What We Search For

by Stories, Natasha

  Catching a cab from the airport, I arrived at the motel soon after and settled in without a problem. It was time for me to determine just how I wanted to approach Amanda. It would probably be a good idea to catch up with Rachel first. Not wasting any time, I was on the phone in moments.

  “Hi James.” She said in overly neutral tones.

  “Hey Rachel! How are you? How’s your father?” I asked with genuine concern.

  “He’s great! Thank you for asking. He’s been out of the hospital for a couple of months, and doing well back at home.” She replied happily, “As for me I’m good. How is everything going for you?” She asked carefully.

  “I’m alright. To be honest I was a bit shocked at first, but I understand my mistakes now. I think” I said with a wry smile coming to my lips.

  “Yeah I heard you were, um, well you know.” She said trailing off. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Angry? Frustrated? Over the top? Crazy? Full on? Take your pick.” I said still laughing.

  “Yes. Something like that. I don’t want to pry into your affairs or anything, but Amanda was pretty upset by it all. I thought I told you not to hurt her!” She said strongly.

  “It was never my intention to hurt her. Honestly, I didn’t think I did anything that was hurtful.” I replied ashamedly.

  “Obviously you hurt her!” She started loudly, after a moment she gathered her composure and continued, “You can’t expect her to respond well when you’re unleashing on her. You hadn’t even spoken in ages!” She added, strength in her voice, “What were you thinking?” She pleaded with me.

  “Honestly this is going to sound stupid, but I was trying to fix things. I got ridiculously carried away. I could have approached it in a different way.” I said trailing off, a little embarrassed.

  “You can say that again!” She exclaimed.

  “Long distance was hurting me. It was painful, and I let my emotions get the better of me.” I added.

  “So what are you going to do about it?” She asked with interest.

  “Yeah well this is the hard part.” I started.

  “What is?” She asked, concern and frustration playing through her voice.

  “Well. I’m actually in LA right now. I’m staying about fifteen minutes away or so.” I said carefully, waiting for the outburst that was sure to follow. Instead silence followed, and it stretched making things uncomfortable.

  Rachel let out an explosive sigh. “You really do love her don't you?” She said in exasperated tones. I imagined her shaking her head and rolling her eyes while saying it.

  “I do.” I replied eagerly.

  “I can’t say she would want to see you right now, but it might work out. How long are you here for?” She asked slowly.

  “As long as it takes. I want to fix this between us.” I said hopefully.

  “So you want my help?” She asked.

  “If you’re willing to give it.” I replied cautiously.

  “I’ve told you this many times, so I won’t bother with the whole don't hurt her speech. Instead, I want you guys to get back together, so I’ll help. You make her really happy. She just panicked when you went angry and started shouting at her out of nowhere. Remember she had tough times with guys in the past. A lot of anger. So it frightens her easily.” She started, “Honestly though… I know how she feels about you, and it was only the one time. I think it should be fixable.” She added, “I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll talk to her about you.” She said with a reserved sigh.

  “That’s all I could ask. Please don’t tell her I’m here just yet.” I pleaded.

  “I won’t. I’ll call you soon and let you know how she is doing.” Rachel said. She cut me off from any response by hanging up.

  Shaking my head letting out a long breath, I sat down as relief washed over me, as that could have gone either way. Over and over I kept saying to myself, “One step at a time. No need to rush things. Take it slowly, and I just might be able to get out of this in one piece.” Basically all the advice I had been given and decided to ignore like an idiot, rattled through my brain.

  One day after I had arrived, I hadn’t had any word from Rachel so I walked around the area a few times trying to amuse myself with the local sights. I returned to my motel and the phone call I had been waiting for finally came.

  “Hey, Rach.” I said excitedly.

  “Hey.” She replied, “I spoke to Amanda. She’s still pissed off with you obviously, but it’s fixable. Just don't scare her again.” She added.

  “You’re the best! Thank you so much.” I replied while grinning like a fool.

  “So what are you going to do?” She asked.

  “Honestly, I think I might just try and have a coffee with her.” I said

  “Whatever you do just take it easy and calmly!” She said.

  “Thanks Rach, I’ll do my best!” I replied.

  Calling Amanda was difficult. The ringing lasted far too long and I almost threw up.

  “Hello.” She answered in the flattest voice I had ever heard her use.

  “Hi Amanda. How are you?” I said forcing a smile on my face. I needed to calm down.

  “I’m good. You?” She asked shortly.

  “I’m good too. Thanks.” I added with a grimace trying to think of what to say.

  “What do you want?” She asked.

  “I wanted to talk about what happened.” I replied.

  “What’s there to talk about?” She asked plainly.

  “I screwed up. I shouldn’t have said what I said like I did.” Trailing off as I said it. This was not going well.

  “Yeah, you’re right.” She replied.

  “I want to try and make it up to you. Can I have another chance?” I pleaded a little too strongly for my liking.

  “Look James. This long distance stuff is too hard, like you said. I just don’t know if it’s going to work.” She said strongly.

  “It doesn’t have to be long distance. I’m in LA now. Give me another chance please!” I said, immediately regretting it. My stomach churned and did flips. Silence. After what seemed like forever.

  “You’re such an idiot.” She said with a sigh and hung up.

  Where was a bucket to stick my head in when I needed it? Idiot! I tended to agree with her. So maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I was in LA straight away. Whatever the case, I wasn’t going to give up just yet. So I did things a bit differently. It didn’t mean I couldn’t figure it out.

  Sighing, I lay on my bed and closed my eyes. Opening them again I checked my email and saw I had a response from Bob and Laurene. Specifically it was from Bob. He mentioned he would like to catch up for a drink and gave me their cell phone number. I called Bob and he answered.

  “James my boy. How are you?” Bob said, his voice seemed somewhat different.

  “I’ve been better to be honest Bob.” I replied.

  “You and me both kiddo. What’s bothering you?” He asked slowly.

  “It’s Amanda. I screwed up and I’m not sure what to do.” I said, just as slowly.

  “Well how about we get a drink and you tell me all about it? There’s a place I know.” He said. He gave me the directions and we ended the call there.

  I arrived at the bar first. It was just shy of empty apart from a couple of regulars in the corner speaking quietly. Walking up to the bar and taking a seat I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and looked deeply into it as I waited for Bob to arrive.

  The bartender stood silently polishing glasses as the day outside slowly dragged on. My mistakes with Amanda entered my head and I let my frustration begin to brew. Maybe everything was going to be too hard.

  Looking up from my glass, I watched as an elderly man made his way into the bar. He was dressed in a dark suit and hat drawn partially over his eyes. He walked over to me and sat down ordering two double whiskeys. It was Bob.

  He looked at me with his gentle weathered smile, but something else was in his face and I couldn’t quite place it. For s
ome reason, I didn’t want to interrupt the silence as our drinks arrived.

  “James my boy. Tell me your story.” He said quietly.

  “I’ve done something stupid Bob. I keep screwing things up with Amanda. It seems whenever I try and do something right, instead it goes wrong.” I replied glumly over my drink. Shaking his head, he looked me in the eye.

  “Why do you say that?” He asked.

  I filled him in on everything that had happened since I had seen him last. Taking it all in, he listened intently as I went through every little detail until finally I came to a finish.

  He looked down at his hands for a moment and took a long drink from his whiskey, and turned to me once again. This time I could clearly tell the emotions on his face. There was a look of sadness and almost like something was missing mixed amongst his usual slight smile.

  “James.” He started very slowly. Turning back to his glass, “I buried Laurene today.” He said, his voice breaking a little as he spoke. As what he was saying registered, I sat there dumbfounded and shocked. I tried to say something, but Bob waved me to silence.

  “How many arguments do you think we had in our fifty years of marriage?” He said, not actually seeking an answer, “Time and time again we would argue. I couldn’t tell you how many times. We had our times apart too.” He added, “I did silly things when I was younger just as you are doing them now, but did I give up on her? Hell no.” His voice now firm and unmoving. He paused for a moment to have another drink.

  “We worked at that marriage the whole way. If we let every little thing pull us apart, I would have been a very lonely man for these last fifty years.” He said, “She was my best friend and my lover, and now she’s gone. But we shared a lifetime together.” He said in pained yet peaceful tones, “What I’m saying son, is I wouldn’t trade those arguments for the world, because they made us stronger. Don’t you dare give up on someone you care so much about. Especially over something so small.” He said, regaining his composure he looked me dead in the eye.

  “Go get her.” He said, strength returned to his voice, “Right now!” He added, indicating towards the door, “Go.” He smiled gently as I stood up reinvigorated, yet still reeling from the news of Laurene.

  He wouldn’t let me speak as I opened my mouth to say something, and just pushed me gently towards the door.

  Running out the door, I looked back just once to see Bob waving the bar tender over and then he was out of sight. Running down the street, not knowing what to do I flagged down the next cab I saw and went directly to Amanda’s house without any hesitation.

  Dashing to the front door ,I rang the bell and knocked firmly. After a few moments, Rachel opened the door. At first she looked frustrated, but that was replaced with surprise.

  “Wha-.” She said, but I cut her off.

  “Is Amanda here?” I asked.

  “Yes, but I don’t know if she’ll want to see you right now.” She replied taken aback by my interruption.

  “Can you ask her please?” I demanded, as I balanced from one leg to the other impatiently.

  She closed the door as she walked away, and I stood staring at the wooden designs of the door admiringly. Not even thinking anymore. I was still lost in the design as the door opened slightly.

  “What do you want?” Amanda asked, clearly not impressed with my being here.

  “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sick of trying to fix them over the phone. I try to say one thing, and something completely different comes out.” I started firmly, “Yes I was frustrated and got angry. I came on too strong I completely understand that. All I was trying to do was reconnect with you as I was worried we were falling apart.” I continued, “All I was able to do was the opposite. I also realize coming to LA was a little crazy, but I wanted to show you how determined I am to make this work.” I added breathlessly.

  I couldn’t stop talking now. I had to get it all out. “A good friend of mine told me ‘Don’t you dare give up on someone you care so much about’. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to give up on you and I want to make this work, no matter what. Please give me this chance.” I finished, my voice was full of emotion, as I gave up entirely on trying to say the right thing.

  I didn’t beg or plead. I just said exactly what I needed to say as of that moment. Amanda stood and watched me as I spoke and her face seemed to soften by the end.

  Standing in silence we looked in to each other’s eyes searching our emotions. The tiniest smile touched her lips and she opened the door to me slowly. “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” She yelled as she reached her hand out to me. Her eyes beginning to water. Taking her hand in mine, I walked towards her.

  “I didn’t know how.” I said genuinely.

  I smiled at her as tears came to my eyes. We stood in the doorway just holding hands.

  “You’re such an idiot.” She said with a laugh. I joined in with her laughter straight away as relief washed over me.

  “Tell me about it.” I replied shaking my head.

  I wrapped my arms around her and held her not wanting to let go. Walking inside we found Rachel sitting on the couch obviously concerned, as she was watched the hallway like a hawk. At seeing us walk in holding hands, she smiled broadly.

  “About damn time!” Was all she said, as we joined her.

  “I’m a bit slow okay?” I said defensively, yet with a laugh. Amanda nodded her agreement vigorously.

  “Still. You managed to redeem yourself.” She said with a smile.

  We sat there chatting softly for the remainder of the night. Amanda was nestled in my arms until she got up and led me to her room. “I’m glad you came.” She said and I smiled. We lay down in bed together and looked at one another with our heads resting on the pillows.

  “I am too.” I replied, “I want to keep working at this.” I added.

  “Me too.” Amanda said happily, “Let’s go away together.” Her voice excited.

  “Do you have any time off?” I asked seriously.

  “I’ll be fine. I just want to go somewhere with you.” She said, propping herself up on her elbow.

  “Let’s do that.” I replied happily. Reaching out and pulling her on top of me, I kissed her deeply. Pulling back away from my kiss she poked me on the chest.

  “Where should we go?” She asked excitedly.

  “How about somewhere nice and warm with a beach?” I queried returning her poke with one of my own. She grinned and nodded her head.

  “I have some bathing suits I want to try too!” Her voice growing in excitement with every word. “Let’s go to the Caribbean!” She said finally, as her eyes widened at the idea.

  “Sounds good! The Caribbean it is!” I replied, she laughed and kissed me deeply.

  Rolling on top of her I returned the kiss more passionately while our hands wandered. Whether you want to call it sex or making love, we did both that night. All our pent up frustrations were let go as we tumbled between the sheets and released them all. Everything was forgotten throughout that night.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Waking up slowly, I looked over at the sleeping form of Amanda. Her breathing gentle and relaxed. Looking up at the ceiling, I couldn’t help but reflect.

  Bob was right. A sad smile came to my lips. I never got a chance to talk about Laurene, but he was so insistent, I didn’t get the chance to say anything.

  He was such an inspirational person. I had utmost respect for him and Laurene, and it saddened me to think I wouldn’t get the chance to talk to her again. I knew with certainty though I would see Bob again. I would make sure of it.

  Amanda was still sleeping happily as I detached my arm from her, and slowly got out of bed. It had been decided the night before we were going to the Caribbean as soon as we could. I was excited to say the least. Finally, I would have the opportunity I had so desperately been seeking.

  No matter how long we went I would make sure every waking hour would be used to its fullest. Walking out of Amand
a’s room, I made my way to the shower ensuring to knock before entering even though the door was unlocked.

  This time it was free, and I locked the door to have a shower in peace. Thinking of going on a holiday away from my current holiday put a wry smile on my face. Everything had happened for a reason or so it seemed.

  Moments away from stepping in the shower a light knock came on the door. “What’s up?” I called.

  “It’s me.” Amanda replied through the door. Walking over I unlocked it and let her in as I stood there naked. She walked in wearing her robe, but let it drop to the floor.

  She was naked and I drank in the sight of her bare body in front of me. Suddenly she jumped at me, and I caught her and lifted her in the air. Her eyes spoke volumes, as she looked at me dirtily. Kissing her, I walked us into the already running shower and let the water run over our bodies. We grabbed each other’s asses squeezing and kissing one another hungrily.

  Her hands went to my penis and squeezed. She seemed satisfied as blood rushed to it. Kneeling on the shower floor, she took me in her mouth.

  Letting out a groan as she did so, I put my hands on the back of her head as she worked back and forth on my shaft, flicking the tip with her tongue. She kept going until I couldn’t take it anymore. My groans and grunts increased in intensity and I gripped her hair as she quickened her pace.

  Looking up at me she could tell I was about to cum but obviously she didn’t care. Her lust was apparent as she moaned around my shaft. She moved one hand to her pussy and stroked it. As she continued, a spasm of pleasure flooded through me as my cum rushed into her mouth and I let out an explosive groan.

  I held onto the handhold in the shower as Amanda still moved her head back and forth slowly. My knees weakened as I became extremely sensitive to any touch. She gently removed her mouth and swallowed my cum as she looked up at me. The water of the shower rushing over her face and through her hair. “I was not expecting that at all!” I said with a grin, “You are unbelievably sexy.” I added with my biggest smile.

  Still playing with herself she stood and ran her hand up my leg and cupped my balls in her hand giving them a slight squeeze. She smiled coyly, “You have no idea.” She said, her voice smoky. I pulled her towards me as I squeezed her ass. She inserted a finger into her pussy and with the other hand she grabbed my ear and pulled my head down. She leaned up against the shower wall as I went to one knee.