quick check-up. The days turned into weeks and the weeks faded to months. I felt lost again. I needed Amanda.

  Chapter Twelve

  Three months had passed since I had returned to Banff, and my lifestyle was again a familiar routine. Drinking, snowboarding, pool and regular catch ups with friends. It was so easy since you could walk everywhere. Some warm weather was starting to come through and spring was in the air. The ski hill was still open, but I wasn’t going as much as I had been.

  Over the last two months I had improved tremendously and thoroughly enjoyed my time, but my focuses lay elsewhere. At the start, Amanda and I had talked frequently, but as time went by the distance frustrated us both. Not being able to see one another was hard. Very hard.

  For the most part it had been easy to begin with, but being on the phone with each other for lengthy periods every day had become less and less practical. We spoke of our days and trivial things until we ran out of conversation topics. We decided to talk less so we had more to say, but that was the catalyst for us to forget to even call.

  To begin with, it was once every couple of days which was nice, but later one or both of us would forget to call and a few days would pass. Soon a week would go by without contact.

  They say out of sight out of mind. It seemed to playing true, although my feelings for her never changed. We just let other things take priority.

  I had finally reached breaking point. This was so damn hard I didn’t know what my next step should be. I needed to talk to my sister. Waiting for the time zones to be reasonable I managed to catch her in time before she left for work.

  “Hey Sarah!” I said across the phone.

  “Little brother! How are you?” She asked with delight.

  “Not so great actually.” I replied glumly.

  “Why is that? Have you done something stupid?” She asked, concern filling her voice.

  “No. Nothing stupid. It’s a bit of a story. Have you got some time?” I queried.

  “Sure do! Don’t have to leave for half an hour or so. What’s troubling you?” She asked, still clearly concerned.

  “Well, it’s Amanda…” I started.

  “Of course it is.” She laughed gently.

  “Yes. Well. I told you how it went in LA, but since then we’ve been trying to have a long distance relationship. It’s not working out half as well as I had hoped. My feelings for her are the same, but it’s just so frustrating! And we’ve hardly been speaking to be honest.” I said unhappily.

  “Well there’s your first problem. Why haven’t you been speaking?” She asked patiently.

  “It’s not easy to talk to someone every day over the phone. We were running out of things to say, so we decided to talk every second or third day. That ended up once a week or so, and now it’s not even that.” I said, my frustration clear in my voice.

  “I can understand that. It’s only natural, especially since your relationship is still so fresh. You want to be with her all the time. Have you spoken to her about this at all?” She asked. Pausing for a moment.

  “No. Not really.” I replied finally.

  “That’s another problem!” She started, “I’ve told you this before, but it appears I need to tell you again.” She continued slowly, “Communication in a relationship is of utmost importance. No relationship is ever going to be perfect, but if you don’t talk about your troubles, how do you expect things to work out?” She asked, emotion heavy in her voice. “Alex and I have had our fair share of problems, but the one reason we always work things out is we are open with one another and share our feelings. It may be hard for you to do. I know you’ve had troubles like this in the past, but you need to ask yourself. Do you want to be with this woman?” Sarah’s voice was growing in strength as she said each word, and each word struck home with force.

  “This is why I love you sis’. You’re amazing.” I said at last.

  “Any time little brother. Take care of yourself, and don’t be a stranger! Love you!” She said happily.

  “I’ll do my best! Love you too.” I replied and hung up.

  Sitting back I tried to think of what I could say to Amanda. It was one of the most difficult phone calls I would ever make in my life. Even though I felt so strongly for her, I still hadn’t figured out exactly what I was going to be able to do if we were going to be together.

  Perhaps another trip to LA was in order. Perhaps I was again, over thinking things. Whatever the case, I needed to do something now before I went crazy.

  “I agree with your sister” Chris was saying as we sat at the bar sipping our beers, “She’s right. If you want to make it work you need to talk to her about it. Long distance my friend is always difficult, but you knew this wouldn’t be easy.” He added glancing in my direction.

  “I know. Deep down I know all of it. Intellectually I completely understand the ins and outs of what I should be doing, but I just get in my own way.” I started, frustration clear on my face, “Why are we not talking anymore? Does she still like me? Have I done something wrong? All of this useless shit gets in my way, and stops me from picking up the phone.” I said in exasperation.

  “Do you love her?” Chris asked simply, looking over the brim of his beer glass as he took another sip.

  “I do. Yes. I’ve never felt like I have when I’m around her.” I replied.

  “Is that love though? Or is that lust? She’s a beautiful girl after all.” He questioned seriously.

  “Honestly Chris, I’m not sure if I’ve ever been ‘in love’ in my life. I don’t know if there’s a generic feeling everyone has which they label love, but I’ve lusted after women before and this is not that feeling.” I said, lost in my words, “It’s like when I wake up in the morning, my first thoughts are of her. When I’m with her, I feel sensations like never before. Butterflies in my stomach and tingles down my spine. Electricity runs all throughout my body when she touches me. It’s like I’m floating in space when I look into her eyes. Her smile m
elts through me, like a hot knife through butter. Yes, she’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, and I don’t want to live without her…” I said drifting off my voice still full of emotion.

  “Yeah let’s call that love.” Chris said with a chuckle, “Just be careful! You need to try to keep things moving slowly, but in the right direction.” He said with a knowing smile.

  “I appreciate the advice Chris.” I said patting him on the back, “I’ll have to think this through some more before I call her.” I added. Finishing our drinks we shook hands and I left the pub.

  I walked aimlessly trying to figure out my next move until I decided I just had to call Amanda. There was nothing more to it, I thought as I reached for the phone. “Hey.” She answered.

  “Hey.” I replied.

  “How are you?” She asked as I walked towards a bench.

  “I’m alright. I guess. I’d like to talk to you about something if you’ve got a few minutes?” I asked as I sat down, my heart was racing and my palms were sweaty.

  “Of course! What’s up?” She replied.

  “It’s kind of hard for me to bring up honestly.” I started slowly, “You know how we haven’t really been talking much recently… Is there something I’ve done wrong to make you want to not talk to me as much?” I asked with my heart in my mouth. After a moment’s pause.

  “What do you mean?” She asked, with a hint of concern.

  “Well. I don’t know. It’s just… I’m hardly talking to you anymore.” I started, “I want to be with you so badly. This long distance stuff is driving me crazy.” I said, with a mixture of emotions. Frustration was starting the get the better of me, “I love you Amanda. Long distance is killing me.” I added, my voice almost breaking. Amanda was quiet for a long moment this time.

  “I love you too James. I didn’t know you felt this way about long distance though. Why didn’t you say something earlier?” She asked, concern now heavily laced her voice.

  “I didn’t know what to say.” I replied slowly. Frustration clear in my voice, “What are we going to do?” I added, my voice raising with each word, “I just can’t do long distance anymore!” I finally shouted angrily.

  We were silent. I could hear her breathing through the phone until finally she said something.

  “If that’s how you feel about it…. I didn’t realize it was so hard for you. Maybe we should have a break to think about this all.” She added quietly. Dangerously.

  “But-.” I said, however I was cut off.

  “I’m sorry James. Maybe this is for the best if you’re having so much trouble.” She said, in tones brooking no argument.

  “Oh.” Was all I could say. My heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. My head was spinning. I saw black spots as I looked at the palms of my hands.

  “I have to go. I’ll call you later sometime. Okay?” She said, I was still reeling and it took her repeating herself for me to finally hear her properly.

  “Um. Okay.” I said dumbly, and she hung up the phone.

  I sat on that bench for a very long time. I cursed myself an idiot and much worse over and over again. Replaying the conversation in my head thousands of times I realized I had let my frustration get the better of me. I ignored all of the advice I had been given.

  My panic and over thinking had caused this entirely. Initially I had set out to just have a chat about wanting to talk more and instead I had scared her away from me.

  Letting out a sigh, I stood up. Head held low I walked to the closest pub. Ordering myself a shot and a beer I delved deep into the cups as I let my mind torture me over and over with my stupidity.

  My head rested against the bar as I waved over the bartender. “Another please.” I mumbled. After a moment’s thought he shook his head.

  “Sorry, but you’ve had enough tonight. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off.” He said, as he walked away.

  Pounding my fist on the bar, “Another!” I shouted, this time causing the rest of the patrons to look over to me. The bar tender returned with a frustrated look across his face.

  “You’re cut off. Shouting about it won’t help. You should probably leave.” He said angrily. Just as I was about to say something a hand fell on my shoulder.

  “I’ll look after him.” Someone said. Looking around slowly, I could see Sam standing there with a concerned look. He was talking to the bartender.

  “I’m fine.” I blurted out.

  “No. You’re not.” He replied, still having his hand on my shoulder, “Let me take you home James.” He said gently.

  “I don’t want to go home.” I sulked. Helping me up he put his arm around my shoulder as I struggled my way to my feet.

  “Let’s go see Chris then, eh?” He asked as we walked towards the door.

  “Yeah.” I replied bluntly.

  Along the walk I stumbled a few times but Sam’s arm held me steady. As we walked I heard him talking on the phone to Chris, and after a time we found ourselves at his door. Letting us in, he helped guide me to the couch, and went to get me a glass of water. Handing it to me, he supervised me until I drank it all.

  Sitting down he looked at Sam questioningly, but Sam only shrugged. “What happened?” He asked softly as he watched me intently.

  “Called Amanda.” I said with a slur.

  “Didn’t go so well?” He questioned me in relaxed tones.

  “Nup.” I replied, my head dropping against the couch as my eyes closed.

  “Don’t sleep yet!” Chris exclaimed as he jumped up and rushed to fill another glass of water. This time a very large one. “Drink.” He said as he proffered the glass in front of my face.

  Taking a few sips I tried to refuse more, but he forced me to continue drinking until I had finished all of it. As he took the glass away, I fell sideways with my head landing on the arm of the couch.

  My eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep as I heard someone saying, “Poor bastard. We’re going to have to keep an eye on him if he’s taking it this hard already.” And I fell asleep.

  Chris woke me up in the morning to check on me handing me another glass of water in the process. “You were out of it last night. What happened?” He asked curiously. Sitting up slowly I considered my answer.

  “I got angry, and now Amanda wants to have a break. That’s about it.” I said despairingly.

  “A break huh. I know all about that.” Chris said patting me on the back, “It took me a long time to realize I needed to take it easy when I was trying to be with someone. It’s far too easy to scare someone away, especially at the start.” He said slowly, “You know our problem? Deep down we’re romantics and we want to believe in love at first sight, and everything that comes with it. Like a happily ever after.” He said sensitively, “Sometimes it just doesn’t work like that, especially straight away.” He added in a whisper as his eyes took on a distant look.

  I sighed in response and drank deeply from the water. I wasn’t as hung over as I thought I should be. Probably due to Chris force feeding me water the night before.

  “I went overboard last night. I know that. Didn’t know what else to do so I went and had a drink, and just kept drinking. I’m not going to give up on her, but I’ll have to take a different approach. In my anger and frustration I let out the truth. I can’t do long distance. It just isn't good enough.” I said decisively.

  “What are you thinking?” Chris asked.

  “I’m thinking I need to go and see her again.” I answered resolutely.

  “Wait up! Whoa! Hold on just a minute. If you just show up at her door how do you think that would look?” He asked in worrying tones.

  “I know it sounds crazy, but how could I expect to sort this out over the phone? I won’t go straight away.” I said firmly.

  “I won’t try and tell you what to do it’s your life. Just take a little bit of advice this time? Take your time and don’t expect everything to magically happen at once.” He replied shaking his head.

  Chapter Thi
rteen

  I didn’t hear anything from Amanda so I tried to keep myself busy with friends. I came to the conclusion I wouldn’t be coming back to live in Banff no matter the outcome.

  We went out on my final night for dinner and drinks. It was a fantastic night spent with all of my old and new friends. Leaving was bittersweet as I knew I likely wouldn’t see most of these people again. I promised Chris and Brad we would catch up somewhere along our travels, and we all agreed it wasn’t time to head home just yet.

  As the bus left I looked out through the window at the beautiful landscape that was Banff and smiled to myself. There had been a time that this wonderland was all that I had been seeking, but in being here I had found so much more.

  I had uncovered who I wanted to be. A woman I wanted to be with. And a spark for meeting new people, and finding new places that I had always been missing.

  The trees were clear of snow and their deep green was showing. The warm weather was coming, and everywhere I looked I could see signs of spring. Wildflowers poked out of the ground shyly and the snow melt from the mountains created waterfalls everywhere. The rivers were running rapidly, and only the peaks of the mountains had any snow left.

  Facing forward, I looked at the chair in front of me and wondered exactly how I would approach Amanda, and finally I gave up. Being less high strung would probably be a good start.

  Leaning back I relaxed as much as possible, letting all of my fondest memories wash over me of my traveling days. Traveling by myself had made me far more self-reliant, and comfortable being by myself. No matter what happened I would bounce back, and be a stronger person for my experiences.

  Before leaving Canada, I had organized a motel nearby Amanda and Rachel’s house. I sent an email to Bob and Laurene to see if they would like to catch up, and gave them details of where I would be staying.

  I was an old hand at flying now. It was kind of funny. Flying was never my strong suit, but I had grown accustomed to it and it no longer bothered me. It took us just over three hours to arrive in LA, and once in the terminal I walked through with purpose in my step.