Unlikely Praise

by Carla Rossi

She wasn’t doing any such thing.

  Yes she was. There was no way to resist the urge.

  Every maternal impulse and baby related mechanism inside her surged to life. Comfort the baby, protect the baby, rock the baby. She studied Rachel’s perfect little face. A scripture from Psalms popped into her head.

  For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

  She never thought much about when she’d have children. Now she wanted ten.

  “Let me get her buckled in,” Shade said and peeled the baby from her grasp.

  Was it possible to bond instantly with a sleeping baby you didn’t know and who wasn’t yours? If not, the sudden loss she felt was inexplicable.

  She turned to get in the car. “So which way?”

  “Not far. Want me to drive? She’ll sleep the whole way.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. I assume we’ll take my car to the conference next week, and I don’t want to do all the driving so you might as well get acquainted. Is the truck locked up?”

  “No. I’m hoping someone will steal it.”

  As he pulled onto the road, Candi fidgeted with her shorts and wiped dirt off her shirt. She pulled down the visor mirror. Several strands of hair stood straight up. “Oh, wow,” she said and tried to tame them.

  “What?”

  “I was cleaning house when you called. Guess I should have stopped to look in a mirror on the way out.”

  He glanced her way. “You look great. Thanks for coming to get us.”

  “Sure.”

  She continued to be restless. She had so many things to say to him. Why couldn’t she open her mouth and just talk?

  As Shade pulled up next to his trailer, Rachel began to stir. He shut off the engine and hurried to get her. Her eyes were wide and bright, and even more blue than Candi expected. As Shade planted his daughter proudly on his hip, Candi stepped closer to smooth damp tufts of hair off the baby’s forehead. She clasped Rachel’s tiny outstretched hand and attempted soothing baby talk until she’d coaxed a smile from the little cherub.

  “She likes you,” Shade said.

  Candi snorted. “Only because she doesn’t know me.”

  “That’s not funny.” He shouldered the diaper bag. “Let me get inside and change her and then I’ll get all this stuff.”

  “No, you go ahead. I can get it.”

  “You sure?”

  “I think I can unload the car, Shade. Go give her a nice lukewarm bath.”

  “I can give her a bath later. Right now I’m just going to clean her up a bit.”

  Rachel burped and spewed her dinner down the front of her shirt.

  Candi laughed. “Or you could give her a bath.”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

  She unhooked the car seat and set it inside the door. The small mobile home was clean, with homey touches and an entire area dedicated to his growing collection of baby equipment. She put the diapers in the pile and then stacked his bountiful supply of canned ravioli and tuna in the pantry. She dropped the lunchmeat in the refrigerator drawer and was soon drawn to the splashing in the bathroom. Those pesky maternal urges pulled her down the narrow hallway.

  She leaned against the doorframe and pretended she had a reason for intruding. “Do you keep or throw away the plastic bags?”

  He steadied the baby with one hand, and poured water over her from a Styrofoam cup with the other to wash away the suds. Rachel kicked both legs and waved her arms.

  “Keep,” he said. “They’re great for the nasty diapers.”

  “OK. They’re on the counter.”

  “Towel, please.”

  “What?”

  “Cold naked baby alert,” he said and lifted her from the water.

  She yanked the fluffy yellow duck covered towel from the rack and draped it over Rachel. While Shade tucked her close against his body, Candi gently rubbed the baby’s head and swiped the insides of her tiny pink ears.

  “Mission accomplished,” he said. “I’ll go get some clean clothes on her.”

  “You’re pretty good at this.”

  “I wouldn’t know. This was only our second bath.”

  Candi returned to the living area and approached the rocking chair. She set it into motion with a gentle nudge. CD’s and magazines littered his coffee table along with his Bible and a book of daily devotionals. The notebook he always carried lay open with phone numbers on sticky notes placed inside. The name Remy Charbonnet caught her eye. Isn’t that the name her father mentioned? What did it mean?

  “I need to make her another bottle,” Shade said as he joined her. “Can you hold her for a minute?”

  “She was asleep when I held her before. Will she come to me now?”

  “Sure. Sit in the rocker with her. She loves that.”

  Candi reached for the baby much like she’d reach for a bouquet of tender daffodils. She inhaled across soft clean skin the same way. It was another urge she couldn’t resist. When Shade handed her the bottle, Rachel settled into the crook of her arm and seemed content.

  He dropped onto the couch nearby as if exhausted. “Thanks for putting the groceries away.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. You may not be able to find anything.”

  “Do you want something to drink?”

  She pulled the bottle out of Rachel’s mouth and wiped away a stream of liquid that ran down her chin. “I’m fine,” she said and put back the bottle.

  Several moments of companionable silence went by, and she contemplated ways to say the things she needed to say.

  He put his feet up on the coffee table. “Have you heard from your father?”

  That was one way to get the conversation started.

  “Not exactly. I had a missed call one day, and I think that was him, but there was no message. I haven’t tried to call him yet because Pastor Charles has me on a strict schedule of prayer and Bible study. I’m supposed to be reflecting on and accepting all the changes God is making in my life and preparing to calmly explain all my feelings to my father and hopefully reach a truce.”

  He nodded. “I’m sure that’s what your father wants.”

  “Then why didn’t he come to church that Sunday? I know I said I didn’t want him to, but even I have to acknowledge in all my anger that it’s where he needs to be. And if he wanted to make things right, why didn’t he come?” She slashed a tear from under her eye. “I’m sorry. I’m not going to sit here and cry all over your baby—you’ve seen enough of my tears—but this part has been so hard. I’ve been coming to grips with how wrong I was about everything and at the same time, he didn’t follow through that morning. I mean, how do you forgive someone who won’t stop hurting you long enough to accept forgiveness for the first series of hurts? It’s mind-boggling.”

  “But Pastor Charles is trying to help you with all this, right?”

  “Oh, yes, in case you haven’t heard, I’m being pruned. God has taken me out behind the woodshed for an attitude adjustment. Pastor Charles is just making sure I learn my lesson, because he says he’s had enough of my drama.”

  “Back up a minute. You’re being what?”

  “Pruned. It’s in John chapter fifteen. You can look it up later.”

  “That aside, I never thought of God as being a ‘behind the woodshed’ kind of father.”

  “Well, apparently it takes a special kind of stupid to earn a pruning, get a trip to the woodshed, and end up in the doghouse like me.”

  Now he laughed at her. “C’mon, Candi, I don’t know much about spiritual stuff, but I’m pretty sure you’re exaggerating.”

  She set the bottle aside and moved Rachel to an upright position against her chest. As she rubbed her back, the baby slowed her jerky movements and finally rested her soft head against Candi’s shoulder. It was a peace and perfection Candi had rarely experienced.

  “Maybe a little exaggeration,” she said softly. “But I have learned a lot these past
couple weeks, and I have you to thank for some of it.”

  He sat up straight. “Me? What’d I do?”

  “You were there for me at that music festival when my father showed up. I was a hysterical mess. I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t been there. Before I saw him, I had this weird feeling something was going on. I couldn’t figure it out, and I didn’t say a word but, even then, you took my hand in that crowd and it helped.”

  “We’re friends, Candi. More than friends. You must know I’d do anything for you. I...uh—”

  “I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable.” She rushed to put him at ease. “I want you to know you’re an amazing person, and I know I haven’t always been fair to you. I’m just trying to say how much I appreciate the time we’ve spent together since you came to Cornerstone.”

  He practically jumped to his feet. “OK, now you’re making it sound like we won’t be spending any more time together.”

  “No,” she said a little too loud. Rachel trembled and lifted her head until Candi soothed her. “No,” she repeated. “I don’t mean that at all. But see what I mean? There’s a reason I kept all my feelings inside. I’m not very good at expressing myself.”

  He leaned against the couch as though his knees were wobbly. “Can I talk for a minute?”

  She nodded.

  “As for your father, I’m sure the only reason he didn’t come on Sunday was because of how bad it went Saturday night. I think he stayed away to spare you another round of heartache. It couldn’t have been easy for him to see you in so much pain. He may have thought it best if he gave it some more time.”

  She held the baby closer and nuzzled her neck. “Possibly...”

  “As for all that other stuff, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. For everything you’ve done you think is so horrible, you’ve also done a whole lot of good. If I can forgive myself for Pete, you can get past this thing with your father and get through whatever it is you feel you need to fix.” He knelt in front of the rocker and took her hand. “If I remember correctly, you were the one who finally convinced me in the truck that night that I could let go of the accident and move on.”

  She rubbed her thumb across the back of his hand. “Now you’re gonna make me cry.”

  “I don’t want you to cry.”

  “You must think I’m pretty ridiculous to get so bent out of shape over my petty issues after all you’ve been through.”

  “No, I think I know my Bible, too and Luke says. ‘to whom much is given, much is required.’ Someone like you, who has so many spiritual gifts and earthly talents, must have to go through the woodshed once in a while in order to be the most productive vessel you can be.”

  She squeezed his hand. “That is so freakishly deep that I know for sure you’ve been holding out on me. You are far more spiritually wise than you let on.”

  “It’s completely by accident.”

  She laughed. “Forget it. It’s out there now. You can’t take it back,” she said mimicking what he’d said earlier

  The jarring ring tone of his cell phone rattled both Candi and the baby. Rachel shuddered and then started to cry.

  He glanced at the screen. “It’s Jess. That’s Rachel’s mother. She’s probably on her way.”

  Candi stood and reluctantly passed the crying baby to her father. “I better get out of here.”

  “Wait. Why? I can have friends over when Rachel’s here. Stay and meet her.”

  “I’m not one of the guys, Shade. You’re still working through this situation. Real or imagined, Jess doesn’t need any reason to question anything right now.”

  The ringing stopped. “You’re right. It’s bad enough I have to tell her we broke down. She doesn’t trust that truck, anyway. That’s why she drops Rachel off and picks her up.”

  “You’re a great father, Shade. That kind of thing happens to everyone.” She pressed her lips against Rachel’s forehead and lingered there as if to soak up as much as she could. “I’m going now. Call me later if you need help with the truck.”

  She rushed out the door with the scent of baby shampoo still on her clothes.

  Never had her heart and arms been so empty.

  15

  From: Pastor Charles Littleton

  [mailto:pastorcharles@crnrstone-chrch.org]

  Sent: Friday, June 05 10:00 AM

  To: Candi Canaberry

  CC: Shade Blackledge

  Subject: Worship Conference

  Candi and Shade:

  Attached is all the hotel and registration confirmation information you need for the worship conference this weekend. Keep all your receipts, and we’ll do our best to reimburse you for meals and parking. Please forward or copy for Max. I still can’t reach him. Don’t forget to take him with you. Be careful, and I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back.

  Charles

  Shade set his duffle bag by the door and waited for Candi and Max to pick him up. He prayed he could be patient on the three-hour car ride to Austin. He always considered himself an easy-going guy. He got along with most people and most people didn’t have a problem with him. Live and let live, to each his own, and all that.

  But Candi Canaberry...

  Candi Canaberry had become the proverbial thorn in his side that provided daily nails-on-the-chalkboard irritation and inflicted general pandemonium into his otherwise laid-back existence. Though many things had gotten so much better for her as she fought her way to a new level of spiritual understanding, her ability to clearly see what was right in front of her cute little nose continued to elude her.

  They’d bickered so much at their last practice over a simple series of chords that Carol Ann used the emergency whistle on her key chain to shut them up. She reminded them if they couldn’t say something nice, they shouldn’t say anything at all.

  So they said nothing.

  Their entire relationship had become like a recurring computer problem. There were erratic starts and stops, crash dumps, and near fatal errors. Just when he thought they were getting somewhere, an unexpected shutdown would occur. Files were lost. Data seemed unrecoverable.

  Life would be simpler if she’d just admit she had feelings for him. Her inability to do so was driving him insane.

  Some days he wanted to give up. Most days he just wanted to kiss her.

  Someone pounded on his door. “Let’s go,” Max shouted.

  Shade stepped outside. Candi sat in the driver’s seat with her sunglasses perched on her nose. She tapped the steering wheel.

  “Is she in a good mood?”

  “She’s in a great mood,” Max answered.

  But an hour and a half later, as they stopped to get gas and change drivers, she seemed annoyed.

  Shade got out when she pulled up to the pump. “I’ll get it.”

  She tossed him the keys and scrambled to beat him to the nozzle. “That’s OK. I got it.”

  “No, I’ll do it. Go stretch your legs and get something to drink.”

  She swiped her card before he could. “I pump my own gas all the time, Shade. I got it.”

  He raised his hands in surrender. “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  Max joined him in the front seat. “You two crack me up.”

  “Glad you’re amused.”

  Candi got in the back. “Do you want to get something to eat before we get there? I think the only food tonight will be at the welcome reception, and I’m sure it’s not much.”

  “Good idea,” Shade replied.

  “Yeah,” Max added. “The free food won’t amount to anything, and I don’t want to spend my money on hotel food.”

  “What are you in the mood for?”

  “Doesn’t matter to me,” Candi said. “You’re driving. Your choice.”

  “I know a great barbeque place about twenty miles from here.”

  “That sounds good,” Max said.

  Candi sighed heavily. “No ba
rbeque.”

  “I thought you said it didn’t matter.”

  “It doesn’t. Just no barbeque.”

  Shade pulled onto the highway. “I know of a mom and pop Mexican place that’s pretty good and not far from here.”

  “No Mexican,” Candi said.

  Shade flexed his hands on the wheel and glanced over his shoulder to give her a dirty look. “You’re doing this to annoy me, right?”

  “No. I just don’t want Mexican food.”

  “Know what I wish?” Max asked.

  Neither took the bait.

  “I wish,” he continued, “we were in Vegas and it was my turn to drive. That way I could go straight to a drive-thru wedding chapel and get you two hitched. Poof!” He waved his hands and wiggled his fingers in the air. “All the tension disappears. It’s a miracle and you two live happily-ever-after. We could get Elvis to do it. I’ll hold the bouquet and then take pictures.”

  “I’m not getting married in a Vegas drive-thru,” she said adamantly. “Elvis, or no Elvis.”

  “I don’t think you have to worry,” Shade mumbled.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing.”

  He caught sight of her in the rearview mirror. As frosty glares went, it was one of her frostiest. He needed a parka to warm up after that one.

  “So what do you want to eat?”

  She bunched her travel pillow behind her head. “Doesn’t matter to me. You’re driving. Your choice.”

  ****

  When Max and Shade entered their room, Max proceeded to touch everything like he was six years old. No complimentary shampoo or soap was left unturned.

  Shade collapsed on his bed and reached for one of the many pillows lined up against the headboard. “That woman’s trying to kill me.”

  “And you’re letting her.”

  “How do I make it stop?”

  “Take control of the situation, my friend.”

  “How do I do that?”

  Max toyed with the T.V. remote. “Do you love her?”

  “Unfortunately, yes.”

  The television blinked on, then off again. “Then why are you here? Go get her. Tell her how you feel.”

  “Yeah, right. I’m gonna lay that on her on the first day of a worship conference. She’d skin me alive.”